The reality is that for most men, an unfulfilling sex life usually means an unhappy relationship.
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Once a man’s sex life begins to “go down the drain,” the solutions to make things better often increase the downward spiral.
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How important is sex for men in a relationship? It’s about 50% of the pie! The reality is that for most men, an unfulfilling sex life usually means an unhappy relationship. Sex is a communication about how your relationship is unfolding. It’s a barometer for your closeness or distance.
Although sexual starvation is not a mental health disorder, it leads to a huge disconnection and breakdown in a man’s ability to feel close to their significant other. Once a man’s sex life begins to “go down the drain,” the solutions to make things better often increase the downward spiral. Here are three common myth’s that will keep your sex life “heading south” and alternatives that will get your sex life back on track.
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Myth #1: Sex will cure arguing.
Can sex cure arguing? It can surely create a distraction. Arguing with your loved one? How about a little (or a lot) of sex to make you both feel better? Sick and tired of not getting along? Yes, more sex can relieve the tension. Can’t stand sitting there and talking about problems that seem to never be solved? Why not a good night of sex to make everything okay? Crazy as it seems, you might even find yourself getting into a “good one (argument)” just to have some more sex! Suddenly, you begin to realize that sex is being used as a pacifier and the real problem remains.
Alternative: Talk Things Out
I know this sounds totally crazy but talking things out and connecting can help you move towards having a better sex life! Of course, sex requires less talking and is a great distraction. However, the reality is that when you are digging deeper for solutions, you will feel closer, and your relationship will grow. It’s a fact that when women feel closer to their partner, their attraction increases and their interest in sex soars. Your ability to connect when the lights are on will help you create a better connection when the lights are out.
Myth #2: Sex will take away the stress and make everything better.
True or untrue? Sex releases some great hormones that “temporarily” relieve stress. You may feel better about your relationship for a little, or even a few days. In the end, sex is not a real “problem solver.” It simply puts everything on the back burner and will be revisited sooner rather than later.
Alternative: Create a Steady Diet of Problem Solving
Are you trying to solve your sex problems on your own? Good luck! The result is usually a complete disaster. In many cases, things will get worse and you may end up cheating or create a sexual addiction that will keep you further stuck. Sexual tension is best resolved when you reach out and begin to solve problems together with your partner.
As men, I know that we often try to figure things out on our own. We are socialized this way. It’s a macho thing, but it does not work in a relationship. Stop thinking that you are going to be the “all-knowing” problem-solver. The truth is that it takes two people sharing very openly to begin to move to a better place. If you want to have your partner share more openly, stop judging and start understanding. Solving problems in a relationship is a two-person deal, not an individual effort.
Myth #3: Sex is the glue that will keep a marriage strong during “rough” times.
Sex is definitely a form of communication and will help maintain a strong bond in any relationship. The key is to remember that it is a “part” of a larger equation. Running to have sex when there are “bumps in the road” can be a set-up for failure. The reason that you may be sexually starving in your relationship is that you have the illusion that once your sex life is in the right place everything else will go well. Sex is “icing” on the cake, but without the other ingredients in place, it will not keep you on the right track moving forward.
Alternative: Establish an Emotional Connection
Inviting your significant other into the conversation and enjoy the experience of finding answers together.
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When you are experiencing marriage problems, what other solutions are in your “tool bag” to keep your relationship strong? I know it’s difficult to focus on the emotional part of your relationship when you are so horny! But, for women, their “love tank” is fueled when you attend to their emotional needs. If she is not feeling close to you, your sex life will continue to suffer. If a women is feeling emotionally connected, your life in the bedroom will reach new heights. If you ignore her emotions, she will be cold and distant. You may wish things were different, but this is the harsh reality. You can accept it or keep on struggling when the lights go out.
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The road to change has its share of twists and turns. Just remember that you are not in it alone. Creating change in the bedroom starts with connecting outside the bedroom. The conversations you share, the time you spend together laughing and enjoying one another’s company, and being playful can all set the tone for what happens in the dark.
Once you remove your assumptions about the road to finding the solution “your way” and consider your loved one everything else will change. Inviting your significant other into the conversation and enjoy the experience of finding answers together. A great sex life starts with a great energy and vibe in your day to day life with one another. Create the closeness and everything else will begin to shift.
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Photo: Flickr/ Olaf Teuerle