Please. Just stop.
By RENAE REGEHR
I am at the grocery check out line with my four-year-old son, and the cashier says:
“Your son is so beautiful.”
“Thank you, we think so too,” I reply as I note her observing my blonde hair, blue eyes, and fair skin.
She inquires, “Is your husband dark-skinned?”
“No, he isn’t.”
“Oh, well is he from Latin America?”
“No he isn’t.”
“Oh,” the cashier replies beginning to look puzzled but now wants to solve this mystery. “Well, your son has such beautiful dark features.”
“Thank you, we think he is so handsome too.”
She probes some more.
“That is so interesting, you and your husband are fair-skinned, but your son has dark features.”
The running commentary in my head says, “Thank you, Sherlock, for pointing out the obvious to me. I had never noticed that before.”
But the words that come from my mouth say instead, “I know, it is because our son is adopted.”
“Oh, he is adopted. That is so interesting . . .”
Now, the next few comments in the conversation I know are well-meaning, but please hear me out because they can really cause my heart rate to increase, breath to shorten and blood pressure to rise.
However, let’s first talk about adoption. Adoption is beautiful and not that rare of an occurrence. Chances are likely that you know someone adopted, have met adoptive parents or perhaps have even mulled over the idea of adopting. Regardless of adoption or through biological birth, like any regular parent I love my four-year-old son. He means the world to me. Yes, our son is adopted, and just like your story, our family story is incredibly special, vulnerable, and personal.
But that is just the point; our family story is our special story about how we have a family, just like yours is yours. However, in my experience, when people hear the word adoption it seems to give them this idea that they can, tact aside, ask many personal questions about life, our son, and the context that he was adopted from.
Before I get ahead of myself, let me save you the grief or embarrassment of saying the following three comments that inevitably always arise in a conversation.
1. “You are so amazing for adopting — I couldn’t do what you did.”
This comment gets me every time! First, would you ever say that to a new mother who just gave birth to a child? “You are so amazing for giving birth.” No, never! In fact, that would sound absolutely ridiculous if such comments were made.
Secondly, and more importantly, these comments are utterly false because every child deserves a home. Life is not about me, and I am not a saint; it is my son’s and every child’s right that is born on this earth to have parent(s) that deeply love and value them.
The “I couldn’t do what you did” part just makes you sound like you haven’t fully thought that sentence through because, yes, you could adopt.Regardless, every child deserves a home. Adoptive parents are parents just by a different means. But that is all. They are parents, not saints.
2. “Are you going to have any of your own real children?”
Really?! You have got to be joking. I did not know that having a child come from my uterus was the only criteria for some relationship to be considered real! Think about this: Is the love to your spouse or partner real? Do you question that bond of love and ask others if their bond is real? My son is my own real child! It does not matter to me as to whether my son comes from my own actual body because I can 100 percent confidently tell you he feels like he is a part of me.
On a different note, when you find out my son is adopted and ask me this question, coupled with the fact that you don’t even know me, this can be highly offensive. Rather, it would be much more appreciated if you asked, “How many more children will you have?”
3. “Do they know who their real family is?”
It is 3:30 a.m. and our son has just woken up to crawl into our bed because he is scared. Sleepily I say to him, “Hold on sweetie, let’s let Daddy sleep. I will come lay beside you.”
(Having three in a queen-size bed inevitably means one of us isn’t going to sleep that night.)
He slumps down back to his bed, which happens to be right beside our bed, but on the way he hits his head on the night-time dresser. Startled by his cry of pain, I jump out of bed as fast as lightning, pick him up and start consoling and rocking him. My husband is awakened by the commotion and jumps out of bed to get a cloth for the tiny cut on his face.
In light of the story, let’s get back to the question of knowing who our son’s “real” family is. I think it is safe to say that teaching our son the difference between right and wrong, teaching him how to communicate and respect others, showing him how to ride a bike, hold a spoon, wipe his bum, and, most importantly, giving him unconditional love and support are the requirements for being a real family. So to answer your question, yes our son knows exactly who his real family is.
Now, I do not want to leave you feeling shamed or like I will harp on you should you ask me any questions about my family. I know what you mean when you ask me these questions of “realness,” but language is powerful and has serious connotations that can leave adopted children not feeling like they are truly a part of a family. How tragic! The take home message is: Please be tactful of what you ask, especially if you do not know me.
Adoptive parents have real love, with their real children, and are real families. End of discussion.
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Mine is “they are so lucky to have you”….BS…I’m lucky to have them….
Stop ask these questions, but if you must ask please be more direct and louder (they always whisper a little because they know it’s personal) so the kids can hear as well….better yet just ask the kids “when are your adopted parents going to have real kids?”
Fastest way to quiet them with as obnoxious of question to this stranger….”oh I see your pregnant ” no matter age or size.
As an adoptee and as a woman who gave a child up for adoption (whose son has since found me, his birth mother), I have a unique perspective on this subject. Real family isn’t determined by blood but by love, sweat, and tears. Real family is letting an adopted child pursue the search for birth parents and support them regardless of the outcome. Real family is understanding when an adult child joins the fold it’s celebrated not hidden. Real family supports you knowing you made the right decision, regardless of its impact on you or them, for the betterment of… Read more »
As an adoptive parent, I do want to commend you for I know the effort and sacrifice that is required to invest in a life on this level. That being said, I would encourage you to use those moments when you get those comments to enlighten and encourage as I would assume that like me you know that there’s so many misconceptions out there about adoption. I believe you can be a beacon of light that might encourage others to do what you have done. Grace and peace to you!
But I can tell you from experience with kids who are adopted – both kids and those who are adults now – that it is hurtful to have it pointed out OVER and OVER again that you are “different” and have people not call your parents “real”.
Adults can pull it together and just not be so rude for the sake of kids. It often hurts their feelings.
YES if it happens, make it a teachable moment, but if we can get people to stop being so rude and inconsiderate, that’s better.
I have always loved how people like to put down another persons well intended, innocent comments. Granted some comments/questions may be annoying but that goes anything in life. But it comes down to “intent”…. Yes, weather you believe it or not, the people who have not adopted do feel that those who have, to be special. And forgive us for seeing adoptive parents that way. And in so far as the questions regarding your sons physical characteristics, the clerk was simply admiring. You knew where the questions were going, take some responsibility and curb the questions yourself. Instead you played… Read more »