Many women these days have never been told nor shown that they are beautiful. Here’s why.
1. Men. Yes. Men. My tribe. Somewhere along the way, we stopped talking to women. We talk about women. We talk along with them. But, in a mass media sense, men (in the most general number) stopped having dialogues with women. I can admit, the Maxim Man virus has spread and affected a sizable chunk of the American male populace. We will jump through hoops to talk to or text a “chick”. But we’ll pump the brakes if we have to talk to a woman. The end result of the lack of real male to female communication is men not telling women things they should know and hear: Women are appreciated. Women are revered. Women are special. Women are beautiful.
I know. More than a few men (and most likely women) will call bullshit on me. Well, many of the culture/gender crimes I wrote of in the first paragraph are things I’ve been guilty of. For years. I’m just now re-booting my communication lines with all of the women in my life (girlfriend, mom, aunts, cousins, etc.). There are men out there who do regularly engage in smart, positive conversations with women. And kudos to them (seriously). But, a big chunk of males in this country are very limited in not only conversing with women, but how to converse with them, and a big reason why is the next reason on this list.
2. Hip-Hop Culture. Don’t test my Gangsta. I’ve been a hip-hop head since 1983. To my fellow hip-hop heads, chill. I know that “real” and underground/alternative hip-hop culture is heavily diverse and all inclusive.
But mainstream hip-hop?
Bruh. With the daily images of scantily clad women in music videos, and the vivid descriptions of “hoes” in the music (and on radio at times), it’s no wonder nearly two generations of men have grown up not knowing how to tell, or show, a woman how beautiful she is. In some circles, you can only tell your “main chick” how cool she is for holding you down (translation: sticking with you through the ups and downs). In mainstream “hip-POP” culture, having distance from deep feelings for women has been the norm for twenty plus years.
I know what I’m talking about. Your’s truly was one of the main ones in the club with a glass of Hennessy in one hand and a cell phone in the other. In my 30s. I probably told tons of women back then that they were “hot”. Or sexy. I may have told possibly a handful that they were truly beautiful.
In mainstream hip-hop culture, there are examples of men falling in real love. Jay-Z and Beyonce come to mind. But for the most part, communication with women in this culture is pretty basic. “Girl, you’re hot. Come get in my car.”
Since hip-hop culture has been the dominant youth culture of America for years, many young men have learned in some way how to talk to women via this culture. And, at times, it’s not good. If you get on Twitter, or even Facebook, you can see many men digitally approach women bluntly, with little tact, and just poorly. And the word “beautiful” rarely, if ever, comes up.
There are times in mainstream hip-hop culture where women are shown appreciation, but it’s few and far between. And you have to wonder how many men who’ve grown up with mainstream hip-hop may have been…stunted in their exchanges and communications with women.
3. Mainstream media. America’s media, digital, print, and broadcast, has played a major part in the destruction of female confidence. How can a woman know that she’s beautiful if A. she sees a magazine at the grocery store telling her how fat she is and that she needs to constantly improve in bed to keep her man, B. some A-list actress who already weighs 130 lbs shouts on television that’s she’s “never felt better !” after losing 25 lbs of post childbirth weight, and C. endless pictures of Photoshopped internet “models” on social media get thousands of “likes” and re-tweets?
Never before have women so powerfully been told how they should look. Just to be accepted in and into social circles. And even the women that mainstream society deems beautiful had to diet and get certain physical “enhancements” to get there (I’m looking at you, Kim K.). Not only are tons of women in this country not being shown, or told they are beautiful, they’ve been lead to believe that only a certain look warrants being called beautiful. That means legions of women have been sporadically told they were beautiful. At best. Thin, or athletically built, with a stripper’s backside? Beautiful woman. Any other physical description? Tell us where your beautiful friend is.
Ladies. There are men out there who will tell you that you are indeed beautiful. Just know that there are certain cultural roadblocks that keep many more men from telling you the same thing.
Thoughts? Responses? Talk to me in our comments section!
Photo annangela/Flickr
Oh FFS, NO. A man that makes any compliment or comment to or about a woman runs the risk of a harassment charge. All she has to do is feel that 1) it was unwelcome 2) not from someone she is interested in…..and ta-f’n-da, they guy is nailed with charges. And if you are in Nottinhamshire England ~ it could be labelled a hate crime. Men should engage, banter and converse with women with those realities at full frontal awareness.
Wow, I am really late to this conversation.
I believe gender segregation is to blame. Throughout youth, in school and social situations, boys and girls are encouraged and sometimes forced to be separate and have different interests. In the adult world they’re thrown together and don’t know how to relate to one another. Segregation causes seeing other people as “different”, regardless of if it’s gender, race, age, or culture. “Othering” is a when a group of similar individuals see a different group as not quite human. It allows them to not feel as bad to treat them as sub-human. That is how all atrocities begin.
I generally agree with all said, but with a wee twist. The stunning girls know they are stunning. The beautiful girls know they are beautiful, they hear so everyday from everyone, but some of them also deny to be thusly minimised. It’s the average girls that don’t know how beautiful and desirable they are! And that is men’s fault. Let’s not restrict ourselves to media, let’s think of society in general. Society dictates how a woman should look for millennia. From the temples of ancient Egypt to lotus feet in China and The Victoria’s models. If anything women today have… Read more »
SHOCKER This article is saying men are to blame.
Do women still want to have a conversation with men ?
Can women accept a genuine compliment ?
Do women practise “vocalising appreciation” themselves ?
And when is the article coming that men as well are oppressed by phony beauty ideals ?
@nobody,
“Do women still want to have a conversation with men ?”
Yes, but only with a select few men.
“Can women accept a genuine compliment ?”
Some women can, Depends on their age I have discovered. The younger more modern American women are far more likely to view the man as a ‘creep’ for giving her a compliment. Unless the guy is viewed as attractive in her eyes.
“Do women practise “vocalising appreciation” themselves ?”
Again, it depends..
Nobody, I think the issue is more complex then simply wanting to blame men for the sake of blaming men. The truth is, there are things both women and men can do to improve their relationships with the other gender. There are things women do that contribute to the struggles men face and there are things men do that contribute to the struggles women face. This isnt about blame, it’s hopefully about improving our relationships with each other and growing in them, growing past our own pain at times to really see each other and what the other person may… Read more »
Thank you for this aritcle Greg. Thank you very much.
You’re super welcome, Erin 🙂
Thank you! THANK you so much!!!!!
You’re welcome, Sylvia 🙂
It’s true what he says,100%.
Brakes not breaks. Scantily, not scantly. It was hard to read the rest but I got the gist of it. I admit I am more likely to enjoy talking to an attractive woman than an unattractive one, but isn’t that true of women with attractive men? It’s always been that way. I also don’t think men talk to women any less than they used to, it’s just now men are ‘creepers’ and women are paranoid, and it’s incredibly challenging for guys to show interest in what a woman is saying without women thinking there is another agenda. I have at… Read more »
The best way I’ve found to avoid getting the “creeper” label with women is to treat them like human beings first, with actually interests and lives. Ask them about what they think, why they like what they like. Then, give them space to think about you – don’t push. If they like you, they’ll come to you, and will trust you more in the process.
@Sam, “The best way I’ve found to avoid getting the “creeper” label with women is to treat them like human beings first, with actually interests and lives.” It is not that simple Sam. First, many men have to avoid being labeled a ‘creep’ just for attempting to hold a conversation with a woman. Seriously. Yes, you are correct. Men need to focus on the many other very fine qualities women have: intelligence, hobbies, their passion in life, goals…….I rarely if ever go after pretty women. Frankly, I intentionally avoid them. I am in a relationship (I serve at her pleasure,… Read more »
Hey Joseph, I don’t always enjoy talking to stereotypically physically attractive men over less socially conventional looking men. Sometimes we have nothing in common, sometimes they have nothing interesting to say, sometimes I have nothing interesting to say to them…there is a whole lots of variables involved. I have had wonderful conversations with all kinds of different types of men. His “level” of stereotypically attractive looks rarely had anything to do with it. I find chemistry to be a bigger definer of attraction for me than what society has told me I should like in a man.
How can we expect men to recognize beauty in women when they don’t/can’t recognize it in themselves?
True. Men are taught to look to women for beauty.
@Danny,
And 50 years ago White people were taught to hate Black people.
We can all change! I have a 17 yr old. I have emphasized to him for several years now to avoid the ‘hotties’ and very pretty girls. Focus on the ones that are intelligent, have good moral values, are kind…..
How about looking at a woman for her intelligence, personality, kindness, artistic interests,……In the long run men are much better off looking for these traits in a woman.
so how do we , on an individual level, start this conversation, shouldn’t they be hearing theyre beautiful from the men their in relationships with ? (excluding familial ties, given Ive never told my sister or female cousins they were beautiful its just never occured to me the express the term in a non-romantic sense).
Plus for me to just tell the women in my life they’re beautiful would make it seem like Im coming on too them and I dont wanna give that vibe when Im was simply trying to be genuine.
Perhaps you could just say something like, “You know, you’re a beautiful person.” If a guy said that to me, I wouldn’t feel like he was coming onto me… unless he leaned in or gave me “the look” or something. But also, perhaps you can just show through your actions or words that you *appreciate* her. A guy showing gratitude toward me regardless of the type of relationship makes me feel beautiful and valued as a woman and as a human being 🙂
I hope that helps <3
Great post Greg.
Thank you, Jules 🙂