How a man handles a crying woman can make or break a relationship. Intimacy Expert Allana Pratt gets vulnerable…
Thursday night I asked the men something I’d never asked them before. Would they like to be coached LIVE on how to support a crying woman… me.
I had a really disheartening day and was in shock most of the afternoon. By the evening on my men’s group coaching call, I was starting to let myself feel. As an Intimacy Expert I’m all about vulnerability, honesty and connection, yet there’s a fine line between being the Coach in charge and being the potentially unprofessional crying mess.
I took a risk and it turned out better than I could imagine. The bond we share is deep. Men reveal to the group things they can’t tell their regular friends or family. There is a safety zone of total non judgment on the call so they really can’t ‘fail’ because I love them unconditionally no matter what.
Now they know how to stay with me, grounded and effectively supportive ‘in the fire’ with my unpredictable emotions.
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Each man took me through a phase of my emotions dealing with me crying, pissed off, uncontrollably sobbing, calming down and asking for what I needed. In their bones they now know how to navigate through their hesitancy and discomfort and be present with my pain. Now they know how to stay with me, grounded and effectively supportive ‘in the fire’ with my unpredictable emotions. This raw intense experience revealed 3 things NOT to do when I was crying… and in the video I added a 4th.
1. Don’t make a joke. If she’s really upset, it most likely will piss her off more creating separation, not connection and healing.
2. Don’t tell her it’s going to be OK. Or that it’s going to be OK. Or even that you love us trying to get us to avoid, pass over or invalidate our feelings.
3. Don’t hold her. Or put her head on your shoulder. It feels smothering, suffocating even placating. She’ll dissolve into mush when she’s ready.
4. Don’t fix her. This is really a reiteration of #1-#3… just stay present, no trying to change how she feels, acknowledge the validity of her feelings, ask her to tell you more, ask her what she needs.
Within 24 hrs after the call several men emailed me saying what a profound experience that was to be THERE, wobbly, find their groove and really BE a contribution to me. Every woman I know yearns for the safety to be herself, in her vulnerable authentic emotions and be loved, not fixed and able to process through to peace and freedom. These men got a taste of SUCCESS with intensity… creating confidence in the moment and moving forward with women.
“The power and the rawness of last night’s call really sank in for me today…an intense learning situation… WOW… thank you for letting us in. Your YES calls are AMAZING!!! Your LOVE , CARE and HEART …. Allana you shine and help us to grow and shine too. Deep thanks.”
When a man can sit in the fire with you and not shrink back, a woman’s heart opens to devotion. When a man doesn’t judge you for being an ocean of emotions, and in fact is moved by the depth of our feelings… it makes us feel so seen that we exhale all the way ‘home’ inside. It’s Ying meeting Yang. Divine Communion.
I share more about how to BE and HAVE this in your relationship in my complementary report and video series www.GetHerToSayYes.com. Thank you noble badass men in my men’s group. Thank you for being there for me, for experiencing in the cells of your Soul… how truly magnificent you are… just being YOU.
Photo: www.Flickr.com Catwoman
“… in fact is moved by the depth of our feelings”. I think that many men never really see this part of their female partner. Seeing a woman cry just melts most guy’s hearts, it’s far better than the other type of emotional display where she is blaming, criticising and emasculating you. It is much easier to relate to someone who is sad than someone who is turning it around and making that sadness YOUR fault.
I haven’t cried in years. Because as a single divorced mom, I’ve had to be strong, be both mother and father for all intents and purposes. I haven’t had anyone I could cry TO for so long, sometimes I wonder if I have forgotten how. I may not be a blubbering mess, but I’m also too exhausted to cry.
It is my understanding that defying rules based on what NOT to do, tend to fail , as the mind pick up on what is being defined. Original anti smoking advertising actually increased smoking due to this very fact.
I would be more interested in what to do. This gives the reader/user concrete action to take, as opposed to actions to avoid.
I had a similar issue when reading the article but after watching the video I think it comes down to:
1.- Giving her the chance and space to cry while showing you’re there to support her.
2.- Ask her what’s wrong and encourage the venting.
3.- Ask what you can do or what she needs.
It’s basically being there to allow them to express their emotions instead of hoping to fix them or stop the crying.
#8 don’t tell her not to cry because her sadness upsets you and makes you feel more sad.
It’s yin and yang, not ying and yang. If you’re going to appropriate other cultures, at least know how to spell their words correctly.
Did you not read the title of this article? This is another one of those “men can’t do anything right” screeds that assumes we are incompetent at doing the simplest things. This is one of the reasons men pull away.
Jeez man, don’t be so sensitive. If you know what to do, this article isn’t for you. But, maybe there are some men out there that would like some input in this area.
Or do nothing and let her get it out. It is not your responsibility to do any thing else.
People don’t comfort other people because it’s their “responsibility” to do so. They comfort others because they care about the other person and want to emotionally support them. That is what relationships are about. If you simply walk away or ignore how your partner is feeling (about anything – not just tears), it’s not going to build much trust, intimacy or vulnerability in the relationship.
Use the Bible as your guide and LOVE her!
ICor.13
I disagree with the not holding her part. Thats pretty much, the only thing I want from my bf when I cry. Nobody ever says the right words, but you can’t go wrong with holding. Stroking my hair would be lovely as well.
So, regarding #3, if she approaches you with her arms out (as my wife and other women in my life have done when crying) what, you should back away so not to ‘ smother’ them?
Oh come on bobbt, I’m a snarky b*stard but even I think that’s not fair.
Maybe not 8ball, but most of this advise doesn’t jive with the women in my life, and with 2 sisters, about 8 or 9 female cousins , 3 daughters and a wife to go with my Mom and aunts, I’ve lived just about all my life in a sea of estrogen. Now I realize that the author is writing from her own perspective, but the women in my life, first off, they want to be held (like Alex says below). Second, (and this is important) AFTER they’re done venting and getting it out, some reassurance (You’ll make it through this,… Read more »
There is nothing wrong with your approach to comforting the women in your family. But everyone’s different. And there are some guys out there that don’t know what to do when a woman cries. So even if you don’t totally agree with this article, at least it gives those guys who don’t know what to do a starting point to work from. Of course, I think the best thing a guy can do is ask his partner what she would like. If she is crying and he doesn’t know what to do, just ask her if she’d like a hug… Read more »
Bobbt, you have got it NAILED.
I think the author’s point is that when a crying woman wants you to hug her you will know it, as you do with your wife and the other women in your life. None of these articles are meant to describe absolutes.
Number one thing you CAN do:
Say, “I’m here for you!”
Oh, that’s what you meant by crying. So when you’re fighting giving up right away is still on the table. To paraphrase Mr. Miyagi cry technique, if done right, no can defense. :).
Shakespeare wrote about the power or effectiveness of a woman’s tears.
Yes, it is effective! BUT A TRUE MAN MUST HAVE A PLAN!
Otherwise, she will try to get even or even divorce you.
That’s what happened to me.
#5: Don’t walk out of the room….
#6: Don’t argue with her and minimize the seriousness of the situation…