If this is what she means by “being the man”, is it asking too much?
Hold on tight. This might stir up a hornet’s nest.
But I don’t care. I don’t write about how things should be. When a man asks for help I only care about how things are. Then I help him figure out what to think and do next.
When he tells me he just heard, for the tenth time, his wife wants him to be the man in the relationship the last thing he needs to hear is, “Well dang it all to the hell. It’s 2016. She shouldn’t be saying stuff like that! You need to have a discussion about equality and the evils of gender essentialism.”
And the last thing these educated, powerful, mature, and successful women need is another discussion about why they shouldn’t feel the way they feel.
Let me decode the mystery (at least part of it) for you.
This is what conscious, evolved wives tell me is really going on when they play the “be the man” card.
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Why I Have to Tell You This and She Won’t
When humans act hurt, frustrated or angry we tend to complain about things in a way that masks our real needs.
We may scream in anger at someone who cuts us off in traffic when the truth is we are scared shitless. The real need is that we want to feel safe. But we don’t say that.
We may become intensely frustrated with a child when the truth is we are emotionally drained. The real need is that we want to feel peace and calm. But we don’t say that.
We may be horribly hurt by something someone says when the truth is we feel rejected. The real need is we want to feel accepted. But we don’t say that.
It’s important to know what feeling she is craving and why it’s that feeling causing her reaction.
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And so it is with many wives. They will say things like:
“Why do I have to do everything around here? This place is a disaster!”
“You never follow through and I can’t count on you.”
“All you think about is sex.”
And the translation husbands hear is “you suck, you’re a bad husband and you’re a pervert”.
Dude, that’s not what she’s saying. I see why you might take it personally, but she doesn’t mean to attack your manhood. You have to keep your mojo in check and realize that not every angry woman is angry with you.
It’s important to know what feeling she is craving and why it’s that feeling causing her reaction. It’s not about you – it’s about her craving to feel something she wants to feel. And she thinks that her “man” could help her feel that if he just knew the 3 things I’m about to tell you.
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“I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Relax”
Wives tell me that feeling relaxed is one of the biggest keys to them also feeling connected, affectionate and sexy.
Have you ever been around a woman who is being playful, silly, sexy, giggly, fun and flirty? Yeah, I know. It’s about the hottest thing a guy can imagine. It’s also an incredibly fun place to be for her. And women tell me they feel like it’s biologically impossible to be that girl if she can’t relax.
These all require the incredibly boring application of accountability, responsibility, predictability and dependability. Nobody can relax with all those “ilities”!
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Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to relax so she can feel playful, silly, sexy, giggly, fun and flirty. She’s not mad because you suck. She’s mad because she can’t relax.
How to “be her man”: Don’t get defensive. Look her in the eye calmly and say, “Baby, I bet you would love to relax and I’m going to help with that.” Then look at the stuff you can help with. Are there plans that haven’t been made? She would love you to make a plan – any plan. Be her man with a plan.
What household “departments” need attention? There are many. Cleaning, laundry, kids, cars, vacations, meals, family, dishes, bills and broken shit. These all require the incredibly boring application of accountability, responsibility, predictability and dependability. Nobody can relax with all those “ilities”! That means she needs you to be her “ility” man.
Romantic energy gets instantly sucked into the black hole of the “ilities”. Don’t allow that to happen.
Caution: There will be stuff you can’t help with. It’s her stuff. She will need to handle her stuff and don’t try to handle that stuff for her.
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“I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Count on Him”
Wives tell me when their man is consistent and he follows through, they feel a sense of safety and predictability. Yeah, those are boring. But with safety and predictability comes relaxation. And we’ve covered the reasons relaxation is so important. See above.
She’s not mad because you’re a bad husband. She’s mad because she can’t relax.
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One thing I’m consistent with is her morning coffee. I also like to plan dates and give her invitations to do stuff. I leave notes and I call her when I’m going to be late – every time. I like to vacuum – it’s like a power tool.
I pick the things I expect of myself and I own them. I don’t expect or accept her telling me what to own. She knows what I’ve chosen to expect of myself. She also knows it’s her job to pick and own her share. And that makes for a team effort which helps her feel good and relaxed…which is nice.
Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to feel a sense of safety and predictability. She’s not mad because you’re a bad husband. She’s mad because she can’t relax.
How to “be her man”: If you want to help her feel like she can count on you just decide what you expect of yourself. Make it clear what you’re in charge of. Then do those things.
Consistently.
Less talk. More action.
Most nagging is the result of us not operating to our own expectations and demonstrating consistency.
I’m not saying she’ll never nag. It just won’t bother you like it used to.
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“I Want to Feel Like He Desires Me, Not Just My Body”
A woman sent me an email once that said, “I feel like I could be any one of 10,000 women to him. I don’t feel his desire for me as a person. Sometimes I think I could leave my genitals in the bedroom and go make coffee and he wouldn’t even notice I left.”
Yeah, I know. The imagery there is creepy.
But her point is pretty clear. She wants to feel like her mind, spirit and emotions are worthy of your attention too. She wants to feel desired not only for her physical attributes, but for her entire self.
At this moment you are the only man on the entire planet with the secret power to help her feel thoroughly desired and accepted – body, heart and soul. What she wants to know is, if he has that secret power, why wouldn’t her man use it?
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If she can feel your sincere desire for her entire self, she can feel your acceptance. And if she can consistently feel your acceptance, she can…say it with me….R-E-L-A-X.
As I was running this part of the article past my girlfriend, she said “Yeah, nobody wants to feel like a sexual receptacle.” More creepy imagery. But again, I get the point. How about you?
Bottom line: She’s mad because she wants to feel desired and accepted. She’s not mad because you’re a pervert. She’s mad because she can’t relax.
How to “be her man”: Ask her if she could leave her genitals in the bed and go get you a cup of coffee. No, don’t do that. I have no idea why I typed that. Probably because I’m a pervert.
Seriously, I mean, really seriously…you know exactly what this means. Every man I know understands the incredibly crappy feeling of being rejected. The pain is the same whether it’s the rejection of our emotions, our opinions or our body. Rejection is one of our biggest complaints and worst fears.
You can imagine how she feels if your desire and acceptance is limited to her sexuality. Don’t get me wrong, she definitely wants to feel your unapologetic, masculine, wanton desire for her body. But at this moment you are the only man on the entire planet with the secret power to help her feel thoroughly desired and accepted – body, heart and soul. One out of three doesn’t work.
The thing keeping her awake at night is, if he has that secret power, why wouldn’t her man use it?
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If you’re a man who wants to figure out what to think and do next in your relationship, I wrote this ebook as a starting point for you. Download your free copy of “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage” HERE.
Photo: Pexels
dude, that was awesome.
Beautifully, well put!
Articles towards women about how to improve their relationships with all of the emphasis on their actions (and not their partner’s) are considered commonplace. The reaction here to a similar article written for men is telling of the double standards in our society.
I’m not proud of this but as a woman I think the author is on to something. At least when I was younger. I’m 40 now and quite capable of expressing myself like an adult and adressing my own needs. I also like to think I’m a soft place for my husband to land at night after a long stressful day. We are definitely equal partners in all aspects of life. However when we were young in our 20s. I think this was very true –at least for me. I never used the words ” I want you to be… Read more »
Interesting piece.
The way I read the article is we ‘men’ have to be aware of their needs and attention, keep our (men) feelings and emotions in check to placate the female needs/wants. There doesnt seem to be much detail about the male partners needs/wants. Just how to control his thoughts, actions and instincts.
Luckily I keep my deepest thoughts to myself in the fear ‘she’ may not like it.
So, placate ‘her’ and keep your thoughts and emotions to yourself.
Hey Grant,
You may want to read my follow on article titled “Do we get to ask her to be the WOMAN?”
My point is that you can keep the emotions in check that rattle her and cause distress.
Those emotions are BEST shared with the men in your life. You certainly get to declare what you need and want. I teach men how to do this from a place of strength instead of insecurity.
There are ways to communicate your deepest thoughts to her in ways that could inspire/attract/arouse her instead of scare her.
“And the last thing these educated, powerful, mature, and successful women need is another discussion about why they shouldn’t feel the way they feel.” “And the translation husbands hear is “you suck, you’re a bad husband and you’re a pervert”. Dude, that’s not what she’s saying. I see why you might take it personally, but she doesn’t mean to attack your manhood. You have to keep your mojo in check and realize that not every angry woman is angry with you. ” The second quote I pulled sounds like a deliberate attempt to word this so it doesn’t blatantly read… Read more »
Jeremie, that’s a good catch. You’ve entered the zone of “alleged equality” and the “two way street” myth. My attempt here is to help men understand their own power in using their thoughts and reasoning to preempt their own irrational reaction to her feelings and to take action they want to take anyway. What about women taking the higher road with their feelings? That is 100% out of our control and it’s a complete waste of time and mojo to dwell on it. We can work with what we’ve got in front of us or move on. My experience is… Read more »
I appreciate that you are trying to help couples but this really does sound like you are telling men what and how to feel (something that is frowned upon when done to women), giving women a free pass to feel whatever they want (something that is frowned upon when extended to men), and then expecting men to almost be mind readers (something that is frowned upon when expected of women). You have to keep your mojo in check and realize that not every angry woman is angry with you. This seems to go beyond the realm of husband and wife.… Read more »
Hey Danny, “you are trying to tell men to get over ourselves when dealing with angry women, even when that anger manifests in hostile ways.” That’s exactly what I’m saying, Danny. I’m not trying – that’s exactly my message. The biggest hurdle an insecure man has is believing that if someone else is mad, it’s somehow a reflection on him. I spent many years living in that myth. It’s garbage and self-destructive. When other people are angry, upset, or hostile toward us, the BEST perspective you can have is curiosity. That requires mojo. Calm, deliberate and pleased masculine energy. Knowing… Read more »
Hi, I’m probably totally stupid, but I don’t get it. You say that we need to realize that a woman’s anger, or what she feels, has nothing to do with us. Yet the header of this article reads 3 Things She Wants When She Says “I need you to be the man in this relationship” with sub-headers like: “I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Relax” “I Just Want to Feel Like I Can Count on Him” “I Want to Feel Like He Desires Me, Not Just My Body” So, if what she feels has nothing to do with… Read more »
Hey FK, Not a stupid question. The distinction can be confusing. It’s her outward expression of anger, disappointment, criticism, disapproval, etc. that is masking what she really wants to feel in my examples. Her emotion of anger is about not feeling what she wants to feel – it’s not a direct attack on you as a man. We know full well when we’ve done something to warrant a direct attack. For a man to realize this and not get rattled over it (when he knows it’s not warranted) he can then have the clarity to see what she really wants.… Read more »
Would I be with a woman who hates me, secretly or not? Gee, I don’t know about that… I met the capital “W” Woman, the love of my life. At least I thought I did. But a couple of years down the road I broke up with her. I was totally devoted to her. But down the road I never knew whether she resented me, really hated me, or just didn’t give a crap. Because her mind always seemed to be somewhere else, wandering off at places that didn’t have anything to do with us. Cancelling plans at the last,… Read more »
Although I agree with much of this, I’m curious why you say “two way street” is a myth? Isn’t that a bit condescending to women, like, they are children who can’t be held to the standards they hold men to?
Jason, if something is a verifiable fact, can it be condescending?
Fact is, the overwhelming majority of married women are more negatively affected by their husband’s vulnerability than he is by hers.
It will be beyond our lifetime before that might change. It doesn’t make them “children” anymore than our masculinity makes us “toxic”.
Is that a fact, or do we just not see how women’s vulnerability negatively affects men?
Because we chose not to see it, because we don’t want to, because men are better at bottling up their true feelings, because they are required to? Reiterated to the point where not a small amount of men rather commit suicide than share their innermost feelings with the one person who once promised them “to have and to hold for better and for worse, in sickness and in health”.
Ok, I see what you were trying to say. Honestly I’m not sure that this article conveys quite the point you’re trying to make. Having come from a very emotionally and verbally abusive marriage, this article probably triggered me a lot more then it encouraged me. I agree that obviously, there’s nothing I can do about how someone else chooses to express themselves. And yes I am the only one in control of how I choose to respond or react. A part of me was hoping I would read something in your article that said, “Keep in mind even if… Read more »
Hey Steve, I agree with a lot of what you are trying to say. But I’m curious what is meant by the ‘two way street myth’. Doesn’t that suggest women are like children, unable to be held to the same standards they hold men to?
Steve, another great article. I wish I would have known this sooner. It might have saved my marriage. However, it’ll be great for my next relationships. Thanks for what your doing!
Thanks, DJ. Those last two sentences of yours were beautiful. I appreciate your insights and the efforts you’re making here. Have a great weekend, brother.
If she says that, then a man should say “Only if you are the woman in this relationship.” It is time for women to start taking some responsibility.
…and then you two just sit there and are unsatisfied, unseen, unappreciated, and feeling unloved.
Someone has to take the first step. What you propose is a stalemate. Neither making an effort or making any changes until they get exactly what they want…just like they did when they were two years old.
Men should not make an effort if they get nothing in return.
And women shouldn’t make an effort if the man doesn’t make an effort, then men shouldn’t make an effort… Dude, SOMEBODY has got to start! And if you expect a response immediately, sometimes it won’t come. Much as you, it might take a little time to get over the initial hurt. If you are the man and allow for a little time to pass, I pretty much guarantee that she’ll be the woman and respond in kind. As Steve Horsmon said, we can only control our own responses, not those of others. And therapists often say, “if it bothers you,… Read more »
“Ask her if she could leave her genitals in the bed and go get you a cup of coffee. No, don’t do that. I have no idea why I typed that. Probably because I’m a pervert.” Only part of this whole thing that I could relate to. Kidding. Good stuff. In a language that guys can understand. I remember an on-line discussion with one particular guy where, while his wife was doing a strip tease for him, he blurted that she looked silly. I’m not lying.Almost broke two fingers when I instinctively reached out and slapped the monitor upside the… Read more »