Men have always wondered about the most complex (and simplest) thing in the world: what does she really want–and need–in me?
—
“What do women want?”
If I had a quarter for every time I heard this question, I would have buckets full of money!
Is it good looks in a partner that we, as women, desire?
Is it a man with money?
Is it prestige in his job that we’re attracted to?
The answer is very simple: a heterosexual woman in search of a relationship is looking for a “MAN.”
And no, she is not merely seeking a penis with a wallet.
She wants a “real” man.
So what does a “real man” look like? Are you a real man? How can you tell? What can you do to truly become one?
1. Be A Leader
Even the staunchest independent woman is looking for a man to help her take charge. In the real world, women carry a lot of extra baggage on their shoulders that most men don’t: children, body image, glass ceiling, etcetera, etcetera. The list goes on and on (example: How many men carry behemoth-sized totes full of clothes with them, just to accommodate their dating life?).
Let’s face it: after-hours our skirts get shorter and our heels get higher. And once kids enter the picture, forget it! How many men do we know who get up two hours earlier to do their hair and makeup, before taking their kids to school and showing up at the office focused, competent and presentable?
So the least you can do is take the burden off her shoulders where (and when) you can. That doesn’t mean waiting for her to give you a list of chores. It means noticing what needs doing, taking charge, and DOING IT.
But how will she know you’re a leader if you just met her?
Act like one from the very beginning. Don’t ask her when and where she’d like to go on your first date. Tell her you’ve made reservations at the new, trendy restaurant on Saturday at 8pm. Hope, it’s ok with her. Because of course, it is! And while we’re on the topic of “asking,” don’t ASK her out on a date. Tell her that you’d like to take her out — and be specific.
As long as she enjoys your company and trusts your strength, she’s more than happy to let you lead her.
2. Be A Lover
Yes, sex is (EXTREMELY) important, but in a relationship, the woman needs to feel desired in order to feel sexual. Most women need to feel loved, first and foremost. Therefore, “Hey baby, I’m in the mood; let’s go” — is NOT foreplay!
Women don’t require much when it comes to you professing your love; just some sincere signs of caring every now and then. Sometimes a simple text like “I can’t wait to see you tonight,” gets us ready and able, right then and there. Signs of love can vary from small token gifts to lavish all-expenses-paid-vacations to mere touches of the hand. Just about any gesture will do, as long as it is heartfelt.
At the same time women need to feel safe and secure in love. Wondering why your “staff meeting” did not let up ’till 2 am and you came home smelling like Chanel No. 5, not only makes a woman feel insecure, it brings out feelings in her that she, herself, does not appreciate: jealousy and distrust. And believe me: when a woman doesn’t feel happy and secure in herself, she cannot bring joy to you.
Word of caution! There is a fine line between showing a woman she’s genuinely loved (and desired) and showing her that you’ll jump off the nearest cliff if she’s not in your life. “Neediness” is not a virtue (and it’s not attractive). No woman wants or needs to carry you as an extra burden in her life.
3. Be A Provider
A woman doesn’t need you to sport the title of head of a Neurosurgery Division or top Executive at Microsoft to know you’re a provider. Hell, you don’t even have to show her your bank account. You just need to make a woman trust that no matter what, you’ll be able to provide not just for the two of you, but for your future children as well. Remember that glass ceiling I mentioned above? It exists. Women still make less money for equal work while also shouldering the bulk of childcare and housework responsibilities, while men work. So whether she’s building her career or decides to spend formative years with her babies, she needs to know that if and when she needs it, her man will provide where she can’t.
Unfortunately, in today’s world, it’s become taboo to talk about a man as a provider. The mere word “provider” will trigger a number of knee-jerk comebacks: “gold-digger,” “sugar-daddy,” “materialist,” just to name a few. As a result, most women today won’t even broach the subject for fear of being branded with those labels. Nevertheless, just because they won’t bring it up doesn’t make them any less concerned. Yes, there is such thing as unconditional love. But there are also such things as rent and college tuition.
So how does one assure their lady that they will make a good provider for her and her children? Well, as mentioned before little gestures go a long way. Don’t ask her to split a dinner check: after all, if you can’t afford dinner, can you afford school tuition? (It’s perfectly appropriate, however, to accept her dinner invitation if she specifies that she is taking you to dinner.) Don’t request gas money, if you pay for parking on the date. You get the picture.
Stepping up and being the man every woman desires really isn’t difficult. It’s a state of mind, not the state of your physique or bank account. How you present it, on the other hand, is all up to you.
—
This essay originally appeared on NYSocials and is republished on Medium.
—
Read Marina’s column every week here on The Good Men Project!
And thank you for sharing this!
—
Photo credit: iStock
Another woman who understands zilch! Let’s start with: •”not merely seeking a penis with a wallet ” – so it is a factor, way to appreciate men •a real man – with all the fake up, plastic surgery and various garments made to enhance a woman’s look and you want a “real man” – piss off you stupid bint. A real man is true unto himself and his beliefs. Nothing more! So if you want to tell me how to be a real man, I’ll tell you how to be a real woman and not just a vagina that makes… Read more »
Woah, I was really taken back by this perspective. First, let me say I dislike laundry lists. We all have different needs at different stages of our life. A 20 year old has very different needs than a 50 year old & are in different places in life. Woman carry a lot of extra baggage than men don’t? I don’t think men & women’s baggage should be competing. It’s just different with different size suitcases. I wouldn’t call it baggage the way this article is referencing it; I’d say we each have responsibilities in life. It’s our job to understand… Read more »
“Women still make less money for equal work” No. They don’t. And anyway it’s irrelevant. You’re talking about two people here, not some massive swath of society. It’s not like all men make more than all women. There’s no tax on women that benefits men, so making him pay because the guy in the cubicle next to hers makes more than she does (if, indeed he does, which again I kinda doubt.) is ridiculous. Be honest, all this is is a flimsy justification for the fact that women want to be able to duck in and out of their traditional… Read more »