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Does your partner initiate sex less often than she used to? Are the two of you fighting over insignificant things? Has she been less emotionally available and sexually interested recently? All of these problems stem back to the same issue…
Your sex life has gone stale.
By shifting a few small habits in your life, you can feel more connected to your partner, which will result in having more deeply fulfilling sex, in addition to doing away with 99% of the unnecessary arguments that you and your partner currently have.
Here are the three ways to more fully open your relationship, sexually and emotionally.
1. Praise and Appreciation
The masculine in all of us primarily responds to challenge, and the feminine in us responds to praise.
Your partner will open up to you more fully once you have opened up to her emotionally. One of the best ways to do this is to be lavish with your praise.
Do you like a certain body part, character trait, or feature of your partner? Let her know. And then let her know again.
Some men feel a loss of power when they compliment their partners too much. This is your inner child speaking, and does not need to be acknowledged.
If you admire something about her, let it be known. If she did something that you appreciated, mention it with transparency. If it really affected you, share it with her the next time you think about it.
There is a bonus side effect in cultivating this habit of expressing your appreciation — in anyone, the more you praise something, the more you will see of it.
Do you love how radiant she looks when she wears a certain shirt? Let it be known and you will miraculously start seeing it more often.
Do you love a certain sexual position that you haven’t seen much of in a while? Tell her how often you fantasize about it or how sexy she looks in it and the position will suddenly make its way back into the rotation.
Do you love how she plays with your hair in a tender way? Let her know, and the millions of nerve endings on your scalp will thank you.
I have yet to meet a woman who tired of being told how sexy/awesome/beautiful she is. Start today. Send a text this very instant if you have to.
2. Create a Safe Space
She needs you to be able to handle everything that she wants to tell you emotionally, and show you sexually.
People do their deepest healing in their intimate relationships. She wants to be able to share her darker side with you (past emotional traumas, issues, secret fantasies) without fear that she will be judged.
By creating a safe, judgment-free space whenever you are together, you will see your partner slowly start to open up to you and trust you more.
Women (or the feminine associated partner) connect primarily through conversation. Ask her about her day, and really listen. Listen without trying to solve what you perceive to be her problems.
Although she might sound like she’s complaining or frustrated about something, chances are, she’s not looking to you for answers. If you really think she’s seeking your advice, wait for a pause in the conversation. At this point, you can ask her “Do you want my help with this? Or would you prefer if I just listened to you?” Otherwise, initiate eye contact, hear her out, and let her share her day with you.
Like the boulder that is unaffected by the tornado, it is your job to be witness to her emotions, without being affected by them.
And in the bedroom, a lot of your sexual confidence (and her trust in you) stems from knowing that you will be able to handle whatever she throws at you. If she screams, scratches your back, or cries out, she wants to know in her core that you will be able to handle it. She needs to be sure that you will stay with her and continue to be the rock that will hold her through whatever her tornado throws your way.
Want an example of how to stay solid? A lot of guys freak out when their partners start crying and they don’t know how to handle themselves. If she starts crying and says “I hate crying around people. You shouldn’t have to see me like this,” you can try replying with “I am honoured that you feel comfortable enough to cry around me. I only think more of you for having the courage to cry right now. It’s okay, let it out.”
This is the way of the evolved masculine lover… instead of shying away or being fearful of the tornado, you stare deeply into it and ask for more.
3. See Through Her Moods
“Um… are you mad at me about something?”
“No. I’m fine.”
If your partner, who speaks an average of 20,000 words per day, simply tells you that she is “fine,” then she is most certainly not fine.
Women are generally much better communicators than their male counterparts. One major difference in how the genders communicate is in the use of subtext.
When men say something, they usually mean what they said, and only what they said. Women, on the other hand, more often mean what they mean and less what they say. It’s the words behind the words that matter.
For example, your girlfriend could say, “I’m cold” to mean “Please give me your coat.” Or she might say, “I’m not really feeling like going out tonight anymore,” to mean “I’m feeling disconnected from you emotionally and I want you to have the courage to make sure I feel loved enough before I feel like being in public with you.”
And no, she isn’t speaking in code, or being difficult, or any other over simplistic dogma that you may have heard. The nature of the feminine is to put up small barriers of energetic resistance to the masculine to make sure that the masculine loves her enough to penetrate through those barriers.
She insists she’s “fine” to see if you care enough to break the barrier. She insists she’s fine to see if you are attentive enough to her emotional needs. She insists she’s “fine” to see if you will attempt to understand why she clearly is not fine.
So you must learn to see through your partner’s words. Listen to what she is saying on the surface, but be more aware of what her words mean.
Open Up to Her Emotionally To Experience Deeper Connection
Your emotional connection to your woman affects your sex life. Your personal integrity and congruence affect your sex life. The extent to which your partner trusts you affects your sex life.
Strive to be the most open, courageous, and mentally strong version of yourself that there ever was, and your partner will open to you and show you a deep level of devotion that will result in a high every time the two of you make eye contact.
This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com and is republished to Medium.
Photo credit: iStock
This is a shockingly irresponsible article to post here. There is nothing more than stereotypes of ‘feminine’ and ‘masculine’ – what is the basis for the argument in this article other than hearsay? The assumption that men want sex all the time because of some ‘masculine’ drive? Psychological research has clarified that there is no psychological basis for ‘feminine’ or ‘masculine’ in fact the two concepts are just stereotypes. Why then publish an article that only seeks to perpetuate stereotyping? And from an author that sells coaching for men to be more like ‘Christian Gray’ – the abusive controlling man… Read more »
You are right. These emotional things and communication techniques open me up sexually. But then I end up being receptive and giving off the vibe that am ready, which I am, for sex. Then invariably he skimps on foreplay and I feel i have been duped. Opened for sex only to not get to enjoy it. Having an emotionally aware partner is very sexually frustrating! So I don’t want to give off the open and receptive vibes I feel. 🙁 I think you needed an additional point. Foreplay is the main course for us. Intercourse is the incredible dessert that… Read more »
Find a guy from another Country, for real. Mediterranean Europeans or South Americans usually offer really, really good sex (giving, foreplay, actually try to make women orgasm), not to mention they can be so charming, passionate and take good care of their bodies; if you are American, you are stuck with the third worst men in bed.
“The nature of the feminine is to put up small barriers of energetic resistance to the masculine to make sure that the masculine loves her enough to penetrate through those barriers. She insists she’s “fine” to see if you care enough to break the barrier. She insists she’s fine to see if you are attentive enough to her emotional needs. She insists she’s “fine” to see if you will attempt to understand why she clearly is not fine.” I agree with those above that is not particularly effective communication, but effective or not, it sure as hell is true. I… Read more »
My pleasure Hailey. I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Women are generally much better communicators than their male counterparts. One major difference in how the genders communicate is in the use of subtext. When men say something, they usually mean what they said, and only what they said. Women, on the other hand, more often mean what they mean and less what they say. It’s the words behind the words that matter. Why is not saying what you mean superior communication, or conversely, why is saying what you mean somehow defective or inferior? Beats me! I would postulate that the best communication is the one which produces the least… Read more »
While I found the first two points in this article very useful, I questioned the third one as well. This expectation that I just see through her moods can feel really manipulative and disrespectful. On the other hand, if you don’t consider this a gendered issue, I think empathy here can be very helpful. There are certainly times when I’ve gone distant in my communication and having my partner step up a little would have been very helpful. I expect it’s the same for women. Communication in relationships usually follows the virtuous circle or downward spiral pattern; being able to… Read more »
Sooooo, everyone should communicate like men then? Ok done, settled, sign on the dotted line. Say what you fucking mean! Dont gotta deal with all this meaning behind the meaning, fine not fine bullshit.
Amen!
Listen to any politician or CEO, and tell me with a straight face that speaking more words has a correlation with being a better communicator… 🙂