With the news of late full of General Petraeus and other men who’ve had affairs, there’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.
Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.
But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.
And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.
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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:
I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.
From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:
I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:
1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles
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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:
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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.
And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:
1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.
My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.
(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)
2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.
3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.
4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.
Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.
5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.
From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:
I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.
Rip Wallace says:
Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.
Shawn Peters adds:
I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.
And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:
The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.
I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.
Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.
In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.
Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.
About The Good Feed Blog Editors
A lot of these responses suggest that men do want to cheat but don’t because of reason x, y, z…
What about the simple reason that they don’t want to cheat? Full stop. No other reasons required.
I dont want to cheat because i dont want to. I’m not attracted to other women, simple.
Let’s be realistic, folks: I think you’re lying to yourself when you say you’re not attracted to other women. We all have that inner urge because we’re human. Our loyalty and commitment may far outweigh that urge, but that doesn’t make the urge go away. It’s important to acknowledge that urge so it never gets the best of you.
I’m not lying. I only can have sexual and romantic attraction with woman I have emotional connection with. And that’s my girlfriend. Every men are different, like every women are different. I’m not like you, fine. But don’t assume other men are lying if they are different from you.
@John:
“I only can have sexual and romantic attraction with woman I have emotional connection with.”
Me too. Although I didn’t know that until I’d tried it.
For John and FlyingKal,
Have you used (and/or do you use) porn? If no, was it due to the lack of romantic/emotional connection? If yes, do you find the actors attractive? How do you view the experience of using porn?
I mean this completely snark-free, I’m just really interested in your perspectives.
@Jim
I can honestly say that I am not attracted to any other woman other than my wife and that is the honest truth. There is a distinction to be made between seeing someone as attractive and being attracted to them. I recognize that there are attractive women out there and I see them as such, however, I am in no way attracted to them and fantasize about being with them. There is no inner “urge” that I have towards other women. That urge is for my wife and her only.
Wow, Thanks John, FlyingKal and Michael for sharing. It’s really cool to hear that.
Some men are just wired differently than others. I just saw two men very close to me get into a heated argument about this. One simply didn’t want to do anything with other woman given any opportunity, the other wanted to have sex with every attractive woman he could. They both thought the other was crazy and tried to impose their views on each other.
Here’s the thing – not everyone is wired for monogamy, but if you’re in a a poly relationship, you’re still committed. Lying, keeping secrets and sharing intimacy beyond the bounds of your commitment to your partner – even if it’s a poly relationship – is cheating.
I did not cheat because:
1) I loved my ex wife
2) I respected my marriage and my vows to my ex wife, myself, and God
3) I did not wish to commit adultery.
When married an individual’s dedication to loyalty and commitment is like their dedication to other things in life. Some people are more determined and disciplined than others. I was just disciplined enough to honor my vows until the end.
The problem is that a lot of us weren’t raised in a culture where any type of poly lifestyle was socially acceptable, much less even an OPTION. We didn’t even know that you could actually have an honest, open, committed poly relationship. It’s still not very acceptable, and a difficult topic to address when entering a relationship. Secrets and lying seemed like the only options for a long time. On the other side, nowadays a lot of people in favor of some sort of poly lifestyle accuse monogamous people of lying to themselves and others and being suppressed in some way–when some people are simply happy being monogamous.
@Aya…
While I certainly understand that a person can love and be in love romantically with more than one person, I just really do not get the point of poly. What I struggle with is this notion of a committed primary partner but yet you are free to be with other people. Seems to make a mockery of the committed piece. I know it is open and consensual. Which makes it all the more baffling. Why bother? Why not have an FWB with everyone?
It seems as if you remove sex from the equation, then their is no real desire for poly. No? So, at the heart of this IS sex too. Which again I ask, why bother with the committed piece if the motivation for seeing others is largely sex?
I actually do believe in polygamy. Just as gay marriage is now legal and respected in some states, I believe polygamy should be legal as well. With polygamy, you have formal relationships often with religious underpinnings. There is none of this seeing and having sex with other people outside of the committed relationship (marriage). Hence, the commitment is genuine. Under the poly relationship you are espousing, the commitment just seems flimsy and self serving.
It’s not for me. But, if it works for you and others by all means proceed. I like my FWB without any kind of commitment. When the women have had enough of me, they are free to go. I will just find a new partner.
It just seems to me that what ACTUALLY occurs in life is either serial marriage, serial relationships, and/or serial dating or some combinations. The bottom line is none of these things is of permanent duration for most people.
So, to me I asked myself: why should I subject myself to all the emotional and psychological torment? Does it make me grow and develop as a person or does it retard my growth? I have concluded that it is negative and offers very little in the way of personal growth. Hence, I sought alternatives.
Thank you for responding, Jules. Why bother, you ask? I’m a romantic at heart. Some people just are. I love the connection. Having allies and a partner/partners. I love loving and being loved. The emotional and practical benefits of relationships and friendships. But sometimes, there will be sexual interests outside of a monogamous relationship. Maybe this will include several primary relationships. Maybe it will be one on one, but with a little room to stray (as long as he/she doesn’t abandon the person to whom he/she made a commitment). And there will be jealousy and fighting, of course–but isn’t there jealousy and fighting in every relationship? Sometimes a bit of leeway allows for a better chance of permanence. Not always. But sometimes. I’m still not entirely sure as to where I stand. But I’m trying to figure it out.
@Aya…
I understand and respect your perspectives on poly.
Our views on life often change with experience. Experience sometimes gives us a different take on life. I cannot go the poly route as it is just not for me. While I was once a strict believer in monogamy, I am now a non believer in anything committed.
Best of luck to you.
@Jules Thank you for broaching the subject of polygamy, which gets such an undeservedly misogynist rap due to the radical stories which have colored the headlines I suppose.
Probably some unfortunate souls do still live in inbred and abusive situations, who knows, though there are others of us than that, and any list of sexually perverted horrors which names bigamy in the same sentence as bestiality is an excellent illustration of a radically uninformed point of view .
Muslim polygamists currently practice in open civil disobedience in many communities in America (for example) which often lack sufficient fit men because of over-incarceration for non-dangerous drug crimes. Free good fathers are reproducing rapidly with willing women, raising a strong generation in big loving homes, following the doctrine of the Prophet, whose words were so similar to the Buddha’s and the Christ’s; fine examples .
The Old Testament Fathers practiced polygamy, as well they should have, having been such excellent leaders and providers. Krishna had 16,000 wives. Millions lived communally in the 60’s. More recently we have the polyamory movement, which seems to be so reluctant to be at all associated with any man with 2+ wives even if all they want is the One Dick for the rest of their lives.
It’s not criminal to fuck or make babies with more than one woman in America (nor to try to emulate God). Yet our system discourages spiritual unions, and many unwed mothers raise children alone. Call my spiritual brides mistresses, baby mamas, whatever you like. But the separation of church and state was definitely meant to encompass the goings-on in our temple, that is to say home.
Respect that / my harem bastards and i / prefer tribe.
It ain’t pre-teen trafficking, nor coercion, we’re consenting adults. Committed to cornerstone-of-society freakin shit y’all. Why be jealous when one’s love loves another?
When it’s so much better to be close.
Americans are spiritually autonomous, free to pursue our happiness; We The People may do whom we choose.
And hey, as you said, if one favors gay marriage why not this?
I think it is natural to want to be attracted to/want to have sex with a variety of people. That’s human nature. I kind of disagree that being poly is a “sexual orientation” because I think that is just an effort to use an impressive sounding label to legitimize a normal human drive. All people get hungry and some will overeat and some don’t. Some people have eating disorders. Most people obsess at least a little about their weight and their diet. Some have a completely healthy attitude toward food (I’d argue they are few!) So sex is the same kind of drive but even more complicated because while it is relatively easy to define over eating (it makes you fat) it is difficult to define a bright line between healthy sexing and over sexing. That line is different for everyone I suppose. Well, if you are religious there is a bright line but it is murky for the rest of us.
@Sarah…
I am with you. While I do not wish to cast any judgement on the poly folks, I just view their arguments as flimsy and self serving.
I know we as humans do have the capacity to love more than one person romantically at a time. Yes, this does exist. However, if you were to remove sex from the poly lifestyle, I think it would disappear. So, the motivation is not love and romance. But rather it is SEX.
So, to me the poly life style is simply an argument for having sex with other people while being in a committed relationship. It’s like an open marriage with trust and consent. But at its core is SEX and not love.
Anyhow, whatever makes people happy I guess. It’s their business.
That’s funny to hear, because I often wonder the same thing about monogamy. As in, remove sex from the monogamous lifestyle, and how many people would still be getting married?
Would there still be love? or romance?
Seems to me people would end up living/committing to their best friends instead and live out their days with those folks. After all, why limit yourself to only one best friend when you could have many? Maybe everyone would organize into tight little friend clusters and effectively end up living in poly relationships!
Of course these thought experiments don’t do very much good because few of us can imagine a life without a sexdrive, let alone a species without one.
@Dan….
“That’s funny to hear, because I often wonder the same thing about monogamy. As in, remove sex from the monogamous lifestyle, and how many people would still be getting married?”
Nearly one third of all marriages are sexless (fewer than 10 times per year). Also, I can tell you as a divorced man that sex sucks in marriage. Yet, many of these marriages endure for many many years. Why? Because of love, vows, kids, loyalty, etc.
You don’t get married to have sex. I can tell you that from experience.
Yes, but most people do not enter marriages anticipating it will be sexless. That’s an unintended and undesired eventuality.
People will often stay married because getting a divorce can be a very messy and traumatic experience. They may also feel it’s better for the kids or for their social standing or their bank balance or something else, while supplementing the relationship with sex on the side. There are many reasons why people may stay together that has nothing to do with romance or love.
I think normal monogamous relationships are just as much about sex as poly ones are. Get rid of sex and those relationships would cease to exist too.
When talking about what goes on in someone’s marriage, especially their sexual relationship, the best you can say is “as far as I know.” For example, “as far as I know he’s never cheated.” Even within your own marriage, you can never know with absolute objective certainty, only with some faith and trust.
I’ll add one more reason. It’s the surest way to crush your kids, lose their respect, and become a part-time dad.
Finally, the other side of the story. The infidelity-obsessed media is really getting on my last nerve.
Cheating is like divorce, divorce is like suicide, it’s selfless! All about the one who did it with no thought to the effect on everyone else. And like many said in this article, I won’t cheat because; I love my wife (even after she had a life changing, physical altering, brain hemorrhage and two strokes), she’s still my wife, I made a promise to her 28 years ago, “I promise to ALWAYS love you”. Many times when we marry and we say” I promise to love you in sickness and health”, we’re thinking of a cold, flu, pimple, not a life altering illness. “I promise to love you always”! I won’t cheat on my wife because; besides the fact I love her deeply, it would break my sons hearts, I will let down thousands of people who know me and what I do, many of them are young people, I would let down my staff and those who look up to me and work with me, but most of all How could I do this thing and sin against a Holy and pure God?
If that works for you, then don’t let go of that way of seeing things.
I can tell you from firsthand experience, however, that a cheating person does not necessarily give no thought to other people. Not every affair is completely, absolutely callous and totally selfish. It sure seems that way to someone on the outside, but that hardly describes everything that goes on inside the affair. If we could just reduce infidelity down to selfishness, then the world looks really simple. On the other hand, if affairs are just caused by simple selfishness, there would be even more of them. Affairs come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. They are all wrong, but they’re motivated by different things, and they’re wrong in various ways.
If the reasons for being faithful are largely external (don’t want to hurt other people, don’t want to let my community down, don’t want to be branded as an adulterer, don’t want to get dragged through an ugly divorce etc.), that may not be enough to deter someone who feels very tempted. Another danger with being too defined by other people is that it makes an affair seem at the time like an act of rebellion or independence.
When the topic is monogamy between two people, the ones who believe in it and practice it because they like it and want to, often do seem to be accused of lying, of denying evolutionary biology, of being faithful only because society forces them to. Typically, those who do not believe in monogamy use the words “honest”, “mature” and “secure” to describe themselves. In other words, everything that individuals who appreciate monogamy are not.
I don’t understand how anyone can say that monogamy is perfectly natural or perfectly unnatural. It’s obviously possible for some people. Some people practice it and seem to be happy with it, and others try it and are not happy. Others have other kinds of relationships, and some of those people are happy and some are not. In some cases, there’s something wrong with the institution itself, and in some cases the people just aren’t doing it right.
Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, and being difficult doesn’t mean that it’s contrary to evolutionary programming (as if natural selection actually “programs” anything, but that’s another matter). The fact is, if people do something and it works for them, then we can hardly say that nature is against it. If people do it, it’s natural for people to do it. How can something “unnatural” actually exist?
If by “monogamy” we mean only being attracted to one person at a time, having no sexual feeling for anyone else whatsoever, then yes, monogamy is pretty much impossible for most people. If you’re depressed by the idea that your husband may in his mind find other women attractive, then maybe you shouldn’t be married in the first place — what you want is a very rare bird and a very rare relationship. But, if we define monogamy in terms of behavior, then sure, it’s much more possible to do. You can be happily monogamous without thinking or feeling monogamous at all times.
I suppose it depends on what a man’s inner beliefs are…if he has any…
My husband was brought up in a Reform Jewish household and around many women in his family….his family was quite liberal but principled…I admire him for his sense of moral obligation and duty….many things for him are a strict no-no and I love him for that….too many times I see other people breaking rules or trying to sneak around when they think no one is looking…
To each his own….he is not perfect, by any means, but he has never cheated….nor do I think he ever will…that to him would be a violation of a vow…
My inner belief is that both people has to take equal shares of responsibility for a functional relationship.
And, it’s also a question of commitment to one’s beliefs. Are we expecting everyone to live consistently with their ideals at every moment in time? Quite a high standard to set for anyone. If a man cheats, does that mean he doesn’t really believe in monogamy, doesn’t believe in it enough, or is there something else besides belief going on?
We can sit and describe all day long why we personally wouldnt cheat on a wife, but there is difference, in my opinion, when we are talking about high profile males or leaders. I believe the challenge is greater when we are talking about anyone who in the midst of the spotlight is attracting those women who dont care if you are married or have children.
If women are enamored in you because you are President of the United States ( you know who) or a Popular Senator running for President, or even a now famous retired general and ex CIA Director, what does a man do? It requires more backbone, more value in himself and those who love him, more bigger integrity and having the strength in knowing the wisest ……is just saying no.
When a man cheats, he cheats himself, he lessens the quality within his heart and in his soul. He loses himself to another who thinks less of him that he would even follow through.
We choose not to be monogamous; he doesn’t cheat because he knows he can be honest. Non-monogamous people can be and are faithful. Cheating is about deception, not about how many partners you have. Also, “cheating” is not the same for everyone. I am not perturbed if my partner has sex with someone else, but if he engaged in an intimate domestic ritual of ours with someone else, I’d be devastated.
And yes, I understand that the point of this is supposed to be to show that men do have self-control and aren’t walking erections.
How is sex not an intimate domestic ritual? To me, the thought of my partner caressing and kissing and making dirty talk ti and snuggling with to another woman makes me feel physically ill – I’m not sure I could ever want to have sex with him again if he betrayed me that way.
I don’t cheat because I have regular and amazing sex with my very sexy beloved. Although it has to be said that if this wasn’t the case, I’d break up rather than cheat. I wouldn’t want to dishonour myself in that way.
@CmE..
Good man and a very lucky man too!
Most married men are not getting regular and amazing sex from their wives. Only the few and the proud.
Because a commitment means something. It means giving something (sex with others) in exchange for a bond. That you give something up is what makes the commitment worth something.
@DLZ…
What if you are giving sex in exchange for sex? Specifically I am referring to an FWB arrangement.
Where does commitment enter? I say it does not at all.
Just asking.
An FWB arrangement doesn’t really constitute “commitment” of any kind (hence me calling it an ‘arrangement’ and not a ‘relationship’).
Commitment really only comes into play when the involved parties have previously agreed to exclusivity. If there’s no expectation of exclusivity, there’s no cheating, simple as that.
I never even thought of cheating. I fell in love with the women I married and remain in love.”Cheating” is generally connected to sexual activity with another woman, other than your wife. My relationship with my wife of 38 years is not solely based on sex, our relationship is far more involved than just that. Accordingly, if I were to cheat, I have the potential of losing far more then just a sexual partner, I lose my best friend, my soul mate. Besides, I made a life long commitment to het when we took our marriage vows. Those vows were made in front of God and blessed by God. Besides, a women who would have an affair with a married man has questionable values, values that don’t match my own.
@Tom B…
Terrific and heart warming to hear.
What about us fortunate souls who have a woman that loves sex with their husbands? I’d never met woman who could match my needs/wants/desires/fantasies before my wife. She craves me and doesn’t just keep up, she exceeds me, which thrills me to the core. Not just lip service, either. I get all I need and then some in not just the purely physical sense, but mentally, emotionally and even spiritually, despite our different spiritual preferences. Luck doesn’t being to describe what I have found. I do hope everyone finds and revels in the type of happiness I’ve stumbled upon.
@Doug..
You are indeed a fortunate soul.
Few people are able to realize this type of joy and happiness. I would trade a seven figure net worth for such joy and happiness.
ok, to be honest about it: I don’t cheat because then I’d have to either lie (at least by omission), or really really hurt my wife, whom I love so dearly. Look, I’ve been with a lot of women in my life, relationships and otherwise — before my marriage. And I know what sex means (which is never nothing), and what it doesn’t mean (which is only occasionally something significant). And I travel a lot, and I get some offers. And sometimes I’m tempted. but I don’t do it — because it would just be there, somehow, subtly, in the field between me and my wife. Maybe it is a gender thing. Maybe women are generally less able to have it be not a big deal — if they do it, I mean. But she just wouldn’t understand it that way, if I did it; she just wouldn’t. And I wouldn’ t put her — and us — through that. that’s the real reason.
Mine is pretty simple, I don’t like the idea of being a total dirtbag and destroying my marriage vows because I had such little discipline that I couldn’t control myself. Plus I have daughters which is another total game changer. Cheating doesn’t exactly make me a better role model and guide to my children. Those reasons alone are enough for me.
Yes, it is very important to be unselfish and a great example for your children.
Our society has become so narcissistic and unprincipled.
Kudos to you! Happy Thanksgiving!
I don’t cheat because there’s a certain type of man I want to be, and that type of man doesn’t cheat on his partner.
I probably don’t belong in this discussion, because at one point years ago I did cheat on my wife. I don’t get to say that I have never cheated.
However, I am confident I will never cheat again, for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons for not cheating are noble and moral, and some of those reasons are practical and even selfish. Now that I know what it’s like, I have no desire to return to that kind of situation. For me, cheating was living half a life here and half a life there, not a full life anywhere. Every lie was like a little piece of death, a little piece of not being myself. I confessed to the affair and ended the affair all in one day. In that one day I broke three hearts, and broke my own twice.
When any man says he will never cheat, I hope that is true. Before I had an affair, I was also a man who would never cheat, and I had been commended on my loyalty. Even the woman I had an affair with said I was a loyal husband. Based on my experience, I hope you mean it when you say you won’t cheat. I hope it’s not just lip service or compensation or a smokescreen.
No man who cheats ever thinks he’s the kind of man who would cheat. If you’ve never, ever even been tempted, then you are very fortunate, and probably in the minority.
I won’t cheat because I already know what it feels like, and I know the consequences. Been there, done that, no thanks.
Nice post. Definitely needed. I’ve had enough of the double standard.
Outside of being head over heels with my lady — these days, it’s just too dangerous to cheat. We live in a dirty world. Sex is never that serious. If you feel an urge to cheat, you and your significant really need to have a talk.