31 Reasons Why Men Don’t Cheat

 

With the news of late full of General Petraeus and other men who’ve had affairs, there’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.

Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.

But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.

And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.

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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:

I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.

From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:

I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:

1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.

David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles

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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:

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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.

And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:

1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.

My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.

(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)

2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.

3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.

4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.

Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.

5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.

From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:

I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.

Rip Wallace says:

Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.

Shawn Peters adds:

I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.

And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:

The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.

I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.

Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.

In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.

Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.

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Read also: How the Myth That Men Fear Intimacy Contributes to the Disposability of Men and Boys

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Comments

  1. Cheap cheat says:

    Is it still cheating if we got married for economic reasons?

  2. This is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing <3

    "Men cheat" is a lie my mom told me once… that I believed. It's a lie. It's hard to stop believing it, though, because it feels like, if we stop and then get cheated on, we'll feel like suckers. Well, I think it's better to be a sucker than a cynic.

    That's just me though :o)

    • Yes! Thank you!
      That lie is at the core of many infidelities.
      It’s a burden that men may never recognize and it works both ways. Believing it, a man is compelled and justified by the lie not reality; if a woman believes it she will inadvertently encourage the propagation of such a false responsibility.
      It’s through clearing away the lies that a man actually sees himself.

  3. My husband says that he wouldn’t cheat on me for all the sweet reasons, but also because “The sex with anyone else would be a let down, cause I’ve got the best at home.”

  4. I was reading looking to see someone say they so t cheat because they have no desire to. But it seems that the ultimate answer of just not having any desire at all to cheat isn’t what keeps men from cheating. Everyone just makes it sound like they just have self control. I love my husband and have no desire once do ever to cheat on him. I don’t have to be strong or fight off some urge to keep myself from ruining our good home. It’s just that I never think about cheating. That is what I was hoping to find here: that some men just really don’t have to even give a second thought because their heart isn’t interested in anyone else.

  5. parrotchic says:

    “My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs.”

    I was blown away by this…absolutely beautiful sentiment. :)

    • wellokaythen says:

      “My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs.”

      And what about her love for him as a full human being, including his “sexual needs”? I would hope that in his relationship, it’s a two-way street about seeing each other as human beings. While he’s sacrificing his sexuality on the altar of her humanity, what is she doing?

      • God man, stop with that. He spoke about himself and that is all that we got, what she does is another matter. Now you are trying to suume what happens in their relationship…. damn.
        He never said he was “sacrificing his sexuality on the altar of her humanity” (really dude?) as well. He said he sacrifices his “sexual desires” to have sex with people other then her because he loves her. So now you believe that she needs to love his “sexual needs” and accpet him having sex outside of their relationship? What is that about?

  6. Marriages should not be entered into with anyone believing that it will last “forever” and “…’til death do us part” – that is just unrealistic and a fantasy we are fed from birth.
    Marriage is a legal contract and should have terms and a renewal period (every 5 years, let’s say) so that the financial worries, if there is a divorce, are put to rest and everyone knows what to expect if one or the other wants out. Put that in place and you can concentrate on the romance in the relationship in the here and now; the renewal comes up and it’s either, “Time to go, thanks for giving it your best” or “ I do!” for another 5.
    And if we were assets to each other before the divorce why not continue to be friends after the fact? Let’s all try to be a little more sophisticated, shall we?

  7. Michael says:

    Or maybe everyone could grow the fuck up and let go of their culturally instilled sexual jealousy? Had a girlfriend over, and despite warning her that my wife would be home soon but it was no big deal, had to keep her from sticking to the ceiling like Garfield when said wonderful wife came home, found us curled up under a blanket, then hopped in next to her and said, “Hope you two had fun!”

    Yes this happened. No it’s not a Penthouse letter. A Penthouse letter would have ended avec un menage a trois. Girlfriend didnt swing that way. Still with wonderful wife seven years later, though girlfriend has gone by the wayside. Frankly, neither Spouse not I has been with anyone else in a couple of years, but if that perfect person came along….

    The (im)moral of the story? It’s not cheating if you’re both cool with it and both matured beyond jealousy and possessiveness.

    • Alex Nester says:

      Thank you, thank you, thankyou what a relief to hear there are my kind of people out there somewhere. You and your wife sound like VERY smart people. I think the pressure we put on each other as partners is beyond crazy. Most people can’t be everything they need to be for ourselves. How can we when we are always changing and learning. So how on earth can we expect that of someone we love.

  8. Hey, Michael snuck in quite a Humble Brag there. Hilarious. But I agree with not being so possesive and jealous if at all possible, it’s very counter productive.

  9. Wait what?

    If an actress and you had sex, she’d be happy, and that’s why you don’t cheat?

    THAT IS CALLED CHEATING.

  10. Michael Taylor I coudln’t have said it better myself.

    I’m so impressed with how much intelligence you show. If you want an amazing loving fulfilling relationship with a woman – it start with you. You’ve got to address your Inner Game if you want Outer Game.

    “I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.”

    “Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. ……..Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.”

  11. It all come down to integrity. I was cheated on twice by my first wife and can tell you it is an emotional merry-go-round that truly sucks. My current wife has so much integrity that I never worry about “us”, we both want our three adult children to believe effort and integrity will serve them well both personally and professionally, throughout their lives.
    I would never dream of deceiving my wife, and especially in that way…when I said “I do” I meant it.
    Love, honor and cherish one another!

  12. Ah man. My husband loves me. He has the steak at home. He wants to be a great guy and he is a great father. But he still cheated.This issue is so immensely more complicated than 31 ‘reasons’ that are mainly just a little insulting to those of us whose self-esteem has been blown apart.

    • I agree totally…I was blown away when my husband cheated on me 5 years ago…it tears you down but I loved him, chose to stay with him…we have 3 kids and I love him…believe me, I have my days…he never gave me a real reason why ,the hurt you feel is unbelievable ,the betrayal on every level, the humiliation..men just don’t see it as devastational until YOU say enough, you cant handle it,its been hard to trust again BUT he knows I forgave once but NEVER again…..men are like kids sometimes/they think they have no accountability for their actions, they somehow become the victims…their excuses…they feel left out/not enough attention etc…..I say SUCK IT UP!!! I did everything I could for my hubby …he was just selfish,not thinking of me, the kids and the actual outcome of an affair….what he doesn’t understand about the affair…it has belittled me and made me even to this day second-guess everything about myself

    • I’m a little bit puzzled as to how the reasons these men provided for why they DON’T cheat are insulting to women who have been cheated on. In fact, the only thing it seems to say regarding women who have been cheated on, is that they don’t deserve the pain and suffering that was caused to them, and many men have the integrity not to do that to a partner they care about. If anything, wouldn’t this be insulting to your husband, who clearly did not have that integrity and, I might add, most likely has some issues he needs to work through before he can be a truly great partner who doesn’t tear down your self-esteem?

      Perhaps the correlary of this is that you seem to have come into this article perceiving it as “31 things a woman can do to prevent a man from cheating,” when it isn’t that at all; it isn’t your responsibility to make sure he doesn’t cheat. It isn’t your responsibility to make himself into your steak. It isn’t your fault or your failing if he doesn’t live up to being the partner you deserve.

      So to a large degree, I do think this article is important, if a little silly, because it establishes the voices of men who would not do what would harm their spouses, who truly strive to be the best people they can be, and don’t let themselves get away with having no control over themselves. It establishes the tone that men who cheat are not just a disappointment to their SOs and families; they have failed to live up to what a man ought to be. Not as an unattainable goal, but as a basic adherence to real standards of self.

  13. Michelle says:

    I think men shouldn’t cheat of they don’t want to hurt their partner. If they cheat, then they should let her cheat too. If a man is getting some on the side, then she should indulge too. If he wants variety, what makes men think women don’t want that as as well? We do, but we respect our partners enough not to ACT on our desires.

    • If it’s an honest agreement, it’s not cheating. It’s a form of polyamory. My wife and I both have sexual partners on the side. It’s not a secret, neither of us our trying to hide it. It’s empowering for both of us, and nobody gets hurt. Naturally, jealousy crops up at times, and we deal with it together. So once again, it’s not cheating unless it’s dishonest and secretive.

  14. Humans are not meant to be monogamous for long periods; we started out in foraging, egalitarian communities where everything was shared and adults had ongoing multiple sexual partnerships. People are possessive these days because they have STUFF and that translates to “Mine! Mine! Mine!” and those feelings lead to disappointment in an ideal that is VERY hard to maintain. We are a self-punishing society instead of an “understanding of humanity” society.
    I wonder what the role of evolution has in our current levels of oxytocin and “pair bonding”?

    • Michelle says:

      There’s no proof that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. I think it’s male propaganda. If there ever was multiple partners, it was because women were bullied into allowing like
      Men still try to push today. If men want to compare their sexual exploits to animals then why don’t they also eat their young and the mothers after birth when it exits her vagina.

      • You should check out the book “Sex at Dawn” — sums a lot of actual scientific evidence (not propaganda) for the non-monogamous nature of humans. My wife and I are two examples — we both have multiple sexual partners because that is the way we are. There is no coercion or bullying involved, just openness and honesty.

        Also, humans *are* animals. But we are not at all like the animals that eat their young. We are also not like the animals that lay eggs, or the animals that are cold-blooded. And I would argue that we are also unlike most species of birds — because birds are usually monogamous (also they have wings and fly). Just because humans are animals doesn’t mean we should act like *all* animals. Few animal species are similar to us, and even those that have some similarities are very different. Our social structure is most similar to that of bonobos but even then any comparison would have to be taken with a grain of salt, because obviously humans and bonobos have a lot of differences too.

      • Michelle you state: There’s no proof that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous. It’s called historical anthropological research and documentation. Reading can be a great pastime AND you can learn (and then intelligently question) new things!

        • Michelle says:

          Human anthropological studies show that we’ve evolved overtime and just because people did this based on long periods of time ago, we also made clay pots and used rocks to cut our food. This just shows that we were more barbaric and as time has gone on we have become more intelligent in our choices. Just because men are more selfish sexually than women are, doesn’t mean that they have to have an array of multiple partners. No where does not say that this was required. If that’s the case women should be allowed the same, but that’s not how it’s been -men have oppressed women and they enjoyed the many sexual partners and women were not afforded the same right. No, women were forced by childcare to sit home-No it’s not right and I say stop The abuse now.

          • Actually, Michelle, there are quite a few studies out there that indicate that women are physically MORE selfish than men, desiring more variety, and physically often more easily aroused, but as you say we’ve been oppressed for so long than many of us have internalized the “meek sexuality” message, and indicate that some evolutionary psychologists have not been truly scientific about their investigations, letting their gender bias infiltrate their work.

            • Michelle says:

              Hi Risa,
              Great insight, you have me thinking. I tend to agree with you; however, I wonder how many of these studies are false in that they are funded by ‘special interest groups’ such as: pornography corporations, bordellos or by people who make the big money off of cheating websites for males. Capitalizing on male sex drives and ego is a billion-dollar industry Not to be meddled with… I’ve seen the corruption go so far as supporting pedophiles in court judgments it appears that males will protect their sexual preferences like crazy. I don’t know the answer to this however. Lately, I’ve been looking into some of the medical bias in some of the studies at prestigious schools like Harvard and Yale and found that many are being funded by large pharmaceutical corporations Which is obviously a conflict of interest for the people -but they don’t know this part -The conflict of interest propagates the industry But so far there are no checks and balances against this kind of thing . So part of me wonders what kind of special interest influence these studies Are being supported with especially since they appear diametrically opposite of what you ‘see’ in society. Any true thinker would question some of their results. It just appears to be more propaganda to keep women in their place allowing men to continue spending their money on their sex elsewhere.

            • Michelle says:

              Men are being duped – they Think this benefits them-Business is just stealing their hard earned money , wife and kids by appealing to their sex drives and ego.

          • wellokaythen says:

            No real anthropologist worthy of mention uses wording like “barbaric” or “now more intelligent in our choices.” Very few professional anthropologists believe in evolution as a steady march of improvement or humans becoming smarter. Stone tools do have some great advantages over metal ones, as we may all discover when our delicate “civilizations” come crashing down around us. Look at the state of the world today. Are we modern people actually making SMARTER choices?

      • Michelle, how is it male propaganda? Women have just as many sexual desires as men (unless they’ve been conditioned otherwise), at least I do.

      • Needs more salt.

    • I’ve never bought this “Humans are not meant to be monogamous for long periods” theory. Any theory that tries to make broad generalizations about human sexuality (when it is so varied) is bound to be untrue a huge chunk of the time. Because sexuality is influenced by so many factors, I think it’s more honest to say that some people are more wired to be monogamous while others are more wired to be polygamous.

      • wellokaythen says:

        Exactly.

        And, I don’t see how anything that humans do could ever be “unnatural.” Looked at in the aggregate, humans obviously have the biological ability to be monogamous or polyamorous (or even celibate). The most we could ever say is that humans “lean towards being ___.” Humans have managed to practice all these things for millennia, so how would we really prove that one was natural and one was unnatural?

        I don’t see why we have to categorize Homo sapiens as only one or the other. Only naturally monogamous or naturally polygamous. Seems to me that humans have tendencies towards both.

        As it turns out, even animals that supposedly “mate for life” are often more promiscuous than previously thought. Swans are famous for being extremely exclusive, extremely monogamous, but DNA tests have shown that about 25% of swans are conceived outside the “exclusive” mating pair. To me that sounds like swans are mostly monogamous with occasional polyamory, not only one or the other.

        • wellokaythen says:

          Debating whether humans are naturally monogamous or polyamorous is like asking, “Are ducks supposed to fly, or are ducks supposed to swim?”

          Why can’t BOTH be natural?

        • No, that is because most males of most species systematically rape females. So they have babies of males they did not agree to have sex with. Just like the human males, you know.

    • Jamie Parsons says:

      That is a load of crap. If we weren’t meant to be monogamous then how come every damn society on earth evolved to include monogamous relationships? Often to the point of being so dominant that marriage is the norm? In different societies on opposite sides of the world?
      Some people are meant to be monogamous, some aren’t. So what. If someone has self-control, respect and a deep love for their partner, they can be monogamous their whole lives, just like my parents have been, and my grandparents, and my great-grandparents.

      • “If we weren’t meant to be monogamous then how come every damn society on earth evolved to include monogamous relationships?”

        Not all societies on Erth “evolved” to impose monogamous relationships. We have much of it because of hierarchy (mostly Patriarchy) and the Church.

  15. The Spe@cker says:

    Honestly why do guys think of cheating on women, i know a woman that i love to much to cheat on and the thought of cheating would never go through my mind. She is honestly everything i could ever ask for. If guys could only think into a mind of a girl and think of what the thought of cheating will do to a girl, Firstly it would damage their trust and influence in all men as they would feel as if they could lose trust in a man again because they would feel as if everytime they go into a relationship that the man will just be disloyal and cheat on her again. Secondly that most men also even say that they have all they could have asked for as in they have the perfect woman, the family and everything else they wanted by they still have to go along and cheat. what must go through mens minds when they even think about doing that kind of thing to there loved ones, because they must think about what they already have and what they are going to lose because of the stupid move that they are about to go and do. Also it wont just damage their trust and influence in men, it will also play with their heads as when they do feel as if they have fallen in love with the perfect guy again, every time that the man isnt around she will still sit there and worry about what there man is up to and it will make her go crazy and it will make her feel as if though every guy she is going to meet is going to do the same over and over again. That is one thing i can definately say and that i will never cheat on a woman as i firstly am not cold hearted and selfish, secondly couldnt even think of what i will do to the girl. Thirdly, that i love her to much to even think about
    doing that kind of thing.

    • wellokaythen says:

      I wouldn’t take responsibility for the way that a woman feels about all other men in her future. (Unless she’s essentially still a child, but I wouldn’t be with a child in the first place.) Not cheating because you don’t want to hurt a woman’s faith in men is a pretty slender reason, to my mind. That’s taking on a little too much responsibility.

      • More about awareness and empathy than responsibility there. We know some people do feel crushed when cheated on… why just never do that to them? That is kind.

  16. Gr8day2u2002 says:

    It makes me sad that not one person said that the reason they don’t cheat is because they don’t want to. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but do all people really want to cheat but don’t because of potential consequences?

  17. Jim Charlotte says:

    I’m lazy. It would take way more work than it is worth. I’m so busy I don’t have time to keep up with my wife, let alone somebody else. And there’s all the crap you have to go through to get them in the sack – the flirting and dinners and gifts. One woman is expensive enough. I just don’t get the guys who cheat – they need to get a hobby or something.

  18. Peter North says:

    Men are as faithful as their options, so too are women (albeit usually with more restraint). Most of the reasons listed can be countered with this….
    Are perfect 10’s that are better than your wife/gf throwing themselves at you constantly day in and day out? No, because you are probably a boring, fat, unattractive guy who just feels lucky to have found a woman who wants to spend time with you. It is easy to say “I would never cheat” on your high horse when you have never been pressured to do so. It is easy to critized professional athletes who cheat, but somewhat unfair as well. Imagine for a moment you are a rock star, celebrity, athele of international fame. Imagine that you could have every woman you wanted. You know that every woman you see would beg to fuck you. The hottest most perfect women in the world throw themselves at your feet multiple times a day.
    Really, do you still say it is easy not to cheat then? Especially when you know you wont be caught and you know it is just emotionless sex that means nothing and wont impact your relationship with your wife (provided she does not find out about it) Sure you may have a slight sting of guilt but that will fade.

    Now let’s move beyond sex. What if you met a woman who was better looking, more intelligent, funnier, charming and an over all better person than your wife and she liked you? On every measurable scale this new woman is far better than your current one. And say that in some perfect world you know for certain that this is all true and perfect. Do you still say I won’t cheat? If you do you are ignoring your innate survival instincts and are illogical. You are wiilling choosing less for yourself and future.

    Cheating isn’t right and I do not condone it but it’s not so black and white either. I hope my comments provoke some thought. Peace.

    • Matties Mya says:

      If you met someone who was better in everyway, why stay with your current partner? It’s the deception that is uncalled for. Same thing with the most “perfect women throwing themselves”; why be in a committed relationship? Simple; avoid the deception and live openly. I think that’s why “open” marriages work the way they do-it’s not deceptive, because the other knows about it.

  19. Great article and great answers as to why men don’t cheat, but most this is really over complicated. Men cheat because they want to—no other reason. I don’t cheat because I don’t want to. No other reason. Loving my wife and my family (and myself for that matter) all have nothing to do with my fidelity.

  20. Whilst I agree about what the article says in regards to dishonesty (cheating) I don’t think there should be a negative connotation to honest promiscuity (open marriages). I’d love to marry a woman who enjoyed been with other people and was accepting of the same in me. I can appreciate that view can be difficult for some to understand but for those of us (Man or woman, gas or straight) who are so inclined as to their asexual preferences of open and honest promiscuity they should never feel ashamed of that

  21. Simple, as with all other things: it is the right thing to do. Don’t be a slave to your feelings and emotions, do what is morally right and find and fight for the freedom to do so. And yes, I believe right and wrong exists. Honour God, honour your wife and also yourself.

  22. Cheating is lying! It is a simple betrayal of values you agreed on as a couple. There is no shortcut around it. I fully respect couples who decide together to open the relationship – either at the beginning or later in the relationship. But most of the people who do decide to cheat are doing that behind their partners back and this is a CONSCIOUS decision to hurt them. Most of the men who cheat hate the idea that their woman would do the same to them – and that’s just a pure double standard and cowardliness. I can’t respect a man/a person like that.

    I understand there can be many reasons why people decide to cheat. If there are some problems or unfulfilled needs – open your mouth and speak about them. I understand it can be a very difficult conversation for many but do it!

    It’s stupid to have this debate any longer…that women are not attracted to other men the same way men are to other women. We are! Oh trust me we are! Also more men these days how to please a woman sexually which was not the case in the past and more and more woman enjoy having sex without attachments. It’s hard for many men to change this mindset as they like the excuse “we are biologically wired to want more variety”. This is bullshit! The society conditioned us to think this way and most of the men would like women to believe that and have an escape route.

    I want to be in a monogamous relationship. But if one day, after many years of marriage I felt like I want a bit more variety, I am definitely going to have a conversation with my husband. And that’s what I asked him to do as well.

  23. There are eight million stories in the naked city. And people violate their own ego ideals many times, in many ways, throughout their lifetimes.

    For example, most people like to think that they are totally honest. But psychological studies find people lie ALL THE TIME – like every single day all the time.

    “Honey, does my butt look fat in these jeans?”. The correct answer is, “No, sweetheart – your butt looks adorable”.

    Most people like to think that they are independent minded, and are not swayed by the pressure of the crowd, or external authority. If you think that’s you, google STANLEY MILGRIM for a truly horrifying look at the human condition.

    And its the same thing here. We are all a mass of contradictory thoughts, feelings, desires. We are all dealing with tremendous amount of inner shadow. We all have a beast inside of us – Freud called it the libido – the part of us that is all about reptilian sex and aggression. We layer over that stuff with the veneer of the socialization of civilization – but it doesn’t take all that much for the veneer to get stripped away, really.

    We like to think we’re better than that – but really, are we? Are you?

    So while it’s very nice to say you won’t ever cheat because you have INTEGRITY – look deep inside and you’ll actually get to see just how deep and true your integrity runs. While it’s very nice to say you won’t ever cheat because you love your spouse and you’ve made a commitment – you really don’t know what kind of person you’ll be if your marriage goes south and you find yourself HATING your spouse rather than loving him or her.

    We’ve got so much statistical proof of the frailty and fallibility of people who have said – in all sincerity at the moment – “I DO”, that we really have very little basis to trust in someone’s statements about why he (or she) won’t ever go outside the marriage for sex and/or romantic affection. The current stats are 50% of men and 40% of women will cheat at least once during a marriage.

    So half of those respondents are lying – or at least delusional.

    Dan Savage has written how gay culture is different than straight culture here. Gay men (he says) don’t put this sort of ego-ideal burden on themselves or their partners the way straight men and women do. It’s normative (he says) for gay couples to be “monogamish” rather than monogamous.

    And, it seems to me, that slowly but surely that “monogamish” meme is seeping into straight culture as well. It’s certainly normative enough in European countries. We’re laggards (as usual) because of our strong puritan heritage, among other things.

    And at the same time, if Bill Clinton could, he STILL be president. Old Bubba, with his famous life-long wandering eye – and JFK – and FDR – certainly three of the most popular presidents of the last hundred years.

    Americans are funny people.

    • I think the numbers are skewed. I believe after living over 60 years that more women cheat on their men than what is stated. Having known women that have cheated but will never admit it and knowing most men will admit it to other men…. So all you youngsters with high ideals about your integrity and honor, you may think you are above this, and I hope you are, but reality plays out differently over the years. I was married twice. Both wives cheated on me. I remained honorable and full of integrity until affection and caring were lacking from my wife. The right situation at the right time and….. what do you know…. mr. honorable and integrity had a weak moment at the wrong time and cheated. Do not be so full of yourself that you think you are above being weak.

    • “Gay men (he says) don’t put this sort of ego-ideal burden on themselves or their partners the way straight men and women do. It’s normative (he says) for gay couples to be “monogamish” rather than monogamous.”
      Not true. Less gay men kill their partners when being cheated on in comparison to straight men killing cheating wives? True. Less drama and violence? Also true. But most gay men still want a monogamic relationship and feel deeply about cheating.

      “And, it seems to me, that slowly but surely that “monogamish” meme is seeping into straight culture as well. It’s certainly normative enough in European countries.”
      Clearly, you are NOT from any European country. It isn’t normative enough at all, not even in Sweden.

  24. wellokaythen says:

    My long answer to the question:

    It’s not as simple as “cheating is selfish and fidelity is unselfish.”

    I have *selfish* reasons for not cheating. I don’t want that kind of life, where I have half a relationship here and half a relationship there and have to live a split existence full of lies. I don’t want a life where I have to keep track of more and more lies and live in fear of getting discovered. I don’t want to live a life dominated by a fear of saying the wrong thing. Telling a lie is like a little piece of death, or a little piece of myself that I’ve chipped away. Life is too short and too precious to live out a falsehood.

    Honestly, for me it’s not so much about guilt or empathy as much as it is about the kind of life I want for myself. I’d rather not bring all that sh*t and misery into my world.

  25. On this topic: a beautiful poem my husband wrote me a few years ago. He has been committed to me for over 30 years. We met in college.

    (To My Beloved)
    May I remember to always see you in the highest.
    Even in the most mundane of moments. May I see you with wonder.
    May I listen to you and really hear everything that you say.
    Everytime you feel the trembling of fear, may I help you find the courage to stand tall in your light.
    May we continue to source our love in the Divine so that as we grow individually, as does our relationship.
    May we be constant and accepting of our differences and see that out own gifts are the offering we make to each other.
    May we balance our commitment with the spark of fire that keeps the electricity and desire flaming.
    May we hold to our own truths and yet feel our Light in union through the Divine Feminine and Divine Masculine merged – ever growing, ever changing and filled with the promise of more.

  26. vernon nielsen says:

    I dont cheat because if would screw up the sexual energy. I am very empathic so monogamy allows me a depth of spiritual contact you dont get with having multiple partners. What that does to sex is mindblowing.

  27. wellokaythen says:

    So far this conversation has been about the choice between 1) being faithful and exclusive with your partner and 2) cheating on your partner with someone else.

    A few people have offered up a third option:
    3) opening up your relationship to something non-exclusive.

    Let’s not forget the other main option, which is
    4) honestly and respectfully breaking up with your current partner. For some men, the choice is not between cheating or staying, it’s between cheating and leaving. You can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with anymore. Sometimes that’s what integrity really means — doing the responsible thing first before you get into a relationship with someone else. What I doubt anyone would say online is, “I won’t cheat, because the right thing to do is to break up before that happens.”

    • The unfortunate part is I know more women who decided to not break it off with their significant other and stray from the relationship than I know men. I know the premise behind this article because it is debunking the myth that all men are just looking to spread their seed and that they have no evolved past being cave men. But in a world where I question my girlfriends who start full on other relationships, not just affairs while already with someone, it goes way beyond gender.

      I stand by the notion that if you are unhappy you end it, then you find someone else. Never be looking for something on the side while you still have a commitment to another.

  28. I don’t cheat because I’m too damn Lazy !

  29. Is the issue about relationships only about cheating? There are far worse things in a relationship than cheating. For one, there’s physical abuse. Another would be emotional abuse. The latter being far more potent than being cheated on.

  30. So much of the argument is based on shoulds and should nots.
    The reality is however vastly different and makes it impossible to support ‘cheating’ one way or another.

    What this really all boils down to is, what are the expectations that you set for your partner. At the heart of it all, people choose to do things because they made a quick (albeit too quick at times) judgment that the immediate gratification is more rewarding than the consequence of the action.

    Faithful wives cheat, faithful husbands cheat. Love isn’t just about expecting your partner to be faithful. Love is also embracing the fact that he/she might not be. Because you don’t just ‘love’ a person cause he values only you and you alone. Its a all or nothing game. But we can’t do this because we’re creatures who like to possess property exclusively.

    There isn’t a case to justify why men should cheat or should not cheat. I think what people need to work on is to develop the understanding that love is meant to embrace all things in your partner, everything good and ugly.

    I don’t support cheating, but I don’t know if I will/would. What I know is that if my spouse cheats on me, I’d also understand that its in her nature, and I either accept it and love her as she is or reject and it and call it quits.

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