With the news of late full of General Petraeus and other men who’ve had affairs, there’s a lot of talk about what makes men cheat.
Pat Robertson said, “I mean, he’s a man”, and the world seems to agree: Men cheat because they’re men.
But wait a minute… We here at The Good Men Project know a lot of guys who don’t cheat—guys who are committed to being faithful to their partners. And knowing all these good guys, we certainly do not support the notion that masculinity=infidelity.
And so, as a response to The Huffington Post’s “Why Do Men Cheat: 26 Reasons Guys Cheat, According to Men“, we offer you 31 reasons men do NOT cheat, from men and those who love them.
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First, GMP founder Tom Matlack explains why he doesn’t cheat:
I honestly think my wife is the most beautiful woman on the planet.
From Todd Mauldin, writer and Bluesman:
I don’t cheat for 3 reasons:
1. I really, really love my wife.
2. I respect myself too much to break my vows.
3. Cheating looks like way too much goddamn work.David and Shanel – Jan Garcia Photography, Los Angeles
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And here’s what we learned from our Twitter followers:
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SPC. Brian Nieves, and his wife Erin. Brian is currently serving in Afghanistan.
And our Marriage Editor, Gint Aras offers us a number of reasons why:
1.) My wife doesn’t give me any reason. I have no interest in cheating on her. Whatever problem I might have, I’m aware, would only become worse, as I grew up in a house of infidelity.
My wife is not sexually possessive of me in the least. I have told her many of my sex fantasies, even the most idiotic ones. If Eva Green or Scarlett Johanson seduced me, enamored simply because of my looks or charm, demanded a one night stand of no-strings-attached sex in some swank hotel, the first person I would tell afterwards would be my wife. She would almost certainly celebrate this crazy experience and demand to know all the details. It would probably make her horny, and we’d have the best sex of our marriage. She’d announce it on Facebook, “Gint laid Scarlett!” No one would believe her. Scarlett would deny it.
(Scarlett and/or Eva, if you happen across this article and get turned on, please e-mail me. Discretion guaranteed.)
2.) My father cheated on my mother and I don’t want to “become him”. I have children of my own now. I know what damage it does to a kid’s self-esteem. It’s an act of extreme selfishness and disregard for a child’s need for security and trust.
3.) Here’s a shocker. I love my wife enormously. I worry about her daily. My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs. I want my wife to have time to develop her musical career, and I don’t want her to feel that her primary role in the marriage is to fuss and fret over my every need, whatever it is. She gave birth to my children, and she does an amazing job raising them. Our little boy is still an infant, and the late nights exhaust her. The best gift I can often give is time for her to rest, and I feel I never give her enough.
4.) Let’s pretend I got so horny that I couldn’t handle it anymore and, rejected for the thousandth time by my wife, I found myself wanting a sex partner. Where the hell would I find one? I have two children and work daily. During my free time, I scramble to get writing done. What should I do? Ask women at work if they’re interested in an affair? That’s an inevitable cycle of rejections, and I get enough of that from querying agents and editors.
Even if the solution were an AdultFriendFinder account, I’d have no time to meet with this Adult Friend. And if I did meet with her, I’d probably be too exhausted for anything besides a quickie. Also, I would demand a clean bill of health, very recent notes from at least two doctors. Quite frankly, a Fleshlight is more attractive than this.
5.) I don’t find it empowering. Unless you find a married woman who must also hide the affair from her husband, you give away enormous leverage. A single woman, as we see again and again, can blackmail a married man, and if she has anything to gain financially, she’d be a fool not to. Now…a married woman who wants an affair? Really? With me? What a wackjob.
From Blogger and GMP contributor Atalwin Pilon:
I thought I did not cheat because it was the honorable thing to do but I learned that the other side is also true: I fear being a jerk, I fear losing love, I fear the shame and I fear the guilt. I used to think that my faithfulness was a cool thing but I now sometimes think that my inability to cheat is a weakness. I want to be faithful out of love, not because I simply dont have the courage to pick the forbidden fruit. But working on it.
Rip Wallace says:
Because it is the right thing to do. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and when I truly love someone their pain is my pain. I do not want to cause them any pain.
Shawn Peters adds:
I don’t cheat because even on the worst days, when our connection feels frayed and our rhythms are off and everything we say is abrasive and misconstrued, I know that even if there are some things I wish I could change… cheating would change everything, and that’s not what I want.
And finally, some wisdom from Michael Taylor:
The media generated perception is that men are incapable of being monogamous. The truth is that all men are capable of monogamy if they choose.
I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.
Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. Our relationship is perfect as a result of it’s imperfections and I love the emotional security that comes from knowing that my wife is deeply devoted to me and our marriage.
In answer to the question “why I don’t cheat” it’s really simple, I authentically love my wife and have developed a partnership that fulfills me in every way imaginable.
Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.
About The Good Feed Blog Editors
If the men with these Twitter messages are a random sample, then odds are that about half of them have already had an affair or will have one in the future.
You can never say for sure that you will never cheat, because you can’t predict everything about the future. People are incredibly bad at predicting how they will feel in the future, even when it comes to things they feel strongly about right now. You can give the reasons why you’ve never cheated, or the reasons why you probably won’t cheat, but you can’t give reasons why you never will. You can commit right now to never cheating, and keep focused on that commitment. The only 100% airtight guarantee against cheating on your wife is to divorce her, open up your marriage, or have one of you die.
And, I can’t help but notice that these are sentiments expressed on Twitter, of all things. You know, that social network thing where everyone you know, including your wife, reads what you’ve written. So, perhaps these messages are meant primarily for their wives’ consumption. If I had a Twitter account and wanted to say something about infidelity, I would make damn sure I said all the right things. I’m not going to write, “Wow, that’s one hot biographer. How do I get one?”
I’m happy for the men who are not attracted to any women except their wives. They are very fortunate, in many ways. But, that’s not really something to take pride in. You can hardly take credit for willpower or conscience or having a strong moral compass if you’ve never been tempted in the first place. You’re just wired in a certain way that you have no control over. It’s like taking credit for never getting drunk, when you hate the taste of alcohol anyway. I’m not sure what the advice would be to those men who are attracted to other women – just stop being attracted to other women? Just make yourself stop it?
I certainly don’t think these men are a random sample, because most likely if they were cheating, they wouldn’t have responded.
Cheating is a crazy thing. Someone here earlier mentioned that no one (or most non-sociopaths, probably) think “I’m going to cheat. I’m just the cheater type.” Instead, people make mistakes that are caused by a a whole huge number of factors in their lives – the way they were raised, issues with substances, addictions to things like affirmation or sex, problems in their marriages, issues with communication, changes in their sex lives, changes in life in general… And, sometimes people just fall in love with someone they shouldn’t.
Love is an overwhelming and overpowering emotion. Lust is almost as powerful. When you have both, bad things happen easily and quickly and logic goes out the window, and you start to compartmentalize the two different “loves” and it quickly can become a disaster.
I think realistically, we’ll be tempted in life. Sometimes excruciatingly so. Sometimes we have to see the temptations as signs we’re not really ready to be fully-committed partners. But we have to recognize that for many people, temptation is real and they need to change their lives so that the temptation doesn’t lead them to make a choice that will damage everyone in the end.
Ultimately, to me, a guy (or woman) who has an affair is not a “bad guy” – he’s just a guy who made a mistake. Some mistakes are hugely scorned by society (like cheating) and some aren’t. The measure of the person, I think, is the work he or she does to make amends, take responsibility, and work to make internal changes to no longer make the same mistakes.
I think the good thing about the quotes above is that part of being faithful is having a deep understanding of why it would be bad. Not just for the wife or the marriage, but also for the emotional health of the cheater.
As you asked above, what do you do when you’re attracted to the other person? I think you see the attraction, recognize that it’s very real and can be very powerful. Try not to put too much emphasis on it, don’t fantasize if you can avoid it (I think that feeds the attraction and makes it grow bigger) and realize that attraction is normal, but you have complete control over your choices. Let the attraction be there, then watch it lessen and eventually pass. As Hugo said once, one of my favorite things he’s ever said, is that Americans tend to think attraction and desire are like tidal waves – they can wash away everything else because they’re so powerful. But they’re only powerful if you let them be.
Ultimately, if the attraction is that powerful that you can’t resist it, it’s time to see a therapist, make a change (so as to not see the attractive person that often), or leave the primary relationship. Though frankly, the people whom I know who leave a primary relationship for the person they’re attracted to are rarely happy in the end.
I think we generally agree about cheating and what to do about temptation. Everything you’ve said I’ve learned the hard way. I wish I had known all of it earlier. This is a much more realistic and concrete response than anyone can give in less than 140 characters.
When people moralize about adultery or say they know they would never ever do such a despicable thing, they aren’t really helping anyone at all, least of all themselves. And, really, they may not be prepared to put temptation into perspective when they do feel it.
As for unfaithful men saying those things on Twitter: I told a lot of lies during my brief affair. I was very moralistic about other people’s behavior, partly to compensate for my own immoral behavior, and partly to maintain the lie that I was living. I have no doubt if I had a Twitter account at the time I would have pretended to be the dutiful, loyal husband. It’s like those adamantly anti-gay evangelists who are outspoken against gay rights because they’re closet cases themselves.
Maybe I just have a wounded soul, but I just don’t believe in those relationships where one person says that the other is “perfect for me.” I roll my eyes at comments like those of Michael Taylor quoted in the article. I know that people feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is on solid ground.
Thinking the other is a perfect match for you and that you are both fused together seamlessly into one true whole? That’s just living an illusion. It can last for a very long time, but at some point you both have to face the fact that you’re human and that no one actually completes anyone else. In a whole lot of cases, one of the two spouses feels that fusing while the other doesn’t, or one wants it and the other doesn’t.
The unrealistic fairy tale illusions about married love are some of the same delusional thinking that also drives affairs. The third person can become idealized just like any “lived happily ever after” mate. The person on the side maybe looks like your “soulmate” or “the one who really gets me,” when that’s an illusion as well. In some affairs, people turn away from a spouse because the spouse doesn’t meet the warped ideal of perfection and then turn to someone who on the surface seems to be perfect but really isn’t perfect either. Meanwhile, looking for the perfect person is a fundamental problem in the first place.
There is no Prince Charming, neither inside your marriage nor outside.
@wellokaythen, I truly empathized with your comment and felt compelled to reply. Like yourself I used to believe that people who claimed to have “perfect” relationships were full of it. A lot of it had to do with some bitterness as a result of a divorce and a lot of it had to do with my own inability to have that type of experience.
After being single for approximately five years I decided that I really did want to remarry and I made a commitment to understanding what it was about me that was causing my relationships to fail. As a result of going on my own inner journey, I discovered all of my “issues” that were keeping me from truly connecting with women.
Fifteen years after my divorce and after some intense emotional and psychological cleansing I was ready to make the commitment of marriage. Fortunately for me I knew exactly what I was looking for in a woman and I found a woman with the same qualities and values that I cherish and we’ve been happily married for more than 10 years.
Which brings me to this specific point: it is absolutely possible for two people to create a relationship in which two people recognize that they are perfect for each other. This does not mean that it is some sort of “New Age Soul Mate” relationship in which two people are fused together (your words), it simply means that two people come together with the same respect, qualities and values and they commit to being there for each other.
The fact is, relationships are challenging, frustrating, messy and at times extremely difficult, at the same time relationships can and should be loving, fulfilling, caring and connected. When I mentioned that my relationship is perfect in it’s imperfections this is what I meant. There are always going to be challenges in relationships but if you find two people who are absolutely committed to the same thing in relationships they can be the source of infinite joy.
The key is to first and foremost develop a relationship with yourself and feel complete and whole and then find that special someone to share your completeness with. If you do this there will never be a need to go outside of the relationship for sex or anything else.
Don’t give up on love! It’s available to you if you will open your mind and heart to it. Good Luck!
What a relief to read, especially after I just heard an interview on Power 105′s The Breakfast Club with Charlamagne Tha God, who repeatedly says polygamy should be legal and is ALWAYS asking guests the same. Blew my mind when The Game, who has a reality show coming about getting married, said he thinks it would be easier if women just expected for men to cheat. Talk about the lowest of the low standards. And every guy who cheats is forever talking about how he wouldn’t stay around if his woman cheated on him. The epitome of hypocrisy. To fellas who don’t cheat, I commend you. For those who do, stick to dating and stop wasting these women’s time. I’ve yet to catch anyone cheating on me, but my gawd, I really do think I’d flip out if I did. There’s no reason to just waste someone’s time and hurt their hearts in that way.
As a woman, I hear so much about how men don’t want to be monogamous, or how it’s not even natural for a man to be monogamous, at times I despair. I know it’s not easy being monogamous for either gender: men and women both fall in love or lust outside of marriage and then they are in the grip of a riptide many aren’t equipped to swim out of. (Although I certainly have wanted to ask a few of those guys who say that monogamy isn’t natural for a man if he would feel equally understanding if he learned his wife was fooling around.) I just have to say, a story like this is balm. If polyamory works for you in your relationship, good on you, but it’s really a comfort to hear at least once that there are men for whom monogamy remains a goal. Thanks.
There are many reasons why I don’t cheat.
1. I stood before my friends, family, God, and my wife and made a vow to her. I took the vow seriously.
2. I love my wife and hate seeing her upset.
3. My wife is beautiful.
4. It is my job as a parent to teach my children how to respect women. Cheating would be very disrespectful.
5. I want my son to be faithful to his spouse someday. I’m an example.
6. I want my daughter to be faithful to her spouse someday. I’m an example.
7. The guilt would kill me.
8. I’ve got a great life and I don’t want it to change.
You’re just saying this to make comment of the day!
Hello, devil’s advocate here,
cheating is deplorable and selfish and all that, and the bottom line is if you do it, it shows you are selfish and flawed in character.
HOWEVER, many people make the choice not to be monogamous and have open relationships (where everyone knows it’s an open relationship, not just the one person). And the response form society, judgement (I’m talking to you Dr Phil).
I don’t want to be in an open relationship myself, but I don’t care if anyone else wants to, just like many other life choices I don’t make.
What I got from Gint Aras’ excerpt was that his wife would celebrate his extramarital sex if he did it with someone famous. Well, that’s one way to prevent cheating — define cheating as not cheating at all, and voila, the affair-proof marriage.
As a man, admittedly a young man not quite finished with his first quarter century, I’m happy to say I’ve never cheated, and it’s fairly easy to state why: If you find yourself in a position where your genitals have more say than your brain then you are one or more of the following:
A) Weak willed
B)Inebriated/intoxicated in some way-again weak willed and ignorant of your limits with the intoxicant of the moment
C)Not committed and therefore not in love with your partner
If A is your problem; then tbh there’s nothing that can be done for you until you grow a spine
If B is your problem; don’t get smashed off your face in situations where friends that give a damn about you arn’t present- good friends will haul you out of there before you do or say something you’ll regret when the grey dawn of sobriety reaffirms itself
If C is your problem then wtf were you doing in the relationship in the first place? You should have left it at f— buddy status.
To avoid being a cheat you basically just need willpower and, occasionally, the balls to realise that your relationship isn’t working and at that point either the drive to fix it or the spine to bail on it without sticking your hand into another cookie jar first.
You missed: D) An animal whose sole and natural purpose in life is the same as any other animal’s — to reproduce as much as possible before dying.
Yes, but you are forgetting that as humans we have something called reason and free will. We don’t need to let our “instincts” control us.
To those posters/tweeters who think they are immune to cheating because of love or morals or will power, a weird of warning: sometimes life serves you a shit sandwich.
if you ever fall in love with someone you shouldn’t, you might find those cosy notions you credit yourself with are worthless. You cannot know what your future holds and your life may not always be so perfect. If you open your eyes to this now, and drop the “shes my one true soulmate”, you wil find yourself better prepared
I would just like to say thank you, you wonderful men for your 31 reason responses. They were all very touching. I don’t buy into the “men can’t be monogamous and they are inherently unfaithful.”
Your wives are well loved. So am I
My husband cheated but swears he loves me. So that doesn’t fly for me.
I find men charting so hurtful and disrespectful. I, like the men, do not tolerate it even once they are gone. Men get no fee pass just because they are men. As a woman, I am tempted to but do not act on it. I’ve been cheated in three times which makes me hate men who trick women. I will write a book explaining the hidden truths of men’s lowest lives.
Is it still cheating if we got married for economic reasons?
This is absolutely amazing. Thank you for sharing <3
"Men cheat" is a lie my mom told me once… that I believed. It's a lie. It's hard to stop believing it, though, because it feels like, if we stop and then get cheated on, we'll feel like suckers. Well, I think it's better to be a sucker than a cynic.
That's just me though
)
Yes! Thank you!
That lie is at the core of many infidelities.
It’s a burden that men may never recognize and it works both ways. Believing it, a man is compelled and justified by the lie not reality; if a woman believes it she will inadvertently encourage the propagation of such a false responsibility.
It’s through clearing away the lies that a man actually sees himself.
My husband says that he wouldn’t cheat on me for all the sweet reasons, but also because “The sex with anyone else would be a let down, cause I’ve got the best at home.”
I was reading looking to see someone say they so t cheat because they have no desire to. But it seems that the ultimate answer of just not having any desire at all to cheat isn’t what keeps men from cheating. Everyone just makes it sound like they just have self control. I love my husband and have no desire once do ever to cheat on him. I don’t have to be strong or fight off some urge to keep myself from ruining our good home. It’s just that I never think about cheating. That is what I was hoping to find here: that some men just really don’t have to even give a second thought because their heart isn’t interested in anyone else.
“My love for her as a whole human being is greater than my sexual needs.”
I was blown away by this…absolutely beautiful sentiment.
Marriages should not be entered into with anyone believing that it will last “forever” and “…’til death do us part” – that is just unrealistic and a fantasy we are fed from birth.
Marriage is a legal contract and should have terms and a renewal period (every 5 years, let’s say) so that the financial worries, if there is a divorce, are put to rest and everyone knows what to expect if one or the other wants out. Put that in place and you can concentrate on the romance in the relationship in the here and now; the renewal comes up and it’s either, “Time to go, thanks for giving it your best” or “ I do!” for another 5.
And if we were assets to each other before the divorce why not continue to be friends after the fact? Let’s all try to be a little more sophisticated, shall we?
Or maybe everyone could grow the fuck up and let go of their culturally instilled sexual jealousy? Had a girlfriend over, and despite warning her that my wife would be home soon but it was no big deal, had to keep her from sticking to the ceiling like Garfield when said wonderful wife came home, found us curled up under a blanket, then hopped in next to her and said, “Hope you two had fun!”
Yes this happened. No it’s not a Penthouse letter. A Penthouse letter would have ended avec un menage a trois. Girlfriend didnt swing that way. Still with wonderful wife seven years later, though girlfriend has gone by the wayside. Frankly, neither Spouse not I has been with anyone else in a couple of years, but if that perfect person came along….
The (im)moral of the story? It’s not cheating if you’re both cool with it and both matured beyond jealousy and possessiveness.
Thank you, thank you, thankyou what a relief to hear there are my kind of people out there somewhere. You and your wife sound like VERY smart people. I think the pressure we put on each other as partners is beyond crazy. Most people can’t be everything they need to be for ourselves. How can we when we are always changing and learning. So how on earth can we expect that of someone we love.
Hey, Michael snuck in quite a Humble Brag there. Hilarious. But I agree with not being so possesive and jealous if at all possible, it’s very counter productive.
Wait what?
If an actress and you had sex, she’d be happy, and that’s why you don’t cheat?
THAT IS CALLED CHEATING.
Michael Taylor I coudln’t have said it better myself.
I’m so impressed with how much intelligence you show. If you want an amazing loving fulfilling relationship with a woman – it start with you. You’ve got to address your Inner Game if you want Outer Game.
“I choose to be monogamous because I took the time to discover the emotional and psychological issues that kept me from experiencing deep levels of intimacy with a woman. As a result of my “inner work” I am now able to experience deep levels of trust, intimacy and connection with my wife.”
“Nothing is more important to me than sharing my life with the woman who is absolutely perfect for me. ……..Contrary to popular belief I believe most men would like to have a loving, caring, rewarding and fulfilling relationship. Too many men simply aren’t willing to learn how to do so.”