What is it about being alone that is so difficult?
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We had breakfast at a local diner Saturday morning. Deer with huge antlers mounted on the walls. A life-size John Wayne cutout greets you at the door. Chicken fried steak and chocolate gravy the specialities.
You definitely know you are in the South.
I noticed a woman eating by herself. She mostly looked at her iPhone. I concentrated on my eggs and short stack.
A lot of people tell me they could never eat alone.
I remember one of my first efforts. I had just gotten divorced. Wanted to go to my (had been our…) favorite Italian place in Dallas. I knew it would be dark. Convinced myself I would be okay.
I ordered Fettuccine Alfredo, my absolute favorite. It came piping hot. Smelling divine. I reached for the Parmesan cheese and liberally shook it all over the pasta. Dove in for that first rich, mouth-watering bite.
It wasn’t Parmesan. It was sugar.
My being alone paralyzed me. Yes… It also had to do with the incredible sense of failure I was already experiencing. But I think I could have handled it with laughter if someone — anyone — had been sitting next to me.
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Tears filled my eyes. Just how stupid was I. I was mortified. “Had anybody seen?“.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell the waitress so I quietly tried to scrape the stuff off the perfectly-cooked noodles. Unfortunately I had already mixed it together.
I ate sickly sweet pasta that night. Just because I was by myself.
Had I been in the company of others, I would have laughed it off. Ordered another bowl.
My being alone paralyzed me. Yes… It also had to do with the incredible sense of failure I was already experiencing. But I think I could have handled it with laughter if someone — anyone — had been sitting next to me.
What is it about being alone that is so difficult?
1. Fear of non-acceptance.
Widows tell me of their fear of how they will be accepted if arriving somewhere alone. They feel that they might not be welcome. Not only are they dealing with their grief, but somehow tell themselves that appearing solo is not okay. Feels uncomfortable to be the single woman with married couples. It changes the dynamic.
Or even asking to go with someone. “Judy and John don’t want me tagging along“. (I usually challenge this though. Judy and John would likely love the company…)
2. Issues of security.
There is a simple security in having someone. I remember a widow I saw as a patient. Her husband had been dead for quite some time. But it was early winter. She slipped and fell on the front steps. Broke her arm. Without thinking, she automatically called out for him.
She told me it was at that moment an immense loneliness gripped her. Much more painful than her broken arm.
3. Being alone in a partnered world.
I hear about fatigue. You just get tired of it. Being alone in a partnered world. No one to talk with about the game or the party. After everyone has said goodnight.
4. Dealing with self-worth.
What does it mean to not have a partner? Especially if you want a relationship? It’s difficult to come to terms with not necessarily being in control of that. Not letting it affect how you feel about yourself.
My paralysis at the dinner table was due to this. I thought it “said something about me” that I was alone. I was “less” than someone with a dinner companion.
I have long thought that loneliness should be a diagnosis. Like depression. When you experience it, it has an ache that is like no other.
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There are some folks that it doesn’t seem to affect. They appear to do it easily. Maybe those people are more comfortable in their own skins. Maybe they have a “loner” streak. They would not say they are lonely. They have achieved a good balance of being with others and living their own life.
I have long thought that loneliness should be a diagnosis. Like depression. When you experience it, it has an ache that is like no other. Some people avoid it like the plague. Have people around them constantly. Others bear it who want a relationship, but life just hasn’t led to that. Maybe have tried — maybe given up. Maybe just taking a rest.
You can be very lonely within a relationship as well. But it’s different than not having a partner at all.
It is important to be able to value your own company. To be able to watch a sunset, read a book or cook a meal. And enjoy it for what it is just for you.
Please remember those who are living life on their own. Divorced. Widowed. Perhaps have never chosen to be partnered. Or are choosing to live life alone now.
Reassure them they are wanted. Even treasured.
And if it’s you. Know that you are.
You may appreciate that gift yourself one day.
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Originally published at Huffington Post and is republished on Medium. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: iStock
I have gotten so good at being alone it doesn’t bother me much anymore and I truly feel that I am a healthier person since relationship difficulties seem to trigger my depressive tendencies. I do often think of what I might be missing and then chalk it all up to dreaming of a fantasy life – realizing that the hard work of a relationship is rarely worth the upheaval it causes in my psyche. I wonder what makes me so different from others. Why I can’t maintain a relationship through several failed attempts? I invested a lot and learned a… Read more »
Try having a medical or dental procedure but you need someone to drive you home but you have no one to take you home and you can’t call a taxis to take you home. That is how sad the state of affairs is for men who are socially isolation compare to women who have friends to take care of them.
That’s a really good point G. Between the social isolation you are talking about and the not asking for help that FlyingKal mentions, men’s aloneness may be extremely difficult. Thanks so much for your comment.
You get used to it. Because, what else can you do? I remember a couple of years ago I got really sick, some kind of flu, had 39-40 degrees fever for almost a week. Became totally apathetic, as you do with a high fever. Couldn’t even bother to drag myself to the kitchen for a sandwich or some fruit. Think I lost almost 10 kg from my already less-than 70 kg frame. Slept 20 hours a day, woke up in the middle of the night delirious from fever and hunger, convinced that I was going to die, then and there,… Read more »
That kind of experience sounds terrifying FlyingKal. And being alone when facing it must only have increased the already horrific symptoms. I like your question of “what else can you do?”. You take what life passes out. And handle it – that’s what it sounds like you’re suggesting. You have been through trial by fire, that’s for sure.
Something very similar happened to my Grandma. she was just getting better after a long cold but being alone at home she go worse and ended up going into hospital worse than she was before because she couldn’t look after herself alone. By aunt and uncle live near by but were away. We are an hour or so away, but I think she didn’t say she needed help. After she went to hospital my mum stayed with her until she was out of hospital and ok to be by herself again. But its worrying, especially when people don’t think they… Read more »
I hear you, Mia, and I sympathize with you and your grandma. But the thing is, I didn’t go to the hospital. I didn’t even call for help. Why, I don’t really know? One reason is, as I said I was really apathetic. But another is, like, hospitals are for people who are sick for real. I had this nagging thought that I wouldn’t be taken seriously, that I would be dismissed or heckled as a hypochondriac with a “man cold”. As a comment to G below, I do think that also men have friends to ask for help in… Read more »