Putting off your own happiness no matter the reason will only lead to regret. J.W. Holland had to learn this lesson the hard way.
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Far too often regret is something we talk about but never do anything to avoid. As I look at the world around me, it comes to me that there is a ton of stuff I haven’t done. Some of those things are experiences that are within reach and could easily achieve. Many would just require a little gas money and slightly more effort than getting off the couch.
Even at this age, however, I know there are a few adventures that have most likely passed me by already.
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I turn 40 this year, and the last few months have involved an enormous amount of self-examination and retrospection. Of course, I am aware that 40 isn’t the end of the line, hopefully, and that I still have time to capture some of these brass rings. Even at this age, however, I know there are a few adventures that have most likely passed me by already. Just the other night I was watching a movie with my wife, and the film revolved around sailing. It hit me out of nowhere “I’ve never even been on a sailboat!”
Never being on a sailboat may seem like a small trivial thing to you, but to me, it emphasized a lot about me. I’ve always had an interest in sailing and have lived near the water. I have had plenty of opportunities to experience sailing, I just never took the time or put out the effort to do it. It’s hard to explain why I hadn’t, but I realized that it was a regret. I don’t like regrets.
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Over the last few years, I’ve recognized a growing number of disappointments, many of those I have rectified. There are still many of those regrets that I just “plan” to do something about it. While I am jubilant that some of these are no longer regrets, I wonder why am I still putting some of them off?
Sense of Responsibility- Like most husbands and fathers, I have always thought that the wants of those in my household should trump my own. While the needs of our spouses and children need to come first most of the time, that doesn’t mean ours should be trashed completely. Delaying our desires doesn’t mean postponing them indefinitely. Make a plan, schedule the time and enjoy something for yourself.
Monetary Restrictions- I certainly couldn’t afford to buy my own sailboat, and taking sailing lessons may not be immediately in the budget. That doesn’t mean I can’t plan and save for at least an afternoon sailing experience. I’ve had friends that owned sailboats that would have taken me out. The experience doesn’t have to be bank breaking. Plan it out, save up and follow through.
Fun, boarderline wild adventures that don’t cause harm to anyone else or damage relationships are sometimes required!
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Social Pressures- If the experience you want to enjoy is more personal, or even socially taboo, then certainly a husband and father shouldn’t be doing it. Things like certain sexual experiences, or even in some areas a guy’s weekend in Vegas are socially unacceptable. When we allow society to dictate our happiness, we end up with unhappiness. This doesn’t mean do something reckless or foolish; it means enjoy yourself. Sexual experiences that are done safely with a committed partner who is on board should be enjoyed. Fun, borderline wild adventures that don’t cause harm to anyone else or damage relationships are sometimes required!
Anxiety and Depression- For me anxiety and depression were the biggest reasons that kept me from enjoying life. The fact that I didn’t want to get out of bed most days, much less leave the house, made experiencing life impossible. It meant I would have to go out into the world and interact with people. It meant that I would have to face my fear of crowds, and the anxiety of social interaction was usually more than I could fathom. It wasn’t until I started addressing the underlying disease, and found treatment, that I could start reaching for success in these areas. If there is something inside of you, holding you back from life, seek treatment. Get the help you need to be able to enjoy the world around you.
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It didn’t matter what was holding me back from living a life of enjoyment. What mattered is that something was holding me back. Since this was making me unhappy, then it was going to be up to me to fix it. My wife, children, family, or friends couldn’t correct any of this for me. I had to put the effort out to fix not only the missed experiences but also the root causes. So will you.
Over the last couple of years, I have done more, while actually enjoying it, than ever before. In turn, my family has been able to enjoy things that previously my hesitations had made off limits for even them. This revelation alone makes me understand how important it is to overcome my issues and experience this thing called life.
What I previously thought couldn’t be done, now seems natural.
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With each check of the box, it makes me realize how obtainable the next experience is. What I previously thought couldn’t be done, now seems natural. I also regularly identify things that I haven’t done that I want to, sailboats for instance. Even if some of them seem crazy, I figure “what the hell?” The worst thing that can happen is you don’t enjoy it and move on to the next experience. It sure beats never knowing.
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Our time on this earth is limited, truly limited. Stop putting things off that you want to experience. There is almost no reason that is valid enough to make you look back at the end of it all with regret for what you didn’t do.
Mainly because we never know when that end is coming.
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Photo/Flickr: Eliya
Saving for a raining day is a need. Having fun is a want.
You’ve got it backwards my friend.
Men who end up with children at an early age must sacrifice. Education on Male Studies is needed.
Great article J.W. Maybe the age of 40 is when a lot of men come to the realization that you came to. My 40’s awakening was coupled with the reality check that life can end at any time in that at age 41, I had a quintuple bypass. Shortly after, I left the corporate world, downsized our life style and started living again. I remained the sole provider and made sure the family always had what they needed+ but not always what they wanted. At the age of 43, I snow boarded for the first time … I sucked at… Read more »
I agreed that monetary restriction is one reason that people can’t enjoy life. However, there is the problem of not being allowed to go on vacation for a month like they have in Europe plus being a slave to the corporate masters for the last 36 years.