I’m like most guys; I’d love to have a new partner. I miss companionship, intimacy, and sex. I’d also love for my daughter to have a positive female role model in her life. But the truth is, many single dads fear getting into new relationships.
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Being a single dad can be tough. So why wouldn’t we want a little help? Why would we avoid new relationships? It’s not so simple. To a single dad, a relationship is a scary proposition.
I’ve been a single dad since my daughter was 11 months old. Now she’s ten years old. That’s a lot of time and a strong relationship that’s been built between my daughter and me. There’s a dynamic to our bond that I never want to lose.
A new relationship might stir things up. It would create new expectations for both dad and daughter.
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I’m like most guys; I’d love to have a new partner. I miss companionship, intimacy, and sex. I’d also love for my daughter to have a positive female role model in her life. But the truth is, many single dads fear getting into new relationships. Here’s why.
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We have a routine. Single parents create routines and rituals with our kids. My daughter, Annie, knows exactly what to expect from me. She knows I’ll always be there when her school bus arrives. She knows what I expect of her around the house. It’s taken time to develop our routines and understandings. A new relationship might stir things up. It would create new expectations for both dad and daughter. That could be confusing. No dad wants to see his child confused.
We have limited time. This is the big one. Between getting your kids to school, a full-time job, picking your kids up, cooking the meals, doing the laundry, and participating in a variety of other activities, there’s no time to start a new relationship. I own a home. I operate a blog. I play in a band at church. My daughter only spends a few hours a week with her mom. She’s with me most of 24/7 outside of school. There’s literally no time for dating.
We have a crazy ex. Okay, maybe not all single dads have a crazy ex, but plenty of us do. People don’t want to get into relationships with too much baggage attached. Our kids’ moms often have problems. They often struggle with being the one who gets visitation. They can be overemotional. Some lack boundaries and might stop by to see their kids without warning. There’s nothing like snuggling up on the couch with a new date only to have the crazy ex unexpectedly stop by.
We have a protective heart. This is the bottom line. Relationships are hard enough when we’re young and single. When we add careers, homeownership, ex-spouses, and kids into the mix, it gets complicated. It seems easier to avoid new relationships because all the contributing factors could throw a wrench into things. Our kids have feelings. They can grow attached to our new acquaintances. We don’t want to see our kids get hurt.
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So what’s this mean for women who want to date single dads?
- They need to be helpful, but not overbearing.
- They need to be patient and watchful before getting too close.
- They need to be empathetic of others, even crazy exes.
- They need to get into the relationship for the right reasons.
- They need to be willing to give dad and his kids space.
Annie will be 11 years old soon. Sometimes I think it would be easier to wait until she’s off to college before I seek a serious relationship. Other times, I want to find a partner that would help Annie feel more like her friends who all have two-parent homes. It’s a dilemma.
As a single dad, I want what’s best for my daughter. If that means diving into a new relationship, that’s what I’ll do. Because although many single dads may fear new relationships, wanting what’s best for our kids will always win.
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
You make some good points, and in my experience as a single mom out there in dating land, I’ve encountered many men who seem scared of opening their hearts, being vulnerable and putting in the real work (communication, etc) that is inherent in any healthy relationship. It’s frustrating and disappointing when these men inevitably realize they are not ready/able to go deeper into committing to a relationship. Seems like a lot of men out there who are comfortable with having sex or a fun companion for the short term but then it inevitably fizzles out. But personally I’m not giving… Read more »
Dan, as a single mum I think your fears can be real for all single parents – not just dads. I have two young sons who I want to grow up with a balanced understanding of what a relationship can and should look like – the good and the bad. However, how do I do that when I don’t have a have a partner. The routine point doesn’t overly concern me as I think that is a hurdle for every person entering into a new relationship. The time problem is big….. HUGE…… I just don’t know how to fit it… Read more »
I know exactly what you’re saying. And of course single moms have some of the same issues. I think the vulnerability of the children is a major issue. Thanks for commenting.
I’m confused. It’s important not to stir things up because it could be confusing to a child, and yet you had a child with someone “crazy” and put them through a bad marriage or divorce. Everyone has a busy life. Basically, if you don’t have time for a real relationship, then don’t date. Women aren’t things. They are Annie in ten years time. So whatever you tell us, make sure you tell Annie too. Tell her not to expect her partner to give her too much time, tell her that she will never be a priority in her husbands life… Read more »
Do you think anyone sets out to marry someone who has “mental health” issues? Many of these things appear after the marriage. People with mental health issues are very good at hiding them unless you live with them. That said, I divorced when my daughter was less than a year old in order to protect her form an unsafe environment. I don’t think I made any reference or suggestion to women being things.
Hi Dan, I have dated a single dad in the past when I was still 23 years ol and boy it was tough. I had daddy issues and my ex was 17 years older than I was. I dealt with challenging teenagers and my own issues so the relationship was far from healthy. I learned a lot from your writing and it helped me understand how hard it can be for you to date. Anyway, I also want to point out about your ex whom you refer to as a crazy ex. I can imagine that some of her behavior… Read more »
Thanks for you comment. Fair call about the term “crazy ex.” Although I did not go into detail, my ex still has an obsession about getting back together nearly ten years since our split. It was OCD and obsessive behavior that led to the spot in the first place. It’s a little much really.
It certainly does complicate things when you’re talking about mixing in what used to be your family and my family at some point in the past. However, this isn’t something to be afraid of – especially the fear of routine vs. time. This is one area I think many of us use as an excuse to ultimately avoid dealing with the real fear of rejection – and more in part the rejection of a potential loved one we could become vulnerable to in the eyes of our children. It screams of the insecurity in: What if… she doesn’t want to… Read more »
You are right. There is always some insecurity in the mix. But there are still a lot of unknowns and complications in mixing families. I agree that choosing vulnerability is a strength.
Thank you for this post! On the flip side, as the daughter of a single parent, I think that it’s also wonderful to see your parent in a healthy, positive dating/relationship scenario. It’s something that I didn’t see as a kid, but looking back, whoa – what a great opportunity to learn how adults take chances in love, communicate, and work through challenges. If/when you do decide to date, you’ll be a great example for your daughter!
Thanks. I agree that the process is a good thing for a child to experience. She’s seen me have a few “friends” for periods. It’s a learning opportunity.
Well this great single dad expects a lot from his prospective dates.I sure hope he makes the waiting worth it for her. I am willing to date a single dad. If marriage is not the goal, please dont waste her time and effort. She cant get back her time wasted.
When a child is involved I think you have to expect a lot.
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