4 Unspoken Traits Every Man is Looking For in a Partner

2Q==There are certain qualities all men are looking for in a partner, but may be afraid to admit they want.

Co-written by Chaka Dillion-El.

Love is an experience every guy desires and seeks to make a reality in his life. Each of us has a burning need to share our life with someone who gets us and loves us. We know how much better life would be to wake up every day next to a person who completes us and gives us feelings we didn’t know we were capable of experiencing.

Maintaining a relationship can be even harder than getting into the right one.

A lot of relationships start out hot. We are exploring our partner mentally, physically, and emotionally. We are experiencing moments of absolute pleasure as we have fun during the honeymoon phase of our relationship. But at some point, the realities of making a relationship last start to kick in.

Maintaining a relationship can be even harder than getting into the right one. As the relationship progresses, there are certain things every guy looks for as they build their life with someone they love. These are things you won’t hear us talking about, but trust me when I say; they are on our minds as men.


1. A Partner Who Has Their Own Identity

One thing that happens in a relationship is partners get comfortable with each other. This is good for many reasons, but there is one negative aspect to getting comfortable: losing your identity as an individual. You can end up identifying yourself and what you want out of life through the relationship and not as a person.

The goals, dreams, and ambitions you once had get lost in you wanting to do what you feel will better the relationship. A strong relationship requires sacrifice but never losing who you are and what you want. Guys want a partner who never loses sight of themselves as an individual. They want a partner who is committed to the relationship, but also committed to being the best version of them self. There is nothing sexier than a strong and confident person.

2. A Partner Who’s Self-Motivated

When you see problems arise in a relationship, it’s often because one partner lets himself or herself go. This can related to weight, habits, work, ambitions, or a variety of other areas in a relationship. They’ve lost their self-motivation and rely on their partner for their strength.

At first, this is cute and flattering. After a while, it’s exhausting to constantly have to be someone else’s inspiration and strength. Life is hard enough on its own, so adding the weight of motivating your partner can lead to resentment. To be the best version of yourself, you can only rely on YOU. Yes, there will be things you do as a couple—like workouts or healthy eating habits together—but your main source of strength has to transcend the relationship. 

3. A Partner Who Shares Your Goals and Dreams 

When you start out in a relationship, you’re agreeable to the things your partner tells you they want out of life. At some point, you reach that level of comfort where you can tell them what’s on your mind. What’s on your mind may crush your partner’s dreams and goals.

Every man wants a partner who will be real from the beginning so that we don’t waste our time. We want a partner who will support and dream with us. We want a partner who won’t settle for living a good enough life. This, of course, is assuming the goals and dreams are somewhat realistic.

4. A Partner Who’s Committed to Doing the Hard Work

Relationships are hard work to maintain in the long run. They require our time, energy, and digging deeper. To grow, we have to choose to love instead of how we feel at times. Guys want a partner who gets that and is willing to put in the hard work with us.

Stay motivated and don’t get comfortable to the point of letting yourself go.

We want someone who tries to understand us. Someone who attempts to get a feel for our moods and tries to understand what we’re going through. I’m not saying we want someone who will put us on a pedestal because we understand relationships are a two-way street. But, we want to know if you’re willing to put in the work–we are.


Love is one of life’s greatest feelings and experiences. Every man and woman should experience a love so strong that you know it can only end very well or turn into a train wreck. That kind of love helps you grow as a person either way.

When you find that person you love with everything in you, commit to doing the hard work, but never lose who you are. Stay motivated and don’t get comfortable to the point of letting yourself go. And, this applies to guys as well. Never stop pursuing your love, in the same way, you had done before you were together. Keep it spicy.

What are some unspoken traits you look for in a partner?

Photo: Flickr/ Paul Bratcher

About Kimanzi Constable

I used to deliver bread for a living, now I write. You can see my words in cool places such as the Huffington Post, Entrepreneur Magazine, Mind Body Green, the Good Men Project, Fox News, and many more. My books have sold over 100,000 copies and my new book, Stop Chasing Influencers, drops later this year. In the last three years, I’ve lost 170 pounds and moved our family to Maui, Hawaii. My goal is to help you create freedom in your work, health, and relationships and live your dream life. Join me at KimanziConstable.com and Kimanzi Constable on Facebook.


  1. Fierceme says:

    I agree on all of these. At some point i lost myself in the relationship. I relied too much and I felt comfortable coz I thought he will just be there but I was wrong I started to feel insecure. I wasnt the insecure type of person. Before I wanted to work and he stopped me and I didnt realize it was his ego basher so I lost myself and remained stagnant all through out. When my ex fiance and I got separated the business that we started together became self sufficient on its own and I found a better fulltime job with better pay and at the same time I can do exercise. It gave me balance and I realize that on my next relationship it will be the better version of myself. I learned to value myself more. I realized that it doesn’t end here but its just the beginning of a better life.

  2. Me and my fiancé talk about everything his fear, his dreams… a lot…. in a relationship, in order to build a greater, deeper, and much stronger… both need a constant communication, and open communication, because if you really love your partner you will accept to whatever he/she is, even his or her darkest fear/ secret… we are not hypocrite here, it is normal that in a relationship there’s conflict and disagreement but the beautiful thing behind this you both talk each other about the problem and willing to forgive and change if there’s anything that need changes…. above all to have a strong foundation of relationship let God be the center of it…. no doubt, no regrets….

  3. Kimanzi

    I want my partner to be able to see himself.
    Self awareness.

  4. Follow through, is most important for me to see in a man. If he doesn’t follow through there is always a crack of uncertainty in his word. With men Actions are what you look at, not their words. If he expects me to follow through so he can see I have integrity but isn’t walking his own talk, I can’t respect him. I can’t be with a man I can’t respect.

  5. “When you see problems arise in a relationship, it’s often because one partner lets himself or herself go.”
    Not by a long shot. In that scenario, if it isn’t big outside influences, it’s the corrosive inside influences. The relationship ‘problems’ start because, quite frankly, at least one member of the relationship just isn’t a very good partner. This list is pretty much me, me, me. Relationships based on parasitism don’t have much of a shelf life, and let’s just forget the ‘until death do us part’.

  6. If those are really the things looked for in a partner, what does that package look like in men’s eyes? How do men tell when that’s what they have encountered in a woman if the traits are unspoken? I’ve never had a man ask about these things, nor have I known a woman who has had a man inquire about these things.Is this something they can tell by looking? If the adage is true that actions speak louder than words (because these traits are “unspoken”), what actions speak that a woman possesses these traits? These will need to be topics of conversation (overt investigation) and proper research (covert investigation), to be ascertained. I’m curious as to how the latter will be accomplished if it’s never spoken.
    This list of traits sounds very much like a questionnaire/resume, which many men purport to despise a woman looking for in a man. Also, these sound like the traits of highly intelligent, ambitious, so-called “alpha” women. Most of the women I know that fall into that category, despite men saying those traits are desirable, find themselves alone more often than most would like to admit, on either side.
    At the same time, women are looking for the same in men, but how are they supposed to know if they don’t ask? Snoop through your things? Hire private investigators? Just not sure how to get around the whole “unspoken” thing…..but supposedly, men want women to be direct/specific in their requests. Conundrums!

  7. I would want a partner who has her own retirement plan instead of relying on me to provide it for her and to treat me as an equal human being with the same rights guaranteed by the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

    The only problem I have with one’s own Identity is when that person thinks his/her identity is what her/his position is at work and when they retired, they have no identity and then they died within 18 months after retirement. I think that the main reason they died is because they can no longer make or break people’s career anymore particularly when they were managers for most of their lives and it comes as a real culture shock, that they are now mere mortals with no power to hurt people.

  8. If I was looking for a partner, I want that person to have her own financial plan instead of expecting me to provide it for her. I also demand she treated me as a person with equal rights as a human being.

    As a side note, what is the point of having your own Identity when too many people identified themselves by being wrap up into what their title is at work and then when they retired, they are dead within 18 months because their identity was what they were at work? Frankly, I think that they died was because when they retired, they no longer had the control of making or breaking people’s careers like if they were God and in retirement, if they tried to pull that stuff, people would tell them off and they get a real culture shock, that they are nothing more than mere mortals like the rest of us. Well, I don’t feel sorry for them in that area of their lives.

Speak Your Mind