While tuning out a lot of the “outside noise,” what would it take to hear others more clearly?
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There is a lot of humming going on inside me right now, what with these thoughts and emotions battering my brain and body at the same time. Can you speak up a little bit, please?
Do you find yourself asking, either outwardly or within yourself, this question? Sometimes, I have to sit my butt down, take a deep breath and be willing to listen a lot more.
It takes patience, time, effort, and energy to really listen not only to friends and partners, but also to that soft internal language within your heart.
That last part might sound pretty sappy and make no sense at all. Let me put it another way. Are you listening to your instincts and intuitions a lot more than simply going with the crowd? Today’s society has so many distractions. Yep, there’s the trusty smartphone, iPad, laptop, TV, radio, etc., and it goes on and on. This doesn’t even include the little daily dramas that can take me away from any sort of focused discussion.
Since men can always become better listeners, let me break down those four words I just mentioned and expand on them:
Patience – How much patience do you have when someone is trying to talk “at you” and not “with you?” I’ll admit that having conversations in this manner are simply draining. “I want you to listen to me!” the person almost yells. “No, I want you to listen to me!” the other person says, and out goes “patience” looking for a hot date. Developing skills and habits toward becoming patient listeners can definitely win over many people in a really solid way. Most of us really do appreciate someone taking time and listening. Of course, there are boundaries to be developed and this does not mean endless, forever-and-ever chatter should be tolerated. Work on being more patient and put up healthy barriers around what will and will not be accepted in conversations with your partner and friends. It does take some work.
Time – How much time are you willing to give another person when listening? Are you discovering that it’s a “90 percent you listen, 10 percent you talk” type of relationship? That’s not a good balance. Yes, I do believe in giving another person enough time to share and listening without constant interruption. Sometimes, the itch to scratch calls and that “time factor” simply goes out the door. I lose my patience (see the first word). There are healthy levels of time that each person can give another when it comes to hearing his or her side of the story. The bottom line, though, gets back to balancing out how much time is that conversation worth to you. One suggestion is to just be aware of how many conversations happen throughout your day, then weigh them to see if they are quality ones. Defining quality is simply up to each person. What that means to me might have an entirely different meaning to you. Discern for yourself what it is and what it is not.
Effort – How much work have you put into improving your own listening skills? Someone is asking, “You mean a man has to work at listening?” Yes. “What about a woman?” that same person asks. Yes. Everyone really could use a course on listening. Talk about a course in real miracles! It does take effort to open up my two ears and keep that one trap door – my mouth – shut. It takes effort to comprehend what someone else is saying and really letting their words get down into my heart and soul. Doing my best to understand another person’s communication ability does call for me to begin the “heavy lifting” of listening with intent. Then there is the mildly amusing topic of selective listening. You know, only hearing what you want to hear? Nope, that excuse doesn’t work when it comes to the effort part.
Energy – How do you maintain a level of healthy energy when listening takes so much patience, time and effort? The snarky part of me wants to suggest lots of caffeine. When I think of healthy energy, what pops in my head are having the mind-body-spirit connections working on all cylinders. That enhances the ability to be “up and alert” for a meaningful chat. I cannot tell you how many conversations that I’ve had with family members or others where it felt like my own energy was getting taken by them. Actually, I was unconsciously giving my energy away and not developing those strong boundaries. When any man is able to put up healthy barriers and listen, the energy needed for that time and place will seemingly arrive like magic. There is the internal prep work that takes place, though, and it is not a one-time deal. It takes constant, diligent work on a man’s part.
Let me add this caveat. I know many, many men who are following this or another path around listening more intentionally. They really love and care about their partner or friends. What they have learned about themselves is that there are better times for deeper conversations than others. Is what I have written out a “one-size-fits-all” type of formula, like a prescription for listening that you must follow literally? No. What I would hope that you find in here are four starting points you can use as an internal discussion, looking for ways to improve your own listening skills.
We all could use more empathic listening and less dramatic talking in our lives.
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POSTSCRIPT – I’ve written for the past couple of weeks about my own eviction process. Well, it happened last week and I am now without a home.
Yes, I do have a lot of cleaning up to do and am in that process today. Thankfully, there have been people who have reached out and offered support – in one way or another – during this time in my life.
I’m really grateful for it all and, to be honest, I didn’t want to write another column on it. My sense is that you’d rather read about something that you can actually use in your life.
And so it is …
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