Fellas. Women like and want casual sex just as much as you do. You just have to be honest about your intentions with the ladies. A female writer explains just how to do it.
When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship.
So why is it that when the relationship doesn’t necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, people freak out? More specifically, why do guys get put in such a tight spot?
If you’re honest and say, “I just want a friends-with-benefits situation,” you’re seen as an assh*le or pervert. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you’re an evenbigger assh*le because you weren’t honest about what you wanted.
So what’s a good way of telling someone, “I’m not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship,” without being offensive? The answer is simple: It’s all in the presentation. With the right wording, the right tone and the right mental state, you can get what you want without giving the wrong impression.
Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to elaborate Barney Stinson-esque trickery:
Let go of the fear of “no.”
My personal theory is that guys put on the big show of wanting to take a girl out on a date and get to know her, but their main goal is always to have sex.
Getting taken on dates may give a girl the wrong impression, when in reality, the guy was just afraid that if he said, “Uh, hey, can I just get a blowie and play with your breasts and not call again?” he’d be greeted with a resounding “no.”
Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren’t going to be down for what you’re offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who would love to just cut the bullsh*t and get to the fun — if you just phrase it correctly.
Watch your words (and delivery).
Honesty is indeed the best policy, but there is such a thing as being too honest. I’ve known guys who have just gotten out of relationships, meet a girl they think is pretty and then realize they’re not in the best place to commit to a full relationship.
The pretty girl, seeing that the guy is shy, takes initiative and asks him to dinner. The guys’ response is usually along the lines of, “I just broke up with someone, so I’m not looking for anything serious right now. But I’ll hook up with you.” You can imagine that the girl’s response is never a pleasant one.
Were my guy friends honest? Yes. However, they were too honest. They basically said, “I’m still hurting over my ex, but you’re hot, so I’ll totally do you, as my physical needs aren’t being met on the regular anymore.”
So what’s the easiest way to avoid being seen as a pig? Go easy on your delivery. Throwing in something like, “But I’ll hook up with you,” makes it seem like you’re doing her a favor. Saying something along the lines of, “I just got out of a relationship; I’m just looking for something casual right now,” is sufficient. She’ll get the idea — trust me.
Take turns.
One final thing to remember is that if you do want just sex, it’s not only about you. There is another person involved and there’s expectation there.
I’ve gone along with guys who just want a causal, friends-with-benefits thing, and it winds up being all about them and their needs. That’s really not okay. Reciprocate.
Newsflash: Hooking up is not just about your penis. Yes, I know there are sexually selfish women out there, too. That’s also not okay. I find that one-sided sexual activity isn’t much fun.
It’s so much hotter when both people are enthusiastic about pleasing each other. Again, there’s no need to resort to tricks and schemes to get what you want. Just talk about it.
For the love of all things good, do not use text abbreviations.
If you’re using text messages or emails to communicate, do not use text language. I know, I know; it’s 2014 and text lingo is becoming more acceptable, but when it comes to dating, it should be outlawed.
I don’t know about you, but when I get a message that says, “BJ and u may get something l8r,” I feel like I’m back in eighth grade chatting on AIM. Put in a little effort; I want to hook up with a man, not a perverted boy.
Originally appeared at Elite Daily
Photo Elite Daily
About the author: Kathleen Furey graduated from Binghamton University with a degree in English and Global Culture, which she believes helped shape her writing and the ability to cover anything from environmentally friendly candy to women in media to dating to men’s swimwear. When she’s not writing, she’s scouring vintage shops and flea markets for kitschy doodads, like a land based Ariel (minus Prince Eric.) Follow her on Tumblr or Instagram to see her treasures (furiousk)
There must be an iPhone app that helps people read the intentions of the opposite sex…it would cut through the bullshit and all the misunderstandings….plus it would help the uninitiated know what to say in a particular situation….
There’s no bitchy way of saying this, but when women want casual sex they use a vibrator. They do the trick much better than men.
Instead of lying, men who want casual sex might have better chances and be more honest turning to prostitutes.
Cynthia, that’s a pretty cynical rant that. I’m sorry you feel that way.
I knew you wouldn’t like it but sometimes but face it, women have gone cynical as hell about men.
Vibrators don’t tell anyone, won’t slut shame you, don’t think they are entitled to more pleasure than you, don’t think you are the only one who needs to look and smell good, be hairless and sexy while they don’t, won’t try to force you to do anything, focus on your clitoris at least for a while (for once!), don’t think penetration is everything that matters, don’t think they are gaining integrity as vibrators by being in contact with you while you are losing integrity as a woman… and even when their batteries go flat, they can still manage to play… Read more »
I couldn’t agree more with the text abbreviations. If one more person tells me they’ll be l8, I’ll h8 them so much…I’m not a violent or aggressive guy, but this really gets my blood boiling…(emoticon of an angry dwarf!)
I believe in authenticity, but I also believe in no free lunch. Sex is an intimate act. Someone is always going to be on the short end of the stick.
Perhaps that’s just me. But I don’t think so.
I am a woman and I approach sex in much the same way as men. and I get all the “drama”. So yes, you are correct, we (women) have the same desires and expectations, we are not all LOOKING for something more. I have found with most men, they want a commitment from me, if not for themselves. I call it the “Proprietary Claim” – they want you for themselves without any ownership. Let me tell you something guys, get over your “YOUNG TALL SKINNY BLONDE” mentality, there are hundreds of us (over 50) with raging perimenopause hormones, that just… Read more »
Jaci, want to exchange numbers…?
I’d be interested in a study that asked how men vs women felt after a casual sex encounter. I suspect that women often have more post-sexual (I didn’t say orgasm because I also wonder how many women actually experience orgasm in a casual sex experience) regret when it’s casual than men do. Women have strong sexual feelings of course, they sometimes get wrapped up in those feelings, but women also tend to get more connected after sex because of how our hormones work. Women also don’t tend to just pick any guy that looks decent to sleep with. A woman… Read more »
I only had a handful of casual sex encounters (read: one night stands), and there is none to which I look back with unambiguously good feelings. In the worst case it was an alcohol-fueled emotional mess which made me feel dirty and, yes, used. In the best case the fact that she did not want to see me again despite having had several orgasms throughout the night, and a lot of fun overall, makes me feel cheated and a failure. (It might be different if I could go into such a thing knowing what it was all about beforehand, but… Read more »
Thanks for sharing that Theorema. That is not ususally a perspective I’ve heard from men. I’m not sure how common that experience would be for other men. What do you think? Have you heard other men express the same point of view?
I’ve felt this way too, as a guy, after one night stands: empty, dirty, depressed.
Several fake orgasms, I see. She must be just another woman who swallowed the notion that it’s her duty to satisfy men’s ego in any way, even by faking her orgasm… as if men cared.
“I’ve heard guys say that they can easily sleep with women they don’t even like.”
That’s because men see women as a means to an end. a sexual appliance. Who care about the appliance if it gets the job done. Why have any standards when the point it getting off?
That’s just how men see women…. they’re not people, they’re holes, so who cares.
I don’t like my crock pot. It’s 30 years old and ugly as sin, but it makes a great potroast.
Guys think the same way about women.
Lynn, I think you are right that *some* men do see women as a means to an end. But there are men who don’t and there are men who are beginning to question how they may have done things previously. Which is often what the men we see writing articles for the GMP are about.
I think that if we want to see men strive for more for women and for themselves, we have to encourage them to do so instead of writing them off.
Yah and women see men as a pocket book to be used up and tossed when empty…
The big difference between you and me is that I don’t believe any of this sexist bullshit.
Nope, that’s just the gold diggers. Not at all that common. The notion that there are more gold digging females is just because we live, yes, in a sexist society: men still hold most of the money, there are more rich men than women…. and more rich men willing to “buy” younger girlfriends and show them to the society than the other way around. Most men see women as sexual appliances that can share some love too, as long as they look hoooooot. Most women see men as emotional aplliances that they want to have a deep connection with, even… Read more »
Thank you for pointing out the physiological and emotional (hormonal) differences between men and women. For every women who’s down for a no-strings-attached booty call, there are … god knows, 30, 40, maybe 50 women who aren’t. It all boils down to honesty and intent; most women are smart enough to know when they’re getting a “soft sell” hook-up.
Here’s the problem with casual sex. Men lie because they want to have casual sex with the hottest, most together woman they know, not the women who are desperate for any kind of attention. Ergo, the type of women men are physically attracted to are least likely to want a booty call situation. Would I be offended if a man approached me for a hook-up type relationship? Absolutely. Essentially, he is asking, “Would you share the most intimate part of yourself with me, both physically and emotionally, risking STDs and pregnancy, no strings attached?” That’s about as appealing as eating… Read more »
In Japan there is a group of men who call themselves “grass eaters” who are walking away from relationships and marriage because(1) They see no benefit in it (2) Are tired of playing the games this article mentions. This is an outgrowth of Men Going Their Own Way, or MGTOW. It is a rejection of playing a rigged game where the rules keep changing.
They certainly do not call themselves that. It is a derogatory term coined by the media.
Does that make them any less valid?
yeah this happened awhile ago with women when they realized their lives as wife and child bearer had no benefit. they did the work and what was told of them. They were glorified slaves and were sick of it…… I think they call themselves feminists.
They are NOT “walking away from relationships and marriage”. They just don’t want to have casual sex, or care for it, or even sex in general. It’s about not accepting “macho” behavior anymore and many times accepting their more feminine, gentler personalities.
Most of them still want to date and marry one day.
They are, like… acting more like women, you see… being more sofisticated, caring more about emotions and emotional connection than being just another sex fixated man, being more pacific, caring more about their looks, go shopping, talking to friends and animals than sports or violence… they are indeed really cool. 🙂
I’ve found that the issue tends to be that you can’t predict how a woman will react. We’re all have different attitudes to the subject. I am level headed on the subject, and sex is not a taboo subject for me (even though I am abstinent for religious reasons). When my boyfriend and I broke up we continued with a casual physical relationship. He’s not in a place where he can have a serious committed relationship, but as you’ve said, when he approached his other female friend with honesty about that, she got incredible angry and the girls in our… Read more »
“A “no” can come up anywhere along the way, and once it has, it is usually final–except when it’s a test to see if you’ll be persistent.”. maybe have a think about why this is problematic?
These are good points, once you get to the place where an overture would be welcome. However, there are so many steps leading up to this point that are not talked about here, and missing any one of them could be a deal-breaker. A “no” can come up anywhere along the way, and once it has, it is usually final–except when it’s a test to see if you’ll be persistent. Even then that’s tricky. Everyone understands 3 strikes and you’re out, so if the “no” isn’t clear, don’t ask more than twice for confirmation. As soon as the “no” is… Read more »
“My personal theory is that guys put on the big show of wanting to take a girl out on a date and get to know her, but their main goal is always to have sex.”
This is sad. Sure sex is always a factor, but it is NOT always the main goal for men, and this type of language perpetuates outdated and damaging stereotypes towards men. The GMP really needs to stop posting the garbage from Elite Daily. Please.
In a perfect world this might work. Unfortunately we don’t live in one.
All this stuff won’t happen in real until, we as a collective society don’t stop making sex as a taboo topic and start discussing sexual needs of any person as something to be met on a regular basis.
Honestu sent the women packing each and every time no matter how nicely I said it. However, the lies got me the casual booty quite fast.
As much as I hate the deception, why would I continue doing the same thing expecting a different result?
Do you not understand, on a wider level tough, that the two are linked? It’s so often the women that are being deceived into bed under false pretenses, that the become so uncomfortable and insecure about their own sexual needs and who then tend to shy away for casual sex? Don’t make your bed then complain about having to lie in it, champ. As for why you’d continue to be honest even if you’re not (as often) getting the result you want – maybe because you have some integrity and strength of character, and you don’t want to be a… Read more »
Honesty = no booty. Lying = booty. What I was getting at was that I don’t have ANY incentive to do the right thing. Doesn’t matter what level of linkage it’s a catch-22. I’d rather be that tacky worthless asshole getting laid. Most men would agree, otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about how uncomfortable and insecure women are about having been bedded under false pretenses.
You don’t have any incentive to be a HONEST MAN WITH INTEGRITY, because it won’t bring you sex?! Sex is more important than your honor? Not respecting women, making women insecure and unconfortable is okay as long as you are having sex with them, even though you are lying and deceiving them (a kind of abuse)?
Ah, if only “no” was the worst thing you risked being on the receiving end of.
Good god, even Nerdlove gives better advice than this.
LOL.
Some people want to go on the dates and THEN have casual sex, not just jump straight into bed too.
I know, right? I’ve gotten much worse than “no” when I was actually SEEKING a relationship with a FRIEND of mine. I gave her some compliments on her smile and told her I would love to go out with her some time. But let’s put it this way: the consequent rumors could have counted as “preponderance of evidence” and it was a college campus. I was even assaulted and received death threats. And for all this BS, there was nothing done except me being told “just avoid those girls”. Meanwhile, a girl not to long later offered me a BJ… Read more »
Not a double standard. If you complain, she will get expelled for that. I doubt that ever happened, though. Much “straight male fantasy where women looove giving bjs with no reciprocration so muuuuch” for me. If there is any double standard, and it really happened, it would be that men usually offer their penis for women to suck, while women offer giving oral sex. Which is really unfair and clearly show MEN ARE CERTTAINLY IN A MUCH BTTER POSITIOn. Or their penises, whatever.