It’s not easy loving someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Dr. Craig Malkin offers a helpful guide to catching the signs of NPD early on in a relationship.
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At the beginning of April this year, I was tapped by the Huffington Post Live team for a discussion on narcissism. I happily agreed to appear, for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that narcissism happens to be one of my favorite subjects. Early in my training, I had the pleasure of working with one of the foremost authorities on narcissism in our field, and in part because of that experience, I went on to work with quite a few clients who’d been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. That’s where I learned that the formal diagnostic label hardly does justice to the richness and complexity of this condition. The most glaring problems are easy to spot — the apparent absence of even a shred of empathy, the grandiose plans and posturing, the rage at being called out on the slightest of imperfections or normal human missteps — but if you get too hung up on the obvious traits, you can easily miss the subtle (and often more common) features that allow a narcissist to sneak into your life and wreak havoc.
Just ask Tina Swithin, who went on to write a book about surviving her experience with a man who clearly meets criteria for NPD (and very likely, a few other diagnoses). To her lovestruck eyes, her soon-to-be husband seemed more like a prince charming than the callous, deceitful spendthrift he later proved to be. Looking back, Tina explains, there were signs of trouble from the start, but they were far from obvious at the time. In real life, the most dangerous villains rarely advertise their malevolence.
So what are we to do? How do we protect ourselves from narcissists if they’re so adept at slipping into our lives unnoticed?
I shared some of my answers to that question in our conversation, and I encourage you to watch it. But there were a few I didn’t get to, and others I didn’t have the chance to describe in depth, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to revisit the topic here. Tread carefully if you catch a glimpse of any of these subtler signs:
1) Projected Feelings of Insecurity: I don’t mean that narcissists see insecurity everywhere. I’m talking about a different kind of projection altogether, akin to playing hot potato with a sense of smallness and deficiency. Narcissists say and do things, subtle or obvious, that make you feel less smart, less accomplished, less competent. It’s as if they’re saying, “I don’t want to feel this insecure and small; here, you take the feelings.” Picture the boss who questions your methods after their own decision derails an important project, the date who frequently claims not to understand what you’ve said, even when you’ve been perfectly clear, or the friend who always damns you with faint praise (“Pretty good job this time!”). Remember the saying: “Don’t knock your neighbor’s porch light out to make yours shine brighter.” Well, the narcissist loves to knock out your lights to seem brighter by comparison.
2) Emotion-phobia: Feelings are a natural consequence of being human, and we tend to have lots of them in the course of normal interactions. But the very fact of having a feeling in the presence of another person suggests you can be touched emotionally by friends, family, partners, and even the occasional tragedy or failure. Narcissists abhor feeling influenced in any significant way. It challenges their sense of perfect autonomy; to admit to a feeling of any kind suggests they can be affected by someone or something outside of them. So they often change the subject when feelings come up, especially their own, and as quick as they might be to anger, it’s often like pulling teeth to get them to admit that they’ve reached the boiling point — even when they’re in the midst of the most terrifying tirade.
3) A Fragmented Family Story: Narcissism seems to be born of neglect and abuse, both of which are notorious for creating an insecure attachment style (for more on attachment, see here and here). But the very fact that narcissists, for all their posturing, are deeply insecure, also gives us an easy way to spot them. Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps. Narcissists often give themselves away precisely because their childhood story makes no sense, and the most common myth they carry around is the perfect family story. If your date sings their praises for their exalted family but the reasons for their panegyric seem vague or discursive, look out. The devil is in the details, as they say — and very likely, that’s why you’re not hearing them.
4) Idol Worship: Another common narcissistic tendency you might be less familiar with is the habit of putting people on pedestals. The logic goes a bit like this: “If I find someone perfect to be close to, maybe some of their perfection will rub off on me, and I’ll become perfect by association.” The fact that no one can be perfect is usually lost on the idol-worshipping narcissist — at least until they discover, as they inevitably do, that their idol has clay feet. And stand back once that happens. Few experiences can prepare you for the vitriol of a suddenly disappointed narcissist. Look out for any pressure to conform to an image of perfection, no matter how lovely or magical the compulsive flattery might feel.
5) A High Need for Control: For the same reason narcissists often loathe the subject of feelings, they can’t stand to be at the mercy of other people’s preferences; it reminds them that they aren’t invulnerable or completely independent — that, in fact, they might have to ask for what they want — and even worse, people may not feel like meeting the request. Rather than express needs or preferences themselves, they often arrange events (and maneuver people) to orchestrate the outcomes they desire. In the extreme form, this can manifest as abusive, controlling behaviors. (Think of the man who berates his wife when dinner isn’t ready as soon as he comes home. He lashes out precisely because at that very moment, he’s forced to acknowledge that he depends on his wife, something he’d rather avoid.) But as with most of these red flags, the efforts at control are often far subtler than outright abuse. Be on the look out for anyone who leaves you feeling nervous about approaching certain topics or sharing your own preferences. Narcissists have a way of making choices feel off-limits without expressing any anger at all — a disapproving wince, a last-minute call to preempt the plans, chronic lateness whenever you’re in charge of arranging a night together. It’s more like a war of attrition on your will than an outright assault on your freedom.
None of these signs, in isolation, proves that you’re with a narcissist. But if you see a lot of them, it’s best to sit up and take notice. They’re all way of dodging vulnerability, and that’s a narcissist’s favorite tactic.
Originally appeared at The Huffington Post
Photo: Shutterstock
I honestly wish I could take a stab at re-writing this story, no offense!
Why does it say “he” often? Can’t a woman be a naccisist?
” Insecurely attached people can’t talk coherently about their family and childhood; their early memories are confused, contradictory, and riddled with gaps.” I have never seen this in any description of insecure attachment. Where is this from?
All I really got from this was learning what the word “panegyric” means! I must figure out how to use this in a casual sentence in the next 24 hours. 😉
This excellent article has come three years after my exit from a 22 year marriage. My ex wife (I now know) showed all 5 signs of NPD. Couple these signs with the menopause and the arrival, 10 years ago, of her trust fund I can now see that the messy and vitriolic end was inevitable.
I’ll start 2015 with a much clearer insight into dealing with my children’s mother.
Thank you 🙂
My malignant, covert narcissist ex-husband ALSO had a sizable inheritance coming his way which guaranteed a scorched earth divorce approach and years of plotting on his part to extricate himself from the marriage with as much money as possible and as little spent on the children and I as possible. They are all the same.
So, what if you know someone with these symptoms and want to help them. Coz the fact is, they are hurting themselves too. And it’s not always possible to run away from all relationships. Example what if the person is your mom/ dad/ sibling. Is there no way to change an NPD?
I have been trying to put my finger on what was wrong with the relationship I was in. This is what I was experiencing but never knew until now. Thank you.
It is extremely difficult because this is part of their personality. It is who they are. Getting them to acknowledge there is something wrong with who they are is not something a narsisstic is going to do easily.
I think articles need to stop demonizing childhood abuse survivors. It’s true that abusers have higher percentages of previous abuse than non-abusers but it’s also true that most survivors DON’T go on to abuse others. There is a trend at the moment to say survivors are all these bad things and you should avoid being with one. This is further abuse and stigma. It’s not ok.
Number 4 seems like more of an indicator for borderline personality disorder. The borderline flip is a telltale sign of real and persistent trouble. Perhaps the difference is that once narcissistic sufferers recognize that their idols were undermining their autonomy, they just move on. Instead of moving on, the borderline sufferer adopts the role of a toxic avenger.
This is spot on….
Sorta wished he had flushed out the paragraph on fragmented family history more; funnily enough it seemed a bit fragmented! Also, there are many with “non-normal” child histories who are not Narcissist. Further I have met folks who are clearly narcissist, but were not abused.
Beautifully written well done clearly explained! Thank you! As a child psychotherapist I have worked with a number of parents like this! This article gives parents a look into why it’s so important as parents to learn from a child therapist how to teach children emotional intelligence skills correctly. Knowing how you feel and being able to manage those feelings is important to success in life. It’s also the key to Prevention! Easier to prevent and very hard to cure! Even if you don’t have npd most of us were not taught healthy emotional intelligence skills and had to learn… Read more »
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@Dominique …. I thought the same thing ! A very self-promoting comment by Ava LOL !
And, sometimes, they’re your father or mother, and you find yourself lucky to have escaped them…even if the memories can still hurt you.
Thank you for this.
Oops.
Thanks for this. The article and the comments together are helping me make sense of a lot that had happened in my life, including right now. I feel like I’ve received better tools fory toolbox, permission to use them, and the realization that the permission comes from me. I feel for those still caught up in the more extreme nets of those who will go to any length to protect their world view. Persist, and know that you yourself are worth standing up for.
I agree there are similar personality traits of a NPD and a socio path. Dealing with being book ended by a mother and sister who were both it has made my life more difficult. I have fought hard to get away from them both. As mentioned they both seem to have gotten away with much stuff. They both co enable one another and they both have at times usurped my identity (literally by stealing my identity, my trust funds, and my school funds and metaphorically ) what blows my mind is how they have gone about getting others on board… Read more »
Where were you 50 years ago!!!!???! I could have written the five warning signs. It was hard to get it through my head/heart that I could be married to someone so……..(fill in the blank). I tried everything to deal with this, nothing worked. Always a very termporary bandaid. They DO NOT change, no matter how loving, compassionate, etc. you are. Beware of any man who tells you he “needs a strong woman like you” to deal with a “strong” man like him. Your life will be chaos and a roller coaster of mainly disasters. It took me 32 years to… Read more »
Thanks for sharing.
I am recognising some of these charachteristica n my daughter. Her father is also diagnosed narcissist. Can it be genetic? How do o cope with raising a child who makes the rest of the family feel like we are walking on egg shell? I can not afford therapists. Any books on this or good advice. She is very loving and sweet most of the time. But I have recognized the manipulative side of her from dealing with her father and i dont want her growing up to be like that. I want her to be happy amd also not make… Read more »
Make an extra effort to teach and model healthy, empathetic behaviour. Reward kindness, censure or punish selfishness. Teach her to have a healthy self esteem so she’s not tempted to inflate a low one by tearing others down. Let her see and experience the consequences of her actions. Check out the book “Queen Bees and Wannabes” for suggestions on how to reign in a budding queen bee.
Is there really any hope for people with these personality disorders? I have read something similar on sociopaths too.
Do people with these disorders really care about others? And shouldn’t they be forgiven if it is a disorder and not a deliberate attempt?
Again, the one who is hurt will have a different version.
No. No. And No.
They do not change – in fact they get worse with age.
The really tragic part is there are no EARLY signs…by the time you’re aware it’s already too late. It’s important to really understand the red flags. The problem with NPD and similar Axis II Cluster B disorders is the fact that the machinations are stealth. While the various disorders come from different ‘motivations’ it is near impossible to notice anything glaring at first because as mentioned above most of us have a ‘dark side’ or traits. Nonetheless, there are certain things that SCREAM “Red Flag!” and it would be wise to become aware of the various traits as part of… Read more »
Sources? Would love to have them..
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The lack of empathy is most upsetting. The total lack of being able to relate to hurt makes the NPD dangerous. Death is something to celebrate. Pretty much, life is meaningless and they are walking proof of it.
Good article.
I’ve survived 31 years of marriage with a narcisist. I have tried to use the challenge for my personal growth.
It provides meaning and saves me from insanity. I aim to live in my compassion. But being human I grieve a lot for the healthy emotional relationship I long to have . I stay in the relationship to keep the semblence of a normal family for the sake of my children. I could eadily
31 years? Your children are old enough to handle a divorce. That may or may not have been a valid reason to stay in an abusive relationship years ago, and even if it was, this is no longer the case. You still have time to live a fulfilling life if you choose to. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/09/28/5-ways-to-escape-an-abusive-relationship/
Best of luck.
What if you recognize yourself a little bit in a couple of points? such as in points 3 & 4: a fragmented family story and idol worship. Yet you’ve learnt to become much better on not doing both points. Is It possible to be a little bit of a narcissist and also to learn and grow out of it?
Annonymous, a lot of disorders are on a sort of spectrum. We all have a little bit of narcissism, especially during the teenage years. Additionally, the signs here are what the author listed as “subtle”. You likely don’t have much to worry about, but it’s always good to focus on trying to improve our “negatives”.
You’ve pegged one of my last relationships. It was intense, and ,at moments, intensely frightening. One question that lingers in my mind having read the article is: ‘what hope is there for people with this disorder?’ It seems unlikely that they’d seek help, or accept the course of therapy or behavioral modifications that would be prescribed.
Thanks for posting this article. I found quite a bit of truth to it, having had the unfortunate experience of dating a person who displayed strong narcissistic tendencies. It took a huge toll on my confidence and emotional well-being and it’s not something I would wish for anyone to go through. I’m much more aware now of warning signs I need to keep an eye out for when getting to know someone new, and your article is extremely helpful in one’s effort to make better personal choices.