Asking the wrong first date questions can lead to a dating disaster. That’s why you shouldn’t ask these 5 questions on a first date…
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First dates can be confusing, scary, and sometimes boring. Or they can be fun and exciting, especially if you’re armed with some good open-ended questions (and the right potential partner). Even if the person sitting across from you is not quite what you expected, asking the right questions can get an interesting conversation going. You might even learn something about your date that piques your interest.
I’ve written many articles about creative questions to ask on a first date to help you spark a meaningful conversation. The right questions will help you get to know a person’s values, passions, and much more.
This article is not about that. It’s about which questions to NOT ask on a first date. Because what you DON’T say is just as important as what you DO say on a first date.
Have you ever been out on a first date where you or your date said or did something that was shocking, off-putting, or inappropriate? If you’ve been on as many first dates as I have, the answer will probably be YES.
I have heard so many unfortunate things on a first date that ruined a chance of me dating those men again. I must confess, I’ve said a few things I’ve regretted on first dates, too. I was nervous. I was unsure of myself. And bam! Foot goes in mouth.
You can’t do much about the shocking or strange things your date says or does on a first date. You CAN do something about the questions you ask or don’t ask. A little preparation goes a long way towards making a memorable first impression.
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5 Questions You Should NEVER Ask on a First Date
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Are you looking to get married any time soon?
Okay, you might not be that blunt, but if you are dating for marriage or a long-term relationship, find out if you’re both on the same page so you don’t waste precious time with the wrong person. Be a little more subtle than, “Are you looking to get married any time soon?” You can say something like, “I’m tired of going on first dates that don’t lead to a relationship. I’d like to get married again some day. (Emphasis on some day, not next week!) How about you?”
What you don’t want to do is approach every date as an audition for your future spouse, even if that is your end goal. Keep your long-term goal in mind, but remember to be present on every date, whether you want to see him/her again…or not.
You never know—that person who seemed boring on a first date might come to life on the second. Maybe he or she was just nervous, and that’s why they talked nonstop or didn’t display their sense of humor.
When you’re on that first date, see if your date has some of your must-haves and none of your deal-breakers. If that’s the case, go on a second date. If you’re still enjoying his or her company, go on a third date. Slow and steady is usually the path to a healthy long-term relationship or marriage.
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What are you into—sexually speaking?
I probably don’t have to tell you not to ask that question, but I have had clients who were asked about sex before a first date, via text or over the phone. It happened to me, and it may have happened to you, too.
If you’re in a relationship and it does get physical, you’ll know pretty quickly what your partner is like sexually.
If you’re in a relationship and it does get physical, you’ll know pretty quickly what your partner is like sexually.
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If you see that you’re not quite in sync, that would be a good time to gently discuss sexual matters. But NOT when you’ve just met and don’t even know each other. But, you already knew that, didn’t you?
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Why did you break up with your last partner?
While learning about the past relationships and patterns of the person you’re dating can reveal a lot about him or her, a fist date is not the time to talk about the past. People ask questions about why relationships ended, who initiated a divorce, and how many relationships you’ve had since your divorce. I believe they ask these questions because they want to know whether their date is capable of a long-term healthy relationship.
Why dwell on breakups on a first date? This can lead to bitter, angry conversations, especially if the breakup is fresh, and your date hasn’t yet worked through the pain.
You’re just getting to know each other. Focus on the good, not the wounds you might share. Be present with each other. Find out who this person is now, with you, on this date. Hopefully, you’ve healed since your last breakup. Give him or her the benefit of the doubt, that they’ve done the inner work, too.
If you get more seriously involved, there will be plenty of time to discuss past relationships, but why dredge up the past now? What’s the point?
Remember: Who they were with their ex is not necessarily who they’ll be with you.
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How much money do you make? (Or: Do you have a retirement fund?)
You may not ask it as directly as that, but you probably want to know if your date is financially stable, right? While financial responsibility is important in a long-term relationship, it’s not cool to talk about money, income, or spending habits on a first or second date. Instead, on the first date, you want to learn about your date’s relationship to money.
Pay attention to how generous he or she is. Did he or she tip the waiter generously? Complain about not having enough money? How does she talk about her possessions?
Pay attention to how generous he or she is. Did he or she tip the waiter generously?
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Does he define himself by the clothes he wears; brag about the fancy sports car he drives? Does she seem to spend recklessly? Does he talk about how much he lost in the divorce? Pay attention. Those things matter more than the dollar amount he or she earns or has saved.
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How old are you?
If you’re dating online and your date is honest about their age, you’ll know how old they are. Do most people fib about their age on online profiles? Yes. Does it really matter? I don’t think so.
I believe a person’s age matters less than their life experiences and how they’ve dealt with crisis. How youthful is he internally and externally? How does she take care of herself spiritually, mentally, and physically?
Yes, it’s cliché, but for the most part, age is really just a number. Look beyond the number and search for shared values and world view. I have dated men who were ten years younger and ten years older than me. Some of the older men appeared to be much more youthful and spirited than the younger men.
So, pay less attention to the numbers and more attention to what your gut is telling you about how you FEEL when you’re with your date.
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A first date is not an interrogation or an interview. It’s an opportunity to get to know someone new, to show up as your wonderful true self. When you show up as your authentic self, it will be hard for the right person to resist you.
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What’s the worst/most awkward question you ever asked or were asked on a first date? Please share in the comments below.
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Photo: Flickr/Colby Stopa