You probably asked for whatever advice you could find when you got married. Here are five important things from a marriage counselor that nobody told you when you got married.
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When you were younger, you looked around and saw all the happy couples around you. You probably had a few in your mind that you wanted to be like when you grew up, too. So when you were engaged, you did your homework and asked others what it takes to make a happy marriage. You probably read books and talked to your parents. They shared advice and words of wisdom, but there were a few things that nobody told you. If only you had a friend that could fill you in. Well, as a marriage counselor in Denver, that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
1) It’s not your spouse’s job to give you “Happily Ever After.” In the fairy tales, the prince fights dragons and witches for a woman he doesn’t even know just so he can be her hero and bring her a “happily ever after” ending. In real life, it’s unrealistic to expect your spouse to be everything you need to provide you a “happily ever after.” “Happily ever after” happens when both of you work together to meet each other’s emotional needs. They want to work to meet your needs because you’re also working to meet theirs. And you’re working to give each other a “happily ever after.”
2) Marriage is the most rewarding thing, but also the most difficult. When things are going well in your marriage, you’re as happy as you think you could be. But when things aren’t going well, your relationship becomes bland and stale, and you fight. You’re almost miserable.
3) Your happiness in your marriage is your responsibility. Sure, in a marriage your spouse is supposed to be loving and caring. But that doesn’t mean it’s up to them to make you happy. Your happiness is up to you. If you’re not happy in life or your relationship, you ultimately have the responsibility to fix it.
4) Children are the most rewarding thing. A stranger once told me “If I didn’t have kids I would have retired as a millionaire years ago. . . but I’d rather have the kids.” Nobody can really explain the absolute joy and love you feel as a parent — until you become one.
5) Your spouse will change, they’re supposed to. Everybody gets married with the worry that their spouse will change into someone they don’t like. The truth is that your spouse absolutely will change. They’re supposed to, actually. It’s part of the circle of life. When you’re 50, you don’t like the same things you did when you were 20. And you (hopefully) don’t act the same as you did when you were 20. The point, then, is to continue getting to know your spouse through all the changing that you’re both experiencing. In this way, you stay in love with each other even though you’re both different people than when you met.
Knowing these things can help you and your spouse work together on goals in your relationship that will create happiness for both of you. It will also help you both avoid misunderstandings of what your relationship is supposed to be that actually create difficulties.
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Originally posted on FamilyShare.com and is republished on Medium.
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When both feels loving each other unconditionally, then marriage is loving commitment that whatever happens, may there be changes and troubles along the way, both should work together in fixing things that hinders happiness and love. I believe in marriage, and I am very happy to be married to someone who I can love without conditions. Because when two persons feels the same with each other, then that’s called real love. I also believe that a relationship can also survive for a life time without marriage. If two persons unconditionally love each other, where both are willing to do whatever… Read more »
As a marriage counselor, you need to consider all aspects of marriage and how it may relate to all of us. Your comment about kids is offensive, what if your ability to have children is beyond your means? Then you have essentially just told us we can’t achieve a “good” marriage in your eyes. Who are you again? I have never understood how you can put rules to any relationship – the relationship is between the two in the relationship and whatever they work on together works for them. Don’t get me wrong you make good points on the first… Read more »
I agree with, “Your happiness in your marriage is your responsibility.” The divorce rate is ridiculous and I don’t think it has anything to do with “marriage.” It has to do with people entering into marriage that haven’t dealt with their own personal issues beforehand. When the marriage ends in divorce, they have a list of reasons why it didn’t work out and none of them start with “I.” So, what happens when they try it again without figuring out why they got divorced or how they contributed in the first place? More failed expectations and another divorce. I would… Read more »
Mr. Anderson…what a really wonderful and insightful article – for those of us who WANT to be married or better our marriage…For those who disagreed, this article was not for them. I found it timely for my current situation, as a reminder to be realistic…which creates a contentment and peace that truly feels like the fairy tale.
The fairytales I’ve heard or read myself usually ended “And then they lived happily ever after.”
Can’t remember having ever Heard a single one ending with the one person solely making or being supposed to make the other happy ever after… 🙂
Thing is, Yes, ít may not be your partner’s/spouse’e responsibilty to make you happy. But then again, s/he’s hardly supposed to be striving to make your life miserable, either!
Here’s something else nobody told you about marriage. Marriage is nothing but a legal contract granting another person half your stuff, and vice versa. It’s a form of mutual assured destruction, a loaded gun pointed at each other’s head that forces you to stay tied to each other. It couldn’t be easier to get married; just get a license from your county clerk. If you want to get unmarried, however, you’ll have to actually sue your partner and most likely shell out for some hefty legal fees. Seriously. There’s no other way to do it. And if there’s any conflict… Read more »
There are people different than you mate, just see above. If people want to get married then they should.
Des not sound like such an amicable divorce.
Wow, Michael. I hear a lot of bitterness in your comment here. Let me assure you that marriage truly is the most rewarding thing in the world – when you’re the right person. And if you’re not the right person, it can easily turn you into the right person – if you let it. Marriage becomes a ground for personal growth. We can bicker and moan about how our spouse is a jerk, etc. but if we take it as areas for our own self-improvement we find new greatnesses about ourselves we never knew existed.
Hi Aron
Is this your experience as a marriage counselor ?
“””””Let me assure you that marriage truly is the most rewarding thing in the world – when you’re the right person. And if you’re not the right person, it can easily turn you into the right person – if you let it. “””””
You use the word easily.
Do you know the secrete formula for this transformation, when we easily turn in to the right person?
@Aaron Anderson, ” Let me assure you that marriage truly is the most rewarding thing in the world – when you’re the right person. And if you’re not the right person, it can easily turn you into the right person – if you let it. Marriage becomes a ground for personal growth.” I scoff at the notion. This seems like a lot of idealism Aaron. You need ‘the right person’, or ‘if you let it’, or ‘grounds for personal growth.’ Yes, these are all possibilities. So is winning the Powerball! Probable, but highly unlikely. We need to not just look… Read more »
Spot-on, Michael. People can commit to each other without marriage. Marriage is just the legal way to punish for failing to remain committed. It doesn’t even have anything to do with love. People can marry without loving each other. People can remain married to someone whom they no longer love. Traditionally, the purpose of marriage was for the orderly disposition of property, including the wife and children. The idea that marriage must include and be preceded by love and romance is a fairly modern contrivance resulting from the growing social and legal independence of both men and women. A marriage… Read more »
All 5 of these come down to one thing. It takes work, effort and a will to make a marriage work. Without these, almost every relationship is doomed to fail.
I agree with all, except # 4. I find that a very derogatory statement that insults both childless-by-choice couples and couples struggling with infertility. Everything else, YES. Especially #1.
I’m with you on that. It is not a universal that having kids is joy for everyone.
All those things are good and yes, we are continually evolving people. But my partner and I have been together 14 and have not had children. We are very, very happy and spend much time with all our nieces and grand-nieces – we have endless joy with them.
Because we don’t have children we have more time to care for my mom who is in her 80s. We help her and spend wonderful, quality time with her on a continual basis.
I don’t think that not having children has made our lives any less.
This is a very truthful and well written article! The pessimism surround marriage is often a cloak that people wear to avoid confronting their short comings. It is must easier to blame phantom causes for eliminating happiness. It is significantly harder to turn around and look at the cause in the mirror.
The only thing I would add to this list is that disagreements- not necessarily fighting- are supposed to happen and are natural. Those movies with the wife and husband being cheerful about everything is freakishly weird and off putting!
Well said Brandy! Too many people thing that any disagreement is a fight. That’s not necessarily the case. In fact, disagreements are supposed to happen. It helps you and your spouse grow together, actually. Thanks for your input!
Oh, before I forget …. What came to mind is that a lot of people these days set themselves up expecting to fail. Men and Women are often told to set up their own bank accounts and such, So IMO, they’re coming out the gate with an expectation of failure. My wife is the book keeper of the house, when we got married she ordered our checks that said “Mr. and Mrs. Tom Brechlin” Duhhhhh. She changed the checks shortly after ;;; ya gotta love her 🙂
I don’t know what the heck is going on. I like all your points in that they are all correct. I wish people would talk to couples who have married for many years. I don’t consider my wife and I being one of those couples but I guess by todays standards, we are an old married couple. When I tell people we’ve been married for 38 years, they look at us with amazement. To me, there isn’t anything amazing about it. I come from a time that it was normal. At my daughters wedding, the married couples dance, the only… Read more »
I believe #1 together with #3 is the most important one. I am sick of hearing people say „I won’t marry ever, it’s too risky, just look at the divorce rates these days.“ It’s like they think there are annual divorce rates fixed by the government and then there is a divorce draft lottery and then unsuspecting happy couples get a letter ordering them to divorce right away. Know what I mean? Even if 90% of all people’s marriages were falling apart after a year, there’s no reason I can’t make it better. That’s why I am not afraid to… Read more »