Boys, Men, All: You don’t need to have it all figured out right now.
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Tomorrow is my middle son’s 8th grade promotion. His school does the whole graduation ceremony with speeches, the band playing Pomp and Circumstance, and promotion certificates. Say what you will about whether we even need middle school graduation, but I’ll tear up both happy and sad reflecting on how quickly my son is growing up.
Just as your parents are probably reflecting, I, too, am considering my son’s journey toward adulthood. You’re probably swimming in unsolicited advice, but I’m going to throw mine in here, too. Perhaps someday you’ll find it comforting.
It’s OK to be afraid
Graduating can bring a lot of emotions to the surface. Maybe you’re excited or relieved or sad. These feels are all normal and they’re all pretty easy to show.
One of the hardest feelings to allow is fear. We tell little boys to be brave, to be strong, to be confident. We suck at letting you be afraid. We think we’re helping by telling you to “man up” or push away what we deem to be unmasculine feelings.
Graduating is one of the biggest rites of passage. Now you’re really an adult. No one has to take care of you anymore (although that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone). You’ve lived long enough to realize that life is complicated and messy and uncertain. Change is hard. And you’re facing a lot of it right now.
Let yourself be afraid. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you “less than”. It makes you real. It makes you whole.
I want you to know that fear is normal. It’s actually helpful. What do you think happened to those cavemen who didn’t feel afraid? Yes, let fear in, listen to it when it’s helpful and also know you can tell it to shut up when its usefulness is done.
You don’t need to have it all figured out
You’re supposed to know what to do next – where you’re going to school, what you’ll major in, where you’ll live, or where you’ll work. It’s nice when life wraps up in neat little packages like that so you can give Grandma and Uncle Bill all the “right” answers at your graduation party.
Well, most of you don’t have it all figured out. And we shouldn’t expect you to.
You are a work in progress (like all of us). You don’t have to know what you want to do for the rest of your life. I don’t even know how we came to think this is a reasonable expectation.
I went off to college planning to major in arts administration (thinking I’d manage a dance company or something). Turned out that I hated it. I transferred colleges and majored in psychology (still not really knowing what the Hell I’d do with it). I didn’t have it all figured out in so many ways. And you don’t have to have it all figured out either. Trust that it will come.
Make your own definition of success
Graduation puts a lot of emphasis on your accomplishments. We’re proud of you for all you’ve accomplished, but you’re more than this. Not everything important can be measured and put on a certificate.
Maybe success is a long list of awards, trophies, and accolades behind your name. Maybe it’s an Ivy League college or how much you make. Or maybe it isn’t. I’d like to suggest there are other measures of success, but it’s up to you. You don’t have to live up to society, your parents, or your friends’ definition of success. It’s time to start living your life.
You will fail
Commencement addresses like to pump you up, to tell you you’re invincible, the world is your oyster. That’s all well and good, but no matter what success looks like to you, you’re still going to screw up. Failure, mistakes, and regrets are certainties of life. Embrace them as proof that you’re trying and learning, and taking chances. Perhaps you’ve already experienced the agony of defeat or maybe your parents tried to protect you from failing. Well, part of being an adult is realizing that no one can protect your from failure. Take responsibility, figure out how to do better, and forgive yourself.
Your gifts are needed
We don’t need another Mark Zuckerberg or Steph Curry. We need you. And we need you to be the best version of you possible.
It’s totally fine if you don’t know what all your strengths are quite yet. They will continue to unfold throughout your life. For now, just know you have gifts. You have important gifts that no one else has.
It took me a long time to realize that I don’t need to be like everyone else and I don’t need to make everyone else happy. I hope you’ll figure this out sooner than I did.
Be yourself. Know that you’re enough. Know that you matter.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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