Bacon’s been behaving badly. Jarad Dewing’s here to intervene.
Thanks for coming. First, I want to say you are part of a delightful, magical animal. We’ve been slicing, curing, and frying you for centuries and you’ve rarely let us down. That streaky, crispy flesh… that peculiar curl of mahogany… that unctuous, salty melting fat…
All carnivores worship you.
But bacon, we’re concerned that you’ve followed the dark path of The Fonz and jumped the shark. It’s gone too far. Your 15 minutes of fame have ended and it seems like you’re still clinging to the curtain, begging for one last bow. Our glorious cut of pig tummy lost its way, like so many stars turning to a life of drugs and meaningless romps in the dressing room.
This is hard for all of us, but you’re not alone. We’ve gathered here today, bacon, because we love you and we’re worried about you. Every damn day, we shake our heads at you. You have forsaken your friends, family, and true fanbase for a glimpse of stardom and it wrecked you, man. I don’t even recognize you anymore. You’ve changed. This is your intervention.
Exhibit A: Bacon VodkaGiven the surge in demand for unique vodkas – everything from birthday cake to Sriracha – we understand your need to “get in the game.” But even this is beneath you, bacon. You’re a role model for flavors everywhere. This vodka tastes like someone consumed four pounds of roadkill opossum with a pint of nail polish remover, peed on the aforementioned birthday cake, and then wrung it out like a shower loofah into the bottle. Have some self-respect.
Exhibit B: Bacon LollipopsWe’ve all appreciated your long-lasting relationship with maple, bacon. You two work well together. We enjoy your partnership on doughnuts and in sauces. When your career goals peak at “weird Jolly Rancher on a stick,” you must know that your friends and family raise our eyebrows in collective judgment. Nothing says “I’ve stopped caring about myself” like allowing your porky essence to be congealed with high-fructose corn syrup and labeled as MAN BAIT.
Exhibit C: Bacon ChipsI distinctly remember having this conversation with you, bacon, when hedgehog-flavored crisps were available in the UK. Remember that? Of course you don’t, you were high on sucrose during your phase of mainlining maple sap directly from trees. That probably influenced this decision, didn’t it, bacon? Did you even think about this before you signed that contract? There are only four acceptable flavors of potato chips: Plain, Barbecue, Salt & Vinegar, and Sour Cream & Onion. Everyone knows that. But you had to push the envelope, didn’t you? I hear your cry for help. We all do.
Exhibit D: Bacon SodaThere are a few things that don’t mix in this world. Pleather pants and goatees, for example. You can’t mimic the wondrous experience of bacon sizzling in a pan by pouring synthetic flavoring into a whirring machine and adding carbonation. You can’t fake it, bacon. Just because it fizzes doesn’t mean it’s delicious. You’ve become the Guns N’ Roses of meat products – you promise awesomeness, and deliver indigestion.
Exhibit WTF: Bacon LubricantIf I had words, I’d use them. Now I’m bawling, and there’s snot dribbling out of my nose onto my sweater and I swear, bacon, I swear I will make you pay for this. I’m sorry… that was unproductive. Look, you’ve clearly gone down a path, and I’m here to tell you that journey is fraught with misery. I love you, and I want good things for you, but this isn’t it. Why are you selling yourself short? Why don’t you realize your full potential? That woman is wearing a snout, ferchrissakes! You can do so much better, bacon. I know you can. Please. For all of us who love you – get help.
Photos via: Thomas Ricker/flickr, Edenpictures/flickr, Magic Robot/flickr, J&D Foods. Top image via Wikipedia, modified per Creative Commons.
I learned that bacon for breakfast had a connection with Sigmund Freud. Apparently his brother in law was in the pork business at the time Sigmund was becoming a public figure of respect. Somehow, this brother in law convinced Sigmund to promote a bacon and eggs breakfast as important for good mental health. This was done to simply sell more pork. Now look where we are at with our bacon obsessed society. If Sigmund had promoted oatmeal the nations health might have been forever changed. Do your own research but that was how the modern breakfast of bacon and eggs… Read more »
I can’t start to explain how much I love this. We need to just let bacon be great on it’s own (or I mean, in a club sandwich or wrapped around scallops or in omelets…and candied with maple is ok too, but you obviously get my point).