My wife and I are getting separated. I’ve thought long and hard on how to react to this turn of events. As much as I try to resist, one thing comes up over and over in my heart and mind—treat your ex-wife with love and respect. In order to motivate myself for this daunting task, I came up with 5 reasons to treat my ex-wife like a goddess.
1. She was a goddess at one time
When I first saw a picture of my wife on Yahoo Personals, I thought she was way out of my league, yet unlike many other women I reached out to, she responded to my email in a heartfelt authentic manner.
We began a conversation via email that delved into issues of cultural identity, heartbreak, and future dreams. By the time I met her in person, my heart was smitten. She turned out to be more beautiful and gracious in person than the glamour shots she sent me. She was a goddess in my eyes and my heart.
After marriage, children, financial and social hardship, we both morphed into monstrous versions of our former selves. She took on the characteristics of anger and resentment, while I donned the cold, bitter cloak of indifference.
If I look real closely, however, I can still see the goddess my ex-wife once was beneath the scowls, crossed arms, and screaming demands. I also take responsibility for my part in creating this angry version of the goddess I once worshiped.
2. She is the mother of my children
My ex-wife spent 14 hours in labor with our first son. She pushed vigorously for two straight hours refusing to have a C-section. Although the birth of our second son was not as dramatic, she still carried him for seven and a half months while working full-time.
If I don’t honor her as the mother of my sons, then I am taking for granted the miraculous presence of Jett and Fox in my life. If I want my sons to have loving relationships with women, especially their mother, I need to role model how men treat women and mothers.
Regardless of all the conflict, hurtful words, and trespasses I feel my wife has launched at me, she is still a mother. All mothers deserve respect, as do all humans. Honoring my ex-wife as a mother casts a different light on our relationship. Yes, we are separated, but we are still connected by the thread of creation. We will always be parents together. As co-creators, we are, in a sense, divine.
3. She will always be a part of my life
I still see my ex-wife every week when I drop off the children, but even if I moved to a different country, she would still be a part of my life. She is part of my history, my love life, my karma. I can’t erase all our past experiences, feelings, and connections.
For example, whenever I look at other women, I see them through the lens that is colored by my ex. Are they as tall as she is, as educated? Do they display the same lack of forgiveness?
As an integral part of my life, my ex-wife constructs my present reality. If I don’t embrace everything in my life, then I am not living what Brené Brown calls a whole-hearted life. If every time I think of, see, or interact with my ex, I feel a tinge of anger, resentment, or irritation, then I will never experience true joy, bliss, love, and connection.
4. She is the divine feminine
As a woman, my ex-wife gives me privileged access to the divine feminine. Regardless of what our marital status states, she is still a part of my wholeness.
She is a creator. She is a nurturing caregiver. She has strengths and powers that I will never completely comprehend or understand. If I cannot honor this divine feminine in my ex-wife, than I can’t honestly hold space with any women.
5. Peace of mind
When I judge others, I lose peace of mind. When I honor others, even in their humanness, I feel much better about life, relationships, and the present moment. I’ve wasted far too much time gnashing my teeth and wringing my hands while ruminating all they ways my ex-wife has treated me unjustly.
I’ve found peace of mind to be the most important factor in my happiness, health, relationships, and spiritual practice. The easiest way for me to get peace of mind is to treat others like I would like to be treated. I would love to be treated like the divine being that I am, so I will treat my ex-wife like the goddess that she is.
Surprisingly, just writing this article gives me hope for future relationships, love, and happiness. I know that practicing this mindset will be far more difficult than penning these words, but I also know what it is like to do the opposite, and that is motivation enough to change my ways.
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This post has been republished to Medium.
Photo: iStock
You are insane
Bro this is not typical I can assure you. I’ve tried to be a good man and she takes and takes and doesn’t ever meet half way. My ex is a bitch and it gets worse daily. I hate it
Good day! I could have sworn I’ve been to this web site
before but after browsing through many of the articles I
realized it’s new to me. Regardless, I’m definitely happy I came across it
and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back regularly!
I don’t know about the rest of the men who have read this article, but the author never met my soon-to-be ex-wife. After 31/2 years of torture from a woman who decided she hated me, turned my kids against me and did whatever she could to wreck my life, no island beatnik is going to convince me my wife is a goddess; maybe an a witch from the fire down below, but not a goddess. I marvel at, and I guess appreciate, your affection for a woman who threw you aside like garbage for her independence, your money and other… Read more »
It has been a few months since your post and I find your experience and sentiments paralleling mine. Have you been able to stick to the high bar despite so many external sources advising otherwise? It’s been a tough road with plenty of emotions to deal with, but I have been hangin in there. Good to see I am not alone.
Hi Makala (I will get used to that) – I’m finally catching up a little with all the changes in your life over the past year (?) Much has changed it seems, you not least I’ll bet.
Sorry to hear your sadness and heartbreak, and that your marriage didn’t survive your growth. It doesn’t matter, and at some level I think you know that – it’s all the path The Mystery has laid out for you to evolve. We’re just being done. And I know you know that. Much love
Alison
The fact you’re apparently a relationship counselor is worrisome to me, because this… dynamic you have with your ex seems seriously unhealthy. I’m a little worried about the men who come to you for help. Not the women, as I’m sure a number of them love the idea of being referred to as a goddess by their exes.
Divorce is a different experience for everyone. I’ve seen both the ugly and the good side. My own parents had a bad marriage, and bad divorce. My father spent the next 20 + years trashing her in any way he could, and then when she died, he collapsed and cried like a baby, in front of his now 4th wife. My mother told me the kind of man my father was, and then told me to make my own decision. I tried to always think the best of him, but eventually I realized she was right. My husband was married… Read more »
The perfect ex-husband (if you have kids together): Moves on with his life and doesn’t blame you for his problems, recognizes and respects boundaries, sends respectful and constructive communications regarding the children, respects your schedule and time, is honest, uses his manners, stays out of your personal life.
The perfect ex-husband (if you didn’t have kids together): moves on with his life.
Nah. In my case, the damn bitch is just plain crazy.
I think it’s a shame that you couldn’t find a way to better articulate the troubles you have with your ex then using a pretty awful name that’s often used against women to degenerate them in combination with a stereotyped characterization women often get thrown at them too. If you wouldn’t say the “n-word” then don’t say the “b-word” either. If you dislike how men are stereotyped – and I’m assuming you do because you are reading the GMP after all – extend the same to women. You may actually find that women have more respect for a man that’s… Read more »
Here you go on your rubbish PC bullcrap trying to turn women to victims at every corner. Your less concerned with any problem Mark had or has than trying to ensure that you never have to face any situation that you find even the slightest offence too. And then we are supposed to believe women are strong and independent. Bitch isn’t a stereotype extended to all women. Its a name used by both men and women to describe an unruly or unreasonable and combative woman. We have names for men too. They don’t stereotype men but rather offer blunt ways… Read more »
Erin, do you ever use the word asshole? Creep? Dick? jackass? (Jackass is literally the same as bitch, being the term for a male animal, by the way) If so then you’re being a bloody hypocrite.
You don’t know Mark’s history with his ex, or what she might have done to him. Get off your high horse.
Hey there, I get your article and what you are trying to do. BUT, every situation is different and separation has so many stages that its natural to feel this way at the beginning of a break up. I did. My ex and I separated and she chose to end the marriage and take no responsibility for her role in it. We decided to co-parent our children together on an equal basis which was great. I found a good place and made peace with my separation. I embraced my new life and was grateful for my previous one. THEN. My… Read more »
This is absolutely absurd. I do believe in treating others with respect and dignity but you have to have boundaries. If he is looking at every other woman through the lens of his ex he will never be able to find a lasting healthy relationship because HE IS OBVIOUSLY STILL IN LOVE WITH HIS EX!!! Am I the only one seeing that here?! If my husband even hinted anything remotely close to goddess in regards to his ex wife I would be extremely concerned. I have an ex whom I have kids with. I think of him like a distant… Read more »
If my current husband felt this way about his ex I would 1) never have went on a date with him and 2) wonder why he even divorced her.
Respect, yes. Co-parent, yes.
Treat an ex like a Goddess? No.
Save that for the woman who returns the sentiment.
1. Your wife is a flawed human just like everyone else. 2. Women have been giving birth to children and being mothers for 100,000s of years. Add to that so have every other animal on this planet. It doesnt’t make her some spacial god or even unique. It makes her a woman. 3. You are letting your ex define you moving forward. Wouldn’t suggest that is healthy. 4. She is a ‘goddess’ because vagina? or was it access to said vagina? Not sure we would give status to any man because ‘penis’. 5. And then you learn that people are… Read more »
I do not thing that he is insinuating that his wife isn’t flawed. I also find your comment around trying to down-play the specialness around women giving birth strange. Do you think having a baby is easy? Do you think that it’s not a wonderful sacrifice on a woman’s part to completely change her body so that two of them can bring life in the world? Women do this everyday with the high possibility that their bodies will never be the same again by carrying another human around for 9 months WHILE also still doing all the regular day-to-day tasks… Read more »
So you missed the whole ‘goddess’ part then? So basically you’ve pointed out all the things that mammals have been doing for millions of years. Does that make them special and worthy of ‘goddess’ status? Your ability to give birth is not special, its not amazing, Its not some unique power you have. 50% of the population have the potential to give birth. Its not like building a house where you have to design, procure materials, and construct by hand. All you do is have sex. Then biology does the rest and hey presto – baby. In fact the mid… Read more »
What a great article. I am sure every women in the world who is divorced, or divorcing, wishes their ex saw them as you see, and strive to treat, your ex. I wish mine did.
Thanks, Rebecca. I actually wish my ex would see me as this way as well, but I have no control over that. The only thing I control is how I see and treat others, so I’m following Gandhi’s advice and “being the change I want to see in the world.” 🙂
Perhaps if you didn’t, apparently, worship the ground she walks on, she’d have more respect for you. Gods don’t respect mere mortals, and people don’t offer respects to doormats
This article is the biggest crock of @*€% I’ve read. Ever!! Please do the world a favor and NEVER try to start a fresh new relationship with another woman. It will never work. It would be cruel to tell another woman you love her, while having these feelings for your Ex. Give me a break!