Why do men need to “test drive” relationships when they really want to settle down?
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One of my clients (I’ll just call him Bob) met a woman (I’ll call her Elaine) in our club at his first Social. It was instant chemistry and they started dating immediately.
Eight months later, Elaine is happy in her relationship and is talking about future plans that include marriage.
Bob, on the other hand…. not so much. Just to clarify: Bob is very happy in the relationship with Elaine. However, Bob is terrified at the thought of meeting another woman after marrying Elaine and falling in love (or in lust) with her. Bob reminds me of a woman who walks into a store, falls in love with a dress and does not buy it because she thinks another store may carry something better.
So off she goes: from store to store, looking at all the dresses and buying none.
And for my male readers—think of it as buying a car: you test-drive a BMW, and you love it. But right next door is a Mercedes Dealership. So off you go to test-drive a Mercedes. And just when you think you may love the new one, you notice a Range Rover on your way home. Six months later, you are still driving your old Chevy because each car you test drive is better than the next.
So you are continuing to test drive all of them—and buying none.
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In today’s world of online dating, Bob is not alone in thinking that there is an endless pool of potential dates that he is yet to exhaust. All one has to do is click a button and test drive yet another shiny new toy. This one may be even better than the last—so why stop test-driving? The irony is that Bob really wants to settle down. He is in his early forties and is ready to get married and start a family.
Bob is just not letting himself make a decision.
Bob has the need to keep test-driving. Bob’s case is severe—after a few coaching sessions, I recommended that he sees a professional therapist, which he is currently doing in the hopes of resolving his issues.
What about you? Are you letting your “test-driving needs” get in the way of your happiness?
Let’s examine some of the signs:
1. Even though you’ve been seeing the same girl for four months, you have not deleted your Match.com profile.
2. You periodically text your ex-girlfriends “just to keep in touch.”
3. You find yourself fantasizing about life with random women you see on the street, wondering if it would be better than your current relationship.
4. You avoid conversations about commitment.
5. You justify your refusal to commit by saying that you would rather not have a relationship than have one you will need to break.
Sound familiar?
If so, you may be talking yourself out of falling in love. If that’s the case—I recommend you consult a dating coach. It may be just a matter of a few dating behaviors on which you need to work. Or it could be something more deeply rooted, in which case therapy can be helpful.
Whatever the case, please allow yourself to be helped.
Allow yourself a chance to fall in love. You may like it!
Are you afraid to commit to a relationship? Consult a Dating Coach. Schedule your consultation today!
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Photo credit: iStock
This essay originally appeared on NYSocials, and has been republished to Medium.
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And thank you for sharing this!
Very few men get to do all the “test driving” that you talk about. That is really the world about 20%-30% of the most attractive and highly sought after men by women. The reality is that it is women who do most of the test driving. This is what renders so many men as semi disposable. I think women get bored pretty quickly. We also have to consider the life stages of men and women. It drives their motives for wishing to settle down. If a woman is in her 30s and is now ready for a stable relationship, family,… Read more »
The article makes the readers think that there is something wrong with men. The fact is that women decide too early, and men wait too long to marry. But, in the end, it evens out. But, even with that fact, 50% of couples end up in divorce. Clearly, we are still doing a poor job of matching up with a good partner. Men have a lot to lose when they marry. Divorce often is not favorable to men. Men rarely get custody, and can pay for the rest of their lives. But, to be fair sometimes women get cheated too.… Read more »
Personally I think the only group worse at discerning good matches than men are their mothers.
I find it strange that this article isn’t about Elaine and how she fits all of the five signs of relationship avoidance. In my experience of being (re)single and dating in my 40’s, I have only observed women exhibiting this sort of behavior
I want to have a relationship but after sometime I feel I might be better off alone. but this I want to be with someone. But I also have too many negative thoughts in mind. I want to commit suicide. not out of anger or sadness but because life is meaningless. any suggestions
“5. You justify your refusal to commit by saying that you would rather not have a relationship than have one you will need to break.”
I disagree. It’s because men haven’t justified getting married, which is what most people envision when they say settle down.
In the past marriage was an expectation and thus to some extent an obligation. If marriage is the goal then other things become secondary. We as a society have come to view happiness and fulfillment as the goal. Unless marriage and children support that goal, it will be avoided.
Agreed!
Pretty much. Men and women were both expected to get married and have kids as a part of their gender roles. The difference now is that women that decide not to marry are “strong and independent” and men that decide not to marry are “childish and insecure”