Sarafina asks only that you not judge her as she challenges the assumptions most people make when they find out she has been abused.
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Five –
I’m not weak.
I, legitimately, walk the planet on a daily basis knowing that there is someone out there that wants to physically harm me. I live knowing that, at any minute, Mike could return. And I’m only able to do this because on a hot July afternoon I picked up my broken body from the concrete floor and limped out of the door, without looking backward. Nobody else did that for me. Nobody was there to protect me from the madness, nor did they hold me by the arm while I walked on a strained ankle and battered knee. I was in so much pain that I wanted to crawl. But I didn’t, knowing that if I took even a second longer than necessary he might kill me. Weakness wasn’t an option. Strength is what allowed me to survive. And it kept me alive every day before and every day after.
It wasn’t easy to come home to a house that didn’t have electricity or running water. It was heartbreaking to have my car repossessed two days after I made the decision to leave. Trying to find a job, without a car, was embarrassing and difficult. But I did it. And I lived in a home for the next several months knowing that, at any moment, he could walk back into my life (and my house) because he knew where I was and he knew that my back window was broken out (because he shattered it with his left fist).
Survivors of domestic abuse are strong. We fought our own disease. Don’t ever doubt that. It’s offensive. It’s appalling. It’s also the easiest way to find yourself outside of my circle of friends. I’m not asking you to understand what I’ve been through, but I am asking you to understand that my strength is there.
Four –
Abuse rearranged my beliefs. Yours are only yours. Don’t try to pawn them off on me.
Abuse changes everything. Before my abuse I searched for answers about religion. I wasn’t sure who made decisions or why they were made, but I wanted to find out. I looked for answers in churches and conversations. But when things began to become abusive and I seriously questioned whether or not I’d be given the opportunity to wake up the following morning, I became an evangelical Christian. I PRAYED and pleaded and THANKED god that he was there, looking over me and keeping me alive. I knew that he had a message for me…that I was there for a reason. I stayed, longer than I should have stayed, because my faith in the lord was strong enough that I ‘knew’ I would live.
Yet something changed inside of me during that time and now I say this almost every day: when you are slammed against a concrete wall and thrown down a flight of stairs…when YOU are YOUR ONLY HOPE for survival and no higher being is there to lift you out of an awful situation, your hope lies within your own heart. I knew I had to get out. I knew I was the only one PERSON who could save myself. And I still know that. My savior? Myself. When you tell me that god helped me get out of the situation, and to thank him for that, it takes away from the strength and courage that I had to conjure. No higher power got me out of that house. It was my feet, my heart, and my strength. It was me.
Three –
Dating isn’t the answer.
If dating were the answer, I would’ve started already. Yes, at some point, I have to start seeing other people again, but I deserve to (and will) give myself enough time to feel ready before I allow someone to buy me dinner. I already understand that I won’t ever feel fully ready to date, but respect me enough to let me make the choice for myself. When the day comes that I say, “Okay. I want to try this again,” your help will be appreciated. Until then, questioning my readiness only pushes me further away from the idea. I’m not ready because I don’t trust anyone that I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t trust a lot of people who I do know. I have to retrain my brain. I have to accept myself. I have to feel strong enough that I won’t second guess every move I make. I still do that with friends. How could I ever create a successful relationship from that? I couldn’t. So please stop trying to tell me that I should.
Two –
I won’t get over it…soon.
I can’t get over it because my life has been forever changed. Downplaying the severity isn’t helpful; it’s denial. Acknowledgement and acceptance are necessary.
Some days are easier than others; I know it’s getting better. Yet there are days that I’m crying before I get out of bed. I don’t want to leave my apartment. I’m angry and sad and scared. The world isn’t one that seems to hold opportunity on those days. It’s a place that swallows me whole. On those days I have to remind myself that I was in such a devastatingly bad place a year prior. I have to allow myself to cry in the shower, so that I can keep it together during the work day. I have to be angry on the way to work, and I have to remind myself that I wasn’t allowed to feel anything for two years of my life. I wasn’t allowed to be human, so how can I expect myself to act like I am human?
Every week I feel stronger, even though I’m digging into the issues further and further in therapy. I do feel better…but just because my recovery doesn’t fit your needs doesn’t make my small steps any less significant for me. I am moving forward. If you can’t handle the pace, then just don’t say anything at all. I will get there. Your doubt and criticism prolong the recovery process.
One –
Never ask me why I stayed.
If an abuser was abusive from day one, there isn’t a woman in the world that would stay. Mike was charming, he was romantic and understanding. He took care of me, complimented me, and made me feel as if I was the only girl who had ever made him feel loved. He listened. Mike helped me heal a wound in my heart from my previous relationship. He was everything that was missing from every relationship I’d ever been in. What 26-year-old girl, looking for love, wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that?
I’d talked up his dedication and love to my friends and family. I’d beamed with pride when I thought about my relationship. We were in love and we were great together, so it wasn’t exactly easy to admit to anyone that things had changed.
When things began to turn, when the verbal manipulation began, I saw this as the man who I loved changing…and I needed to do whatever it took to fix the problem and make things go back to the way they once were. So I devoted my free time to ‘fixing’ the issues because then I wouldn’t have to eat my words. I bent over backwards to make sure he was happy. For awhile, it worked.
But anyone that has ever been in an abusive relationship will tell you that right when you think you’ve ‘fixed’ something, your attempts aren’t good enough anymore. More is expected of you. And, by the time you realize this is the cycle, you’ve already given up so many things in your own life that you feel like you’re trapped. If you try to leave, he’s going to come after you. If you stay, you’ll eventually get to the point where he’s happy. He can’t really expect the world from you…so you just have to reach his expectation.
Why did I stay?
I stayed because I loved him. I stayed because I thought that I could help him. I stayed because I have a heart that works the way a normal heart should work. It’s one that tries to love unconditionally and doesn’t assume others will meet their expectations. It’s one that assumed that a man who treated me so well was only suffering from something else. Maybe if his mother was nicer to him. Maybe if his dad didn’t expect so much of his time at the office. Maybe if his son’s mother wasn’t such a bitch. Maybe if he could find a medication that would actually help with his ADD. Maybe if he hadn’t taken steroids in college. Maybe.
I stayed because I was trying to solve a problem. My heart kept me there for a long time…
…and then he put a gun to my head.
He picked it up off of the top of the refrigerator and cackled his manipulative laugh. He turned around, put his hand on my shoulder, and I could feel the cold metal of the barrel on my temple. He said he loved me so much that he could kill me. He laughed again. And then the gun was placed back on top of the refrigerator, where it hung just out of reach. But it was close enough that he could grab it if he wanted. And it was close enough that I could see it while I was cleaning the kitchen. It was a constant reminder that he could kill me.
And I was never left alone anymore, so I couldn’t escape. I wasn’t allowed to be out of his eyesight. He got me a job at his office so that I could be there with him all day too. I was trapped in his life.
So I stayed because I didn’t want to die. Because somewhere inside of me I knew that if I tried to escape he’d pull down the gun again. And he’d load my head with bullets. But staying meant I’d have a chance at another day.
A list of 1,000 reasons why I stayed wouldn’t ever appease someone who’s never been in my shoes. And that’s fine. But the bottom line is that when you ask me why I stayed, it puts the blame on me. It alleviates Mike of any of the blame. Why did I stay? I stayed for a million reasons. Why don’t you ask why I left? Or why he was abusive? Or if I’m still scared?
Don’t ask me why I stayed. The answer is far too large and confusing. And I’ll never give you the answer that you want me to give, because no answer I give you will make you understand. I know that. And I think deep down you do too. So just let it rest. And let me rest too.
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This post first appeared on the blog Future4Fina.
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I really need help with my situation
The last piece of advice, not to ask about why you stayed… I have been mentally exhausting myself with that question for a long time when it comes to my partner. I don’t bring it up, that would just be disrespectful. Instead that question just sits inside my mind and rears its ugly head now and again. You put it in all in perspective though. I won’t ever understand, and no answer can make me understand it any better. All this time I could have been wondering or even asking about different things that mattered, like the questions you suggested.… Read more »
I went through similar experiences. It’s is hard to leave no there are threats that he will keep our children, hurt our pets. My ex left pictures of his cross bow and machetes on the computer table and on the kitchen table. Eventually when he was beating me, our daughter was able get out and run to a neighbor’s. I got out.
Its impossible to plan an exit from a relationship when survival demands you plan a trip across the kitchen
This hit me right in the feels.
Been there. We need to continue to raise awareness. Allow yourself all the time you need to heal. I didn’t and it only came back to bite me. Big love ❤️
yes it is very hard to be abused by your mate i know how that is. i was married to abusive man for years. it nearly kill me, i went to alanon to finally have the courage to leave him. i had a daughter that wanted to live with her dad. its been 17 years since we have talked. and she takes up for him. so i know how u feel.
.
One of the things you say in this article spoke to me — Abuse changes you. This is so true. I am changed.
Before abuse, I wasn’t scared all of the time. Before abuse, I didn’t feel like hiding all of the time. Before abuse, I was so open and friendly and now I am closed off and shy. Abuse did change me.
I started a relationship with a a woman who was been abused by the men in her life , one of them killed their three month old son . It has been six months and her walls came up . I know it is a self preservation thing . What can I do to help her ?
I recently got dumped by a woman who was abused in her prevouis relationship 6 years ago. I knew of these things since date 3. I was very supportiveto her, very loving. But after one year she ended because she is not ready to commit, her fear remains of it all going wrong. I feel like I have lost my future and some beautiful children to. Very sad but I wish she would the support needed as it affects her children too.
just read this after talking with someone i care very deeply about, but admittedly i knew very little about how bad abuse can be, explains a lot about how and why they are the way they are.
thanks to your article i doubt i’ll be stepping on their toes or being too pushy or anything now
Sarafina, A wise person once said “You must participate in your own rescue”. Being a passive victim is not good for you or as a model for other victims. And it is flawed thinking that doing nothing will somehow appease Mike and keep you safe. If anything, it will ensure that the abuse will continue if you try to enforce any kid of boundaries.. St Louis has a wealth of resources for abused women under VAWA and local programs. Stand up for yourself and get rid of him. You might be surprised to find how quick he changes his tune… Read more »
All this applies to men too. I found it almost impossible to speak about it, especially as a man, being seen as weak and helpless. In fact, going through that and coming out of the other side actually proved that I’m stronger than most.
wow I am so glad I found this as I have recently meet a beautiful women that I am crazy about and have become friends with but noticed she was a little slow to warm up to me but we are great friends now and she told me the story of her last relationship with a man that abused her she knows how I feel I tell her everyday she is beautiful and I told her I wanted to have a relationship with her but only when she is ready that I will wait and be there for her no… Read more »
Listen up guys . Do NOT date or get serious about chicks who have been mentally or physically abused by past ex’s . They will bring the anger and manipulation to the next bunch of dudes they date. If you are good to them, they will treat you badly. Especially if you are kind and show genuineness . Save yourself the headache , or just have fun with them with no strings attached . ( The Best Way. Don’t player hate now ladies)…. It is almost impossible for a girl to get over past abuse . She will play head… Read more »
Just wow….
I can’t believe how insensitive you are about this subject. As a counselor with multiple degrees in psychology and sociology, I can’t even begin to explain the damage that physical and emotional abuse can do to a person. You may have been burned by a woman who claimed that these were her issues so in order to make yourself feel better about rejection, you are blaming external factors. I by any means don’t hate players, they can do their thing. What I have a huge distaste for are insensitive a**holes who make it obvious as to why they are still… Read more »
I just want to say thank you for writing this. I was in an abusive relationship similar to yours and got out of it about a year ago. These points just really hit close to home(especially 1 and 2). It’s been a huge struggle moving on from the mental and emotional abuse and, like you had said, that I wasn’t allowed to feel human. It’s very hard for me to share how I feel with other people because I had been so brainwashed into thinking how I felt and what I thought didn’t matter. I have a family member who… Read more »
It’s not just women who suffer domestic abuse–it’s men as well, and all of this still holds true.
As a survivor of an incredibly abusive relationship with a much older individual who was also addicted to drugs, this just beautifully encompasses everything I could never really explain.
I agree with most of this article. Before having been in the situation I was one of those people who didn’t understand why women stayed but you said it so perfectly. The relationship is so wonderful at the start and you just feel like if you just gave a little more it could be that way again. And the feeling of fear once it has set in is unreal. I applaud you for writing this. The only part I disagree with is the part about not thanking God. You said yourself that you prayed during the ordeal but that God… Read more »
“Because you prayed, he gave you the strength to get up and get yourself out the door..”
Wrong. She created the strength herself. No one gave it to her – including God. Did you see the part where she wrote “My savior? Myself. ” She was the SOLE agent in her own change. By telling her that God helped her, you are taking credit away from her for creating that strength instead of waiting for prayers to be answered . And you should be ashamed of yourself for doing so.
i find it very strange how many things this article hits to a t, even the names((his ex)) and his name. sometimes i wonder if im in a good place or not sometimes i wanted to talk to her to ask. but i waas abused as a child to… so i get used to it. but all dreams except for our child who is amazing down the drain….sigh
Thank you for sharing your experience; my ex husband had PTSD and while not as escalated as your situation, I experienced some of the same. Healing is definitely a long process, and I agree it should be on your own terms, that nobody else can understand it’s depth but you. You’re right about denial, it only makes healing that much slower. Good luck
Ten years ago this April, I sat with my mother and aunt in the waiting room of a hospital, waiting for word on my cousin. She spent three hours in surgery to repair her shattered jaw and a badly broken arm, thanks to her angry, violent, drunken husband. It was not the first time he had hurt her, nor was it even the first time he’d put her in the hospital. But it was the first time the police arrested him and said he’d be charged, no matter what she wanted . He’d been arrested twice before, but both times… Read more »
Thank you, KatyD. I’m back on GMP today, otherwise I would have missed your comment. So thankful for your kind words, and I think you’ll enjoy my further clarification of some of the pieces you listed about your cousin.
https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/how-love-someone-hit-you-gmp/
You are amazing and strong. I too am an abuse survivor. It is very true unless you have been there you have no idea. My parents don’t believe me because I did not have obvious enough wounds. They are still friends and even helped him buy a hou. Don’t know if I can ever get passed that.
That is what happened to me also. The relationship started out good and I felt understood, wanted and loved. It was so nice. Then it changed little by little, and it is such a mind trap, because you can’t figure out what happened and you want what you had back. You think the very things you thought, that you can fix things, that he will get better, that there is something wrong with him. It doesn’t come back because abusers always pour it on thick in the beginning and it doesn’t get better because they rarely think they’re wrong or… Read more »
The tightening of the stomach muscles when he’s around, the tiptoeing around his moods, the constipation of not eating right, the dry mouth, the hard swallowing, the weight loss, the sweats, the lost stare through the window with nothing in particular in mind. Gotta keep image up at work. It’s a big secret from friends cause everyone thinks I have the strength of character to stand my ground. The sound of his voice chills me to the core. His glare like I’m up to something when I’m not. His subtle attempts to intimidate by filling the tub to the top… Read more »
I understand.
I wish you courage and strength to keep going forward but I think you have that covered.
Thank you for sharing this. As a law student, future criminal attorney, and a past DV victim, I have seen how harmful assumptions about DV continue to make it harder for victims to leave and for their abusers to be stopped. To hear a defense attorney talk about using the fact that a woman stayed with her abusive boyfriend/husband past the first incident as “proof” that it didn’t really happen churns my stomach. These are way too many people who don’t understand the very real dangers of trying to leave – that the violence usually escalates around attempts to leave,… Read more »
I’m very impressed by the longevity of this article and feel blessed to have come upon it. My very best friend (Male to Female) also suffered a horrific relationship such as the one that you describe. I however was fortunate enough to enter her life at a time in which the abuse became it’s most severe, when it turned physical. Having previously served as a Crisis Intervention Counselor for Domestic Abuse Victims during my stent as a Military Police Officer in the U.S. Army, I was in a unique position to assist my newly acquainted friend through education, support and… Read more »
wow, mike, you’re amazing. I recently ended a relationship w a man who is emotionally unavailable due to divorce and PTSD. I am hoping when the divorce issues have settled, we can try again. I hope your girl is able to see your value and pull you in, rather than push you away as mine did. Try showing her EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) on youtube..my friend uses it with soldiers with PTSD and it is supposed to be very effective. Try battletap.com too. EMDR is a more intense therapy that only trained counselors do. It can be pretty difficult to… Read more »
I’m an abuse survivor and EMDR is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Yes. EMDR is the only therapy that seems to bring closer for me, too. At the time of this post, I had not begun EMDR. I’m so very thankful I found my voice, my passion for healing, and a great trauma therapist to get me where I am today. Which is here (again): https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/how-love-someone-hit-you-gmp/
My husband and I met only just after I had left a relationship where I was sexually abused. We were able to get to talk and know one another long before there was any physical contact, which really helped, and he was very careful to respect my boundaries once we were able to meet in person, which also helped. I asked him, from his perspective, what he would recommend, and he said that the best thing is to be open and honest. Don’t tip toe around subjects, and don’t walk on eggshells around her. Be caring, but direct in your… Read more »
Mike – It has been quite some time since you posted and, fortunately, I came back to GMP today and posted another article about my healing process (http://bit.ly/1jZsVzm ). Be patient with your friend. It took me three years before I was ready to date, but I’m happy to say I’m getting married next month. My current relationship wouldn’t have flourished if he hadn’t told me over and over again, “We’ve got this: I have you and you are going to beat it.” Somewhere along the line I started believing him, and it made our bond so much stronger than… Read more »
This rattled me. I am also a survivor. We met at school, had a passionate whirlwind relationship. Within 14 months of knowing him, I was stalked, had a knife put to my throat, had my home broken into, was threatened repeatedly, and locked in my house (i had an inside deadbolt and he took my keys) for 3 days while he alternatively begged me to stay and berated me for wanting to leave him… At the time, I never told anyone due to embarrassment. Thank you for being so brave and telling your story. Continued healing to you. After he… Read more »