When you’re ready to take that next step with a woman, think carefully. What you say isn’t always what she hears.
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There are moments in every relationship when the bedroom can get a little steamy, when the clothes are flying off, time appears to be running out and whatever is going to happen — needs to happen now. How long you’ve known someone rarely matters, whether it’s a long-term partner or someone you’ve just met, it’s in these throes of passion that throwing caution to the wind is abundantly easier than stopping, strapping up and being sensible. Given the multitude of consequences that can arise from such abandon, it’s rather spectacular how many people are willing to take the risk. And their reasons, in the cold light of day, are rarely as romantic, flattering or logical as the night before.
♦◊♦
If you’ve ever, in the heat of the moment or not, asked a woman for unprotected sex and been rejected, it may be because there’s a vast difference between what you’re saying and what she’s hearing.
One
What you say: Come on, we don’t need that! What she hears: I’ve had unprotected sex before, a few times. Whilst everyone likes to think they’re special, that they have a unique connection with the lover they’re with, the truth is that trusting takes place on many different levels. There are people in our lives that we’ll go to for emotional support, but they’re not always the same person we trust to give us advice on our career or a physical health. Just because a woman is eager to sleep with you, doesn’t mean her body is a free-for all and that her mind has stopped working. If you’re willing to have unprotected sex with her, common sense would presume you’ve done it before, with someone whose health you know just as little about. And that’s not sexy.
Two
What you say: It feels better this way What she hears: Pleasure now is all that’s important to me. Short-term gain with a complete disregard for long-term consequences. This type of excuse for having unprotected sex very quickly turns into a teacher/student situation, the student being not particularly bright, quite immature and subsequently a turn-off. Having to reel off the possible outcomes of temporary pleasure now (a baby, various STDs etc) quickly makes any situation infinitely less arousing than it began.
Three
What you say: Just for a few minutes, why not? What she hears: Let’s barter with your body, that’s how much I respect it If you’re willing to subject your body to intimate relations with someone without making adequate effort to ensure it’s safe to do so, then you have no respect for your own health. What’s worse is you’re asking that she bring her own body to your care-free party. Not attractive.
Four
What you say: I’m clean, it’s fine What she hears: I think I’m l clean, I don’t know if you are, but that’s okay You are quite simply, a walking time bomb. Trust when it comes to sex is earned yes, but there are also a few things for which words are not enough and you can make an effort to prove instead. If that effort is not called for in this particular coupling, then protection definitely is.
Five
What you say: We trust each other, don’t we? What she hears: I can’t be bothered or we’re not serious enough to get it our health and choices verified. Unprotected sex in itself is not the singular sign of one’s commitment within a relationship. Deciding that you’re invested enough in it to take a trip to the clinic together and maybe look at some options, is however a start. If you’re not willing to do that, you’re either lazy, or way too relaxed about your health and unplanned fatherhood. —
Photo: 88755487
This article illustrated my own thought processes in situations where a man wants unprotected sex. I think the crux is that unprotected sex should be a matter of mutual consent, not something assumed by one party. If both parties can’t agree, then perhaps it’s best they don’t have sex. Personally, there are far too many sexually active people about that don’t get tested regularly and thus aren’t aware of their sexual health, so regardless of the person’s niceness and claims, I would never take that gamble, not to mention that I wouldn’t want to get pregnant. Some men also think… Read more »
This article is riddled with many sexist female assumptions which perpetuate stereotypes harmful to men. First, she’s assuming that she can speak for all women and all men. We all know that is not true. I will discuss the male viewpoint because I am a man. I will also discuss what most men do from the standpoint of my own studies and observations and my experience of the men I have known in my lifetime. Secondly, if women are so concerned about protecting themselves, then why don’t they promote the idea of carrying a female condom or dental dam? I… Read more »
Let me tell you something personal. My latest partner was my ex-girlfriend. The first time we had Intercourse we were drunk and didn’t have any condoms around there. We agreed to have unprotected sex. At the time I thought it was because of the situation, late at night, horny as hell, drunk, etc. But the second time we encountered, I had the condoms but she told me not to wear it because she liked it “raw”. We were still no couple, just friends that have sex. MAN, I was shocked. All my life I’ve tried to protect me the best… Read more »
As a man, I’ve always found it completely bizarre that any man would request sex without a condom with a new sexual partner or with someone they just met.
This is how babies are made.
Babies are expensive and life changing for both parties involved. And the mere possibility of creating one deserves serious consideration.
Sure there’s a place for unprotected sex in a relationship. But this should always be discussed soberly, and not in the midst of passion. Perhaps schedule a meeting on the subject?
Until then, wrap it up.
Women who ask for unprotected sex totally turn me off. I’m out when I get that request .
I can’t help but think how many other women he has done the same thing with before. It’s a total turn off if a man attempts to go down on me without knowing me very well. I won’t kiss him ever again and it’s pretty much over.
Unless you’ve both had all the tests and you are building a long-term commitment, in which case a woman (t least I did) hears: “I want to be with you for the long term and I trust you and want you to trust me.”
i hv the same issue with my girfriend she told me she wants a baby nd that means unprotected sex.also me i want a kid nd i will shag her nd give a kid.nd wait for the later to come
Maybe I’m just old, maybe a pregnancy scare at 14 made me extra aware. In my youth I was the one who wanted to use condoms…..at least until I trusted that there were other effective methods in place and that we’d talked about how we would deal with an unintended pregnancy. Yet in my youth there were more women that were willing to take risks than I was……….One heck of a lot of women prefer skin to skin.
Shoe on the other foot:
Let’s say he demands a dental dam before he will perform cunnilingus. Wouldn’t she be pretty hurt and angry by that?
If he balks at going down on her and cites safe-sex reasons, would she accept that?
Hi Wellokthen
W)y on earth should woman dislike this? Many will respect more.
And you can also use glad wrap ( super thin wrap most of has in the kitchen drawer).
Genital herpes is not fun and can not be cured.
and I forgot rimming.,
Not my cup of tea, but acceptable if Glad Wrap is used……
The articles brings a lot of questions to mind for me… most of them revolving around a writer and their audience. Is it okay to assume anything about your audience, be they men or women, gay or straight or bi or trans or ambi or androgynous or metro or lumbersexual? Is it up to the author to be inclusive through qualification, or should the audience be willing to read between the lines and tailer the writer’s thoughts to their own experience, which may be different on the surface? In other words, can’t we look at the 5 things ‘she’ hears… Read more »
#6 “I’ll pull out” -_- This happened to me once (no condoms on hand) and I said no and he respected that. It is SERIOUSLY offputting stuff. I knew a guy who said he never used condoms and I was like :/ and proceeded to tell him how irresponsible that was and that it was stupid trusting someone he barely knew! You don’t know how often a girl takes the pill or her sexual history and being irresponsible doesn’t look good on either gender! I swear I was the first woman to suggest that because he hadn’t even thought of… Read more »
Of course women say these things as well but this article is from a woman about how women may hear these things.
That is true. So know we only need an article from a woman about how fomen may think about these things when she suggest unprotected sex.
I had one say to me once that we didn’t need to use condoms cause she used birth control. I was happy to oblige but kinda freaked out in the last instance and pulled out anyway “just in case”.
Oi, was she pissed at me afterwards! Wonder why?
He’s free to refuse to wear condoms. You’re free to tell him to take a hike. He can go be all condomfree somewhere else. Everyone has the right to make requirements when it comes to consenting to have sex — “no sex with me if you don’t wear a condom,” for example. If he/she/other can’t abide by that, then you’re better off looking elsewhere for someone who does.
That goes both ways. If you’re pleading with her to let you have sex your way, then you should look elsewhere if you’re not going to change your mind.
What’s your point Oiri? Of course women do. Are you upset because she didn’t mention that?
And women never say these things of course ^_^
How many women have you been with that didn’t prefer unprotected sex? By which I mean, condomless? I’m hard pressed to think of one who wasn’t relieved to be rid of them. Birth control was always something to be considered, certainly. But once it was established that we weren’t sleeping with other people, women have always seemed just as happy as I was to go bare.
The article never explicitly states that the person speaker is male.