There is no way to be truly prepared, but James Woodruff shares what he learned when his mother was diagnosed with cancer.
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No matter how much research you do or how many support groups you anonymously attend, hearing that your parent has cancer becomes a phase in your life. Certain decisions will revolve around the ugly C word. Your life’s coping mechanisms will go through ebbs and flows as you watch your parent fight the disease.
1) Everything becomes urgent and immediate: As I’ve watched my mother go through different rounds of chemotherapy and radiation, I find myself fantasizing about my own bucket list. I also find myself considering some of the things she hasn’t gotten to do yet. At face value, she got married and had children. But there’s so much more to living life, and specifically being a woman, than that. I think about the fact that there’s an entire globe that she’s never seen. As a result, I’ve become more proactive in my life as well. A cancer diagnosis is scary. Once it enters an advanced stage, you automatically begin to treat every day like it’s your last.
2) You form unlikely bonds: Chemotherapy centers are hotbeds for interaction; mainly because you feel comfortable bypassing the “get to know you” conversation. Instead of introducing yourself by name, people introduce themselves by their type of cancer and where they are in treatment. The crazy thing about cancer is it transcends age, race, and gender. I exchange pleasantries and have quirky conversations with this 15 year old brain cancer patient that same way I do with the 72 year old who is getting ready to be transported to hospice. The traits that separate people on the outside world are nonexistent.
3) There’s a constant cloud of fear over you: Recently, my mother had a nagging cough. When she visited me three days later, the cough was the exact same. Ordinarily, you’d take something over the counter and stay hydrated unless it got worst. You can’t do that when the person you love has cancer, though. I called the doctor to describe the symptoms and he advised me to bring my mom in so they could check her white cell count. It turns out that she had the flu and needed to be hospitalized. I breathed a sigh of relief that it was “just the flu”. Even when things aren’t as bad as they could be, you worry.
4) You’re going to get tired of peoples’ questions: Everyone means well. When they ask, “how’s your mom?”, it’s genuine concern. However, there’ll be many days when I can’t even muster a response. Whether it’s because I’m physically tired from being up all night because she was vomiting or I’m emotionally tired from figuring out how to hold the tears in. It’s comforting to be embraced by support and prayers. Although, you will be overwhelmed at times by the frequency at which inquiries come. One thing that I’ve learned is that it’s okay to tell people you don’t want to talk about cancer.
5) You know they’re going to die: I recently finished Stuart Scott’s memoir, Every Day I Fight. He shares the in-depth struggle he endured before succumbing in January. One of the things he lamented about is the fact that he wouldn’t be around for his daughters. For every success story of a long fight, there are 10 stories of loved ones who were gone way too soon. My mom has lived a full life. Now she’s in for the fight of her life. I see her toughness every day. Even though I can see that she’s physically weak, nothing has broken her spirit. This disease won’t diminish her will to fight. Yet we all know the truth. We all know that there’ll come a time when the medicine stops working. We all know that the day will come where we’re sitting by her bedside with a heaviness because we have to make a decision; with or without her help. When your loved one has been diagnosed with cancer, you don’t consume yourself with the idea of death. But you’re smart enough to know that eventually it’ll come.
Fighting cancer is a constant, a daily part of your life. Since my mother’s cancer has advanced, my brother and I have to plan our lives around doctors’ visits. Our family is very helpful in the times where we can’t be there. When my mother isn’t feeling well, I wonder if it’s because of the medication. I used to put off returning her calls. Now? I answer no matter the time or what I’m doing. One of my biggest fears as a man, as a son, is that I won’t be there for my mother when she needs me the most. That’s what people never told me about the disease. Cancer will make you wonder if you did and are doing enough for your loved one.
James, i found your words SO honest and very true to how im feeling right now so thank you! My mum was diagnosed 6 weeks ago with a very glum outcome. A diagnosis of pneumonia not long after this we saw as a set back but evidently was a godsend … the IV antibiotics she had made a massive difference but only for a week (which we enjoyed!). Now her mental state had diminished and she seems to have lost “her fight” Im struggling because i see my dad fighting to hold onto his wife (& push her 2 do… Read more »
My mother has been diagnosed with lung cancer and bone metastasis. And has been given around 6 months to live. She has never been sick in her life, this came so suddenly. I’ve been by her side my entire life and the thought of losing her is unbearable. I don’t know what’ll become of me when she’s gone. I wish i was in her place so badly. She did so much for everyone. Always put others before herself. I love her more than words can say. I hope she comes back home and makes it past 6 months. She was… Read more »
She’s only 51 years old
Sending love to you
same 🙁 i hope they get better soon
My mom was just diagnosed a few days ago. I have cried and cried to the the point i find myself not being able to enjoy anything. I too feel alone and lost… almost broken. I spent the other night begging to skies for a miracle for healing… God bless you and i pray you and i find comfort and healing.
Me too Jenny 😢…
God bless you all these days have been so incredibly difficult, watching my Father struggle through cancer and unable to do anything to help him. My world is dark and hopeless I don’t even want to live without him.
My Mom also has Lung cancer with bone mets.
Docs are saying it is not curable.
I am not able to deal with the this and there are lot of expectations from me being the man of the house.
I am fighting many internal battles in my mind.
I have so many regrets and this ‘guilt’ of not doing enough beats me every moment.
I am living in the past
Hugs…. I truly understand…
Joseph I feel your pain… I hope your Mom is still here. I just got glum news about my Mother 2 days ago and I can’t stop crying. Her cancer is rare and not really treatable. Everyone wants me to “be strong and have hope” but I know it’s easier said than done when it’s not their Mom. I’m just searching all over the web to find people hurting like me who I know truly understand how this feels 😢. Feel free to email me for support and I can sure use a word myself if you have it in… Read more »
Last night she told me. Have not slept with my mind finding thousands of ways to be with and support her even though she is in NY and we are in NC.
Hello YOU, Hope you’re doing great today? You don’t have to be sad or down, our health is our number one priority to stay alive,it’s good to talk about our problems but more better to find solutions and results for them. You don’t need your problem to weigh you down because you are strong and can’t be down, a fighter is always up. Good health brings rest of mind and peace of the heart. if you wanna talk about your health issues (cancer, chronic pains) and get remedy, our doors are opened 24/7 hours, let’s talk about your health issues… Read more »
Mother got diagnosed with leukemia. It’s hard knowing there is a chance of survival but it’s very little accord according to statistics. Don’t know what I would do without supportive family and true friends during this tough time.
My mom is fighting cancer for the past 4 years now. It has spread to lungs, liver , backbone and all over to the brain . Doctor has given has 2-3 months. Will she really die someday? Can’t she be cured completely?
My mom just got diagnosed with pancreas cancer. I have two older brothers and an older sister and without them I would be lost. I have so many thoughts and so many questions. It does makes me think of the time we have with her. It’s just so sudden but we all have faith that God with will help us get through this journey.
My mom’s fighting the fight. My every thought is consumed by her cancer. Every day I try to remember everything for my memory bank. I’ve never been so scared in my life.
Day 4 missing my mom who isn’t even gone yet thanks for the story it helped.
Scarily true, it’s heart breaking watching it
We need help with our mother because we don’t know what to do it this time..she’s only 67 year old
Mine is only 51 🙁
thanks. My mom is going in for surgery friday… yeah.
@Rosalind – I don’t necessarily agree with rootx. I think it’s okay to experience guilt when a parent is diagnosed with cancer and we feel helpless – however, it can be difficult to be become close to your Mom now (that she has been diagnosed with cancer) if the two of you have not been close in the past. I recommend working on your feelings with a licensed therapist before forcing a ‘change’. Good luck to you and God bless.
I agree, it is not as simplistic as rootx describes.. quite frankly my experience is that my parents have not been the ones who have loved me the most, far from it. at least thats they way they come across.. whether they do but just cant outwardly show it, is only for them to answer.
I’m really struggling here with my Mom and her having cancer. We weren’t close before and I feel guilty now. Should I change now?
yes you should 🙂 please treat your mom very well, there’s no one loves you than your mom and dad 🙂
I am in the same position.. I have decided to stay true to myself, which is a compassionate person, so even though my mother has been unable to be compassionate with me at least outwardly or to me directly.. I am and will be there for her.. some days are hard when she yells and hurls abuse for no reason.. but she is the only mother I have and I don’t want any regrets.. It is tough and a personal decision.. just protect yourself as well.. don’t lose yourself in the process..