4. Skilled lovers focus better. So many relationships start with moon eyes and end up with eyes rolling or not looking at the other person at all. To be in a relationship, you have to be present and attentive, not distracted and far away. The glue that holds successful relationships together is not the sex (though it’s a powerful adhesive) but the quality of the moment to moment, day to day interaction between two people. Is checking your phone or checking out in front of the tv really more important than checking in with your partner in an interested and meaningful way? It only takes five seconds. And it creates a lifetime of appreciation. When people say relationships take work, this is what they mean. It’s not only working out the tough stuff, but working on the daily behavior patterns that lead to intimacy or distance and can make or break a partnership. Skilled lovers take the time to adjust their lenses and focus clearly on the person they love.
Exclusivity, engagement, and ultimately marriage don’t create commitment; they reflect it.
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5. Skilled lovers commit. I’m not talking about marriage, although, if you’ve found a skilled lover, you’ve definitely found marriage material. I’m talking about being all in, not doing things half-assed, and spending time investing in the relationship instead of analyzing whether it’s working or worthwhile. There are many ways to display your commitment—being there in a crisis, being patient when your partner is confused, standing up for your partner, or sharing responsibility for solving problems you didn’t create. Exclusivity, engagement, and ultimately marriage don’t create commitment; they reflect it, because a promise or pledge means nothing unless you feel your partner’s commitment to you. And you know it when you feel it. Skilled lovers commit and stay committed, keeping their hands on the wheel of the ship and their eyes on the shore whether seas are calm or the storm is raging.
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So—are you a skilled lover? If your partner thinks so, that’s really all that matters. But if your technique could use some improvement, working on these five skills can bring you and your partner to new heights of pleasure and have a huge bearing on your long-term happiness.
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Photo—iStock
Mindfulness. Several of the great skills you raise here can be traced to mindfulness, 🙂
Great Article Thomas. Inspiring and Uplifting. Insightful.
What would you advise someone do when they’re the attentive and skilled lover and their partner is the opposite of that? How does one deal with the lack of reciprocity? I’m not saying to keep score of how much u do and expect an equal return but what if you’re the one giving and giving and giving to the point where there is not at least some effort of trying to improve ?
I used to be a skilled lover. Now I’m married. Seriously, I asked porn star, sex educator, lover and spouse Nina Hartley once at a local book talk: “Nina, will marriage ruin my sex life?” Her answer? “No, you will.” We became instant friends on this exchange. This is the point of your article. Married people ruin their sex lives. Yes, read your piece. I read it twice; sent it to my wife. Hope my guy friends don’t find out I’m reading relationship articles. Could ruin my reputation, no?
Thomas, I always love what you write. This one is, I think, my very favorite (so far). As a relationship coach, I spend all my working hours helping clients really, deeply, understand what you’re talking about. It is what makes my marriage incredible, where we both feel so loved, cherished, and happy.
Thank you for being so brilliant (and oh-so-groovy!); I dig you with a huge shovel.
Karen Jones
Karen, Thank you so much for your kind words and praise for my work. Helping people understand how to relate is hard and so critical to making the world better and people happier. Your clients are very fortunate to have you supporting them.