5. Men want to connect—we just don’t know how
The most important thing social media tells us about manhood in 2011 is that we desire to connect with each other and with the opposite sex in meaningful ways. The amazing thing about Twitter and Facebook is that they offer the ability to connect with people with common interests all over the world. One of my best friends is a blues philosopher from Reno, Nevada, named Todd Mauldin. I have never met him in the flesh, but through social media, I know about his deepest challenges and successes. We originally met on Facebook. Since that time he has sent me his music and videos, and we’ve exchanged long emails where we have each spilled our guts.
This may sound like Oprah for guys, but it is not. The tone of the discussions between me and Todd—and with the other men I know through social media—is uniquely male. We talk and share our emotions using vocabulary and an approach that is completely different from that of women.
Another close friend I have never met other than electronically is Michael Kamber, one of the most celebrated New York Times war photographers. He shares with me what it is really like to be on the front lines in Iraq, and now in Afghanistan, in real time. I often ask him about something I have read in the papers, and he tells me a story that either refutes or confirms what I have read.
More often than not, when Michael messages me to tell me what it is like to watch men saving a civilian baby or getting their arms blown off or dying in their comrades’ arms, I have tears in my eyes. These are the images in words and pictures that even the Times will not publish but that I have access to because of social media. I am connected to Michael and the men on the ground in a way that wouldn’t have been possible without social media. And I am a better man for it.
♦ ♦ ♦
Tom Matlack, together with James Houghton and Larry Bean, published an anthology of stories about defining moments in men’s lives — The Good Men Project: Real Stories from the Front Lines of Modern Manhood. It was how the The Good Men Project first began. Want to buy the book? Click here. Want to learn more? Here you go.
About Tom Matlack
Vocalyze
Hey Tom, kudos! My favorites and one to maybe add?.. First, my favorites, #3. and #4, and their relationship. Quick story: Super Bowl Sunday. Got the Blackberry in the toilet with me…after the deed is done, the device slips into the bowl with my makings. DILEMMA! Of course, I reach in there and grab it–it’s ruined–still washing my hands, btw–then I’m off to Verizon say, 15 minutes before kick-off, because having my phone even trumps the Big Game!
Okay, and maybe one to add/a question. What does it say about me that I will let my business have a Facebook page, in fact we meet on that subject exclusively to drive traffic to our site, etc. Yet I don’t have a personal Facebook page? #6. We use Social Media as another way to hide behind what we do, rather than who we are? I dunno…
Great post! We haven’t evolved at all! We were still picking fleas off each other 20,000 years ago!
The media is filled with misandry and GMPM is no different.
“our usual caveman-like grunts”
Isn’t that right, Uncle Tom?
Just be grateful it’s a guy admitting it and not a woman claiming it.
And porn is filled with misogyny. What’s your point?
Uncle Tom is free to declare himself a caveman and a baboon. However, when he uses the broad brush of misandry to paint other men, then I find that personally insulting.
Same as calling women bitches.
I think the point is where we set the standard for degradation. Whether or not it’s necessary to institutionalize a factitious standard that should be all encompassing. You are correct porn does portray misogyny but no more than misandry. Seeing it or not would represent your working standards. Chiding someone into accepting your standards is superficial, insensitive, unintelligent, and self absorbed. But convenient. It doesn’t bode well for men who may not fit the stereotypes outlined. What I particularly appreciated from Matt is his consideration that men may be more emotionally complex than we previously believed.
Porn and it’s content of degradation, is still somewhat of a cultural taboo, you don’t find it on most peoples television at dinner time. Main stream media however sets very low standards of degradation, for popular consumption by people that lack the life experience and insight to see it for what it is.
@Sarah:
Wow really? This is why i don’t take women’s complaints about men derailing conversations about women seriously. Bunch of hypocrites.
Yes, tell us how much you hate us. More, more, that’s what this site is for.
That’s right, Sarah. Men are shallow, women are deep. No point in me helping my eight-year-old with her Latin. The stench is permanent and it’s only a matter of time before she figures it out. Should I jettison Virgil and just get her mother to read her “Letters From A War Zone”?
I guess I’m weird, disconnected from the other dudes, and part robot, because I only identify with the sports stuff in this post. I have a very active twitter account – @TLanceB and a personal blog – http://lance-myblogcanbeatupyourblog.blogspot.com where I mostly talk about pop culture, being a dude in a house with 4 women, and how my entertainment choices reflect my mental state and parenting. There’s also some actual writing mixed in all of that.
I read an editorial in USA Today a few days ago that basically ran down social media and how it “prevents” men (and women) from being real grown ups. I disagree 100 percent. While tehre are some facebook freaks who cheat or become fixated on video games and maybe some porn addicts here and there, I have found a lot of guys our age (Tom, you and I are roughly the same age) are writing to express themselves, connect to other guys going through the same stuff, and just goofing off – thus the sports tweeting.
My experience with social media, since I deleted Facebook a year and a half ago, has been mostly positive. I kind of think us guys aren’t that bad. Especially you Tom, and the Good Men Project. I’m a huge fan of both of you.
Lance
What if your a man that doesn’t fit the five point bill of definition. Do we have to contend with the stereotypes and the cultural bigotry of assumption.
I like to read, I don’t own a television and stopped watching about 10 years ago.
Spectator sports is boring, I’d rather throw a football than watch someone else have all the fun.
I own a smart phone because my 6 year old son likes it, it’s loaded with educational games and programs. He loves watching Mr. Magoo on the bus.
I have never subscribed to twitter or facebook, I always felt they promoted superficial relationships, but hey thats me.
As far as not emoting, well I have always preferred working out my own perspectives on my experience rather than having someone else tell me what I’m feeling. At some point my emotions have to coexist with my principles and I’m the best person to make that happen. I have a conscience, and it likes me.
Social networks, including blogs aren’t much different than driving in traffic, we just respond to the flow of traffic. Articles on blogs are just intersections, you stop and comment or just drive on through.
Seems everyone is so busy defining each other into categories, we’ve lost the ability to discover each other and the respect required for the process.
I read through this and understood the following:
1.) All men are uncomfortable discussing their feeling so Social Media gives them a platform.
2.) … “But most guys just use their baboon brains to fantasize about women other than their wives or girlfriends.” Really? Most guys? I’m all for debunking the myth that not everyone looks at porn, but I don’t think Social Media is the recent culprit for helping the porn industry thrive. Where are the stats on it?
3.) I know plenty of women, (hand raised!) that also are addicted to Social Media. It’s easy, it’s instant and recognition feels great. Most people using social networking sites are checking their phone. We ALL need to learn to be a little bit more appropriate, not just men.
4.) Every, Single, Man LOVES sports. I’m not quite sure this is the case. Social Media offers MUCH MORE for men than checking sports scores.
5.) Really? “Men just don’t know how to connect.” I know some GREAT networkers that are men AND women.
Tom, your piece offered some great insights, but it was clothed in a level of BS that even I, can’t see through. Let’s stop referring to men as ‘Neanderthal, sports-hungry, emotionless, sex-driven, fiends.” Then we’ll REALLY get somewhere.
Cheers.
I’m not sure about Uncle Tom or the “Gud Myn” Project.
However, I do know that Men Are Good!
http://menaregood.com/