Marriage can be extremely challenging for guys, but you get out of it exactly what you put in.
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I’ve been married now for a total of 16 years. I have three beautiful kids and a wife many men would kill for. She’s a great mother, attractive, smart, caring, self-aware and great in bed. That’s not to say she’s perfect because, like any other person on earth, she has her flaws.
I was good at pointing fingers, deflecting and playing the role of victim.
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Marriage is incredibly difficult, especially in this day and age. Between the picture society paints about marriage and all those fun (yet destructive) “distractions” that technology has afforded us, it’s surprising the divorce rate isn’t even higher.
I can proudly say that today my marriage is stronger than ever. Just a few months ago, I couldn’t say that. In fact, my marriage was at rock bottom.
For the past several months, my wife and I have done a TREMENDOUS amount of work on both ourselves as well as our marriage. I wasn’t “present” in my marriage and convinced myself that I was working on my marriage. In reality, I wasn’t doing the work.
I was good at pointing fingers, deflecting and playing the role of victim. As evolved as us men like to sometimes think we are; often we see things through a very narrow lens. I’ve made a lot of mistakes over the years. Here are five simple things you can stop doing TODAY that will save (or improve) your marriage.
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1. Stop flirting!
We’ve all done it before often convincing ourselves that it’s harmless. I’ve got news for you… IT’S NOT!! Shooting a look at that cute woman at the coffee shop can be a lot more destructive than you think. I used to work in an office with plenty of women and a little flirting never hurt anyone… or so I thought. Heck, it was only a look here and there, where’s the harm, right?
You have to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Regardless of how harmless you believe it is, what is the reason you are casting that line? As men, we often seek constant reassurance and who better to get it from than an attractive co-worker or that woman you see at a grocery store.
The problem is… this behavior is filling an emotional need! Don’t allow it to create space and distance in your relationship. Flirting is fun; it’s exciting, and it is DESTRUCTIVE! Next time you get that urge to flirt, turn away! Today, anytime I see an attractive woman, I will look away. It sounds silly, but it WORKS! Hey even “thinking” about another woman is pulling you away (energetically) from your significant other which leads me to…
2. Stop (emotional) cheating!
This is another BIG one and comes right behind flirting. I tend to relate with women much better than men. I don’t like sports; I cry at movies, and I’m very in touch with my feelings. It’s just who I am. Throughout the years, I have had a lot of female friends. At times, some of these relationships have caused me grief. I now understand why.
Even though I didn’t think I was cheating because, hey, it’s not like we were having sex or anything. The truth is I was driving a huge wedge between my wife and me. It’s very hard to see when you’re in the thick of it. I thought I was just venting to a friend who happened to be of the female variety.
Texting and Social Media make this especially easy, and that’s why it’s even MORE dangerous! What you “think” is a harmless conversation with a female friend on Facebook could be (and usually is) much more than that. If you feel the need to hide any of those harmless conversations from your wife… they’re probably not so harmless.
3. Stop blaming!
We’ve all blamed and shamed. I’m a good guy, how could it possibly be ME with the problem? The truth is it’s much easier to point fingers than it is to take a deeper look at ourselves. We all play a role in every aspect of our relationships and need to accept responsibility for our part. Rather than try to defend your position, listen to your spouse and do so from a kind and loving place. When you’re open minded enough to listen (rather than defend or blame), you’ll be surprised how quickly you can extinguish a potential blowup. The need to place blame says a lot more about you than it does the person you are blaming.
4. Stop holding on!
How many times have you heard, “Don’t go to bed angry?” C’mon, we’ve all had fights with our spouse, and it’s impossible not to have disagreements. During these times, we tend to reside in a place where instead of looking at our spouse’s good qualities, we focus (and magnify) the bad ones. By holding on to past resentments and anger, we not only weaken our relationship but almost certainly prevent it from being the best that it can be.
Forgiving and letting go is the only solution. Next time you’re in the middle of a conflict with your spouse, ask yourself, “What is my objective here?” What am I trying to gain? It is much easier to be kind rather than right. I had a friend that used to go days (and a few times even weeks) without talking to his spouse after an argument! He was so blinded by the need to win a fight that he let his pride (and ego) control him and by extension, his relationship. Don’t bite off your nose to spite your face… it hurts.
5. Stop making it all about you!
Ahhh, the ego. As men, we sometimes (ok, most times) let our egos get the best of us! It’s easy to get wrapped up in ourselves and ignore the wants, needs and desires of our spouse. With all the pressures and responsibilities life can bring, we sometimes forget what’s most important.
Instead of thinking about all the things you have to do on a daily basis, take a minute and think about all the stuff that’s on your wife’s plate. Is it any less significant than what you do? So why do you treat her like it is?
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Marriage can be extremely challenging, but you get out of it exactly what you put in.
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If you are REALLY honest with yourself, you’ll probably realize that your spouse has a heavier plate than you do. What our Queens desire is just a little more understanding and maybe, gulp… some appreciation. It doesn’t take much either. An occasional bouquet of flowers goes a LONG way (trust me, I know).
If you think you’re too busy to commit more time to your relationship, it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee. Schedule a date night at LEAST once a week and don’t deviate from it! Show her you care and that you value her as a person. We all like to feel appreciated, and our wives are no different. Once you start filling that emotional gas tank, you will start to see radical improvements in your relationship, promise.
Marriage can be extremely challenging, but you get out of it exactly what you put in. One of my favorite quotes by the late (great) Dr. Wayne Dyer sums it up beautifully. “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”. They certainly do.
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Photo: Flickr/ Wim Vandenbussche