I made all the first phone call and first date mistakes so you don’t have to, especially in the beginning stages of dating.
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Two years after my divorce, I signed up for my first online dating site. After a twenty-three year marriage, I was craving a first date with a man who ‘got me’. If I received an email from a guy who sounded reasonably smart, kind, and sweet, I was incredibly excited. If he was creative and we shared common values? Ding, ding, ding!! (I was a bit over-eager, if you couldn’t tell). And then we’d get on the phone…
The first phone call would last way too long.
I stayed on the phone with one guy for three hours, listening to him complain about his ex, how she’d taken all of his money, how horrible his life was now, blah blah blah. I felt sick to my stomach, but I had no idea how to end the conversation. I didn’t know how to say, “No thanks, we’re done here.”
I was clueless. I had no boundaries.
One of my biggest areas of growth post-divorce was learning how to set clear boundaries with everyone in my life. But back then, my boundaries were fuzzy.
I had no clue how long to spend on a first phone call or a first date, or how to spot red flags early on and walk away from people who were unhealthy.
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And, I had no clue how long to spend on a first phone call or a first date, or how to spot red flags early on and walk away from people who were unhealthy.
One of my first online dating connections was with a guy who seemed AMAZING over the phone. We had a strong connection. We lived about an hour and a half apart, so we spoke several times a day until our first date. We exchanged about 30 emails. After a week, I was convinced I was head over heels in love. And when we finally met, it was a disaster. Zero chemistry. Hopes dashed. Lesson learned.
Six years, three relationships, and many first dates later, I am so much wiser about how to date.
I made all the mistakes so you don’t have to, especially in the beginning stages of dating. I’ve learned how to set limits on first phone calls and how to have much more successful first dates. Here’s how…
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5 Tips for Navigating Successfully From First Call to First Date
1. Keep the first phone call to a half-hour max.
First phone calls? They are for hearing someone’s voice and deciding if there’s enough interest to meet in person. How much to share on that first phone call? Just enough to establish a connection and decide if you want to meet.
2. Meet each other ASAP!
That first face-to-face meeting is crucial. You might connect well over the phone and through texts, but without a face-t0-face meeting, you won’t really know if you click. Don’t email back and forth more than three or four times before talking on the phone. Don’t text unless it’s to set up a time and place. Then, go on that first date as soon as possible.
3. Keep your private life private for now.
If you like each other and develop a relationship, there will be plenty of time to share your deepest thoughts. In the beginning, you have no idea if there will be a future. So keep your private life private until you’ve decided that you want to spend more time together.
4. Reveal your values and character through story.
While you certainly don’t want to share your entire life story on a first date, do tell some stories. You’ll reveal your values and character through short, light-hearted stories.
You’ll reveal your values and character through short, light-hearted stories.
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Share an anecdote about your childhood (your favorite toy, where you grew up, a fun game). Or a funny story about something that happened at work that week. If you’ve recently traveled somewhere fabulous, share a story about the best part of your trip, or a favorite museum and what you loved most about it. Those types of stories reveal so much about who you are, and make for much more interesting conversation.
5. Save the heavy stuff for later—much later.
Don’t share your wounds on the phone or on those first few dates. Bond on the good stuff. Save the difficult parts of your life for later, when and if trust and a relationship have developed. It will be much easier for her to understand why you don’t get along with your ex after you’ve fallen in love. You can deal with his diabetes once you’ve come to love him. Without love, these tougher issues can feel like a burden. With love, you’ll want to care for your partner through good times and bad. But for now, stick to the lighter stuff.
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A little mystery is important as a relationship develops. It will keep you excited for the next date, and the next date, as you build a relationship that lasts.
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Have you ever shared too much on a first phone call or a first date? Please share your experience below.
Photo: Flickr/Hernán Piñera
Why is it hard to be ourselves? Are we so afraid that someone will not like us? So what? We can find someone else. And can that be easy? My friend told me I should practice my confidence. One of the ways was to use atlanta.partyline.com the phone chat. Direct talking! No running away. And he said that confidence is the key to successful dating. And of course relationship.
Jules, You’re a social guy, not afraid to approach a stranger in a bar. That’s wonderful, and that’s why you’re not dating online. I love how you made Gail smile and relax by being straight with her. Here’s the problem: many people, including me, don’t go to bars. They don’t come into contact with potential dates very often. Especially if they’re over 40. That’s where online dating comes in. And you’re right, it should be renamed something like ‘online meeting’, because online dating sites are merely tools for connection. Just like you meeting Gail in a bar, people who date… Read more »
“We lived about an hour and a half apart, so we spoke several times a day until our first date. We exchanged about 30 emails. After a week, I was convinced I was head over heels in love.” This is what is truly baffling to me about people and online dating…The whole purpose is to MEET a person. So do it as you said. Maybe they should rename these sites “online introductions” or something… But, what prevent you or anyone from talking to people without the online thingy? Is it a NYC thing? Too many perverts and miscreants? Hell, I… Read more »