Remember these rules the next time your kid loses a tooth.
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You get loads of parenting advice in the months leading up to the birth of your first child. You’ll receive more stroller recommendations, diaper rash remedies and opinions on vaccinations than you stressed out brain can handle. One aspect of your parenting future that is often overlooked is the importance of your looming role as an amalgamation of the fictional characters that our society has made an integral part of childhood.
One aspect of your parenting future that is often overlooked is the importance of your looming role as an amalgamation of the fictional characters that our society has made an integral part of childhood.
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That’s right, from day one of your child’s life you are now Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny (characters subject to change depending upon your cultural background). And … oh yeah … the Elf on the Shelf. You’re now the Elf on the Shelf. Good luck with that.
My son, who is 9½, is quickly approaching the time when this menagerie of fictional home invaders will come into serious question. His little sister, age 6, is an ardent believer and in short time their opposing viewpoints will no doubt create some in-house tension. He’s already wavered a bit on Santa Claus, and a few weeks ago his Tooth Fairy allegiance showed signs of doubt. My midnight gaffe nearly pushed him over the edge.
Here are five things not to do when fulfilling your parental duty as acting Tooth Fairy.
1. Don’t leave change.
I hardly ever have cash. My wife handles the day to day expenses and I usually carry just enough dollar bills to buy an occasional coffee. This strategy keeps me from spending our grocery money on funny hats and ironic t-shirts but it often leaves me ill-prepared when a tooth falls out of a kid’s mouth.
If you’ve taken to leaving a few bucks in your car’s glove box in case of emergency, try doing the same thing in your night stand. A couple of bills tucked away into a tooth emergency fund will prevent you from sorting through Cheerios and Legos in the sofa cushions after putting the kids to bed.
2. Don’t leave too much money.
Don’t be one of these self-professed parenting heroes that leaves $5 for each tooth. You’re setting the bar too high and setting your child up for a lifetime of unfulfilled expectations.
Don’t be one of these self-professed parenting heroes that leaves $5 for each tooth.
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Losing a tooth is a natural part of growing up so treat it as such. You don’t hand out $10 bills every time your kid takes a dump, so simmer down on the Tooth Fairy action. A dollar or two per tooth is plenty.
3. Don’t set a reminder on your phone.
I’ve been guilty of completely forgetting about the tooth laying under my child’s pillow on numerous occasions. It often results in my wife ushering a heartbroken child to the restroom in the morning and me frantically throwing a dollar under the bed. “Oh look! There it is. No worries.” I’ve thought about setting a reminder on my phone for 11 PM but now that my kids use the phone to watch Youtube videos and research Pokemon cards, having that kind of incriminating evidence around seems foolhardy.
4. Don’t impersonate Joey Tribbiani.
Last weekend, my son lost a tooth at lunch. He immediately suggested how nice it would be if the Tooth Fairy left him $3 since that is exactly how much he needed to buy the Pokemon set he’s been obsessing over. His suggestion of $3 was not only three times the going per-tooth rate in our home, it was also accompanied by a sly smile. I took it as his acknowledgement that he knows the identity of this “Tooth Fairy.” I brushed his comment aside and said that it seemed like a lot to ask from a volunteer fairy that works the graveyard shift.
My son suggested how nice it would be if the Tooth Fairy left him $3 since that is exactly how much he needed to buy the Pokemon set he’s been obsessing over.
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I crept into his room around midnight with a dollar in hand. I felt around under his pillow for the tooth, to no avail. He was sleeping on his side, facing me, so we were basically face to face as I slid my hand around feeling for the tooth. I couldn’t find it, and not wanting to leave any evidence, started to get nervous. As I was about to call off the search he sat up straight in the bed and looked right at me. My mind raced as he silently gazed at me: “Is this it? Is this really how he finds out that it’s me? Is he going to cry? Please don’t cry. Crap! Say something. Crap!”
In that moment, I called on my years of parenting expertise and uttered a phrase sure to put his confused little mind at ease: “How you doin’?”
I have no idea why I picked that time to pull out my old Joey Tribbiani impression but there I was crouched over a child, in a dark room, with a dollar in my hand: “How you doin’?”
I’m not proud.
Thankfully he laid back down without saying a word and went back to sleep. I don’t think he has any recollection of my parenting gaffe and the next morning he was genuinely excited about the dollar. A win for dad!
5. Don’t keep the evidence.
You’ll be tempted to keep the teeth. Don’t. They’re biological matter, not keepsakes. They’re also evidence. You don’t want to have to explain to your child, or anyone for that matter, why you have a drawer full of tiny teeth.
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Photo: Getty
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