5 Unrealistic Sex Moves Men Learn from Watching Porn

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Lori Lothian believes porn has the potential to mislead men about the best bedroom moves to use with real-life women.

I had a discussion the other day with a female sex educator about porn. The gist of our talk was about how porn has the potential to badly mislead men about the best bedroom moves, the ones real women appreciate, versus the stereotypes porn directors and actors have woven into the collective sexual imagination.

Of course, in an ideal intimate union, you men are simply asking your partner what she likes (because each woman is as unique as her pussy). But because transparency and candor is often as scary in new relationships as farting during sex, let’s just take a stab at some general “women don’t really like this” pointers.

Here are five techniques porn teaches men that are not necessarily what many women will rave to their girlfriends about after he tries them on her:

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1)  Ejaculating on her face is a huge turn on. Though it might be a good facial moisturizer, unlike porn actresses, a real woman isn’t likely to smile adoringly as her man hoses semen into her eyes and nose. In fact, it’s a bitch to get out of her hair without having to shampoo and for the most part that semen facial has nothing to do with her pleasure. Some theorize it’s a humiliation/domination of women archetype, though gender studies professor Hugo Schwyzer speculates in an article called “He Wants to Jizz on Your Face but Not Why You’d Think” that “rather than seeing the facial as rooted in the impulse to denigrate, it might indeed be better to view it as longing for approval.” In other words, she loves and accepts you enough to make her face your canvas for a Jackson Pollock style splatter art. But my advice? Unless you’ve talked about how this might be a turn on for her, skip the semen facial.

2) Cunnilingus should be a short-lived but rough tongue-lashing. I can’t count the women friends who have cringed along with me at some porn scene where the guy is mouth-handling our very sensitive parts like they are made of shoe leather. Close-ups of the vacuum suction technique—where her clit is Hoovered into his mouth—or the move where the porn star all but crushes his face into her vulva and starts wagging his head back and forth make me think one thing: ouch. Sure, I guess if a woman is so turned on that she is ready for rough touch, great. But take a look next time at the porn star female who is trying not to wince while cooing in supposed pleasure. So instead of bludgeoning us with your tongue, start feather gentle and build up. Your woman’s breathing and sounds of pleasure (which happen well beyond the thirty second mark) will guide you.

3) Having a cock slap her face is orgasmic.  To this I can also add, and so is deep fucking her mouth until she gags. Point is, most porn has at least one scene where the women looks up lovingly while the man batters her face with his dick, or plunges so deeply into her mouth she is about to throw up (I’d like to know how many times the camera cuts after a porn actress vomits all over his dick). The film Deep Throat set a new standard for esophageal sex, but most women haven’t taken the course where they learn to hold their breath and dampen their gag reflex just so the guy can bury his member to the hilt in her oral cavity. Real women want to please you and will try their best to accommodate your length in giving a blowjob. The trick here is to remember to let her lead on the depth issue. And as for whacking her cheeks with Mr. Winky, ask first.

4) Women wear high heels to bed for pleasure. An alien studying human mating habits based on porn would surmise a naked woman wearing only high-heeled shoes is a part of some sex ritual or custom. But in real life, most of us women don’t like walking in the damn things, let alone wearing them to bed. And there are so many great standing positions we enjoy better when we are not teetering three to five inches above the ground, worried about twisting our ankle. Bottom line: the heels are just a movie prop (and for some people, a fetish). Why not learn to love (and kiss) our sexy bare feet?

5) A woman wants to lick the dick that has just been in her ass.  I am not sure this needs much explanation other than, yuck. While some women find pleasure in anal sex (there are lovely nerve endings in the anal sphincter) no woman I know gets excited about the anal to oral switcheroo prevalent in porn. If you try that move, be willing to kiss her right after to show you are an equal opportunity connoisseur of fecal flavor. But why not just skip this unsanitary move all together?

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While there are certainly at least another dozen sex moves from porn that don’t translate to mutual pleasure at home, these five topped my list. I invite my male readers to step up and also share with us women the moves in porn that don’t really work in your real life. After all, do most guys really enjoy sharing their partner with one or more studs?

The porn industry is an erotic visual fiction and perhaps, a narrative that takes the collective sexual shadow and brings it to the screen. But what porn is certainly not, and never will be, is reliable sex education. And anyway, the best sex-ed happens in the communication between you and your partner.

 

 

Photo: Flickr/rachelkramerbussel.com

 

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About Lori Ann Lothian

Lori Ann Lothian is a sexy daring writer who challenges assumptions about love, sex and relationships in her columns at Huffington Post and elephant Journal and in feature articles at the Good Men Project, Origin Magazine, Yoganonymous, Better After 50 and more. Former editor of the relationship section of elephant Journal, she is now a senior editor at the Good Men Project. Follow her on Twitter andGoogle. Stay informed, sign up for Lori’s mailing list here.

Comments

  1. I don’t like how you imply everyone is the same as you in the bedroom. Maybe you should get out more. Join the real world, the one where its not all about you.

    I’ve been activly involved in kink for years and met many people in to many different things, some I find attractive while others I hate with a passion. But I don’t sit around writing stories about them saying “its wrong because I don’t like it and the entire world is about me”.

    You are damaging to sexual liberation everywhere and should be ashamed at attempting to group everyone in to your own morals and turn ons.

  2. M.J. O. says:

    interesting, wouldn’t say 100% accurate, but interesting… my first thought is… as usual… What?!… i don’t know ANY guys with this kind of attitude and we tend to talk about stuff… That in and of it’self may explain the issue, the guys i know tend to talk… i like porn, i am VERY picky about it, responses needs to feel real, and it needs to be very intense… so I end up assessing a lot of borderline or full on D/s Scenes, (something that i’m comfortable in Real life with as well), Most if not all of these things are domination signals…. and ANY type of willing dominance MUST be talked about. That said it’s not just up tot he guys, if ladies don’t like rougher more extreme sex that is completely fine, but what about guys who can’t get a good response from the soft fluffy stuff Do they get any room? communication NEEDS to be both ways and completely honest… usually you can find a mid ground ( being a bit of a hard dom and having had Vanilla partners, if we could you can), but that has to come from both sides. if he ( or she) needs more extremity, and their partner needs a more candles and bubble bath moment then you need to talk about it.

  3. elizabeth says:

    There are some women here, and I know some amongst my friends, who are threatened by porn. It makes me sad! I think so much of that sense of threat is caused by social conditioning that tells us women we aren’t allowed to explore our own lust, our own wants, and our own responsibilities for pursuing those things. We must always remain the passive princess in the tower. Of course anything that appeals to our baser natures would be a threat. We aren’t supposed to have them.

    As a result, we miss out on so much. With a respectful partner (and most men are, don’t be fooled by the few who aren’t) exploring those boundaries can lead to incredibly physically *and* emotionally satisfying experiences.

    Men and women do get ideas from porn. But I’m not so sure that those of us who do then expect everything in the bedroom to go the same way it does on our computer screens. Porn is fantasy. The bedroom is real. Someone above had a great comment about the fact that what men are responding to is the fantasy, the willingness, the moment. Ladies, I really don’t think this means we all have to go turn ourselves into 20 year old bleached, shaved, spray tanned fembots. If there is a lesson to be learned from men’s interest in porn, I think it’s that of the interested woman- the one who likes to explore boundaries.

    I’m not suggesting at any level that anyone- man or woman- should do something unwillingly. But we may want to drop some of the fear, and approach porn as an extravagant kind of menu- a list of things we could try or not.

    • Ladies, I really don’t think this means we all have to go turn ourselves into 20 year old bleached, shaved, spray tanned fembots. If there is a lesson to be learned from men’s interest in porn, I think it’s that of the interested woman

      Exactly. I dont know where this idea that women have to look like perfect looking creatures for sex bcos men are watching porn, come from.

      Any sexually active woman knows that men are very forgiving to women on looks. Even average looking really fat women can have plenty of good looking men for sex partners. If anything its women who require men to be good looking for sex.

      • “If anything its women who require men to be good looking for sex.”
        Oh hell yes!

        COMMENT OF THE YEAR!

        • Hi Archy
          Confidence is what attracts us more than looks.
          Do you think sumo wrestlers in Japan lack women ?
          They are large men,but confident.

          • They’re also high status and rich. Do you think if you take the same man n woman, similar looks, sent them to get casual sex somehow that they’d come back with equal numbers? I guarantee the woman will find more partners.

          • “Confidence is what attracts us more than looks.
            Do you think sumo wrestlers in Japan lack women ?
            They are large men,but confident.”

            Yeah and Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Twilight movie stars, One DIrection , popular among women and girls because they are confident, not because they are good looking right?

            Give me a break.

            Give me example of young girls who crazy for fat ugly guys who are confident. Its all over the world. In my country in Asia, girls go crazy for korean boy band just like . Yeah they like them because they are confident not because they are cute and handsome right?
            Women attracted to looks and confidence just like men attracted to looks and confidence. Its no secret anymore

            The formula that describe men only go for looks while women only go for personality is old and rubbish.

      • Elizabeth, I’m not sure why you’re sad because other women are threatened by porn. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who very well may be threatened by porn. I don’t think the woman that isn’t threatened by porn is necessarily more evolved than the woman that is threatened by it. I think all that means is that these women see porn differently. Infact, how do you know when a woman is threatened by porn vs a woman who simply doesn’t like porn for x,y or z reasons? Why would you be sad just because someone saw something different from you?

        I also think exploring our own lust, wants, and desires can be a positive thing. But these things don’t have to be explored only one way. Porn is not the only way to explore these things. It may not even be the best or most productive way to explores these things. I actually think real life human beings are probably way more creative than anything porn could prescribe for us.

        I also don’t think anyone is disputing the idea of porn as fantasy. But the reality is that one reason people DO infact get sexually turned on by seeing porn is because there is INFACT a part of them that is buying into what is going on, on the screen. Have you ever seen a really campy horror or action movie? Where the effects are so unrealistic that you laugh or have no reaction or feeling at all to what is happening in the movie because it’s so unrealistic? Now think of the reaction someone will have to porn? They get turned on right? They are attracted to what they see right? There is a part of them that is buying enough into the fantasy to have both a physical and emotional reaction to it. Infact, science shows that are brains do not actually distinguish between what we physically do in the real world and the pleasure we get from what we see others do visually. It’s the reason sports fans get so excited watching their team. By association of watching the visual of the sport being played, inside their minds, they feel like they are playing too. It’s actually a much deeper and complicated discussion then simply the old : “Porn is just fantasy”, standard over-done comment.

        If you want to approach porn as a menu there to give you ideas about what you should or shouldn’t be interested, that’s fine. Personally, I rather discover those things on my own for myself completely independent from someone else’s usually hyper-masculine ideal is. The reality is that porn does leave an impression about how something should look or be. Even if we all logically know it’s fantasy. And while I don’t think all men expect all women to be 20 year old bleached, shaved or sprayed tanned fembots, the fact that this stereotype does exist in porn very strongly gives women a HUGE message about what men idealize or want the most over simply truly and honestly appreciating women as they are.

        Julia, I think the idea where women have to look like perfect creatures for sex came from was a lot of hyper-masculine media that tends to focus on a stereotypical idea held in general among all of us. Hence Elizabeth’s very own use of describing the 20 year old bleached, shaved and spray tanned fembots that each one of us is very familiar with as representing a kind of idealized epitome of female beauty in our culture.

        • Hi Erin

          Thank you for expressing so well what many of us feel and think about porn.

        • “By association of watching the visual of the sport being played, inside their minds, they feel like they are playing too. It’s actually a much deeper and complicated discussion then simply the old : “Porn is just fantasy”, standard over-done comment.”

          Post the proof please, because this sounds like utter rubbish. I watched porn earlier today, my penis did not enter another person, I watched real people having sex via a video stream but I did not feel like I was “playing too”, I never have because…omg I must be unique…I can tell it’s not real? You can get involved to some degree but if you do not realize that you aren’t actually participating in the activity onscreen then you need serious help.

          “They are attracted to what they see right? There is a part of them that is buying enough into the fantasy to have both a physical and emotional reaction to it.”
          That’s because of visual stimulation. An image is a visual depiction of a real person, a silly horror movie is fake because we have the intelligence to understand it is fake. We laugh because of the sillyness but guess what, Drama movies make HEAPS of people cry, that requires a HUGE level of empathy to connect with that person in the story because we can partially enter our minds into a story and be open to it. We can enjoy the movie but anyone with any intelligence understands it is a story, we can empathize with a character, be turned on by a character, but we still know it’s fake. Enjoyment taken from watching a game is extremely different to playing it, where is the sensation of your hand on the ball? Or your foot kicking it? Wheres the bloody nose n bruises when the tackles hit? Humans may derive pleasure from visual stimulation but any human that cannot tell the difference between porn and reality needs major help, or is so severely stunted in growth if they are not a kid that they really shouldn’t be watching it.

          There are plenty of women who get turned on by rape fantasies, does that mean they actually want to be raped? Part of them is buying into it, doesn’t mean they want it in reality. This is an extremely concept to grasp, things that are taboo can be sexy in FANTASY but can be absolutely disgusting or a major turn off in reality. Some straight men watch gay porn yet do not fantasize about real men they see, some women dream of being raped n beaten n what not and that gets them aroused yet the reality would be horrifying and they don’t want the reality. I like the James Bond fantasy yet it’s a miserable life to live. We can enjoy things that are fake but look realistic, or things others have done, doesn’t mean that is what we actually want in reality. Some like watching orgies yet are monogymous in their relationship and would never participate in one. That’s the strange thing about sexuality, it doesn’t follow our REAL attraction 100%, our fantasies can remain 100% fantasy and have nothing to do with what we really want in a partner. I’ve fantasized oodles of times about situations I’d never do because they look sexy but in reality it’s not appealing, and about people I’d never date or have sex with. Orgies can arouse me yet I have zero interest in being in one because I want just woman to love. This is why women who try to look at their partners fantasies and get insecure from it are failing themselves bigtime, they’re comparing themselves to a standard that is impossible to reach and most likely isn’t an accurate reflection on his TRUE desires for REAL relationships. If my gf fantasizes about porn, do you think I should feel insecure that I haven’t raped her or some weird shit like that?

          • Archy: “Post the proof please, because this sounds like utter rubbish. “
            Well I do like to post utter rubbish just for the fun of it. You found me out!
            Archy: “I watched porn earlier today, my penis did not enter another person, I watched real people having sex via a video stream but I did not feel like I was “playing too”, I never have because…omg I must be unique…I can tell it’s not real?
            I didn’t say you couldn’t tell it wasn’t real. There is a huge difference as to what *you* can tell is real or isn’t and how your brain actually formats information. Which is why I gave you the example of seeing a really campy horror or action movie. Horror movies are meant to draw forth feelings of fear and adrenaline. But if you’ve ever seen a really silly one, it just makes you laugh and roll your eyes. For a horror movie to be effective to our psyche, it has make something inside your brain respond to it as if it was real. To draw forth those emotions. same thing happens through pornography.
            As for proof, it’s fairly easy to find all over the internet. Visit The New York Times and an article titled “Your Brain on Fiction”.
            You can get involved to some degree but if you do not realize that you aren’t actually participating in the activity onscreen then you need serious help.
            Archy: “That’s because of visual stimulation. An image is a visual depiction of a real person, a silly horror movie is fake because we have the intelligence to understand it is fake. “
            Horror movies are “visual stimulation” as much as a porn movie is. It’s just that the “visual stimulation” leads to a different set of emotions and feelings. I still believe you are failing to see the difference between an effective horror movie and a silly one. I don’t think you understand very well what I’m saying and I’m not sure how to say it in a way you will be able to understand.

            Archy: “ If my gf fantasizes about porn, do you think I should feel insecure that I haven’t raped her or some weird shit like that?”

            I think you should feel whatever feels *true* to you. I don’t think we should continue to berate others by simply telling them they are “insecure” or that feeling “insecure” is wrong in some way.

        • elizabeth says:

          Hi Erin-

          On the point of fantasy vs reality, I couldn’t express it any better than Archy did.

          I agree that there are a lot of ways we can explore our own desire. Porn can be one of them. I think that many women avoid it because it gets to those aspects of our nature that are base; animalistic, vulgar. I don’t think these are purely male attributes. Women have them too, and it makes me sad because if we deny them we’re missing out on a big part of sexuality.

          This isn’t to diminsh the other aspects of sex- romance, love, friendship, playfulness. All these are important too.

          As to the stereotype of the porn actress- yes, the spray tanned fembot is definitely an ideal. But how many women do you see actually looking like that? Are they even pretty? I don’t think so. Perhaps one of the male commenters could speak to that. There are lots of different looks in porn- different skin tones, body types, not all stick thin by any means. I think the sexiest women in porn are the ones who are visibly enjoying it.

          • I do like seeing thin women, petite women, toned, even women with the thigh gap are attractive to me but I am also attracted to heavier women, women with more muscle tone, etc. I know a lot of my friends aren’t attracted to thin women though but everyone is different. The most attractive women are the ones that are into it, who are enthusiastic and enjoy it. That said I find I am attracted to a slightly wider variety of women offline in the real world, porn on video seems to lack a lot of things that can make you attracted when met face to face such as smell, etc. People look slightly different on the screen?

            As I’ve said before I don’t watch romance in porn because I make that up in my head, porn just helps with visuals.

          • Elizabeth: “Hi Erin- On the point of fantasy vs reality, I couldn’t express it any better than Archy did.”

            Then I’d ask that you take a deeper look at the intricacies of what I was saying. Please check out the article I referenced to him. I am sure that at some point, you’ve seen some kind of movie where the events where so unbelievable it gave you no emotional reaction but to laugh at it or roll your eyes. I am also sure that you’ve seen movies that gave you a very strong reaction whether you cried, laughed in earnest, where scared or excited. That is the difference between what our brains respond to. In all those movies you watched, you were logically aware that they were all just a story, a “fantasy”. However you still responded differently to the ones you didn’t believe at all to the ones that drew emotions from you. I can’t stress this point enough and encourage some more conversation on it because it’s a key component in how we interact with media.

            “I agree that there are a lot of ways we can explore our own desire. Porn can be one of them. I think that many women avoid it because it gets to those aspects of our nature that are base; animalistic, vulgar. I don’t think these are purely male attributes. Women have them too, and it makes me sad because if we deny them we’re missing out on a big part of sexuality.”

            I think many woman avoid porn because porn largely caters to men and leaves very little of a real voice for real women and their real sexuality. Base, animalistic, vulgar or not.
            Lets not forget that porn is largely created for men. And that because it’s largely created for men, that there are fantasies incorporated into porn that have nothing to do with how women may want to actually express their sexuality. I don’t think women are afraid of animalistic sex. I think a lot of women like the idea of how animalistic sex is portrayed through porn. At the end of the day, porn is created to make money. It doesn’t care about the men who watch it. It doesn’t care about the women it watch it. It doesn’t care about the men and women in it. it cares about what makes money. And often what makes money as little to do with real raw, pure, animalistic …even vulgar sex. You want that kind of sex? Fun! Bring it on. But define it for yourself. Not because of how a porn movie, a vision giving usually to largely appeal to men, made by men, for men, giving very little real voice or true openness for women.

            Of course, there are movies that can appeal to women but a large chunk of the industry is lopsided. It alienates women from the discussion because it leaves no room for women to actually be part of the conversation. It’s primarily male fantasy given in a format that most appeals to men and denies women agency in being a part of that discussion.

            Personally, I think it’s silly to encourage people to look at porn because everyone seems to be looking at porn 24/7 as it is. I’d like to actually see a more *real* approach to sex which I think would actually breed healthy and exploratory sex over anything porn could possibly offer. Whether that sex is vulgar or sweet, at least you would be doing it on your own terms.
            Elizabeth: ” As to the stereotype of the porn actress- yes, the spray tanned fembot is definitely an ideal. But how many women do you see actually looking like that? Are they even pretty? I don’t think so. Perhaps one of the male commenters could speak to that. There are lots of different looks in porn- different skin tones, body types, not all stick thin by any means. I think the sexiest women in porn are the ones who are visibly enjoying it.”

            I think there are tons of extraordinary beautiful women in porn. Actually, the most common type of women in porn proves to statistically be white ethnicity, big breasted, thin and young. While other types exist outside of that, it doesn’t disprove the stereotype or bring all that much equality.

            I also think you may have forgotten that the women in porn are actresses for the most part. They are being paid to play a character. To pretend they are enjoying what is happening. That’s fine and all but not lets confuse what their real feelings may be during the sexual act vs what they are actually “acting” out. Isn’t that after all the nature of your argument when you talk about “fantasy”?

            • elizabeth says:

              Erin-

              Please don’t suggest that what I choose to watch or what I choose to do in the bedroom is somehow dictated by corporate greed or patriarchy. I am a grown woman who is perfectly in touch with my own desires and my own limits. I’m getting really tired of this brand of feminism that excludes other viewpoints. The logical endpoint to your argument is that I have no agency because I respond to images and acts that you consider distasteful. That’s an incredibly arrogant stance.

              You don’t speak for all women just as I don’t.

              Getting to that point of agency- I simply do not buy the idea that we are brainwashed by images of fantasy. I just don’t. Adults are too smart for that.

              What else- alright, we can agree then that the sexiest women in porn are the best actresses. It’s a semantic point at best. Do you honestly think I wasn’t aware of that?

            • Amen to that. The anti-porn brigade speaks some of the most misogynistic crap I’ve ever seen, acting like women have zero agency. There may be some influence of porn on the young which is an issue but still we can make choices as adults to what we like. I’d say there is far more issue with puritan beliefs harming sexuality. There is quite a lot of trouble with limited variety in porn however new technology has reduced the production and distribution costs for porn allowing for much more variety.

              Even if kids look at porn, the only way it could brainwash them is when they do not have decent sex ed. Google the video “Children Exposed To Porn May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable”, it is a satirical piece on how porn can leave kids thinking sex is fun and not shameful. Funnily enough that is what porn made me think, that sex was fun, that both people were enjoying it and not just men alone (which so many people told me). A kid with decent sex ed should be fine, even if they see porn, why would it damage them? The main damages are forming unreal expectations of sex right? Why is that? BECAUSE that is the ONLY way they learn about sex and how it is performed. Did your sex ed tell you the positions to use, how to have sex, etc? Cuz mine didn’t, and yet I looked at a lot of porn and still understood that porn doesn’t show realistic sex a lot of the time because WE humans are that smart and can understand it. Talk to your friends, family, whoever, ask about how sex works, how to have it, go read books on it, research it, get better sex ed and that will neutralize the effects of porn in most cases.

            • Who are you refering to Archy because in this conversation, I haven’t seen anything misognynistic. If you have, can you show me where it exists?

              I’m not sure what women having “zero agencey” has to do with the fact that most porn is run for and by other men and their desires. Could you also explain this?

              I only re-accounted my experiences with porn and how i’ve seen men change in their expectations and desires since the advent of porn has become so popular. When I was younger, men seemed much more interested in sex as something that was suppose to be enjoyed by both and was suppose to be a communication between both. Today, alot of men seem to think that sex is just something you *do* to a woman and that now even verbally or physically abusive acts are “sexy” and normalized. *shrug*. I don’t exactly see more healthy ideas about sex or relationship in today’s world so I don’t think porn is doing us any favors.

              That’s great that you want to see something that both a man and woman are enjoying. But the fact is that in porn, THEY ARE ACTORS and ACTRESSESS. What they may actually enjoy and what they are paid to pretend they are enjoy are two different things we shouldn’t confuse. Yes?

              I think our society could actually stand to have a heck of a lot more positive forms of sexual education for kids, men and women other then what porn offers. Unfortunetly, porn offers the salcioucism that grabs attention in ways that more educational and probably more helpful information doesn’t.

              It bothers me that porn would be or is being used as “sex education”. especially since these people are simply *pretending*. They are not a real depiction of sex. I am not sure what you believe you are being educated on when you are seeing two people paid to pretend something for your pleasure.

              I am worried that we even need to neutralize the affects of porn. That line in iself says something very important about the reality of pornography.

            • “I’m not sure what women having “zero agencey” has to do with the fact that most porn is run for and by other men and their desires. Could you also explain this?”

              Read Elizabeth’s comment on denying agency, that is a start.

              Re: the misogyny, I refer to the outright slut shaming and degrading speeches some anti-porn folk often use that basically implies women cannot enjoy even male-typical porn with facials, etc. I didn’t mean you and I didn’t mean this comment thread alone. Think of the type of people that act like women in porn are ALWAYS damaged, ALWAYS the drug addicted junkie, people that treat the women in porn as if they are children and can’t decide for themselves to do such a career because they find that career abhorrent.

              “That’s great that you want to see something that both a man and woman are enjoying. But the fact is that in porn, THEY ARE ACTORS and ACTRESSESS. What they may actually enjoy and what they are paid to pretend they are enjoy are two different things we shouldn’t confuse. Yes?”
              Sure, but you also have to realize that at times THEY DO ENJOY IT. And depending on the genre, production company, etc THEY CAN ACTUALLY ENJOY IT. I’ve seen PLENTY of porn, probably 1000+ videos in the last decade where BOTH partners actually did enjoy it, real enjoyment, REAL contractions n orgasms, their body language indicated NOTHING BUT ENJOYMENT because it IS sexy to see and there are many videos which use REAL enjoyment and not just some fake stuff. The actor/esses get paid to be naked, film sex, sometimes to fake it and sometimes just to film whatever happens.

              “It bothers me that porn would be or is being used as “sex education”. especially since these people are simply *pretending*. They are not a real depiction of sex. I am not sure what you believe you are being educated on when you are seeing two people paid to pretend something for your pleasure. ”
              Have you ever watched much porn? There is plenty of porn that is REAL, I watched some yesterday. There are online webcam sites you can watch REAL couples having REAL sex with REAL pleasure, the only difference there really is they get interupted for requests and the camera angles favour some sex styles more than others. You can find plenty of amateur porn with REAL sex, and there are plenty of pro-level stuff with people just having REAL sex that can be very educational to people who haven’t had any. There are even videos made purposely to educate and show REAL TIPS because NOT ALL PORN IS FAKE. Not all porn actor/resses do it for money either! Expand your mind a little and realize that porn can be far more than fake sex, the overwhelming majority of porn I look at has real live sex, same sex I do in relationships with the only differences being mainly sometimes the camera angle favours a slight body position change and lighting is more important. Hell the porn I was watching yesterday was chock full of women having orgasms, real orgasms, using muscles that would damn near be impossible to fake the pleasure, leg n body spasms which we cannot simply just do on command (ones that I get in orgasm myself and ONLY in orgasm).

              “I am worried that we even need to neutralize the affects of porn. That line in iself says something very important about the reality of pornography.”

              Actually what we need to do is neutralize the puritan values that have severely fucked up human sexuality. Most of the damage from porn is because there is very little of discussion of sex in the modern world with family n friends, sex education at schools are a joke, so porn fills in the gap when it’s hit n miss on the quality of that porn. Do you tell your friends the positions you enjoy? Do you describe your sex intimately? If not then congrats because you are helping cause the issues too, like most of us, because we cannot get an idea of what normal sex is without knowing what we all do. The puritan values leaves abstinence only style sex ed which tells you nothing about how to have sex in a fun way, even the sex ed that talks about condoms, etc don’t tell you the positions a woman will enjoy most on average. So people are left with talking to friends if they’re lucky enough to have open minded friends (which is where I learned a lot, even had lesbian friends tell me how to go down on a woman) or you look online for guides, look to porn and you may be lucky and find correct info.

              If people had awesome sex ed, then the damage in porn wouldn’t really exist much. It only exists mainly because people don’t have much of an alternative. Teach people that some sex in porn is fake, teach them that camera angles dictate the positions in some videos, teach them that some actresses fake it, teach them that magazines often do photoshop labiaplasty because of stupid censorship laws. Already most of the damage is gone. Tell people to look at a variety of porn instead of a narrow amount. Teach them that there is GOOD porn, without the gagging n degrading shit. But porn’s damage is largely because of a lack of decent sex education and diversity in what people are looking at.

            • Archy: “Read Elizabeth’s comment on denying agency, that is a start.”
              I did read it. Which is what incited my question to begin with. I needed more of an explaintion.

              But thank you for clearing up my other question. I think you will see that “slut-shaming” and “degrading speeches” can come from pro-porn folks as much as anti-porn folks. I’m not sure it’s fair to simply say that that anti-porn folks are the only ones guilty of that. Heck, a lot of porn itself engages in “slut shaming” language and degradation. Although, this seems excusable as long as someone is getting sexually excited over it. Which is kind of a funny way to determine if something is okay or not. Is everything okay as long as it gets us horny enough? That might be another discussion.

              I don’t think I really ever encountered someone that thought the women in porn were *always* damaged. Although, I have seen people, including myself, that tend to believe that *A lot* of women in porn have been involved in some previous life trauma that has lead to the choice to be in porn. There is a difference between “ALWAYS” and “A LOT”, I believe.

              Archy: “Sure, but you also have to realize that at times THEY DO ENJOY IT.”

              Why would I have to realize that at times “they do enjoy it”? It’s “fantasy”. Right? Which is one of the biggest ways I hear porn being explained, as “fantasy” and “not real”? So why would I *have* to realize and make assumptions about what an ACTOR or ACTRESS is supposedly enjoying? Isn’t it more logical to assume that since they are an ACTOR or ACTRESS in a movie that they are WORKING. They may be enjoying something. But the truth is that they are doing it for WORK, to be paid to create a fantasy for others. Not necessarily for their pleasure. I think it makes more sense to understand that porn is “fantasy” and to not make assumptions about what an actor or actress may be personally enjoying simply because it makes me feel good or better to hypothesize over it. If we are going to look at porn and dictate to ourselves what an actor or actress is enjoying, than we are buying into it much more than we really should be. To me, it’s a very dangerous slope to tell ourselves what we think others are enjoying when they are paid to perform a task.

              Archy: “Expand your mind a little..”

              Are you suggesting that my mind isn’t expanded like yours is Archy? Could it be that my mind is expanded every much as yours even if I don’t see things *your* way?

              Erin: “I am worried that we even need to neutralize the affects of porn. That line in iself says something very important about the reality of pornography.”

              Archy: “Actually what we need to do is neutralize the puritan values that have severely fucked up human sexuality. “

              ACTUALLY, how about we do both? Because I actually believe BOTH hold their own value.

              Archy: “Most of the damage from porn is because there is very little of discussion of sex in the modern world with family n friends, sex education at schools are a joke, so porn fills in the gap when it’s hit n miss on the quality of that porn.”

              There absolutely needs to be more discussion about sex. There also totally needs to be more discussion about porn in an educational way, not a salacious one. And not one where the parent gives the child a brief little “porn talk” or “sex talk”. It needs to be an on going discussion just like sex needs to be. I suspect that parents talk even less about porn than they do sex when their children are probably looking at a lot of porn sadly.

              But there are many more elements at play than just what you’ve suggested. Unfortunately, while porn does remain a strong educator on sex, it also is largely and heavily biased to men over women. Which creates information to both men (boys) and women (girls) that men’s sexual needs are more important and that women are simply a product to be used for male gratification. This is especially dangerous in younger kids who think they are seeing a format of sex that is the “correct” way to have sex.

              Archy: “Do you tell your friends the positions you enjoy? Do you describe your sex intimately? If not then congrats because you are helping cause the issues too, like most of us, because we cannot get an idea of what normal sex is without knowing what we all do.”

              Some things I talk about, some things I don’t. Some things I want to be just my own. I shouldn’t be shamed because of that. But yes, more healthy conversation about sex can’t hurt. But that is only one part.

              Archy: “So people are left with talking to friends if they’re lucky enough to have open minded friends (which is where I learned a lot, even had lesbian friends tell me how to go down on a woman) or you look online for guides, look to porn and you may be lucky and find correct info.”

              Well Archy, due to my own experiences, what I’ve seem among men and my own sexual relationships, I’ve seen men who have seemed to revert and digress in their sexual education. And I think a lot of that has to do with the poor information they have taken in from porn.

            • “I think you will see that “slut-shaming” and “degrading speeches” can come from pro-porn folks as much as anti-porn folks. ”

              I know, didn’t say they weren’t. The whole dirty talk bullshit in porn is a prime example of that, I HATE when people refer to pornstars as sluts even when they like porn.

              “There is a difference between “ALWAYS” and “A LOT”, I believe. ”
              As I said I didn’t mean you, it’s others I meant. I’ve seen oodles that act like it’s always exploitive, there’s currently someone on another thread on GMP trying to prove this to me and failing miserably, even went as far to say I should feel bad about porn I’ve been apart of! (which was sexting to a friend)

              “Isn’t it more logical to assume that since they are an ACTOR or ACTRESS in a movie that they are WORKING.”
              But not all porn is paid for stuff, there are oodles that do it because they liek voyeurism. I sexted someone, technically I was in porn, I did it because her face lit up like christmas at the amazement of seeing my penis and it was fun for her (and the same for me seeing her). Even in pro porn there are plenty that enjoy the work, work can be fun. I take photos for work, that’s fun for me too. Of course there will be a lot that is also boring to them, the stuff on sets with multiple takes will be quite stressful (eg trying to remain hard/wet, in the mood) but stuff that is shot start to finish in one hit will be far better (sexting is more like that and online webcam shows).

              “ACTUALLY, how about we do both? Because I actually believe BOTH hold their own value.”
              I meant to say a lot of issues from porn directly start because of puritanism, slut shaming for instance, degradation, etc. Porn without good sex ed is far more damaging to a person who has had good sex ed, since they know it’s not always real and that sex varies a lot more than common themes in pro porn.

              ‘Well Archy, due to my own experiences, what I’ve seem among men and my own sexual relationships, I’ve seen men who have seemed to revert and digress in their sexual education. And I think a lot of that has to do with the poor information they have taken in from porn.”

              Did they get any decent sex ed?

            • Archy: “I know, didn’t say they weren’t.”

              You didn’t. But you didn’t exactly bring it up either. In that instance, you only mentioned anti-porn people. Which is why I made that comment.

              Archy: “As I said I didn’t mean you, it’s others I meant. I’ve seen oodles that act like it’s always exploitive, there’s currently someone on another thread on GMP trying to prove this to me and failing miserably, even went as far to say I should feel bad about porn I’ve been apart of! (which was sexting to a friend)”

              But if they infact do feel that it is *always* explotive, who are you to say that’s wrong? Obviously you have a different stand point but they are not “failing miserably” if they don’t see things your way or “fail” to justify things to “you”. You are not some higher power they have to *prove* something to. Obviously you have also “failed” to “prove” your own points to them. Otherwise they would agree with you.

              Archy: “But not all porn is paid for stuff, there are oodles that do it because they liek voyeurism. ”

              Yes there are. Does this automatically exclude the idea of objecitification? I’m not so sure that it always does. There are also oodles of people that made private-home-made videos for their own relationships that later discover a former or current lover broke their trust by posting it world wide. Unfortunetly, women are usually the ones that find a sexual video of them was posted without their agreement, more so than men find the same. It was in a recent article I read and what the article and professionals called “revenge-porn”.

              Archy: “I sexted someone, technically I was in porn…”

              I wouldn’t say someone who texted something sexual was “in porn”. I also am conflicted on what we define as porn and don’t. Sure, we can go by the book definition and say that all sexual material falls under one comformed umbrella called “porn”. But I think there is a lot more gray than to simply put every sexual act or text or visual someone does as automatically being under one huge umbrella called “porn”. Especially because when you say the word “porn” , objectively, I think most of hte public will think of it in it’s classic form first of mass produced sexual material. I don’t think it’s healthy to begin telling ourselves that we are all simply making or performing porn just because something I sexual either. Yikes, that’s kind of scarey if you ask me. I think there needs to be a distinguishment between “porn” and “sex” and frankly it frightens me that these two terms are being interchangable.

              I think what you choose to do in the privacy of your own relationship, for your own eyes, is not comparable to a mass marketed product.

              Archy: “Even in pro porn there are plenty that enjoy the work, work can be fun. I take photos for work, that’s fun for me too.”

              I’ve been told time and time again about how porn is “fantasy”. And that because it’s “fantasy”, everything under that umbrella of unreal sexual pleasure is totally okay as long as people don’t confuse it with real life. We are falling into a slippery slope when we begin to tell ourselves little stories about what actors and actresses paid for work really may or may not enjoy. Do not confuse the actor or actress with the fantasy they are creating. Even in couples that appear to be making a home-made video. It’s still a fantasy in a way. You don’t know what happens after that video shuts off, you don’t even know if both really achieved real pleasure if they were more excited by putting their own performance on. There are so many variables.

              Now obviously there will be people that do enjoy it or enjoy certain things, but at the end of the day, these people are acting a part and being paid to act it.

              Archy: “I meant to say a lot of issues from porn directly start because of puritanism, slut shaming for instance, degradation, etc. ”

              And I said that a lot of issues with porn also start from the over-sexualition and objectifiction of people, especially women, in society and in pornography itself. BOTH sides need to be addressed. Not simply this strange war that a lot of people want to fight on “puritanism” while not also wanting to address the over-sexualization and objectification that is also just as unhealthy.

              Archy: “Porn without good sex ed is far more damaging to a person who has had good sex ed, since they know it’s not always real and that sex varies a lot more than common themes in pro porn.”

              I’ve seen a lot of grown, fully developed, intelligent adults also be affected by porn. I think it’s a lie to tell ourselves that only children and those that aren’t educated about it are in danger. Which is why I have been open about relaying my own experiences and what I have seen happen to grown adult men and their inablity to relate to me less as a woman and person while they seem fully able to overly relate to pornography.

              Archy: “Did they get any decent sex ed?”

              How am I suppose to know the entire sexual history of what kind of sexual education someone got? All I know is that issues with men and porn come from all social levels, economic levels and educational backgrounds. I have to assume that from the mixed pull of men I’ve dated and had relationships with, that they also had mixed levels of sexual education.


            • But if they infact do feel that it is *always* explotive, who are you to say that’s wrong? Obviously you have a different stand point but they are not “failing miserably” if they don’t see things your way or “fail” to justify things to “you”. You are not some higher power they have to *prove* something to. Obviously you have also “failed” to “prove” your own points to them. Otherwise they would agree with you. ”

              I am someone that understands logic n reasoning, and it’s just not logical to assume porn is ALWAYS exploitive and can easily be proven that it isn’t? It’s like being told gravity doesn’t exist.

              “Otherwise they would agree with you. ”
              Some people cannot be told or shown the truth, we still have anti-vaxxers who assume vaccinations are bad who put ALL OF US at risk for their ignorance, how the hell do you prove it to them when science already disproved their fears??

              ” Yikes, that’s kind of scarey if you ask me. I think there needs to be a distinguishment between “porn” and “sex” and frankly it frightens me that these two terms are being interchangable.”

              Why is it scary? Porn is erotic and sexual content recorded, nothing more. Why do you think I get shitty so much when people act like porn is ALWAYS bad? Sexting is a form of porn, the pro industry is NOT ALL that porn is.

              “How am I suppose to know the entire sexual history of what kind of sexual education someone got? All I know is that issues with men and porn come from all social levels, economic levels and educational backgrounds. I have to assume that from the mixed pull of men I’ve dated and had relationships with, that they also had mixed levels of sexual education.”

              So what exactly harmed them? Most things that harm people in porn are directly linked to lack of education, puritanism, etc. Over-sexualization is a problem because of lack of diversity in media as a whole, if we showed far more cases of women being in all types of roles then the sexualization from porn would have far less impact because we wouldn’t just see women and sex together taking most of the media share.

            • Elizabeth, I haven’t made any specific comment about you personally and what you may choose to do in the bedroom or how much of itis or isn’t influenced by what you’ve personally seen. Any comments I’ve made are simply generalizations, not necessarily specific to your own unique life situation. Just as you’ve made your own generalizations about why you believe women believe or do certain things, specific to women who you believe have issues with porn; I’ve made some of my own generalizations. Neither generalization is “right” or “wrong” in their own context but each of us certainly do disagree with parts of the other’s opinion.

              I certainly think that if we are going to talk about pornography, it’s important to know the driving force behind it. Which isn’t to be a benevolent source of sexual release. The very real fact is that most porn is still largely made by men to cater to a male audience. Whether that’s right or wrong, is up to the individual. However, one can’t deny the lost voice (female) in a medium that is dominated by male wants and desires and how that affects the material being put out there. This doesn’t mean that women can not also want the same things sometimes. It does mean that women actually have a very small voice, if any, in what most heterosexual men are looking and seeking in porn since most of it is realistically driven by male producers and audiences. I don’t think I’m pointing out anything you’d even really disagree with but let me know if I’m wrong on that.

              Being aware of this and acknowledging this does a lot in possibly explaining the different ways women and men respond to porn and why men and women may or may not be more inclined to enjoy porn.

              I actually have no idea what you mean by “this brand of feminism that excludes other viewpoints”. This is my own viewpoint. Just me. One woman. Accumulated over time by my own experiences. That’s all. Nothing more. Just as your view point is of your own. I am not attempting to exclude anyone even if they don’t agree with my opinon.

              My viewpoint can not in anyway deny *you* your own agency. I have actually no judgement of *you* as an individual because you may enjoy images I don’t. I do not know if you are a *good* person or a *bad* but I suspect like me, you’re just a person who lives in the world and does both good and bad. Just like me.
              I never said I spoke for all women but I have made my own opinion be known just as you have.

              It’s not a simple matter of simply being “brainwashed” by images. Adults can be very smart but we can also be very complex. Our ability to be *tricked* by imagery actually has no baring on our intelligence. The two are not related. So it’s not a matter of Adults being “too smart for that”. Per the article I supplied, the human brain is a complex machine and our brains don’t distinguish between the pleasure of what we are seeing vs the pleasuring of what we may be actually doing. I refer you once again to the comments I made about our responses to regular movies.

              I actually never said anything about who the sexiest women in porn where and I’m not really very interested in making such a point because it’s not really a part of the topic that interests me. I was only interested in pointing out that the women in porn are at the core of it, still actresses and that anything they may be projecting on screen shouldn’t be assumed that is being enjoyed. It’s her job to pretend that she is enjoying it whether she really is or not. So it’s not really a good argument to say that the women in porn are enjoying what’s going on when we really don’t know what they truly enjoy since they are at the end of the day : actresses.

            • elizabeth says:

              And Erin, I’m curious, what kind of porn “can” appeal to women? What does our “real” sexuality look like? I ask this somewhat in sarcasm, but somewhat seriously as well. I have my own stereotypes about “porn for women” that usually revolve around soft focus, bear skin rugs, candles, etc, etc., which frankly for me is a giant snooze fest. You agree that women like to see more animalistic sex in porn. Can you point to an example? I’d like to be freed of this assumption I’m making, if possible.

            • Missionary position, not too long, after 20 hours of romantic foreplay with candles, special music, after he has slaved away at trying to please her of course! /sarcasm.

              I think she means however porn that isn’t catering ONLY to the male gaze, and I agree that diversity is needed there. Some of the porn that has gagging, slapping, etc may turn off many women (and men), porn that has unrealistic portrayals of bodies or very limited diversity such as the blonde bimbo can be boring too since it’d be harder some women to relate?

            • elizabeth says:

              I’m not so sure that porn caters only to the male gaze, that’s what I’ve been saying. But I’m interested to hear her reply. What’s a female gaze? And don’t we all own parts of each?

            • To be honest Elizabeth, I am less interested in what kind of porn can appeal to women vs what kind of SEX can appeal to women. Two very different things in my mind’s eye. Although I am sure that there is a wide range of porn that appeals to a wide range of women. Whether it’s healthy or not is up for debate. Women can fall into the same pitfalls of porn that men can.

              Regardless, porn is still largely driven by a male point of view and by male wants and desires. They can heavily influence how both men and women approach sex. This is still a major concern and point of interest. If both men and women are taking their cues from a medium that historically is known for catering to men, than what is actually happening to women? They aren’t getting much of a voice. Unless we are talking about the very limited subset of porn made for women, by women that most heterosexual men infact don’t want to look at.

              Pin-pointing our *real* sexuality is actually a very tricky thing to do since we are pretty much all influenced in varying degrees by the messages we’ve received about sex or the visuals we’ve seen about sex. Especially when we were younger. All I know is that I would like human beings to be given more of a chance to explore their own sexuality on their own terms instead of having messages and ideas set up for them since before puberty through things like porn. The average age young boys begin looking at porn is from 9-12. Someone’s real sexuality could very well contain hardcore sex acts or not. It’s up to them. But I do think we are much more heavier influenced by our sexual culture and pornography than you seem to. Which of is right? I am sure both of us think that *we* know the truth over the other.

              By the way, what I agreed to was that women can like animalistic sex as much as men. Visually or otherwise. I did not say that “women like to see more animalistic sex in porn.” Those are again, two different things. I am not sure what kind of example you are looking for. Or why you are looking to me to free your assumptions from. Women are very passionate human beings. Just as men are. And I think a lot of women enjoy being able to have a wild, free, safe session of sex. I do not think most heterosexual male porn supplies women with that. Even if that’s what men would like to happen.

              Unfortunetly, in most porn, it’s a hybrid fantasy of what men want in most cases. It’s too bad that men don’t want sex and depictions of sex to be more of a collaboration between men and women so much as they want to see their own fantasies rendered by other men, for other men acted out.

              You think women are threatened by porn because it shows “animalistic” sex (Although whose version of “animalistic sex” it is is up for debate). I think women are turned off sometimes or threatened by porn because most heterosexual porn actually gives real women and their wants and desires very little real agencey or voice over the male dominated fantasy world porn is.

            • elizabeth says:

              Erin,

              To me, your argument reduces to this: Porn is bad because it caters to men. Then you outline how from this initial flaw other wrongs filter down: brainwashing, and the loss of women’s voice on the screen and in the bedroom.

              Yet when confronted with several comments attesting otherwise, that women can and do enjoy these images, instead of reassessing your initial premise, Porn is for Men, you sweep the counter arguments under the carpet, suggesting that other viewpoints are either A) brainwashed

              “You want that kind of sex? Fun! Bring it on. But define it for yourself. Not because of how a porn movie, a vision giving usually to largely appeal to men, made by men, for men, giving very little real voice or true openness for women”

              Or B) male. Which by the way, is not intrinsically bad…

              Do you see that this is a bit of a circular argument you’re making? I asked you about a “real female” perspective on porn to give you a bit of an out, frankly. Instead you respond by saying you’re not interested in porn at all. Well ok then. I don’t see much to work with here.

            • Elizabeth, if you believe my argument is as simple as, “Porn is bad because it caters to men”, then you haven’t really given me a fair shake. I simply want to make sure we all understand this key aspect of porn and the voice it largely gives to male desires. This says nothing about the “badness” or “goodness” of porn itself. Although when one gender group tends to have a bigger amount of control over a type of media, over the other, it does tend to create an imbalance and limited voice to the other.

              This happens with both men and women. So this is to highlight the perspective at which we are seeing porn. Which is largely through a filter of what men largely want. I also was pretty clear in acknowledging that this doesn’t mean that there are women who can’t or also won’t enjoy this. So it was disingenuous of you to claim that I ignored any kind of commentary from you about your comments about some women enjoying these images as well.

              What you call “brainwashing”, I call “humanness”. There are certain facts and realities about how the human brain operates that has nothing to do with us being stupid or inept but everything to do with us being human. I worked in advertising for years and have a little knowledge in how advertising works on people of all social and educational levels. Having knowledge about how human beings absorb information is a key component in talking about how information, in this case porn, can affect us. I even supplied you with an article. I can supply you with more information if you’d like. Or you are free to search and research it for yourself.

              I’m not sure how making these points sweeps anything under the carpet. But in general, during my discussions with you, you’ve attempted to make these strange little jibs.

              Yes, I certainly still believe in my initial premise. And you still believe in yours. So saying that simply by being confronted with your and Archy’s viewpoint should have changed mine, is a little silly.

              No, I don’t see how I am making a “circular argument” although I do know I repeat myself a lot. I do that because I often find the comments I am repeating are ignored and not properly addressed. So I keep saying them over and over again until they are addressed. :)

              I also fail to see how asking me about a “real female” perspective on porn was to give me an “out”. I frankly don’t need an “out”. My opinion deserves as much respect as yours does and this need you seem to feel to condescend to others is transparent in sentences where you suggest you need to give others an “out”.

              I responded by giving you a very realistic and honest comment. Yes, I did say that I am more interested in the kind of sex that appeals to women over the kind of porn. But I did go on to say that I am sure that a wide range of porn that appeals to a wide range of women. How did you not see this? Especially since it was in my very first paragraph? Also, please review both the third and forth paragraph down in my previous commentary to get further answers to your question about a “real female” perspective on porn”.

              If you don’t see much to work with, then I can’t really help you. All I can do is discuss topics to the best of my knowledge with my own opinion in hopefully a respectful way. It’s up to you what you want to do with that. I’m not in charge of how much work you do or don’t want to put into something. That’s only in your power Elizabeth.

  4. I think that attempting to dissect the basis of human sexuality in any regard is a slippery slope. What is good for the goose may not be good for the gander. I have dated a number of women who like rough sex, even more than I am comfortable with, and who at least 3 of the things on this list were huge turn-ons for them. None of them were involved in any way in the sex industry. They just liked the rush and the visceral reaction of rough, animalistic sex. So defining something as “good” or “bad” when it comes to sexuality is, in my mind, not only a slippery slope, but utterly inaccurate.

    You may rephrase this article by saying “some women do not like these things” ,but then again, some women do not like giving blow-jobs, or having sex at all. Some women don’t like penises (those “real women” are called lesbians) and would prefer a man not get anywhere near their special parts.

    There is NO blueprint for sexuality.

    What this boils down to is very, very VERY simple. COMMUNICATION and being less ashamed to talk about what you like and what you don’t like. If your guy is going down on you and is being too rough, tell him, and let both partners not be ashamed…either to talk about it OR to be “corrected”. If you are into your guy “finishing” on your face (and again, I’ve dated women who love it) then tell him to do it. If you are a guy, maybe not assume that an extreme act like a facial should be attempted without asking.

    As some of the comments have posted, there is some suggestion that the “turn ons” that exist in that regard are connected to a greater issue of patriarchal dominance, but that is a discussion that is WELL outside the scope of this article. This article purports that “real women” don’t like these things. So what does that say about the women that I know, in real life, who do like these things? Are they perverted? Are they not real women?

    It’s not simplify things by suggesting that sexual acts are “bad” or wrong. That’s the exact same thinking that admonishes gay people because their sexual acts are “unnatural”. Nothing in sex that is consensual and done with open communication should be labeled as “wrong”.

  5. dalsgaard says:

    I don’t watch porn anymore for a myriad of reasons, but it was a real struggle to actually stop watching it. I believe it can be healthy to explore your own (And/or your partners) sexual fantasies through porn, but far too often it becomes a replacement, a crutch, or a form of escapism. With the advent of the internet, anyone can fulfill their ultimate sexual desires through vicarious living, even if those desires or not even physically possible. When are we going to stop and ask what kind of effect that has on the people who watch porn excessively, instead of just talking about how women are affected? Because when we do stop and talk about that, perhaps we will uncover a thing or two that is beneficial to everyone.

    • I think that’s a good discussion to have to odalsgarrd. Considering your own struggles, why don’t you write and article about just that topic for GMP? I would be interested in reading it.

  6. God meant for our sex drive to be channeled to a real live human being, not to a computer screen.

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