Melissa Mowry, a young mom of two boys, struggled at first in her marriage, frustrated that her husband couldn’t read her mind. She realized communication was the way they’d both get what they needed and preserve harmony in their marriage.
During the first several years of our marriage, I found myself constantly waiting for my husband to read my mind. I figured that’s just how it worked in successful relationships—if you knew each other well enough, eventually, expectations could be communicated non-verbally and all would run smoothly without the need for the angry side-eye or tension-filled silences.
♦◊♦
In those early days, we didn’t have kids and it was customary for us to get home after 7 PM, fresh from the gym or a long day at work, in need of a shower or a drink, dinner still an afterthought. Hungry and tired is a disastrous combination for me. I’m like the “before” version of those Snickers commercials until a scoop of peanut butter returns me to my default settings. So, I was constantly on edge the moment my husband walked through the door. I’d see the crusty dishes still in the sink from the night before or smell the garbage that didn’t get taken to the curb in time for trash pickup that morning and instantly morph into a passive-aggressive ball of resentment.
I’d slam around the kitchen while I made dinner, my paring knife stabbing at a bell pepper, sighing and waiting for my husband to of his own accord, take out the trash or dive into the pile of dishes. Except he didn’t know what I was thinking, so instead, he’d grab a shower or mix himself a vodka tonic while wondering what crawled up my ass. And on and on it went like that for years. Me never communicating my needs and my husband still without the ability to read minds. Angry side-eyes abound.
♦◊♦
Then our son was born. And life got more chaotic. There was more of everything and less time to do it all. The first few months of our son’s life were full of tears (mine) and eggshell-walking (my husband.) Sure, I was home all day, but I was pumping milk every two hours, folding basket upon basket of laundry and burp cloths and ponchos for our Exorcist-style puker and basically trying to keep my head above water. I didn’t have time to do it all.
I had this wonderful husband and I was blowing it, playing the martyr, thinking I was better off doing it myself and then resenting him for not pitching in.
|
And on one particularly awful day, I finally came to the realization that I didn’t have to. I had a spouse—a helpful, willing partner—who was waiting for me to tell him how he could participate. We were a team. We talked and got to the bottom of it: I felt overwhelmed and he felt useless, never quite getting it right, as he put it. I had this wonderful husband and I was blowing it, playing the martyr, thinking I was better off doing it myself and then resenting him for not pitching in.
So I vowed, from that day forward, I was going to be upfront about my needs and communicate them. And, in turn, listen when he communicated his needs to me. No, our system doesn’t always work perfectly but it’s worlds better than the way things used to be.
♦◊♦
Here are a five tips if you’re currently stuck in the “before” version of the Snickers commercial and want to get to the “after.”
- Ask nicely. Your spouse might be more than willing to help, work together with you, or pitch in, but he/she is not your hired help and deserves respect and a thank you. Phrase requests as a question rather than a demand. “After you get changed from work, will you have a few minutes to vacuum?” “Could you pack the kids’ lunches tomorrow? It would make my morning go a lot smoother.” And avoid manipulative behaviors like withholding sex. And no ultimatums.
- Set priorities.This one is still a work-in-progress for me, as my husband recently brought to my attention. I ask him to do a bunch of things at once and make them all seem like they need to happen yesterday or the world will implode. There’s only so much time in a day, especially if one or both of you works, so decide what’s most pressing and what can wait until you have more free time. That said, it’s also important to respect the other person’s priorities even if they’re not the same as yours. Maybe clean towels is not high on your list, but he hates wiping off his body every day with a towel containing the funk of 40,000 years. Compromise and see what you both find important.
- Involve your kids.If you have older kids who are capable of helping out around the house, assign them tasks. Not only will this make your life easier, but it will teach them about responsibility and contributing to the household. Plus, the faster you can get through the not-so-fun stuff, the faster you can enjoy other things you’d all much rather be doing.
- Make lists.I make lists for almost everything (I even schedule showering if I think it might reasonably happen) but I find this especially helpful when we’re planning for an event or entertaining guests. Since my husband doesn’t typically plan tasks this way, I often make a master list and then write our initials next to tasks we’re responsible for. It helps us both know our marching orders so, that way, there are no surprises when it comes time to carry them out.
- Cut each other some slack. Chances are, you’re both tired at the end of the day, whether you spent it working at work or working at home wrangling kids, or a little of both. There are times when tackling that pile of dishes or the unswept floor is the last thing you want to do. Give yourselves a break and realize that some things are better left for a new day when you have more energy.
♦◊♦
Since we’ve started doing this, there is less tension, more fun, and no expectations of mind-reading allowed. How do you divide tasks in your house? Is your spouse a mind-reader or do you have to talk things out to get your needs met?
Photo Credit: Getty Images
This post was originally published on One Mother to Another as My Spouse Isn’t a Mind Reader and Yours Probably Isn’t Either.