Lasara Firefox Allen wants men to know how to get sexy in a way that makes a woman feel free to be herself.
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Start with this: it’s likely that the women you are interested in, and who are interested in you, want to get sexy with you. It’s also likely that the women you want to get sexy with are afraid that if they do get sexy with you, you may not respect them afterward.
As outmoded as this may seem, the sooner you come to understand that these fears are grounded in a reality that reinforces them, and that you may be inadvertently reinforcing that reality, the sooner you will be on your way to creating an area around you that is a safe space for women to be feel comfortable in their skin.
How can you be possibly the ‘First Man Ever’ to encourage the women you want to get sexy with to be fully expressed in their sexuality? Here are a few easy steps.
1. Never call a woman a slut. Any woman. Ever.
Most of us are aware of the old double standard. He gets a pat on the back, she gets a slap on the hand. He’s a stud, she’s a slut. He’s a pimp, she’s a “ho.” He’s a dude, she’s a nympho.
Women and men alike fall into the thoughtless repetition of this kind of default name-calling. Without even thinking about it, without even meaning anything by it, even for nonsexual infractions against the standard format for interaction, women and girls are called names that lead to them feeling “dirty” about even the possibility of being seen as sexual beings.
Every time you call a woman – any woman – a slut or anything similar, you are reinforcing the idea that sexually active women are bad, gross, wrong, immoral, damaged goods.
The purity expectation is the expectation that you will be her first lover. Even if you don’t think you have this expectation, cultural conditioning is sneaky.
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I could toss a bunch of made-up stats out there about “how many is too many” as far as sexual partners go and illustrate the uneven playing field that way, but instead I’ll ask you to consider what your thoughts and feelings are on the issue.
This line of thought is perpetuating the “purity expectation”; another idea we wish had fallen by the wayside. The purity expectation is the expectation that you will be her first lover. Even if you don’t think you have this expectation, cultural conditioning is sneaky. I suggest, once again, that you sit with that for a moment and see if there isn’t some shred of attachment to this idea, as nonsensical as it may be.
How messed up is it that some guys will sleep with a woman, and then call that same woman a slut for having slept with him? I am sure you wouldn’t do that. But how does she know you wouldn’t? If you ever call any woman a slut, you are reinforcing the fear most women have that they will be exposed as a sexual being.
And in a cultural that vilifies a sexualized woman, that would be a bad thing.
Break the pattern.
Even better than merely not calling any woman a slut ever, how about taking it a step further and calling your bros on it when they inadvertently slip into this pattern? I know it may be a challenge to take the guys to task at first, but it gets easier over time.
Bonus: taking action in this way is sure to get you points with the ladies in your life.
2. Don’t sexually shame her.
It seems obvious; if you want women around you to feel comfortable in their sexual expression, don’t shame them when they express their sexuality. The moments of shaming that happen may seem harmless to you. But to her, those interactions may be deeply wounding.
Remember that a woman is already taking a risk by dressing or acting in a sexual manner, and even what you intend as gentle teasing or playful banter may actually come across as hurtful.
Shaming may be expressed as microaggressions. Microaggressions aren’t big and splashy. They can appear to be tiny, and be totally inadvertent.
While they may seem irrelevant if you don’t know how they work, microaggressions are an important concept to really get. Microaggressions are cumulative; they wear people down. They also normalize thoughts and behaviors that lead to the possibility of straight-out aggression.
Microaggressions are both the result and the cause of rape culture. Rape culture is the ultimate deterrent to women’s sexual empowerment. Recognize the microaggressions that allow for the continued deterioration of women’s sexual empowerment, and you will have made a huge difference for the women around you, and for yourself in the process.
Here are some examples of microaggressions:
- “Concern” for her well-being: Making a statement of concern implies that she is doing something that is dangerous. If what she’s doing has been deemed dangerous, why would she feel comfortable in it? Additionally, this microaggression is paternalistic, and implies that you believe that you have the authority to tell her how to dress or behave. It can also be perceived as a threat; the underlying theme of “If you know what’s good for you…” is a deterrent to a woman feeling empowered in her expression.
- Unsolicited input on her choice of presentation – clothing, makeup, etc: Unless she asks you, assume that she doesn’t want you to tell her what you think of how she’s presenting. Feel free to offer sincere compliments, but be conscious of tone and implication.
- The assumption that her sexual expression is for your benefit: Women want to feel free to express their sexual selves. That means having agency over their own bodies, appearance, and actions. When you assume that a woman is being sexy for your benefit – or the benefit of men in general – you are in essence taking away that agency. You are making the woman an object, a thing to be acted upon, instead of a subject; that which takes action.
- Making assumptions about her boundaries: Just because she’s dressed to the nines doesn’t mean she “wants it.” Just because she’s letting that other guy touch her doesn’t mean she’s open to whatever. This ties into the previous microaggression. She owns her sexual expression. And that’s what you want, right?
- Talking about sexual choices of other women in a negative manner in front of a woman: This not only leads to a woman potentially feeling shamed, it will damage her trust in you as an ally, friend, or potential lover.
When you are in a relationship with a woman, sexual shaming can become much more personal. When she says she likes porn, the best thing you can do is take it stride, and go with the flow. (Unless you don’t like porn. In which case take responsibility for your feelings, and your judgments off her expression.) Both an over-exuberant “OHMYGODFORREAL?”, and an understated, “Uh, really?” can make her self-conscious.
Don’t ask her how many lovers she’s had. When she says what she likes, don’t ask where she learned that. If she says she likes kink, you don’t have to like kink, but don’t say, “Really? Wow.” If you want the women in your life to be fully sexually expressed, shock or disgust will not get you what you want.
3. Be curious, while also maintaining excellent boundaries.
Easy-going curiosity is a great way to let the women in your life know that you’re cool with who they are. Also, being a good listener shows a woman that you’re really interested in knowing who she is. It’s also breaking a standard male-female dynamic; the one where women are supposed to listen, giggle, and play with their hair, and men are supposed to brag about their jobs, cars, and money.
Be real, and open, and allow and encourage her to be as well.
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Gross. None of us want to fall into that one, right? No matter what the PUA and MRA crap says, or the “how to get a man” tomes rely on, you don’t want to be known as your brags, and she doesn’t want to be known as her willingness to make you feel like a man.
Be real, and open, and allow and encourage her to be as well. Ask questions. Listen with curiosity. Engage with genuine sincerity.
4. Gently share your secrets.
Sharing secrets is a great way to create rapport, and up your intimacy quotient. It builds trust, and creates a bond that may help a woman feel safe with you.
One caveat; don’t over-share. Telling stories that are too intimate too soon may be received as a violation.
Cool secrets to share might be situations where you felt embarrassed but everything turned out well in the end. Off-putting confessions are humblebrags (“I don’t know why, but chicks totally dig me.”), the size of your cock, unresolved, uncomfortable stories, or “The weirdest ever!” tales.
Stay playful and light at first, and slowly move deeper as the intimacy allows. This builds on item # 3. Share and listen and create a sweet, safe, potentially very sexy bubble of intimacy.
5. Gently ask her to share hers.
Again with the double standard; as a man you have been told by the dominant culture that your sexual wants are to be expected and explored.
Yes, I know that if you have also been told a lot of other things from other sources. I also understand that you feel tons of pressure due to the expectations that the culture puts on you regarding your sexual expression.
That said, it’s still important to remember that she has very likely not been encouraged to express herself sexually. Remember that she has almost certainly been warned that her sexual desires are wrong, or that her sexual adventurousness is harmful to her, and even to others.
Without expectation, and with compassion, invite her to reveal the things she’s never been given the space to share.
Photo: Flickr/ky_Olsen
This is a fear that affects both genders, however. Guys are often afraid to express there own sexuality for fear of creeping someone out. What it takes is for both people to be open to one another and always try to make sure the other person knows their fears are not coming true (unless he really IS creeping you out, in which case you should definitely say something). But yeah, the societal mindset is riddled with damaging flaws, and it will take a widespread effort to fix, the more awareness there is, the better.
I agree with this article for the most part. In regards to sharing secrets and discussing one’s sexual past, most women including myself don’t have any issues with being asked how many people we’ve been with but on on occasion I had to set boundaries with an ex as he went a bit too far in terms of the sorts of questions he was asking and I had to tell him very bluntly that some things were none of his business and that he really didn’t have the right to ask. The should always be strong and clear boundaries for… Read more »
Agreed. Own your boundaries.
Thanks for this input!!! I am in a committed relationship with my girlfriend (we are talking about marriage) and I am working on a lot of the big problems that I have that have affects on her. I think that all of the items on your list apply to committed relationships too. When I think about it, I toss out so many microagressions at my wonderful girlfriend all of the time, without even knowing that that is what I am doing. In my discussions with her, she pointed out that she will never belong to me and neither will her… Read more »
Wow, that is a super intense place to be. And it sounds like the two of you have handled it all beautifully. Blessings to each (and both) of you.
Thanks so much for your comment.
Great article! When I was in an open marriage I had no hang-ups about teasing my wife that she was my little horny slut. You see when the ‘S’ word came up and it always does even if its someone else saying it I explained my view of the word because I have a different slant on it. You see I explained to my wife that to me all women are sluts. Because basically it is a woman that enjoys sex. Well unless you are very damaged goods either emotionally or physically then you should enjoy sex. This is weither… Read more »
Yeah, I get you. When a word is used in a safe container it has a very different impact than used without parameters.
great article 🙂 well written!!!
Thank you!
Big problem, I can’t even do any of this stuff for MYSELF yet! “1. Never call a woman a slut. Any woman. Ever.” I already assume/think most women see men who want to have sex with lots of women or sex shortly after meeting a woman as a piece of misogynist/objectifying garbage and attempt to “work around” that reality. “2. Don’t sexually shame her.” I’ve already been sexually shamed to kingdom come because I’m a sensitive guy and I want I hear from mainstream culture and from feminism is that I’m gross/disgusting/immoral for wanting what I want. “3. Be curious,… Read more »
Maybe we can all start STOPPING the shaming, and get honest with ourselves and each other. We gotta start somewhere. Right?
I’m all on board with the whole “not calling a woman a slut” thing (unless it’s a clear joke with someone I know well). I think women need to be free to express themselves sexually, free from moral judgment and threat of assault. I do get the feeling in the bulk of the article that the poor guy you’re giving advice to is damned if he doesn’t say the wrong thing at the right time about the wrong thing with the wrong inflection–if you know what I mean. I’m sure that your intention is for him to be honest, fair,… Read more »
My intention is really for him to examine his actions, and stay good with them. You know? Not that there is one thing to do or to say that will be right or wrong. The more flexible and open he can be the better, while paying attention to what may be very insidious programming.
As to feminism and sex, there was a serious split in first and second wave feminism. Sex positive feminism wasn’t even really a thing until the ’90s. Feminism is a balancing act, just like every other movement. Slowly all choices will become equal.
I find this article to be spot on. I have two close guy friends, one of whom I feel sexual with, but not the other. This list is a perfect summary of why there is that difference. One of them made every mistake / did the opposite of what is recommended in the list, the other did everything right by the list. They are both dear to me, and close to me, but the little things about trust and feeling open, they add up to the overall answer of whether I /feel it/ with him.
Yes. Thank you.
I love this article. When speaking of “shaming” men need to remember that most women have been shamed starting at a very early age, the media, religion and even other women seek to control female sexually by dictating what is normal, leaving many women ashamed and/or afraid of their own desires.
Too true.
One more important way, and it begins early. If you are a father, do not shame your daughters away from their first experiences, but share your values and the facts, and please give them credit for being different than your stereotypical “princess”. It is not only men who receive the proverbial pat on the back. Boys do as well, while the daughters are labeled disappointing. Truth, not fear, is the key to a more sexually responsible culture.
@Cindy,
“Truth, not fear, is the key to a more sexually responsible culture.”
I could not agree more Cindy.
Yes, Cindy. Well said.
It’s nice to hear what a woman has to say on this because it can be hard to get an understanding of what a woman feels on these subjects. I appreciate you speaking up. However: Gross. None of us want to fall into that one, right? No matter what the PUA and MRA crap says, or the “how to get a man” tomes rely on, you don’t want to be known as your brags, and she doesn’t want to be known as her willingness to make you feel like a man. Or how about the MRA “crap” that says guy… Read more »
Great article. Thanks for the share.
Good to hear from a woman’s POV. And the information on microaggression was very on point; microaggression is always present in everyday life, and all people need to understand how it works and how it keeps people down. Well done, Lasara.
Thank you!
“How messed up is it that some guys will sleep with a woman, and then call that same woman a slut for having slept with him?” Yes, the operative word here is ‘some.’ Most men do NOT engage in this behavior. It’s probably the same guy that a lot of women are picking from online dating sites or the player types. I am bit confused. You say that both parties should ‘share their secrets.’ Fine, if they so desire. However, I strongly disagree with this statement, “Don’t ask her how many lovers she’s had. When she says what she likes,… Read more »
Good point, Jules. If it is important to you that you know how many lovers she’s had, by all means ask her. If you are also willing to honestly reveal the same about yourself, that’s fair enough.
Boundaries are good! Own yours, and let her own hers as well. It’s a good starting point.
I guess my one caveat would be, if you feel that she has had “too many” lovers for you to feel comfortable being sexual with her, own that as your boundary, and try to keep your judgments off her choices.
Make sense?
Lasara, Yes, I can agree with you here. I have a low and limited number of partners and want the same from her. I have no problem whatsoever divulging my number and my history. It should work both ways. I call it openness and honesty. I want to address the name calling. No one should EVER resort to name calling, period. When I have encountered women that I felt were not sexually compatible, I have simply stepped away. I do not regard them as sluts,……They are simply not compatible with my set boundaries etc. I love women. I love so… Read more »
It’s excellent that you feel so solid in your boundaries. That kind of clarity is a truly wonderful thing.
Oh please. Insecure much?
@hehehe,
No, not at all. I just know what I like and dislike in a woman.
Just as women have multitudes of requirements for some men, I have requirements for the women I date. I am not one who believes in casual dating, hookups,……
” Remember that she has almost certainly been warned that her sexual desires are wrong, or that her sexual adventurousness is harmful to her, and even to others.”
As Lasara says, “Break the pattern.”
Great article and I look forward to more here on the Good Man Project website.
Thank you! <3