I’m certainly not a perfect dad by any means, and I learn every day from the mistakes I make. However, I’ll continue to be the best father I can.
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Even before Ben was born, I thought a lot about what I’d be like as a dad. Would I be a good communicator? Would I be gentle enough? How would I discipline my child? How would I get across the concept of responsibility and independence?
Now that he’s alive and lived the first thirteen years of his life, I can tell you I’ve made lots of mistakes.
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I knew I wanted my child to grow up being the person he or she was meant to be, not the person I envisioned. Maybe he wouldn’t be like me at all, and he’d hate some of the things I love, like skiing and writing. Maybe he’d want to be a hockey player or a brain surgeon. If so, I’d be completely open to that. I wanted him to discover his passions for himself.
Wow, all these thoughts running around in my brain before the kid was even born. When I look back, I realize there’s something to be said about taking one step at a time and living in the moment. Now that he’s alive and lived the first thirteen years of his life, I can tell you I’ve made lots of mistakes, but I also have a clear idea of what makes a good dad. Here are the five top traits that I believe make a good father:
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1. Consistency: I’ve discovered that kids don’t remember everything, but you need to assume they do. That’s because they’ll remember some of the things you said or did that you kind of hope they’ll forget. These are the things they seem to remember with crystal clarity. Like the day I said to Ben, “You’re really making me angry because you’re taking way too long to get ready for school.”
His reply was classic. “Dad, didn’t you tell me a couple of weeks ago that we’re all in control of our emotions? If that’s true, how can I make you angry?”
2. Listening: Being a good listener can open your eyes to what’s going on in your child’s mind in a big way. I listen to how Ben talks to his mom, his friends, his relatives and even on-line acquaintances. When your teenager knows you’re listening to them, you have a built-in connection. I’ve learned a lot about how to relate to Ben, just by being tuned in.
3. Walking The Walk: My biggest ah-ha as a father is realizing it’s not what I say that matters the most, it’s what I do. If I talk about the importance of honesty, and the next day Ben notices me telling a lie to someone, I have just committed one of the ultimate father crimes. None of us are perfect, but it is crucial to live by the lessons you teach to your kids.
4. Clear Expectations: I think this is my biggest weakness. I need to be completely upfront about what I expect and then refer to point number one–consistency. For example, I need to set expectations for chores, homework, computer time, and manners. I’ve discovered over and over if a problem crops up involving Ben, it usually goes back to the fact that he was not clear on his expectations.
5. Integrity: This is one of the most important character traits in my world. It can truly determine the way you think and the way others perceive you. It is an ongoing learning curve to understand what integrity means and become a person who lives it. I often talk about elements of integrity with Ben, but I know it can be hard for a kid to understand that integrity is being honest even when you’re sure no one is watching or will ever know what you just did. Integrity is being true to your inner self.
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When I was fourteen, the thought of being in a play never crossed my mind.
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I’m certainly not a perfect dad by any means, and I learn every day from the mistakes I make. However, I’ll continue to be the best father I can be by striving to stay on course with my beliefs about fatherhood.
Last night I offered to take Ben on a ski get-away. He told me he’d prefer not to miss school because he wanted to do his best on his exams. He said he wants to nail the exam in math, which is his favorite subject. He also shared that he couldn’t wait to take drama in the second semester and be part of the school play. Besides, he said, “I’ll be fine here by myself if you want to go skiing for the day; it’s not my thing.”
When I was fourteen, the thought of being in a play never crossed my mind and math certainly wasn’t my favorite subject. Ben knows he wants to be a scientist, get married after university and have his own business someday with a team of researchers.
Seems like he’s discovering his likes and dislikes for himself and is becoming his own independent, confident person.
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Photo: Flickr/ Ed Yourdon
These are awesome tips to remember. My kids are younger and I somewhat dread the impending teenage years. Thankfully I’ve established consistent communication. Now is just a matter of maintaining that overtime. Thanks for your insights.
I’m glad you liked my insight into fatherhood, DeVon. I’d say, don’t dread the teenage years if you can help it. It is amazing seeing your kid move that much closer to adulthood. And you will still be an amazing role-model, even if it doesn’t seem to be so.
Thanks Bruce! Keep writing man!