Five medical providers told her it most likely was not cancer. On April 21, her life changed forever.
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You have a wonderful home, a beautiful family, and an excellent job. You work hard during the week and play even harder on the weekends. You take fabulous vacations or just hunker down to watch a family movie. Yes, life is good. But, life can change in a heartbeat.
The first person I called, of course, was my husband.
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It did for us on April 21, 2015 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was so strange to hear the doctor say the words ‘breast cancer’ to me—surreal, even. Mostly because each medical provider (five in all) I interacted with during the previous weeks said it most likely was not cancer.
The first person I called, of course, was my husband. I think he took it harder than I did, mostly because deep down inside I felt the biopsy was going to be positive. Our lives are forever changed. I know what needs to be done, and I will do it. My husband may need more direction, as many men do because it is so hard for him to realize he cannot ‘fix’ this problem.
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Here are five ways men can support their women through this horrible, but necessary, treatment.
1. Most importantly, take a deep breath to gather your thoughts and feelings. You will, however, get through this because you have to. Cancer is huge. Cancer is scary. This cancer diagnosis is an emotional challenge for everyone close to you. But remember, it affects you, your children, and her immediate family the hardest. Make sure you talk to them and keep the lines of communication open. It will make a world of difference to her.
2. Attend as many medical appointments with her as you are able, but without jeopardizing your job. Remember, she is already out of work most likely so the family finances may be an issue. Enlist family members and friends into the rotation as needed. Remember, they also all feel helpless and would love to be involved. Know that some women need a lot more support than others so be sure to follow her lead. If she says it is okay not to go, then believe her and support her.
3. Remember, the woman is usually the organizer of the home. She keeps track of the bills, the grocery shopping, the laundry, and the children’s school/extracurricular/sports events. She makes sure the homework is done, the children are fed, their teeth are brushed, the work schedules are followed, and the last minute errands are run. She does a lot. You must give 200% of your effort for these things to get done.
It’s one thing to be out of work and feel the stress of income loss. It is an entire another thing to feel like the household organization is falling apart. Remember, stress wreaks havoc with our bodies and will interfere with her healing process.
4. Place a smile on your face even when you don’t feel like smiling. She is probably doing her best to stay positive for you and the rest of the family so make sure you do the same for her with flying colors. Try not to retreat into yourself as you most likely want to do. She needs you, needs your support, and needs you to keep the family positive. Sit with her at times to let her know you are thinking of her. Plan some fun family things for when she is feeling well. This will never go away for her, no matter what treatments she gets. It will always be in the front or back of her mind. Be patient.
5. Do not assume she wants you or anyone else in the family to shave their head for her. If part of her treatment is chemotherapy, she will most likely lose her hair. This is devastating for women. Sometimes even more so than the cancer diagnosis because no one knows she has cancer unless she tells them. With hair loss, she either has to buy a wig, wear some type of handkerchief on her head or wear a hat. By then, most people will know why. The secret is out.
This goes much deeper than a haircut for her.
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If you or a family member shaves their head, it is a constant reminder of her cancer. Unless she looks in the mirror, she may be able to think temporarily of other things. If she has to look at you every day, all day, she can never get away from it. Tread lightly. Ask what she thinks if this is your plan, but be sure to respect her wishes. This goes much deeper than a haircut for her.
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Men play a vital role in the treatment of their partner’s breast cancer. Although it is emotional, confusing, and frustrating for everyone involved, men have the ability to lighten the load of their woman’s burden. Even though they cannot ‘fix’ the problem, they certainly can make a world of difference.
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Photo: Flickr/ PepOmint