Let’s take a look at some of the main reasons fathers abandon children after divorce.
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We are all familiar with the image of an irresponsible father – the one that is all too happy to forget about his old family after the divorce and would avoid paying child support given half a chance. But what about another situation – when a previously loving and caring father cuts all ties with his children after the divorce?
He goes on paying child support without a hitch and sends his kids Christmas presents, but otherwise is virtually non-existent in their lives? This phenomenon is much more widespread than one may believe and has even earned a popular nickname of a Ghost Dad Phenomenon.
But why does it happen? Of course, each situation is unique, but there are major principles according to which they develop. Let’s take a look at some of the main reasons fathers abandon children after divorce.
6 Reasons Fathers Abandon Their Children After Divorce
1. Feelings of Loss
It may sound counter-intuitive, but quite often the main reason why a father in a role of a non-custodial parent chooses to fade away from the lives of their children is the feeling of loss that is exacerbated by occasional visits. When one gets to encounter physical representations of what has been lost, it suddenly gets much harder to deal with the issue than when they exist elsewhere out of sight.
2. Shame and Discomfort
Divorce is a painful and destructive procedure, often resulting in bitterness, especially if parents separate on unfriendly terms. Divorce is perceived as a major failure by society, and every new contact reminds the father of that failure, which may be made even harder by a number of additional circumstances: mother’s disparaging remarks about the father, especially in front of the children, presence of a stepfather virtually replacing the father in children’s lives, supposed court bias toward mothers, never-ending battles over child support and child custody. All this creates a situation in which the father feels that it would be much better to provide for the children at a distance.
3. Relocation
And now for something completely different and quite mundane. Divorce means that parents go their separate ways, and may end up in completely different places. No matter how much a father loves his children, he usually cannot afford to allow his entire life to revolve around them. He is supposed to have the best job he can find and look for better opportunities to improve his own life. When a father ends up in a different state, it gets quite hard to maintain regular contact. It may sound like a trivial a reason to check out of a child’s life, but then, most reasons are.
4. They Want Nothing to Do with Their Former Wives
When parents no longer live together, sharing custody of their children requires extreme levels of cooperation and mutual trust. Unfortunately, these are often in short supply with people who, most likely, just emerged from a legal battle and are still resentful towards each other. As a result, seeing their children while at the same time having to interact with their ex-wives causes some Dads to check out of what they feel is conflict that just isn’t worth it.
5. Law Makes It Difficult for Them to Perform Meaningful Parenting Roles
A non-custodial parent, by definition, has a very limited impact on the life of a child. Usual visitation arrangements being something like one evening a week and alternating weekends means that the father is no longer a parent per se, but rather a visitor. He doesn’t take part in routine activities of his child, the law removes his parental authority if he doesn’t fight for his right to parent his children and forces him into a position of an entertainer rather than a parent – which is unfulfilling both for the father and the child.
6. They Define Their Parenting Role in Economic Terms
Especially if prior to divorce the father in question considered his main purpose as a parent to be that of a provider for the family. Such fathers tend to compare themselves to “deadbeat” fathers who don’t pay child support and don’t care about their children at all. Rather than seeing their own lack of contact with their children as a departure from what is normal, they perceive themselves as doing better than the majority of divorced fathers and are content to define their participation in financial terms.
Of course, each particular case has its own distinctive features, and no two scenarios are the same. However, it is important to understand the other side of the argument – and these are the reasons that most often that men check out of their children’s lives.
I’m not divorced but separated from my daughters mother. We have 2 daughters. 2 and 6 years old. I was being cheated on regularly once our first was born. Seemed as if she felt I was locked in. I dealt with it for years and took full financial responsibility for our daughter, my ex, and all bills. Later came our 2 year old. We had very little sexual contact but it happened. While she was pregnant with our youngest I was being cheated on still. So once our youngest was born I left after 6 months due to the mothers… Read more »
Your kids need your presence in their life, not your money. Especially if their mother is as you describe. My Dad abandoned us after he left us to start a new life with the woman he was cheating on my mother with. He paid child support, but guess what? When you’re 5 years-old you don’t give a shit about money. You need your basic needs met, and that’s it. I never wondered if my Dad paid his child support every month, but I cried myself to sleep every night wondering why he didn’t love me and didn’t want anything to… Read more »
My ex is doing same thing to our only son. The woman he cheated on me with when our relationship was at the upmost best ever, which was shocking. We divorced, he moved to Mexico to live with his newbie, left son out. Sends CS, but has not seen son in over 3 years even though the Dad comes to the states every few months, visits his parents, sisters, etc. but will not see his son. Blames me because our son hates the newbie. I have begged my son to please like the newbie, but he will not. Divorce destroys… Read more »
It’s not so cut and dry when you ex husband the father that was the best father ever just stopes being a good father because he now has a new family and is under so much pressure to be a great father to his new children that he just forgets about his own😟
What I’ve observed is that the majority of the time the mother has litigated the father out of the child’s life in hopes of a bigger support check.
Agree. I’m a future step mom. And 100k dollars later, the next decision is to continue fighting and lose all retirement funds or let go.
I disagree that most women are looking for a bigger support check. These women were married to the men and had children together with an understanding that they will raise them together till the kids are adults. Marriages are not mere financial transactions and the men who leave and “other women” aka affair partners who make the first wife sound like a selfish and greedy person do not even have the slightest comprehension about the emotional loss children feel that the mother has to grapple with everyday. The man WALKS AWAY, leaving the kids in the hands of the wife.… Read more »
My ex wife is a narcissist who wants no money but control. I confronted her parenting (she got full custody because I didn’t have a lawyer and the judge gave her full physical because I let them visit family out of state) because of his stealing and misbehavior-her response is to sue me for full legal custody. I haven’t checked out of his life. The peace I have is in the hope that I will out live her and have the chance to defecate on her grave.
Most child support payments are so minimal that it hardly makes a difference. My father was ordered by the court to pay $50/month for three children! He still refused to pay it.
Adozen more real reasons some fathers check out: 1. They’ve abandoned their kids financially, and feel guilty when they see the results. 2. They smashed up their families through affairs, violence, or abuse. They avoid facing the kids’ anger and disappointment by avoiding the kids. 3. Their new woman wants them, not their kids. She sabotages the relationship, and the father lets her. 4. The kids resent their father’s new partner. Maybe she’s their age, and it’s hard to defer to her. Maybe she helped him betray their mother. Maybe she’s awful to them, or favors her own kids. 5.… Read more »
Sounds like you were cheated on. Congrats.
“supposed court bias toward mothers” Really…..a rigged system is only seen as a supposed bias?
Who suffers besides the kid though? The mother gets a new man, so you’re usually not punishing her.
Children are going to have pain in their lives. What they do with it will be how they see their parents cope.
Women who use the legal system to kidnap their children should be seen for what they are-and publicly hanged, then drawn and quartered.
I agree with Dan. Too many mothers think they know best and use the legal system to litigate dads out of their lives all while using child support as a means to keep dad in economic checkmate. it’s an abomination and creates so much hatred in a man’s life that all he can hope for it a painless death or to watch his ex wife live out a painful existence she helped create.
Yes I liked that comment too. No uterus, no rights.