Steven Lake Explores the Influences That Challenge Men to Remain Faithful
—
There are many challenges, both from within and from without, that threaten the health of a long-term monogamous relationship. Here are the top seven that I hear on a regular basis from friends and from clients:
1) Boredom
2) Growing apart
3) Biology
4) Unrealistic expectations
5) Media messages and pornography
6) Balancing work and the relationship
7) Finances
Let’s examine each of these in turn.
1) Boredom
How long does it take before you and your partner have told each other your life histories, your hopes and dreams, and the daily issues of work? One month, six, one year, three, maybe a bit more, but before long you have pretty much run through all the topics. Sure there are always some major items to discuss like whether or not to have kids and when, should we buy a new car or not, and where are we going to vacation this year and can we afford it? But these blips on the radar screen of life are exciting for just a few moments and then you are dragged back into the day-to-day grind of stifling sameness. An unchanging horizon of dull flatness.
◊♦◊
And after a number of years you look over at your partner and wonder, who is that person? He or she may even look radically different – they’ve gained weight or lost it, stopped wearing the clothes they used to wear (in the bedroom and out of the bedroom), they have a different job, or no job. There you are, sitting on your recliner contemplating what happened. You yawn, scratch your butt, and think, “What happened, I am so bored . . . with her, with life. I need a change.”
And this is when DRAMA enters your life. It can be an affair, a massive change in career, or a favorite of Boomers, a Harley. Something, anything that will put excitement back into life. The mind loves novelty. When I first got together with my partner, she said to me, “Don’t ever bore me.” Whoa! That was a challenge. Not something I ever heard from a young woman. My partner was forty-five at the time and, I guess, knew the importance of novelty, excitement and the dangers of boredom.
◊♦◊
I love excitement too.
And like the frog, when you finally notice that you and your partner share nothing in common, you’re done.
|
I ski, play tennis, hike in the mountains, attend cultural events and have an active social life. I also work a lot on my businesses and this has led to a certain predictability in my behaviour, like working long hours on the computer, worrying, and not paying as much attention to my partner as she would like. Fortunately, she is vocal about her needs and I get to self-correct which not only keeps her happy, but brings balance back into my life.
If life becomes boring, look first to yourself. Are you, or have you become boring? You have control over yourself not others. If you are bored with your partner, you need to talk and make some changes to bring life back into the relationship. Because, if you don’t, this leads to . . .
2) Growing apart
This is usually a longer process. It is often a consequence of being bored in the relationship and disengaging from your partner. The sad thing is, like the frog in the boiling water story, the heat keeps increasing but at such a low and slow rate that the frog never notices until it is too late. And like the frog, when you finally notice that you and your partner share nothing in common, you’re done.
Sometimes this process is not an issue of neglect, but of two people who are highly engaged in life, just in opposite directions. One partner may be highly involved in social causes, the environment, and the community. The other person may be a hard charging business person travelling the globe putting together business deals and focusing on climbing the corporate ladder (notice which gender you attach to which person/work). After a number of years, this couple looks at each other and realize that they have little in common. They may still like one another, but there is not enough commonality to keep the relationship together.
3) Biology
Are we Bonobos wanting sex with anyone of our species or are we inclined to monogamy, or something in-between? I have been a serial monogamist with bouts of wildness between major relationships. All the guys I know, as much as they love their partners, would be fine with having lovers on the side if there were no consequences and the marriage/relationship would not suffer. Unfortunately, that is not life for most heterosexual men live with the pressure of testosterone making us keenly aware of other women. That is not to say that some men only desire their partners – I have heard such stories . . . in academic journals and romance novels.
Gottman also stated that respect for the other person is critical in being able to work through conflict and have a successful relationship.
|
This issue is a topic of conversation whenever a group of my buddies get together. How to manage our desires is no easy feat. In my practice of late, I have many men who are having affairs. This is extremely stressful and most of them are somewhere in the divorce process now that the affair has been found out. These are not uncouth louts either. They are educated, successful (financially) family men who say they care deeply for their partners but . . . fill in the blank. They drifted apart, sex became sporadic or boring, the kids left, and when they looked at each other there was an emptiness. For the younger men, they work in a culture of entitlement where they have a trophy wife and sex on the side is considered no big deal.
4) Unrealistic expectations
People live longer than ever before and thus relationships, even with the high divorce rate, last longer. The psychological demand to maintain a healthy and happy relationship in our stressed-out world is large. When I read accounts of happy long-term relationships, one of the attributes identified for success is acceptance of the other person. Acceptance of who they are as a person, warts and all. Acceptance of their strengths and weaknesses.
Another factor is the ability to work through conflict. Gottman, a leading researcher in the field of marriage, talks about the importance of realizing that some differences can be resolved, and others cannot. Sort of an agreement to disagree. This implies the ability to accept, not having to win, not getting your way all the time, and knowing that another person can have a different point of view than you and that does not mean your point is invalid or that the other person is wrong. Gottman also stated that respect for the other person is critical in being able to work through conflict and have a successful relationship.
◊♦◊
I know I entered adulthood thinking that once I was in a relationship it would magically get better with time. The part I was not aware of was that in order for this to happen, I would have to be proactive in contributing to this concept – it would not happen on its own. Who knew – not me!
Unrealistic and opposing expectations were fed to me by my family, church, and media. Trying to discover what forces were driving my beliefs and behaviours took many years. Furthermore, to actively engage in challenging those beliefs and develop a new way of seeing and engaging the world took even more awareness and effort.
5) Media messages and pornography
It is one thing to know I have strong sexual urges, on a daily basis, and it is another to be bombarded with sexual images literally thousands of times by TV, magazines, and billboards. It is endemic, even Facebook has scantily clad women in enticing poses beckoning us to “click here” for more appetite whetting visuals. It is amazing that men can think at all. But we do, and I think that says something in our favor.
However, many men get caught in pornography and this becomes a wedge that creates not only a distance between men and women, but an unreality of the virtual and real, with the virtual in its perfection, trumping the real. This has become such a problem that there are now groups of men who are pledging themselves to sobriety from porn, because they want to re-connect with real live women.
6) Balancing work and the relationship
Fifty years ago, a person could work, be married with a non-working spouse, have kids and a mortgage and pay for it all. Not anymore. For the average family, it takes two people working full time to manage all the expenses.
Not only are both adults working, they are often working longer hours. On top of this there is the rush to take the children to all their activities both during the week and throughout the weekend. It is a never ending dash from one engagement to the next. Somewhere in there, we are supposed to maintain relationships with our extended family, relatives and friends. A time management guru once said, there is no such thing as work/life balance – there are only choices as to what we are going to be busy with.
◊♦◊
The first casualty in this time strapped world is often our primary relationship. We assume because we have made a commitment to be together, that somehow that commitment will carry us through the tough times. It may indeed carry us through the tough times, but it will be slowly eroded through lack of attention.
Like the newly planted tree, without constant watering and attention, the tree will get sickly and bear no fruit. Likewise, your relationship will die on the vine without nurturing. And who has time for that? Yet, we must somehow carve out time for the relationship and this is accomplished by making the relationship a priority. By giving it time. The most precious gift we have. If you don’t, life will get very expensive. Speaking of expenses . . .
7) Finances
Finances are listed as one of the top issues for couples going through marital difficulties. I think the financial troubles are a consequence of deeper issues. Whether it be a lack of communication between couples, or a trade-off, where one spouse is getting back at the other for not getting what they really need, which is usually time and attention.
It is easy for finances to become the flash point for difficulty in a relationship. People are more willing to talk about sexual issues than about their finances. Imagine a young couple getting together and making the decision to rent or buy an apartment. How do they feel about money? Are they savers, spendthrifts, and do they manage money or are they managed by money? I know very few couples that have identical relationships with their money.
Over time, a détente is reached on how money is managed with flare-ups occurring every now and then. I have talked to men and women who really hate the way their spouses deal with money. This, of course, adds stress to the relationship. And, as money comes into and leaves the house on a regular basis, it is a chronic issue.
◊♦◊
These are the top 7 challenges I have identified that get in the way of men having a successful monogamous relationship. Each one on its own can kill a marriage. Together, they are like the seven deadly sins that conspire to pull us down into a well of despair, anger and hopelessness. But don’t let these words make you lose hope. I am an optimist and there are many happy relationships out there.
Next week I will look at some of the factors that contribute to staying together and having a rich and satisfying relationship. Until then, add your comments below and any challenges that you would like to add to the list.
Photo: Getty Images
Does the photo really need to be of a female escort.
Qartz says that men are better at commitment than women. Are you serious????? Then he/she says that divorce is the ultimate form of infidelity and that’s pretty a woman’s game. Jesus…. What universe are you living in? Since when are men better at commitment (fidelity)? Really? From what I’ve seen over many years of life is that once a woman has children, she will do almost anything to keep her marriage – even staying in an abusive relationship, while her partner is always on the lookout for a “better partner” using the old testosterone excuse as a rationalization for not… Read more »
If anything, women starting divorce more could also mean that… women are not that monogamous as well. Of course not, females always want the best male, and they always find someone better, than another even better and… genetic diversity is what nature wants. Estrogen also always keeps them wet and ready and boosts their libido.
If the evidence shows women are at least twice as likely to renege on a publicly sworn lifelong commitment, as it does, then men are not the ones with the commitment problem. Or, at least, if they do have a commitment problem, it’s a different one. Calling me names won’t change the large quantity of research upholding this fact. I think one thing going on is that men tend to want different things from relationship. Women see relationships as primarily intended to make them happy. If they become unhappy, they want their partner out of the picture. Men tend to… Read more »
While children of divorce often turn out just fine the guy who went on a rampage in Santa Barbara was a child of divorce as was the guy who opened fire on the children in Newtown, CT. I could cite many other examples, but a disturbing common thread exists among children of divorce and studies support that. Which is why we should consider what we are doing when we enter into marriage. We are entering into a relationship that will have a ripple effect on society, possibly for good as well as for bad, but more likely for good if… Read more »
Upwards of 90% of relationships are the result of the stark terror folks (men and women) feel at being alone for even moderate stretches of time. If people could admit this to themselves, the world would indeed be a more harmonious place.
I remember watching a talk show. A woman was complaining that her husband was spending all his time at strip clubs. As the conversation unfolded, we find out that the trouble started when a friend got married. He went to the bachelor party and she to the bachelorette party. Both parties were held at strip clubs. Sounds fair except the strip club she went to allowed her to touch the dancers so she said she touched. Of course that got cheers from the almost exclusively female audience. I remember sitting at home thinking that he viewed touching as cheating and… Read more »
“ All the guys I know, as much as they love their partners, would be fine with having lovers on the side if there were no consequences and the marriage/relationship would not suffer. Unfortunately, that is not life for most heterosexual men live with the pressure of testosterone making us keenly aware of other women. That is not to say that some men only desire their partners – I have heard such stories . . . in academic journals and romance novels.” This issue is a topic of conversation whenever a group of my buddies get together. How to manage… Read more »
If that was really the case, gay men would only have open relationships, IF we would have relationships at all. But no, I am “naturally” (how I grew up to be) monogamous, and so is my partner and many friends of mine. I do not feel the need to stray because of “testosterone”. That is straight male bullshit, mostly. To try to make women feel uncomfortable, you know. I don’t know why, but many straight males have this urge to try to convince women they are oh so different because of ~hormones~ and so much more sexual and, well, women… Read more »
I am glad you shared. Thank you very much for that Luz.
You are welcome!
And if we ever feel strong urges, we could just masturbate. It never goes wrong, no need to stray. 😀
Oh, and yes: it seems like lesbians cheat the most and women (female humans, by nature and in general) may be more promiscuous, more aggressive sexually while being less inclined than men toward monogamy.
You are welcome!
And if we ever feel strong urges, we could just masturbate. It never goes wrong. 😀 Do not pay attention to these “macho” articles, they are a pain.
Oh, and yes: it seems like lesbians cheat the most and women (female humans, by nature and in general) may be more promiscuous, more aggressive sexually while being less inclined than men toward monogamy.
Get a Grip and quit acting as though women have the moral high ground. Women cheat just as much, if no more, than men for a whole host of reasons- some good, some bad, or for no reason at all! 70 percent of heterosexual divorces are filed by women which explains why lesbians have the highest divorce/break-up rate in all the countries that have some form of legal recognition for same sex couples! The stereotype claims that women are more monogamous and commitment-oriented, the hard facts show something different. Which one do you want people to believe? The archaic gender-based… Read more »
I don’t remember “acting” like anyone had the moral high ground. Although I don’t understand why you are criticising the idea of having morals to begin with. *This* article took a specific perspective around men being in committed relationships. Read the title:” 7 Challenges of Being Good Men in Committed Relationships”. It was not called, “7 Challenges of Being Good Women in Committed Relationships.” I want to talk about this topic in the light it was presented, from the angle it took. I am not interested in talking about all the possible variables , all the other angles, of all… Read more »
Hi MJ You write : “So the point is, why is this article about how to force yourself to be something you aren’t, and pretending that only men have that challenge, ” I can not see Steven try to force anyone of us into long term committed relationships! The thing is MJ that some of us want it. We can have all sorts of reasons why we want it. But to want a committed long term relationship has to be respected just like we have to respect other lifestyle choices. Age is also a factor here. I have no research… Read more »
Of course men want to be monogamous as they age. It’s the time when men are looking for a nurse.
My point is not about monogamy, btw. My point is about cutting out the false drama. Some men are naturally the one-woman type. Lots are, actually. Some women are naturally the one-man type. Lots are, actually. And some men aren’t and some women aren’t. Both are cheating at the same rates for different reasons. And with those who cheat, there are those who don’t. So the point is, why is this article about how to force yourself to be something you aren’t, and pretending that only men have that challenge, when: 1) You don’t have to force what doesn’t come… Read more »
What God hath brought together let no man put asunder.
Are you that weak and uncommitted that you can’t control your urges and are unable to be dedicated to someone meaningful to you?
What I’m wondering while reading this is what’s up with all of this false drama? If it’s ‘so hard’ to be monogamous, why be monogamous? Why not suggest an open relationship from the get-go? Also, studies show both men and women cheat at the same rates albeit for different reasons. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/women-cheating-men-study/story?id=13885519 This narrative about how men are more biologically predisposed to cheat; about how it’s “so hard” not to…all of this false drama is a kind of false pumping up of men at the expense of a useful conversation on men (or women) and frankly the topic is boring. Thanks… Read more »
A monogamous lifetime committed relationship between one man and one woman is the ideal environment for raising children. That is why you are monogamous.
Says who?
Men love to use the excuse that they’re “wired” to not be monogamous.
If they’d think with their heads instead of their penises, they might realize how stupid they
sound.
If men are not wired that way, even less women would be. Females always want the strongest male(s) (physically muscular and toned, big, beautiful skin/hair, virile and young – in nature, it is mostly only females that choose males for their fitness/beauty) and well, we can always encounter a male stronger than the last one every day. Also we need diversity for the species to stay strong. So yes, let’s get pregnant every time from a different male like nature intended, and have sex every time with a different male because instincts. Oh, and orgies: females of many species love… Read more »
ha! yes. this.
love it
Wrong list. #1 is sexless, frigid wife.
Maybe, Parson, you should look at yourself with why she’s frigid. Maybe what you’re doing/not doing is the problem. If you satisfy your wife, she’ll come back for more. You sound to me like a wham bam thank you ma’am kind of guy. Do you also stray, using the age-old male excuse that you’re not getting any at home?
Take a good long thoughtful look at yourself in a mirror.
I know, right. My husband is hot and so great in bed, how could I ever become frigid? On the contrary, I am always ready and longing for more!
Young man AND young women are abandoning the archaic idea that getting married and having a family is the only way to have a fulfilled, successful life. I feel like my contribution to society as an educated individual is more important than marriage/children. As a species, the only point of having children was to keep the species and later on, the tribe alive. Now, with 7 billion people on the Earth, we don’t need people cranking out babies left and right. If someone sees marriage and children as a “life goal” i feel deeply sorry for them! Also, #3 in… Read more »
Yes yours is a winner of a philosophy. While it is fine for you to chose the life you want to live, the desire to have children is a healthy one. In my old age my children will come visit me and I will not die alone. Moreover, my dna will live on. I have traced my family back a couple of hundred years and I see some of myself in my great grandfather, and so it shall be with my great grandchildren. In the great continuum of time our lives are but a blip, a millisecond. My life is… Read more »
Having children to ensure that one doesn’t “die alone” seems pretty selfish to me. I never said it was wrong to desire a family but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not having that desire either. Sometimes you have to think about the greater good before you think about yourself, which is something that most people are too selfish and egotistical to do.
Too bad the ideal family can’t be someone married to another of the same gender!
The glue that held marriage together was…wait for it…the PATRIARCHY! And then, women discovered the truth articulated so well and so widely by Gloria Steinem: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”. After 50 years of that message, men have picked up on it too. So today, we see the emerging sociological phenomenon described in Dr Helen Smith’s book MEN ON STRIKE. Young men are abandoning marriage (and children) as a life goal in massive numbers. And among those already married, with children (or not)? Per the very same Dr John Gottman cited above the cumulative… Read more »
Bitter much?
Bitter maybe, but Oh so right!
Umm.. I’m sorry but “patriachy” is not dead at all. It’s still alive and kicking.
There certainly has been some amount of equalling out but the world still rules in favor of “patriachy”.
In some countries and cultures that may be true, but not in the United States or other Western Cultures.
This is an intelligent and well-informed comment. The article is not bad either. I’ll expand on both by saying two things: 1) Men are far better at commitment than women and, 2) Part of the reason divorce is so common today is that we have stopped regarding marriage as a commitment and increasingly regard it as primarily a means of improving our personal satisfaction. On 1), consider that whether we are talking about divorce, separation or other kind of split, women are at least twice as likely to break a commitment, whether it’s of the casual variety or the kind… Read more »