According to Psychology Today, University of California researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky states: “40 percent of our of our capacity for happiness is within our power to change.”
If this is true and it is, there’s hope for us all. There are billions of people on our planet and clearly some are truly happy. The rest of us bounce back and forth between happiness and unhappiness depending on the day.
Throughout the years, I’ve learned there are certain traits and habits chronically unhappy people seem to have mastered. But before diving in with you, let me preface this and say: we all have bad days, even weeks when we fall down in all seven areas.
The difference between a happy and unhappy life is how often and how long we stay there.
Here are the 7 qualities of chronically unhappy people.
♦◊♦
1. Your default belief is that life is hard.
Happy people know life can be hard and tend to bounce through hard times with an attitude of curiosity versus victimhood. They take responsibility for how they got themselves into a mess, and focus on getting themselves out of it as soon as possible.
Perseverance towards problem versus complaining over circumstances is a symptom of a happy person. Unhappy people see themselves as victims of life and stay stuck in the “look what happened to me” attitude versus finding a way through and out the other side.
2. You believe most people can’t be trusted.
I won’t argue that healthy discernment is important, but most happy people are trusting of their fellow man. They believe in the good in people, versus assuming everyone is out to get them. Generally open and friendly towards people they meet, happy people foster a sense of community around themselves and meet new people with an open heart.
Unhappy people are distrustful of most people they meet and assume that strangers can’t be trusted. Unfortunately this behavior slowly starts to close the door on any connection outside of an inner-circle and thwarts all chances of meeting new friends.
3. You concentrate on what’s wrong in this world versus what’s right.
There’s plenty wrong with this world, no arguments here, yet unhappy people turn a blind eye to what’s actually right in this world and instead focus on what’s wrong. You can spot them a mile away, they’ll be the ones complaining and responding to any positive attributes of our world with “yeah but”.
Happy people are aware of global issues, but balance their concern with also seeing what’s right. I like to call this keeping both eyes open. Unhappy people tend to close one eye towards anything good in this world in fear they might be distracted from what’s wrong. Happy people keep it in perspective. They know our world has problems and they also keep an eye on what’s right.
4. You compare yourself to others and harbor jealousy.
Unhappy people believe someone else’s good fortune steals from their own. They believe there’s not enough goodness to go around and constantly compare yours against theirs. This leads to jealousy and resentment.
Happy people know that your good luck and circumstance are merely signs of what they too can aspire to achieve. Happy people believe they carry a unique blueprint that can’t be duplicated or stolen from — by anyone on the planet. They believe in unlimited possibilities and don’t get bogged down by thinking one person’s good fortune limits their possible outcome in life.
5. You strive to control your life.
There’s a difference between control and striving to achieve our goals. Happy people take steps daily to achieve their goals, but realize in the end, there’s very little control over what life throws their way.
Unhappy people tend to micromanage in effort to control all outcomes and fall apart in dramatic display when life throws a wrench in their plan. Happy people can be just as focused, yet still have the ability to go with the flow and not melt down when life delivers a curve-ball.
The key here is to be goal-oriented and focused, but allow room for letting sh*t happen without falling apart when the best laid plans go awry- because they will. Going with the flow is what happy people have as plan B.
6. You consider your future with worry and fear.
There’s only so much rent space between your ears. Unhappy people fill their thoughts with what could go wrong versus what might go right.
Happy people take on a healthy dose of delusion and allow themselves to daydream about what they’d like to have life unfold for them. Unhappy people fill that head space with constant worry and fear.
Happy people experience fear and worry, but make an important distinction between feeling it and living it. When fear or worry crosses a happy person’s mind, they’ll ask themselves if there’s an action they can be taken to prevent their fear or worry from happening (there’s responsibility again) and they take it. If not, they realize they’re spinning in fear and they lay it down.
7. You fill your conversations with gossip and complaints.
Unhappy people like to live in the past. What’s happened to them and life’s hardships are their conversation of choice. When they run out of things to say, they’ll turn to other people’s lives and gossip.
Happy people live in the now and dream about the future. You can feel their positive vibe from across the room. They’re excited about something they’re working on, grateful for what they have and dreaming about the possibilities of life.
Obviously none of us are perfect. We’re all going to swim in negative waters once in a while, but what matters is how long we stay there and how quickly we work to get ourselves out. Practicing positive habits daily is what sets happy people apart from unhappy people, not doing everything perfectly.
Walk, fall down, get back up again, repeat. It’s in the getting back up again where all the difference resides.
—
What Now? Participate. Take Action. Join The Good Men Project Community.
The $50 Platinum Level is an ALL-ACCESS PASS—join as many groups and classes as you want for the entire year. The $25 Gold Level gives you access to any ONE Social Interest Group and ONE Class–and other benefits listed below the form. Or…for $12, join as a Bronze Member and support our mission. All members see the site AD-FREE!
Register New Account
◊♦◊
Your ANNUAL PLATINUM membership includes:
1. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to participate in ANY of our new Social Interest Groups. We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time. We now offer 500 calls a year!
2. Free and UNLIMITED ACCESS to ALL LIVE CLASSES. Learn how to build your own platform, be a better writer, become an editor, or create social change. Check out our training sessions. As a Platinum member, you can take them all.
3. Invitation to the MEMBERS ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
4. Access to our PREMIUM MEMBER LIBRARY with our recorded ConvoCasts and classes. ConvoCasts are a new form of media—and you are in them! Only Platinum Members get access to our recordings. And recordings of our classes are really valuable for those who do not have time to take the live classes or just want to review.
5. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you log in.
6. Weekly conference calls with the publisher and other community members. Our weekly calls discuss the issues we see happening in the world of men in a friendly group setting.
7. PLATINUM member commenting badge. Only members can comment!
Price for ANNUAL PLATINUM membership is $50/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL GOLD membership will include:
1. Free access to any ONE Social Interest Groups.Try them out! We have active communities of like-minded individuals working to change the world on important issues. Weekly facilitated calls that lead to the execution of real-world strategies for change. Complete schedule here, with new ones starting all the time.
2. Free access to any ONE of our live classes. Each month, we have the following: Learn how to be a Rising Star in media, build your own platform, become an advanced writer, become an editor or create social change. Check out our classes here. RSVP for any one class—if you want to take more, just upgrade to an Annual Platinum Membership.
3. Invitation to the MEMBER-ONLY Good Men Project Community on Facebook and all Weekly Friday Conference calls with the Publisher and community. Connect with other members online and by phone!
4. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
5. GOLD commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL GOLD membership is $25/year.
♦◊♦
Your ANNUAL BRONZE membership will include:
1. Invitation to weekly conference calls with the publisher and community. Connect with other members, network and help us lead this conversation.
2. An ad-free experience. No banner, pop-up, or video ads when you are logged in.
3. BRONZE member commenting badge. Only members can comment on the website!
Price for ANNUAL BRONZE membership is $12/year.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century. Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
◊♦◊
“Here’s the thing about The Good Men Project. We are trying to create big, sweeping, societal changes—–overturn stereotypes, eliminate racism, sexism, homophobia, be a positive force for good for things like education reform and the environment. And we’re also giving individuals the tools they need to make individual change—-with their own relationships, with the way they parent, with their ability to be more conscious, more mindful, and more insightful. For some people, that could get overwhelming. But for those of us here at The Good Men Project, it is not overwhelming. It is simply something we do—–every day. We do it with teamwork, with compassion, with an understanding of systems and how they work, and with shared insights from a diversity of viewpoints.” —– Lisa Hickey, Publisher of The Good Men Project and CEO of Good Men Media Inc.
—
Originally appeared at DailyTransformations.com
Photo by Ihor Malytskyi on Unsplash
This article is oversimplified, it’s SO much more nuanced. I also think the use of the word “unhappy“ is wildly reductive. 1. Your default belief is that life is hard. – This often stems from a formative experience which validates and literally creates this belief. Such as neglectful or abusive childhood. Abusive/adverse and unsafe childhood experiences (aka ACE’s) often contribute to an increase in instances of ADHD diagnosis, bipolar diagnosis, depression, and chronic health issues. These diagnosis massively impact every aspect of life. The reality is that, for example, an ADHD diagnosis really does make life harder and it’s not… Read more »
I beleive every thing she said it is true I am a chronically ill person the only thing i didn’t agree with was the jealously part.
Seriously, excepting the last “habit,” if you take the opposite of each of these, you end up with a brainwashed fundamentalist. Temper your cynicism, yes, but don’t fucking lose it. It’s that cynicism that can spur curiosity, and that curiosity that can spur empathy and compassion.
I m also a chronically unhappy
Please give me your advice
Also not able to maintain spoke straight
Only suckers fall for gimmicks like these. Many of these masters of life have come and gone and people never fail to fall for someone’s take on life, why can’t we listen to our common sense? The bitch is trying to sell you fools a frame of mind an attitude, how do you know what she’s barking on about isn’t just structured idealism? Selling her attitude to gullible fools only fortifies her happy person delusions. Goodluck.
It’s not just a matter of thought. Trauma, when severe enough (and that varies with the individual), changes brain structure and chemistry. With the study of epigenetics, the effects of trauma are passed on.
I don’t agree with most of this since it’s not true for many people. There is a genetic component to this too. Inability to achieve a goal or become what you dreamed of becoming, spending your entire life trying, can easily be the source of your unhappiness without any of the seven things listed here. You could have been unhappy since childhood due to bad parenting and as a result remain unhappy. This article is superficial and obvious, doesn’t really dig down and is, actually, amateurish.
This article is total bullshit and completely wrong It doesn’t even begin to address the full spectrum of humanity and how it reacts or behaves. The author is stupid if she really believes this crap. It doesn’t come even close to my experience.
I am SO guilty of every one of these, except the last one. I’ve never been a gossiper, luckily.
i could not agree with you more. Awesome article.
Sounds like most Republicans I know.
Wow…I was thinking the author was a spoiled, naive, unintelligent twit; until I read your reply.
Replied to like a true narrow minded Democrat that has to bring politics into everything. Liberals truly live “the glass is half empty” idealology.
Chronic gossip is the surest sign I know of impossible human misery.
I fit this profile. is there any program for men?
Brilliant! And I agree with you. To be happy or how to feel unhappy is just only a matter of choice. Yep, sometimes we forget how to laugh and at least smile maybe because of some inevitable issues that happened into our lives. But still, it’s only us, only ourselves will take any control between right and just for us and what we gotta choose to feel about. I extremely believe for this that true happines starts from within ourselves nothing more nothing less. Automatically, If we find calmness and peace even bad happenings ruin our days..I can simply called… Read more »
There’s another very large factor: genetic. I have never been a happy person. I may gain all my dreams and still not be. Of course, I have nothing close to that. Unhappy people do remain stuck. Often they simply don’t know how to get out of it, how to change their lives. Many can’t simply decide to be happy. Unhappiness that is chronic is called depression and it’s symptomology makes for a steady-state low mood. That’s why we have therapists and antidepressant drugs. Chemicals do become imbalanced in the brain, making unhappiness biological. I don’t worry, I’m not fearful, I… Read more »