Yes, you should to look at who you attract, but more so which behaviors you are attracted to and why.
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Are You Dating a Narcissist?!?!
Does Your Ex Have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)?!?!
Everyone Thinks Their Ex is a Sociopath — How Can You Be Sure?!?!
Any of these screaming headlines sound familiar?
The popularity of these buzz-words has been climbing steadily for a good while now, and not without reason. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality Disorder are truly harrowing mental health conditions. That is exactly the problem though. These labels are the names of serious diagnoses of mental illness and should not be assigned liberally and without merit by anyone who is not trained, skilled and licensed to do so.
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Contrary to the myths developing in relationship advice columns, people with personality disorders are not evil. They have a mental illness. They are not willfully behaving badly. They are behaving the way their brain tells them to.
According to the DSM-V, “Personality disorders are a class of mental disorders characterized by enduring maladaptive patterns of behavior, cognition, and inner experience, exhibited across many contexts and deviating markedly from those accepted by the individual’s culture. These patterns develop early, are inflexible, and are associated with significant distress or disability.”
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These disorders are so difficult to define, describe and properly identify that a search for them on the website for the National Institute of Mental Health (NIHM) only says “Will add description later.”
So how can you know if the person you are dating or divorcing has a personality disorder or if they are just a real jerk?
People can be dangerous even if they are not “evil.” No matter how much empathy you feel for their own struggles, you do not deserve to be mistreated or abused.
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The answer is…..
It doesn’t matter.
If someone is hurting you physically or manipulating you emotionally, you must stop allowing them to do so. It doesn’t matter if the reason for their behavior is that they have a personality disorder, their mom was mean to them, or you look like the kid who bullied them in middle school.
People can be dangerous even if they are not “evil.” No matter how much empathy you feel for their own struggles, you do not deserve to be mistreated or abused.
Once you have been through a relationship with an emotional manipulator, if you do the admittedly hard work of reflecting back on the behaviors they displayed at the beginning that were indicators of the need for an end, you will see a few or many of the following flags were present.
- An intense, sometimes urgent, courting period.
- Pressure to commit to an exclusive relationship before you knew each other well or felt totally comfortable doing so.
- Tendencies toward jealousy, explained away with overflowing compliments about how desirable you are, or statements about how “you just don’t get how guys/girls really are.”
- Subtle put-downs, often disguised as friendly advice or constructive criticism.
- Dismissive responses to your feelings and your accomplishments.
- Qualified apologies for bad behavior.
- Your gut tells you that something is off.
Remember that just because you thought you liked someone, accepted a date with them, paid for a few of their meals, had sex with them, told them you love them or anything else, you are never under any obligation to continue to see someone who makes you feel bad or uncomfortable in any way. No one knows better for you than yourself, and if someone is trying to tell you that you are wrong about how you think you feel run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit.
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Already been through a relationship with an emotional manipulator and wondering how you will ever trust yourself again? Click here to find out how you can: How to Rebuild Self-Esteem After Divorcing a Manipulator.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Arianna, I’m the manipulator based on what I’m reading. What do I do? Can I be fixed? I’m pretty sure I have my analyst fooled too. How do I change that? I’m spooked.
Can’t this apply to females as well? Why is it always the guy who is the scumbag?
Greg, I am confused. I purposefully made sure to keep this piece gender-neutral, as you are correct that this can and does apply to males and females alike. What leads you to believe the article says otherwise?
Arianna, A very nice (and wise) piece. I enjoyed it. I want so badly to send this to a dear friend, I will call her Rose. Last fall she started dating a guy that exhibits six of the seven traits you mentioned. But, she is all in love with him. She goes through a monthly episode with him that is emotionally hurtful to her. On Sunday she called me crying and sobbing after another fight with him. I simply told her point blank what I thought of the guy. I think this guy is bad news. There are red flags… Read more »
Hi Jules Here is one idea: If you do not choose to stay out of it,then maybe you can mention what will happen if this man will be the father of her children. Is this what she wants for her child? He is NOT father material ,and to have children with this man will harm the child. If she loves her future children,then she should get out. But I guess she is strongly sexually attracted or she has serious issues herself that makes her idealize him,and then it is impossible for her to see him as he really is. Good… Read more »
Hi Jules, You are in a tough spot there. I don’t know that there is any “correct” answer I can give you. I am assuming that the reason you know all of these facts about the guy in question is that Rose has shared the information with you. Which means she knows exactly who he is and what he is capable of. The problem with all of these types of articles is that the reader has to be in a place of willingness to hear and learn in order to do so. For Rose to “get it,” she would have… Read more »
Thanks Arianna.
I have decided to stay out of it…Just lend an ear with no advice.
I would ask her about the coaching but I pretty much know her answer.
Wise choice. I know it’s tough.