Eric Shapiro on how to tell if a guy friend is legit: he grows with you, he gets along with the people you care about, and keeps the drama to a minimum.
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The word “bro” gets slung with increasing frequency nowadays. Used to be, you had to be really tight with a guy to actually go ahead and unpack the b-word. Lately, though, I find myself getting called bro left and right. I could be mere minutes into my initial conversation with a fellow male, and all of a sudden I’ll be his bro. In addition, when clients want something extra, I might suddenly turn into a bro. Sometimes when they want nothing at all, I’m a bro, too — which is nice. My bro relationships cross all kinds of racial, ethnic, religious, and age boundaries. I even have spiritual sisters whom I’ll call bro, just to underscore my affection (though I’d admittedly pause for a moment if they called me sis).
I welcome this cultural onslaught of comradery. I mean, why not? Beats being enemies. Just the same, though…
It pays to be mindful of the difference between a casual bro and a bona fide bro. Let’s not allow the word to hypnotize us, lest we eventually find ourselves doing favors for bros whom we secretly can’t stand. Instead, let’s go after a major level of bro authenticity. Let’s examine how best to determine if we have in fact discovered our bro-mate…
Mind you, you needn’t only have one bro-mate. I’ve had a number throughout my lifetime. Some have come and gone, proving essential for a particular passage of time, and then departing — or being let go — once one or both of us underwent key changes. Others have been there forever. Some drift in and out; a couple years will elapse without their presence, but 10 seconds on the phone and we’re both back in gear. Whoever they are and however many you have, I hereby present 7 Signs You’ve Discovered Your Bro-Mate…
1) Your Bro’s Wins Are Your Wins
In other words, there’s no competition or (worse) envy. I’m not talking about friendly competitions, where you laugh your asses off on the bike trail. I’m talking about ongoing, sincere efforts to bring you down or keep you behind. Your bro-mate doesn’t have time for that shit. Pettiness is the last thing on your bro-mate’s mind. Instead, when you win the raffle at work, he gets an actual jolt of serotonin in his brain. When you fall in love, he starts sleeping better at night. He’s on your side, in your corner, and — in rare cases — even ready to kill and/or die for you. But for God’s sake, don’t put too much pressure on the guy. He’s your bro!
2) You Flow With Your Bro, Yo
This one’s absolutely critical. When you’re with your bro-mate, time dives into warp speed. You check the clock not to see how long ’til you can get the fuck out of there, but how much time you’ve got left to enjoy. If you’re in the presence of a conversational bro-mate, this means the talk keeps on blossoming like a psychedelic flower. If quietness and grunting are more your style, then these things take on an effortless momentum when your bro-mate is near.
3) You Save The Drama For Your Mama
Meaning: Even if and when you and your bro-mate fight (and believe me, the friendship might be so chill that fights are rare to nonexistent), you’re not out to win; you’re out for peace. You’re out to resume or improve upon the status quo of your relationship, which is so critical to your existence that the loss thereof would make for quite a dark day.
4) You Allow Your Bro To Grow
Inevitably, as time goes by, homeboy’s bound to undergo some major life changes. As are you, of course. In some cases, as mentioned above, those changes will mark the friendship’s end. Maybe your bro-mate’s sudden affection for rare stamps will spur you to bid him a tearful farewell at the bus station. Or maybe he’s just not comfortable with your decision to constantly wear lavender. However, in the case of a true, eternal, unassailable bro-mate, those changes will be wholly accepted. In addition, they’ll likely be well-received. Maybe your changes will inspire his own, and vice versa. And maybe — if you’re really lucky — your bro will have seen it coming all along. “Ah, dude! You finally switched from Elvis to The Beatles! I knew this was gonna happen, like, 10 years ago!”
5) You Check In On Your Bro
I’m not just talking about making sure he got home safe. Nor I am just referring to shooting him a text from time to time, just to make sure the wheels are still attached to the bro-wagon. No, as critical as those two things are, I’m more talking about checking in on him in the existential sense. As in, “So — how are you?” “How are things lately now that XYZ is going on?” You do this not as a basic courtesy, but because you really want to know. Reason being, you and your bro are on the same life ride. If your bro gets a promotion, or attends a sex party with his spouse, or sets the world record for salad dressing consumption in a 24-hour period, you don’t run from the topic and pretend homes hasn’t just been through something major. You stay on the ride and get all the tones, textures, and details — especially if he attended that orgy…
6) You’ve Seen Your Bro At His Lowest
This is what separates the men from the boys — and The Good Men Project from The Good Boys Project. Whereas a regular, run-of-the-mill bro might jet just before your puke hits the toilet, your bro-mate will be there coaching you through it while running a greatest hits compilation of all your favorite stupid jokes. Your bro-mate knows the sight and sound of you crying. This bro knows the parameters of your temper. Your bro-mate’s been there for the break-ups and the fuck-ups and the deep, dark secrets, and he not only still loves you, but he loves you more for ’em. ‘Cause he’s your bro and he likes to keep it real.
7) Your Bro & Your Partner? They’re Like A Pair of Crossed Fingers
I know — this one’s controversial. Many a bromance exists wherein the bro just doesn’t gel with the wife, spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, or what-have-you. Oftentimes, this ends the friendship. Other times, the bro rides it out and gets proven right in the end, when, for example, homegirl’s caught in bed with the ice cream man eight years later. Ideally, however, in the case of a true-to-form, never-a-doubt, through-thick-and-thin, ’til-death-do-us-part bro-mate, your romantic partner is a welcome extension of the friendship. Sometimes, your bro and your partner actually bond. No matter what, though, if he’s your bro-mate, he’s at peace with the person with whom you share your life.
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If you’re lucky enough to walk this Earth with a bro-mate, take a moment today to express your gratitude to him. If, on the other hand, you’re tied up with one or more deficient bros, then it’s time to reevaluate and pave the path to a brighter bro destiny. Your bro-mate is out there, no question about it. You just have to set the bar high enough to welcome him.
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