An ex-girlfriend’s thoughts on being friends and roommates after a failed relationship.
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Six years ago I met a man with whom I would fall deeply in love. We were both at a bar, both drinking, both there alone. He asked me about a band playing down the street but I hadn’t heard of them. After the ensuing 45 minutes of sitting in silence a bar stool apart we started talking again, but this time about Hemingway and Faulkner.
It was heartbreaking. And pathetic. I still feel some shame when I think about how long I held onto such a skewed relationship.
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I went home with him that night and nearly every night for the next two years. There were problems. A lot of problems. It was casual. Then it wasn’t (mostly on my end.) Ultimately, I fell in love with a man who never fell in love with me.
It was heartbreaking. And pathetic. I still feel some shame when I think about how long I held onto such a skewed relationship.
During one of our attempted break ups *Ben and I had discussed whether we would take the erasure in an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind scenario. He gave the healthy answer; who he is now is a culmination of his experiences. I couldn’t think of anything I would wipe, aside from the memory of him.
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Four years after the break up my feelings are far less dramatic. Here are a few things I learned. Maybe it will save you the same hard lessons.
Believe your partner when he tells you that he doesn’t want to be with you.
I thought I wanted to date casually. For the first six months I didn’t even consider commitment. Conventional relationships are outdated. I thought labels, future planning, monogamy – that was for less progressive, more traditional women. I believed the Frida Kahlo sentiment that fidelity doesn’t matter; loyalty is what’s really important. (Luckily I don’t have a sister.) In reality, Ben drank a lot and was emotionally unavailable. But after six months, I wanted him. I still thought sexual commitment was superfluous, but I wanted my unconventional with him. He didn’t want any type of relationship with me and had said as much.
If your partner makes you feel less than, leave.
I’m generally confident. I never feel men are “too good” for me or “out of my league.” I have value and bring value into my relationships. But after time with Ben, I stopped feeling that way. Ben never criticized my appearance or my choices. He was overall very supportive of me as a person. That did not, however, mean that he was supportive of me as a girlfriend. Even after we eventually decided to commit non-monogamously, (then monogamously) he treated my loving overtures with distain. He gaslighted me into thinking that my kind notes or thoughtful gifts were inappropriate, annoying. They were all of those things, none of which he wanted. And I should have listened.
The amount of love you feel for someone has no effect on the love they feel for you.
Even though Ben and I tried several different types of relationships, ultimately, the power dynamic was nowhere near balanced after the initial honeymoon. We’d fight because I wanted to get “girlfriend” things and he wanted to give “good friend” things.
Intimacy and sexual compatibility are not enough for a healthy partnership.
I used the loss to motivate myself into self-improvement. I started exercising regularly and lost 30 pounds. I quit smoking. I drank less.
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Realistically, I knew my emotional needs weren’t being met, but in practice, I loved this person because he knew my secrets and showed support instead of disgust. He accepted my sexual experience. Showed empathy for my history of unreliable emotional health. He welcomed the things about me in which I felt most insecure. The attributes I found embarrassing. And worst, possibly made me unlovable. But support and chemistry alone aren’t good reasons to stay with someone.
Don’t talk to your ex. At least for a while.
When we finally broke up, Ben and I didn’t speak for two years. It felt weird at first. I felt lonely. Rejected. Lost. Crushed. But eventually, I got it together. I used the loss to motivate myself into self-improvement. I started exercising regularly and lost 30 pounds. I quit smoking. I drank less. For a long time the separation was hard. It was REALLY hard, but if we’d persisted in our volatile relationship my self-esteem would have continued to drop and I may have never focused that energy inward.
You can be friends with an ex.
We needed two years off to re-set. Before the break, we couldn’t be friends without having sex. We’d get jealous. We were both unhappy and fought. A lot. When we re-connected, we were slow and conscious. We didn’t talk about “us”. He barely mentioned the woman he had dated in the intervening two years. I’ve never told him that I still thought about sleeping with him.
Don’t compare yourself to the people your ex dates after you.
The best thing you have going for you is that you’re an original; there is no one else like you. That’s true whether or not the person you love loves you back. Everyone has faults and the more you get to know them, or about them, the more their fault cracks widen. This woman who I had spent so much wasted energy feeling jealous of because she was skinnier than me, appeared more worldly, made more money, turned out not to be as exceptional as I’d assumed. Ultimately, I was jealous that she had Ben’s attention and I did not. And although she is assumedly a lovely person, his attention is the only thing she had over me.
There’re good reasons your ex is your ex, but also good reasons you once dated him.
Ben and I ended up living together as friends for almost two years. One of the “proofs” of commitment and devotion that I had wanted most at the end of our relationship, I ended up experiencing as his friend. And it worked in a way that never would have worked when we were a couple. The un-met expectations that were causing our fights in a relationship had melted away with our friendship. But our shared history, humor and compatibility as human beings made for excellent roommates.
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Ben just took a job in another city, but I’m still living in his house. In the three years that we’ve been just friends we’ve only been in one or two fights, but they were arguments that occur when two people share a living space, not the type of heart wrenching fights that occur between lovers.
Now, it’s been nearly five years and we’ve never had sex. We’ve never even came close.
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Each time we’d tried to break up and become friends in the past we’d sleep together, making platonic friendship impossible. Now, it’s been nearly five years and we’ve never had sex. We’ve never even came close. Occasionally I’ve felt a spark of sexual tension, mostly it was when we first re-connected. I still find him attractive. I consider Ben a sexy man and at times wonder what it would be like if we had sex now. But more in the way I’m curious what sex would be like with a co-worker, or someone I just met at a party – not in a way I plan to follow through. I don’t need to find out if we could have the sex we had then with the friendship we have now.
Ben’s become one of my closest friends. Still, I hope he never reads this because I still feel embarrassment when I think about how I acted. How long we stretched out our toxic relationship. He doesn’t need to know that I’ve ever even mildly considered sex during our friendship.
But if you do, Ben, I think you’re pretty great. You’re still one of my favorite people and I’m immensely thankful for your friendship.
*Of course, Ben is not his real name.
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Photo: Getty Images
it might take long to be in a broken relationship but it’s never going to to be forever.i have been living with heartbreak for couple of years now, which wasn’t funny.it caused a lot of loss to me and my mind not been settled. i and my husband got into argument and we had a fight, he was cheating i tried to stop him but all to no avail. after a while, we had to go our different ways but i was hurt because i love him with all my heart and i can’t afford to loose to another lady,… Read more »
Great post Lola! Such great advice for those of us who value the place special people hold in our lives even after the romantic phase ends. Thank you for sharing your feelings about your relationship. xo