Arianna Jeret & Lorrae Bradbury discuss consent, shame and more on The Greater Dater.
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In one of my many others lives I am the co-host of podcast/YouTube series The Greater Dater. This week we were lucky enough to have brilliant Twitter dynamo Lorrae Bradbury of Slutty Girl Problems, who was in town for Slut Walk LA, into the studio as our inaugural guest.
Among the many topics covered in our 45 minutes chat, we shared thoughts and experiences and information related to consent, shame, labels, sex ed, communication about sex within the context of dating, relationships and marriage, and much more.
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Here are my top 8 take-away quotes to get you thinking and re-thinking amongst yourselves.
1. On consent:
“The only consent is an enthusiastic yes. Even if we were flirting with you, you bought us a drink, we were making out – until there’s an enthusiastic yes there is no consent.”
2. On being called a slut:
“Maybe you weren’t even having sex. Maybe you had sex once, but now you have this tarnished reputation and you can’t go back from it. Not having sex isn’t going to bring your non-slut label back… So it becomes this self-perpetuating cycle. You can’t get out of it and feel you might as well live it and have fun. That’s unfortunate. It’s a coping mechanism we use. We think, hey, if you’re going call me that I might as well embrace it and enjoy it.”
3. On shame-based sex education:
“I think we can reverse the process from such a young point just by having more comprehensive sex education and including pleasure and consent and not just having it be about STDs and abstinence and be afraid.”
4. On balancing out the dynamics between boys and girls:
“Guys are really just starting to think about that and starting to think about how to be ‘cool’ when you hit around your early teens, but the girls have already been told ‘Stop.’ So now you have these girls who were being told ‘Don’t do that,’ and then the boys are coming up to them saying ‘Hey, let’s do that!’ And the girls are like, ‘I don’t know what to do.’ And that’s where the disconnect is already starting, because they’re not being taught it actually is fun. Sex really is fun, it’s just not for now.”
5. On starting the conversation early:
“In order to expect your kid as a teenager or a 20-something to have conversations with you about that, you have to have started the conversations earlier. They don’t just suddenly one day want to talk to you when you have never been willing to talk to them about something… When you grow up thinking that way, I think it becomes really hard to talk to your partner about it, because it feels like, oh this is something we’re not supposed to talk about.”
6. On the importance of non-judgmental communication within relationships:
“It’s so important for adults to understand that there’s such a huge range of sexuality and to talk about that with their partner and to really be on the same page before you get married because sex is a huge part of our lives and if we’re not having good sex our whole lives that’s a really, really sad thing to go without… It can actually open so many more doors, because if you’re on the same page about that, then how many other same pages are you going to be on!”
7. On the break-down of sexual dynamics within marriage and long-term relationships:
“It’s typically one-sided at first, and it’s not necessarily the woman who’s turning it down. That’s a big misperception…And that causes big problems [for both genders]. For a woman it’s embarrassing to say ‘My husband doesn’t want to have sex with me,’ and for a man, to say ‘I’m having issues with not wanting to have sex with my wife,’ doesn’t feel like the right thing for a man to be admitting.”
8. On men’s concerns about women’s sexual history:
“You’re in a relationship with somebody, right, and she had all these experiences before you, and you have to understand that. It is what it is. Right here, right now she’s with you… That kind of confusion of ‘You must be a slut. You’re overly sexual. All that’s got to just disappear.”
OK, discuss.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
When the Slutty girl problems use the word slut, they are trying to reclaim the word- to make it into something they can be proud of. I can’t be sure, but I remember reading that the word “queer” was similarly reclaimed from an insult. I’m sure there are more such examples -Satanists(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LaVeyan_Satanism) being another instance. For someone whose entire life has been controlled by the expectations of other people, these slurs being thrown at them when they won’t – or can’t – comply with said expectations, embracing the negative labels often gives them a sense of control over their own… Read more »
“If a woman doesn’t want to date a man of a certain height, that’s her choice and her right. She does not have the right to date him anyway and them tell him repeatedly that he is a jerk because of a “Napolean complex.” I think part of the issue and maybe some of the confusion is that sometimes a person’s sexual history isn’t known until after you started dating them. I think we could extend it to say that you don’t need to continue dating someone if their sexual history is problematic for you, but if you choose to… Read more »
Excellent points, John. Thank you for adding that to the dialogue.
Thanks for watching! We got into this issue around 35 minutes in or so, but no need to belabor the point.
Yes, such is life. Agreeing to disagree is always an option in my book. I very much appreciate and admire your willingness to have the conversation respectfully.
Arianna
I did go back and watch the podcast in its entirety.
Also, I watch maybe 10-15 mins of the one dealing with Direct vs Indirect…I just could not take listening to that voice of the guy Jon. He is annoying as hell and talks way too much. Sorry.
Jules,
Thank you for watching! I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy Jon, but I do appreciate the effort! 🙂
A
Ah. I understand.
That quote was actually from Jeff, one of my co-hosts. I think some of the deeper meanings get lost in translation when out of the context of the full podcast (which you can watch above – hint hint). I believe Jeff and Lorrae would both agree with the calrification, so we’re all on the same page.
Arianna,
I did watch the podcast. It is about 45 mins long. I watched around 25 mins or so. I even visited her website AND read a few pieces.
She, and perhaps you too, is a very sexual woman. She is proud of that it seems. It’s her business. She has one view. I happen to not share it. I have another. We disagree. Such is life..
“I am suggesting that you can make whatever judgments you want in your own mind, but if you have a problem with a woman or man’s sexual history you should politely decline a relationship with that person instead of calling them a derogatory name, insulting them or using it against them in an argument.”
Thanks for the clarification. We can agree.
It just seemed as if Lorrae Bradbury was implying or saying one did not have the right to decline…or one should not decline……”it is what it is”
Hi Arianna
How about inventing a new and better word for a adult woman’s normal healthy sexuality?
Why use the slut word?
I am not English speaking but to me it sounds like it means celebrating to be a whore…
Obviously I do not grasp the deeper meaning of the word,other than it is negative.So why use it?
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2011/may/08/slutwalk-not-sexual-liberation
Hi Silke, Overall I do agree with you. Towards the end of the podcast I brought up the new label that Millennial men who play the field have been given by women of their generation — “f**k boys” — and the fact that I don’t like the either that word or the word slut. To me, “slut” implies someone who is indiscriminate. I wish we could do away with the slut label, not just come up with a label for “slutty” men. So while I personally don’t like the word slut and I don’t and won’t use it to describe… Read more »
Agree 🙂
Sex education is a good thing if it is high quality. And everybody seems to disagree about how to do it .
I do not understand why it is so difficult but I do understand that societies has rules and regulations about activities that is so serious as sex = it creates new human beings and they needs to be taken care for the next 18-20 years ….
“F**k boy” is a prison slang term for someone that gets passed around and raped repeatedly.
To use it cavalierly is to make a rape joke.
Wow! I had no idea 8ball. See, this is exactly why it is so important for men and women to be openly engaged in dialogue instead of continuing to label and shame.
Thanl you for explaining this. I will pass it on to Lorrae as well.
Arianna,
“to be openly engagef in dialogue instead of continuing to label and shame.”
So, is it your position that we should never draw any kind of inference or judgement about a person’s sexual habits and/or past?
We judge people everyday. Women reject men as not good enough if they are a certain height. Men reject women if they are a certain weight or if they are not “hot” enough. These are all subjective tastes and preferences unique to each person..
Are you suggesting that when it comes to sex, we should have no such judgement?
I am suggesting that you can make whatever judgments you want in your own mind, but if you have a problem with a woman or man’s sexual history you should politely decline a relationship with that person instead of calling them a derogatory name, insulting them or using it against them in an argument. If a woman doesn’t want to date a man of a certain height, that’s her choice and her right. She does not have the right to date him anyway and them tell him repeatedly that he is a jerk because of a “Napolean complex.” If a… Read more »
@ Silke,
“I am not English speaking but to me it sounds like it means celebrating to be a whore….”
This is the challenge: just what exactly is a whore? I know in my mind what a whore is…But, I don’t think there is any universally accepted definition.
What does Silke think?
Hi Jules I agree ,I do not think there is any universal definition of the word whore. (In Norwegian it is hore.) Norwegian journalists often use the word whore when they write about prostitutes. I disagree with that use. A prostitute is a word that tells us something about a relationship between two persons (or more), and it tells us it is a buyer and a seller.We know there is a power imbalance and they are often trafficking victims . Whore is a word that describes only one person . I am sure the word whore means something different in… Read more »
@ Silke, Thanks for your insightful reply.. “I don’t think we shall call anyone a whore, and I do not think we need the word. There are many sexual activities I do not understand that anyone want to take part in ,like swinging or going to sex clubs. But I do not think of them as whores.” Yes, you are right. We should avoid name calling period. Calling a woman a whore, slag, slut,…..are all unacceptable. If you do not approve of her sexual behavior, then avoid her. The hypocrisy with men is that they are quick to call some… Read more »
Typo,
“It is transnational.”
Meant to say transactional.
I have a new laptop with a touchscreen keyboard. Getting use to it.
“You’re in a relationship with somebody, right, and she had all these experiences before you, and you have to understand that. It is what it is. Right here, right now she’s with you… ”
You know I just don’t get this way of thinking…..I don’t understand the “Why” it does not matter. Sure you can understand it. But must we always accept it?
It is as if to suggest “all these experiences” have impact on the current.
Anyhow, I don’t agree. Nor do I get this mode of thought.
Jules I think you have a typo.
Did you forget the NO
….have no impact
Or was this an Freudian slip 🙂
No I do understand what you mean.
@ Silke,
Yes you would be right!
Thanks
Correction: Thanks Silke!
“It is as if to suggest “all these experiences” have impact on the current.”
Should read,
“It is as if to suggest “all these experiences” have no impact on the current.”