Is everything we do in life really driven by the need to receive the approval of others? One Super Smart Guy argues it is.
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What will other people think of me, maybe this thought has gone through your head on notable, or not so notable occasions?
Would it surprise you to learn this mentality holds a lot of people back?
What about if I said it doesn’t matter what others think?
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Since the era of socially organized Homo sapiens, our instincts have driven us to care about and wonder what others think of us. This might help to explain why we constantly seek approval. When we are children we long for the approval of our parents, siblings and other family members. Approval meant our family loved us. Approval meant we were good boys and girls. Approval was rewarding; disapproval, punishing.
Fast forward to adulthood. Now we seek approval from friends. And who doesn’t want to be popular? We want our friends to like us. Rejection from friends is harsh and unpleasant. We seek approval from our boss at work. Approval means we have a better shot at nailing that raise or promotion. Approval may help us get on that new project, or enable a move to the office or department with better opportunities to succeed and move up in the company. Approval from the opposite sex means better opportunities for dating and relationships.
It seems everything we do in life is driven by the approval of others. So it’s understandable that to some extent approval is useful. We ask our friends and family for their opinions all the time.
But there comes a point where seeking approval holds us back. If we try to attain approval at work with our boss, we can be perceived as a brown-noser. Seeking approval with a potential new date can make us appear weak, as if we are showing insecurity, definitely an unattractive quality. Approval seeking in life can prevent us from taking the next step toward success. It can make us nervous and cause anxiety, too
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Let’s reframe for a minute what we are actually doing when we seek approval. For one thing, we want to be reassured we’ve made the right decision. Approval from others functions like a compass. It reinforces a positive choice. Less approval seems to reflect that we made a bad decision.
What if we were to swap out “approval” for a more accurate description of what we are really trying to accomplish…getting feedback? We can get feedback from others regarding the decisions we make, and use that feedback to help guide us into making the best decision given the circumstances.
Technically speaking, we are embarking on a feedback loop, a system where we make a decision, then get feedback from others. This feedback is evaluated by ourselves and we use it to make changes to our original idea. These changes then affect the original idea—we give the plan a tweak—then get more feedback. It’s like driving a car. We can look at the road, and decide to turn the wheel a bit to the left or right. We will repeat this process until we reach our destination.
We need to take the feedback of others with a grain of salt. Evaluate how much you respect the person expressing their opinion. I’m sure you would value more highly the opinion of a professional versus a random person, right? You will also value opinions of the people in your life who have your best interests in mind, just as you will assess the opinion of others who would love to see you fail, or who are indifferent to your plight.
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The other side of the coin to approval seeking is trying to win favor with someone. We want them to like us or endorse our choices. Be careful here because you can’t please all of the people all of the time. We need to break our addiction to feeling that others need to approve of our choices.
Take a look at these nine strategies for overcoming the desire to know what others think of you, a.k.a. stopping approval seeking, and also give my podcast a whirl for a deeper dive into this topic.
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Internal locus of control: We generate our opinions from within. Simply disregard everything coming from outside your own opinion. The following strategies are used in conjunction with internal locus.
Dig for gold: You can listen to criticism then decide if it contains useful information or if it simply does not serve you. Sift good advice from the opinions. Keep the choice nuggets, toss out everything else. Constructive criticism is a good thing. The last thing you want is for everyone to be fake-nice to you.
Go Spock/Data: Remove all of the emotion from the interaction. If someone says your guitar playing sucks, receive this with curiosity as Data would. Ask, “How does it suck?” You may find that your guitar is out of tune or some other technical thing is at work and you will become better from applying the useful part of the feedback. Filter out unnecessary emotion and counterproductive input. Don’t take the feedback personally. Don’t get your dander up, and don’t give them the satisfaction by reacting.
Stop mind-reading: We tend to assume the worst. Rather than thinking the room hates your performance, assume the best—that everyone loves you. People are more concerned with themselves usually so most of the time they aren’t even thinking about you!
Exposure theory: The more experience you have in any given situation, the more confident you will feel, and the more competent you will become. Getting rejected at the bar on the first approach can really sting. Funny thing is, the tenth rejection usually becomes routine and is not a big deal.
With competence comes confidence: If you do something well, you will feel like you are giving a performance. Chances are, if you have skills then you will win over your intended audience.
Don’t dwell on failures: People love to replay epic failures in their heads. I guess it’s like watching a gruesome accident scene. Evaluate failures, extract the lessons from it and move on.
A little ego goes a long way: Sometimes it helps to switch on the big ego. When necessary, think my poo don’t stink. I’m da’ man! I’m not saying being sensitive doesn’t have its time and place, but going macho can help. Use this method wisely, but do not take it to mean you should withhold emotion.
Get some grit: Sometimes it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Every one of us goes through bad times. Grit is that ability to take a punch and get back up. Perseverance through adverse times. This is a skill that can be grown through practice.
Know in interactions that you hold just as much power as the other person does. In the workplace, your boss is relying on you to do a solid job and make the company money. In dating, you need to evaluate the other person just as much as they are evaluating you.
One more thing to consider—if you are causing a stir then maybe you’re doing something right! Remember…artists enjoy people who both love and hate their work. They consider it a fail if you are unaffected or indifferent to their masterpieces. Not such a bad reaction after all.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Hey Keith, Thank you for an awesome article. I struggle with seeking approval from others at times, and you’re spot on as to why. I usually want validation that I made a good choice, that I said the right thing, or that my work was good so I can take that feedback and try to replicate it. I also want to be liked by everyone, which I recognize is not a realistic goal, and something that is outside of my control. But every now and then I fall into the trap of believing that if I do good things people… Read more »