Therapist Dr. Bill Cloke has helped a lot of couples through their worst times, and offers some simple advice for how to build a loving relationship.
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If you can hold in mind your love for each other and keep that before you at times of great difficulty and in all situations…
If you can make being right less important than being connected, and instead work toward harmony and grace…
If you can keep your head while everything in you screams for revenge, and come back to the table with compassion and compromise…
If your relationship can be your first priority and not last place in your day….
If you can use empathy like a mighty sword to cut through your pain, instead of being like a rock or an island…
If you can surrender to your mate when all that is in you wants to leave, yet continue on with consideration and kindness…
If you can hear complaints and respond with understanding and not give way to contempt and rage…
If you can recognize that conflict is normal and trust is earned, and still be reliable and loving…
If you can appreciate that love is not a given but is created from being a loving person…
If you can become the person that you most admire and treat the ones you love with kindness and consideration…
…You will create a loving relationship
Originally appeared on Dr. Cloke’s website
Photo by Anneliese Phillips on Unsplash
Not always, sadly. I tried all this for 20+ years and was left drained, demoralised and wholly lacking in self-respect (let alone self-esteem). By always surrendering, always doing my best to respond with love and understanding, I was made responsible for fixing everything, and blamed for everything I couldn’t fix. I only managed to start to recover when I left my wife, which was also (of course) “my fault”. It doesn’t always work, and it can be unhealthy to keep trying beyond a certain point.
It’s a great list. Makes me realize that two people pursuing such goals together could reach the pinnacle of self-realization. They’ll also likely experience more pain than they could ever anticipate. Not sure I want to go that route.
Very wise words that really do point to what it takes to really love someone long-term. Of course, the challenge is always in implementing! 🙂
I’ve been wondering if people feel the way I do about these sorts of “keys to a succesful relationship/marriage” and similar axioms of love articles…they’re very repetitive. Not just one from another, but within them, each point is a derivation of the last. For example, “If you can use empathy like a mighty sword to cut through your pain, instead of being like a rock or an island” and “If you can hear complaints and respond with understanding and not give way to contempt and rage” are basically the same. Both relate back to empathy and denying negative emotions (be… Read more »
Completely agree! You’ve precisely expressed my thoughts exactly.
Thanks. Very wise.
But BOTH people have to do it, not just one. If just one eventually he or she gives up and explodes in frustration and its the end.
It’s a good idea but it’s not the first line of advice for the insecure. Low self-worth is a total perception hijack. Makes you see things that aren’t there, read into stuff, assume the worst, always afraid they will find someone “better” and on and on… It’s really good advice. It’s just that it is irrelevant until both people are good with themselves. Value yourself as much as you value everyone else and then this advice will help you. The last line should be on top.
Just these two lines themselves, I think could save marriages:
“If you can recognize that conflict is normal and trust is earned, and still be reliable and loving…
If you can appreciate that love is not a given but is created from being a loving person…”