Shawn Henfling looks into the mirror and doesn’t like what he sees.
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I set out to write a paragraph or two about body image and men. Specifically, I wanted to tell you how I feel about myself and the body I’ve crafted. I say crafted because at least some of it is as I’ve made it. I can’t do much about the receding hairline or the excessive body hair. Birthmarks and freckles? They’re off limits too. The expanding spare tire? That would be me. Lack of muscle definition? Yeah. I’m going to have to take that one on too. I’m nearly deaf in one ear and my eyes aren’t what they should be. Both of those are my fault. I stare in the mirror pretty much every morning and wonder why I can’t be better. I can live with that though. I can live with that as long as I don’t stare to long into the abyss. The abyss, as they say, looks into you.
This story would be much more satisfying if I lied. It’d be better if I told you, avid reader, that when I look into the mirror I see a great man. In fact, it would be absolutely amazing if I could say good things about the man I see there. For a post that started out as body image, I guess this one has gone way out of bounds.
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When I examine the man in the mirror I see inadequacy. I see a man that continues to fail. Despite the promise of success, he somehow manages to continue wallowing in mediocrity. I take jobs and do just enough to keep them. I tell myself I’m giving it my all, but never truly live up to my self imagined potential. I see a man who makes it a habit to never excel, to never fully achieve what he’s capable of. I see someone capable of being so much more than he is. I see a man who will never make enough money, be a good enough parent, or an attentive enough husband. I see a man who will never photograph well enough, write enough,
The man I see in the mirror is a coward.
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Somehow, I will myself to look deeper into the dark brown eyes of the man in the mirror. I see beyond the fleshy form and past the inadequacy. I stare into the abyss and I see fear staring back at me. I see a man who runs from the challenges with the greatest payoffs because they come with the greatest risk. I see a man who lets fear be his motivator. I see a man who fears both success and failure, leaving him stuck in the nether regions of mediocrity. In the mirror I see a man so aversive and fearful of risk that every decision is made on the basis of safety. In the race to go big or go home, the man in the mirror just stays home. The man I see in the mirror is a coward.
Deep within the abyss I see a spark of light, bright enough to draw my attention but without the power to chase away the darkness. The light is good. It isn’t a spotlight shining brightly into the sky as if at a Hollywood premier, but it is shining nonetheless. In the mirror I see a man who tries with everything he has to do good, to help others, and to be just. Here too though I see failure. I see inadequacy. I see a man who can’t give enough to light the darkness in his own soul. I see a man afraid that the good he does will be too little to make a difference. I see a man fearful of a legacy defined not by the good he did but by the good he failed to do. Even at in the heart of the light, I still see darkness.
I can never become the man I want to be if I give up the fight today.
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When I look in the mirror I don’t want to see myself. Each time I peak into the looking glass I expect to see a better man than I saw the day before. I strive for it. I live for the day it happens. Somehow, that day never comes. The man in the mirror never changes. He is always the man he was the day before, inadequate, fearful, and a failure. Sometimes it seems as though the man in the mirror isn’t really a man, just a child in a mans body, afraid of what he’s become and afraid of becoming what he must. Still, I try. I can never become the man I want to be if I give up the fight today.
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Photo Credit: Keir Mucklestone-Barnett/Flickr
Yep. Been there too. Know exactly how it feels. Exactly how it feels.
Check out maninthemirror.org.
Here’s the book called “Man in the Mirror – solving 24 problems men face” http://www.amazon.com/The-Man-Mirror-Solving-Problems-ebook/dp/B0054K8I4Q