Edie Weinstein discovered what happens when love ‘trans-cends’ gender.
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Rene Harris and Flora Nikki Zanfrisco are much like any other couple. They live in a suburban Philadelphia area home, raise Nikki’s twin daughters, and own a business called Freedom Films. I met them back in 2011 through a mutual friend and worked with them to film the book release event for The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming The Ordinary Into The Extraordinary . Together they are creating a movie called “This Is Our Reality: What’s Yours?” It is a bio-pic that highlights in graphic detail the intersecting lives of the film-makers from childhood to present time. Surviving ordeals such as molestation, rape, physical abuse, drug addiction and mental illness, as well as the redemptive power of love and spiritual awakening are themes of the film. From what I have heard and what I saw in the trailer, this has huge success written all over it. My take on it is that it will offer hope for healing to survivors, a spiritual wake up call for those who doubt, a day to day choice of love or fear.
What impressed me the most was that although they could easily have become embittered about their life experiences and remained mired in despair, they instead moved past feeling like victims and even beyond being surivors, to living as true thrivers…those who reach out and support others in overcoming their own challenges. The gifts that might appear to be non-existent to the judgmental mind, are abundant. Each of them discovered strength and resilience they didn’t know was possible. When Nikki had her spontaneous Kundalini awakening, life as she knew it was forever changed.
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The two met at the karate studio where Nikki’s daughters were enrolled and Rene was an instructor. At the time, she was in search of a Green Screen to use in her movie. Nikki describes the synchronicity that brought these two seemingly different people together:
At the time, they were both biologically female and most people would have referred to their relationship as Lesbian in orientation.
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“One day I was food shopping while the kids were in class. Rene came into the food store and came up to me and started talking. During the conversation it came up that Rene was taking film classes in school and “she” at the time was working with a Green Screen. Well, I was floored and said, “WHAT REALLY?!” And every day after we just started talking about filming, life, etc… for an entire year before we started a physical relationship, due to the differences in our ages mainly. Even though we did feel a huge connection before that we were both okay with waiting and getting to know one another on a deeper level. We have known each other for 5 yrs and since have built Freedom Films together with the bigger goal of making what was my movie into our movie.”
At the time, they were both biologically female and most people would have referred to their relationship as Lesbian in orientation.
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Nikki continues “My family accepted my relationships with other women many, many years ago. Although back then it took a lot of time and many different emotions from my mother before it was fully accepted. The main issue was our age difference. In the beginning they did not understand it until they spent many days with us and personally saw how we were with one another. I was guided to just be me no matter what others thought as long as I was going with my heart. Love has no age, no gender, no race. You love who you love. So we kept just being us and not trying to hide anything and flow with life and the universe. Eventually my parents, sister, nephews, cousins and Rene’s entire family just knew and understood we had a real true love for each other.”
There came a time when this elfin looking young woman with a gender neutral name knew that ‘she’ was really a ‘he’.
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Rene offers: “She is the only woman that I have ever just looked at and felt a connection. Yes, she is a very attractive woman, but it wasn’t that. It was on a soul level. It was like I already knew her and I needed her to recognize me. I have always felt more of a soul connection when doing inner reflection, than I did with my physical body.”
There came a time when this elfin looking young woman with a gender neutral name knew that ‘she’ was really a ‘he’.
According to GLAAD:
“Transgender is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity differs from what is typically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.
Gender identity is someone’s internal, personal sense of being a man or a woman (or as someone outside of that gender binary.) For transgender people, the sex they were assigned at birth and their own internal gender identity do not match.”
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“This has been the case as far back as I can remember, even as a small child. I find nothing wrong with the female form, I have high respect for it, however it doesn’t fit me. It’s like calling someone the wrong name, I guess. So, I decided from a really comfortable and confident place that I would start testosterone therapy. I began about 3 years ago, and my voice and physical appearance have changed drastically. It has also been quite the mental journey as I felt the “rise of one mind and recession of another”. It’s not a bad thing, but it’s something you would never understand until it happens to you. Nikki has been great through the hard times as I learn to deal with new feelings and her unconditional love has made things so much easier for the both of us.”
The transition could be understandably challenging for any couple, but Rene and Nikki have transcended it beautifully.
The male pronouns and appearance make me comfortable, but in the end I am just me.”
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“I personally was okay with Rene being female or male. Since I could remember I never labeled myself as a lesbian or straight or bi-sexual. I have dated both and just love who I love. So Rene’s physical changes did not bother me at all. I love Rene’s heart. Of course I do find some things difficult and am always trying to make adjustments on the personality changes and trying to understand them more s0. I would like everyone to simply understand our relationship is just that, a relationship just like everyone else’s relationship. We go through all the same emotions that you do, we cry, we argue, we rejoice, we love. We never judge others relationships and would like the same in return. We are spiritual beings having a human experience and this is our experience. Let us have it as we let you have yours.”
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With hormonal changes come emotional and mental shifts within the individual and the need for relationship dynamics to adapt.
Rene reports “I can only answer for myself, even though I know Nikki has adjusted. I can say that my mind has started racing a lot more, and I have had to learn to slow down. Which is funny, because I have those words tattooed on my knuckles. The hardest thing for me is to just take things for what they are and not react. Every day is a new day, and I think I am getting better and am choosing my battles wisely. I also needed to be more open to accepting love, because when you see people from your old job who adored you, and now they avoid you, it sucks. It carries over into your day-to-day, even if you don’t realize it. I had to remember to ‘keep it moving’ and stay strong and confident in myself no matter what views others have.”
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“I am not really sure about getting full surgery. I do know that I would like to have chest surgery, as soon as I build enough pectoral muscle and become financially comfortable enough to do it. I see a lot of people raise money for it on funding sites, which I have given thought as well. I also know that if I keep up on exercise, since I am on testosterone I may be able to achieve the look I want without chest surgery at all. As far as it being important, I guess not. It would be nice.”
Our cultural attempts to define what it means to be a man, as is clear in the dialogs that occur daily on The Good Men Project site.
Rene has his own take on it: “The definition of a man is up to the individual. It’s your set of morals, how you treat others, and how you conduct yourself. It is also biological as well as spiritual. I really believe that I am a predominately male spirit that was born into a female body. As someone who has experienced both the highs and lows of what that type of physical disconnect can bring, I just tend to focus on being me. The male pronouns and appearance make me comfortable, but in the end I am just me.”
Photo credit: Freedom Films
I use to wait on Renee and Nikki almost everyday at a restaurant i use to work at. They are the sweetest people and im so excited for their achievements together! Good luck with everything.
The Buddhist perspective would be that there is no such thing as a male or female spirit. It is just that over a number of lifetimes of having the same gender we get used to it, begin to identify with it and make it part of our identity. But it is only conditioning and will pass. Maleness is my Karma, but eventually it will have run its course and I will become female. And later back again. But if I find myself in a female body prematurely (as it might happen), I will be a transman.
Exactly, edie. If there is at least one thing I’ve actually learned this go around is that everything., all caps everything is exactly, again all caps, as it’s supposed to be.
Not woo woo at all, Mark. I believe that anything is possible. All I know is that Rene is claiming himself fully in this lifetime. I am grateful to know him, regardless of the form.
Personally, Edie, I’m a believer in reincarnation, and I’ve studied enough philosophy, probably enough to make me dangerous, but I’ve come to the conclusion that there are indeed created spirits who are predominantly male or female in nature, at their creation, and I don’t mean birth. This spirit is intended to grow, learn, help others do the same throughout its’ intended path. Sometimes it comes in male costume, sometimes for the show in female costume. When the show closes, it sheds the current costume ready to take on the next role when the time is right for it to do… Read more »