If we are being completely honest when we take our marriage vows, we really only plan on for better, for richer, and in health. We allow the vows for worse, for poorer, and in sickness to remain unlikely outcomes for us and for our friends. It is just too painful to allow your heart to go certain places.
As someone who has faced the “Now what?” let me give you some advice I wish someone had given me when I faced my own marriage restoration process.
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Most people say they would do one thing, but when actually faced with the trial, choose a different path. When infidelity or sexual addiction wrecks a marriage you want to be helpful, but it is very hard to know what to do. So if you find yourself or a friend in that situation you may feel completely unprepared because the idea never was allowed to be a real live situation you could face. It is natural to want to help and natural to be clueless about the boundaries. As someone who has faced the “Now what?” let me give you some advice I wish someone had given me when I faced my own marriage restoration process.
Men tend to be loners. When a friend is going through a crisis, it’s easy to ignore and not talk about the hard issues, or express support. But these are a few ways that men can lend support to their friends who are going through a marriage crisis.
1. Check your motives.
What do you wish to accomplish by reaching out? Are you helping the situation or gaining information? Once you know your own motives proceed with caution only if you are truly seeking to throw a life line.
2. Try your best to imagine what they must be going through.
Sometimes it is impossible to imagine how you would feel in this situation if it has never happened to you. An emotional parallel might be to imagine your home being broken into and having someone dig through all your most personal drawers and belongings. Now go back to that home and stay. How many times might you check the windows and doors and surroundings to assess if you are safe or not?
Now apply that to your friend’s current situation. They have been betrayed in a place where they probably felt emotionally, physically, and spiritually safe, and are now scrambling for a sense of safety.
3. Never run your own agenda.
If you did not like your friend’s spouse, keep it to yourself. Now is not the time to share your feelings about that. Listen and do not add your opinion. Keep your replies short and kind at all times, even if you are hurt or angry.
Phrases to use that are helpful are:
• I can’t imagine what you are going through.
• I am so sorry.
• Know that I am here for you.
• I know this is a confusing time, but there are so many people who love you and are here to support you.
4. Keep your tone pleasant (not fake pleasant).
There is NO PLACE for sarcasm or comments that demean. Always build up in conversation, never tear down. “If you cannot say something nice …” applies here.
5. Remember that silence is acceptable and not awkward.
Sometimes the hurt and pain is not explainable. Sometimes you can just sit still together in silence and accomplish just as much. If they are struggling to talk through the tears, just let them cry. Every moment does not need to be filled with conversation.
6. Know that it’s OK to say “I do not know how to help.”
However, let them know, “I have not been through this, but I will walk beside you through it if you want me to. I am willing to help in any way I can.” Be sure, however, that what you are saying you are willing to do. Do not say it unless you really mean you will. If you say it, follow through. Actions speak louder than words.
7. Be careful with the statements, “I could never do what you are doing” and “You are so strong.”
These statements, while your intentions are to build up, can actually make the person feel like you are not a safe place. If you say you could “never” do what they are doing, they may be hearing, “Do not come to me, I don’t know what to do with your pain.”
Remember that the lens they are now looking through is hazy at best. Safety is a constant ongoing assessment.
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When you say statements about them being strong, they may then feel like they are expected to continue to be strong and an emotional breakdown is not welcome. Remember that the lens they are now looking through is hazy at best. Safety is a constant ongoing assessment. While they are not necessarily analyzing your every word, they are likely trying to find solid ground and a place of emotional safety.
8. Know your place.
There are different levels of friendship: acquaintance, inner circle, and being so close you can finish their sentences. Remember that they just had a person who was their “other half” betray them. No one probably feels like a safe person to them in the same way now. The person they should have been able to trust most was untrustworthy, at least at some level. So evaluate how safe you would feel to them in the vulnerable state they are likely in now.
As someone who has been there, I can attest that in times of crisis, you need a true friend. These eight tips will prove extremely valuable in helping you be the kind of friend truly needed by someone who’s going through a marital crisis.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Great advice Joy. I enjoyed reading your piece.
Cheers!