If we could meet in the middle and allow each other the space and support to be ourselves, without the feeling of sacrificing one’s sense of self, that would be a perfect world.
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It’s Friday 4:57 pm. You shut down your computer, pack away your laptop and walk out the door to leave work. You’ve got the windows down enjoying the fresh air, you pump up the volume of your favorite podcast and get settled for an easy drive home.
The rest of the evening is spent with both parties pouting, huffing and annoyed at the kids.
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You’re thinking of how you’re going to enjoy the sunshine by going for a bike ride when you get home. It’s going to be great to spin those legs and get the blood pumping after a stressful day at the office (those non-stop sales calls sap your energy).
As you walk in the door, the first thing that catches your eye is the trail of toilet paper coming out of the guest bathroom. The smell of burnt toast still fills the air and the dirty laundry you tripped over this morning is still lying in a heap at the front door.
♦◊♦
You see your wife standing in front of the kitchen sink with her back toward you. You start to say out loud your well-rehearsed line, “Hi honey I’m going to go for a bike….. ” when she turns around and gives you “that” look.
You know the look, the one that says, “Don’t you DARE say you’re going out you JUST got home!” You slink back into yourself thinking, “I guess a ride isn’t going to happen, When am I EVER going to go on that bike ride?”
The rest of the evening is spent with both parties pouting, huffing and annoyed at the kids and those fun Friday nights are now a thing of the past.
Let me explain…
♦◊♦
Rewind the clock… it’s 8:27 am, you’ve just got home from taking the kids to school. You were hoping to make it to gym today (your shoulders are hurting), but that ain’t going to happen because you’ve got to call a client at 9 am. So you jump in a lukewarm shower and throw on yesterday’s pants because you can’t find a clean pair to wear.
The phone rings and you trip over the pile of dirty laundry sitting on the floor by the front door. You miss the call from the doctor again, whom you’ve been trying to make an appointment with, and it goes to voicemail.
The client call goes on for longer than expected, another set of fires to put out, but hey, you can’t complain it’s paying the bills. Even though it’s a far cry from the creative writer you thought you’d be, after a series of compromises, you’ve resided yourself to the reality of what life has become.
You scroll through Facebook and are reminded of the friends who DID something with their expensive college education. Those days of dreaming up novels and characters are long gone. You gave up on those dreams years ago, of being able to be whatever or whoever you wanted to be.
It’s 1:57 pm and it’s time to rush out the door for school pick up. That dirty laundry and unpacked dishwasher will have to wait.
A quick run to the grocery store to pick up something for dinner would be a great idea, but your cranky toddler is having a meltdown, so you turn around and go straight home.
On the drive home you get an irate phone call from the school assistant principal to say your son tried to skip school and was caught, now he has to be at school on Saturday. “Great, there goes my plan for massage” (those shoulders are starting to hurt).
♦◊♦
It’s 2:29 pm you’re unpacking the dishwasher, and it goes quiet. Too quiet.
You discover your toddler has stuffed a whole roll of toilet paper down the toilet and has tried to clean it up, only to block it and flood the floor. You grab the last roll to wipe up the water that is seeping under the door.
It’s 3:34 pm and you make your way to the bus stop to meet your son as he comes off, he is in sooooooo much trouble. “Just wait til Dad gets home!” You try not to lose it, but in your frustration you get into a heated argument with your 14-year-old, it’s the same story just another day.
You think to yourself, “What did I do wrong as a parent? Why is this happening? I don’t know what to do?” Surely, I should be smart enough, educated enough, resilient enough to deal with this?
It’s 4:29 pm and you realize you’ve got nothing for dinner, so you pop in some toast so the toddler can eat before she gets cranky. You feel those shoulders burning up again, so you reach for the pain meds when you realize your son has slammed the door on his way out even though you just ground him.
You smell burning toast then you hear the fire alarm starts shrieking as the smoke has set it off. That persistent throb in your head has now become a full blown headache, and those shoulders are in a spasm.
After managing to unpack the dishwasher in a stupor, you hear the garage door open, and your husband walks through the door. You’re thinking, “Thank goodness! He’s come to my rescue” I’ve only been counting the hours since 2:30 pm.
You turn around to greet your husband, and you hear him utter those words that cut through your heart “… I’m going OUT for…” and you just want to cry.
What happened to all that ambition and dreams of success? Even though you were voted “most likely to succeed” in high school, you’re embarrassed to let those Facebook friends know how it turned out.
So you put on a brave face and pretend everything is fine, even though your gut is burning with that gnawing sense of failure.
How can this be fair?
She may still have that unrequited ambition she’s pushed back for years.
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You were told that women could be what they want, who they want, and be with whoever they want. You believed them when they said your expensive college education would ensure your career success. You just need to get out there and use that high IQ.
Alas, the story took a detour.
♦◊♦
She may still have that unrequited ambition she’s pushed back for years. How can she be a great wife and mother AND have a career without giving up something in return?
Something has gotta give.
If we could meet in the middle and allow each other the space and support to be ourselves, without the feeling of sacrificing one’s sense of self, that would be a perfect world.
As the saying goes, “Happy wife, Happy life!”.
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Photo: Flickr/ Nathan Colquhoun
Wow! Do you have kids? Obviously not…. Kids are a blessing but it doesn’t’ mean they come without effort. The point of the matter is husband and wife should keep communication open instead of getting annoyed and leaving things unsaid that inevitable leaves to conflict. We can have all the money in the world but if we don’t have a family to share it with what is the point?
Are you saying that raising, caring for, and providing for kids is NOT a 24/7/365 job, or what part did I get wrong?
We are sold a bill of goods that we “can have it all”, when actually we can’t. Noone can, neither woman nor man. We all have to work to create some limited time and space to play.
And anyone telling you differently is just trying to sell you candy-sparkle unicorns or blowing glitter up your ar$e.
Yes I agree with you it’s not possible to have it all yet society continues to exert the pressure. Parents in our generation have to adjust to the demands of managing it all in an instant society.
Agree with Boris.
If you decide to have kids, you’ll be stuck with providing for them, caring for them and raising them.
This seems to come as a total surprise with alarming regularity.
1) commute to work on the bicycle; great stress reliever and good for the environment
2) Men , dishwashers and laundry machines are easy enough to understand – learn them NOW if you already don’t know them intimately
3) learn to cook, take back the kitchen.
now why why got married with two kids -that’s on you
I hear what you’re saying but that’s a pretty sad take on having kids. We know there will be sacrifices so the point is to keep communication open to avoid disagreements. Kids are not a jail sentence.