Size and performance are always on a man’s mind, but here’s what women are really looking for.
—
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.” ~ Viktor Frankl
The best part of my work is when I engage in conversations with men, women and couples who share their sexual pleasures and anxieties.
I am always amazed at how much anxiety most people have around their sexuality. I’ve come to learn over the years that most if not all of our anxieties are self-imposed.
♦◊♦
I was recently having a conversation with a man who had two major anxieties that were causing him havoc.
- His performance.
- His penis size.
The word ‘performance’ should never be used in lovemaking. When a man is performing, it’s impossible for him to relax, be fully present, and attuned to his partner, thus the term ‘performance anxiety.’
I asked him what was going through his mind during sex. At any given moment he said he was too busy thinking about the following:
- “Am I rocking her world or she counting the ceiling tiles?”
- “Am I better or as good as her previous lovers?”
- “Where should I finish?”
- “Did I finish too soon?”
- “Did She come at all?”
His mind is constantly occupied and never fully present because he feels the need to perform, and in his case, compare himself to other men.
When you only focus on your performance, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to create a deep connection, closeness, and intimacy with your lover.
In most men’s vocabulary, you won’t find words like transparent, emotional, surrender and open-hearted.
These words often go against the male ideals and are unhealthy stereotypes that emotionally hurt men.
Instead of performing and having porn style sex (mindlessly pounding away), slow down connect with your heart and your body. A woman wants 100% of you not just your penis.
Penis Size
The size, appearance, and the shape of a man’s penis is the epicenter of his insecurities and fears.
Penis size is a self-inflicted insecurity. Most women will always choose a skilled lover over a big penis.
A recent survey asked women, “What would they like more during sex:”
- More romance (57%).
- More foreplay before sex (30%).
- Experimentation (13%).
For a woman, the richness of the whole experience has a greater impact than just having a big penis because she’s attracted to the sensuality of sex–not only to the sex act itself.
♦◊♦
The way a man defines himself is a choice.
It’s about appreciating what you have, accepting what you’ve been gifted, and most importantly mastering how to use it. Best of all, there are positions for every penis size.
A man’s sexual insecurities can destroy his ability to function sexually, and instead of enjoying one of life’s greatest pleasures, he becomes overpowered by fear and anxiety.
A man with a can-do attitude will always command a more powerful response and a lasting sexual memory, than a man who is filled with fear and anxiety.
“The best use of imagination is creativity. The worst use of imagination is anxiety.” ~ Deep Chopra.
This article originally appeared on ConfidentLover.com.
—
Photo: Flickr/ Rachid Lamzah
Why do men lie about satisfying women and the size of their penis? Recently I was seeing this guy and he boasted we ever had sex I would want more but that was not the case. I desire him yes, he has excellent love making skills, but he liked about the size and being able to satisfy sexually.
Replace the word liked to lied and insert if between the words boasted and we
I recognize myself in 3 or 4 of your 5 points regarding what a man thinks about during sex (Exception is number 2, and possibly number 3.) But I agree with Jules and Theorema above, and I think you are being (willfully?) dishonest in connecting most of it to penis size. I can only speak from my own experience, but most women I’ve been with have been hugely disappointed with my “performance” if I haven’t been able to bring them to orgasm before I “come” myself (hence concerns # 1, 4 and 5), even if they most often can’t provide… Read more »
Sounds like you’ve been with some really ignorant women Kal. To a lot of us the most important thing is if the man is fully enjoying us and the experience…that’s the real charge. When both partners have that mind set along with a healthy enough dose of “I like mine too” then nothing can really go wrong. And you both know there’s always next time too.
Hello Theorema,
Regarding your second point, I mean when a man performs during sex he is in his mind and not relaxed in his body which can cause him many problems – one being ‘performance anxiety.’ What do you mean by “being in the moment and going with the flow is not a luxury men can afford for the most part?”
Cheers
Two things: 1) It’s still all about the woman. A woman wants … A woman needs … A woman prefers … 2) If a man does not focus on performing most women will not be satisfied with the result. For many women it takes a lot concentrated work by her man to make her orgasm. Sorry, but being in the moment and going with the flow is not a luxury men can afford for the most part. Now you say that women demand that I not perform, but if I don’t perform she will not orgasm. All I’m taking from… Read more »
Theorema – it may be all about the woman’s wants and needs in this article but I promise you that there is so much female-centric media out there telling women what they should be doing to please their guy. On top of all the guys that asked me to watch porn with them, or perform a certain sexual act they liked from porn. Infact, in my earlier experiences, I did everything I could to provide the ‘fantasy’ of what men wanted me to be instead of being true to being myself.
“Most women will always choose a skilled lover over a big penis” Yes, I agree. But, we also know that most men lack skill due to a lack of practice. So, we end up with a situation where women are consistently flocking to the more skilled men while the majority of men are left out in the cold (marriage material only)…Hence, the growth of porn, prostitution, and other ways for these men to get sexual stimulation… “A woman wants 100% of you not just your penis.” “For a woman, the richness of the whole experience has a greater impact than… Read more »
Hello Jules, There are many comments and questions, so I will do my best to anwer all. “A woman wants 100% of you not just your penis.” — I wasn’t applying this statement to casual sex or just a hook up – that statement definitely doesn’t apply in those situations. In my conversations with many women, they have been led to believe from TV shows, Media, environment, etc.. that a man’s package size counts, but when I ask them a few questions like “do you NEED a big penis to have an orgasm,” the answer has NEVER been yes, even… Read more »
Christina, I love your article.
And I find it interesting that you say younger women tend to brag about size while 30+ year old woman don’t. I’m a 30+ year old woman. Even when I was in my 20s, none of my gfs or me bragged about size. Perhaps this infact does say something about the affect media is having on perceptions of sex.