Christopher Zumski Finke worries about how to raise his son to be a man who respects women.
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My wife and I brought home Rhodes, our first child, four months ago. Here’s what I remember most about those first weeks: the smell of his skin and breath as he slept on my chest in our bed—small, warm, and fragile, like an egg. I breathed in the scent of the newest life I’d ever encountered as he slept.
He wasn’t undersized, but still I marveled at how tiny these newest of humans come. We, the most dominating creatures on Earth, start out so helpless and red and beautiful. I knew, as he lay curled against my heart, that I would do anything to protect him, love him, and bring him up right in the world.
We’ve created a world of great beauty as well as great terror. Would I rather send a young man into it, or a young woman?
Last month, four men in India were sentenced to death for a rape and murder of such brutality it can scarcely be believed. The week prior, four Vanderbilt University football players were charged with raping an unconscious woman (much like last year’s events in Steubenville, Ohio). And during the previous spring, just before Rhodes was born, Ariel Castro was arrested in Cleveland for imprisoning three women—kidnapped as young girls—in his house for ten years.
These and similar stories constantly fill our network news, cable opinion shows, newspapers, social media, blogs… It’s nearly impossible to avoid stories of violence, rape, and domination. Living rightly is hard enough on your own, and now I must raise a son to do so in a world that is, in part, characterized by men’s violence against women.
Louis CK sums it up best: “There is no greater threat to women than men. We are the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women.” And I worry that he’s right.
Now that I am a father, this question constantly sits before me: How do I raise a son of compassion and dignity? A man who respects women?
Boy or girl?
Early on during our pregnancy, my wife and I discussed whether we preferred to raise a boy or a girl. It was completely beyond our control, but the conversation stuck with me: boy or girl? We’ve created a world of great beauty as well as great terror. Would I rather send a young man into it, or a young woman?
As I awaited our child, my awareness of news about sexual violence reached new heights, and influenced how I thought about raising a boy or a girl.
A girl, my early thinking followed, could be protected. I worried about her safety, but I thought I could shelter her from the particular threats made against young women.
But a boy, that really scared me. Boys are the particular threat to young women. If we had a boy, we would have to raise a man. And what kind of man would he be?
I have difficulty imagining my infant son as anything other than the innocent person he is today. My assumption is this: I’ll be a good dad and he’ll be a good boy. But I cannot see the future. I love him and want him to love others, to be kind, to be aware of his actions, and to treat people with respect. I want him to learn from the men who have chosen these things instead of power and abuse.
Men as Peacemakers
“It’s endemic.”
That’s Ed Heisler, executive director of Men as Peacemakers, speaking about the statistics on sexual violence and domestic abuse.
When citizens gathered to discuss addressing violence in their city, most of them were women. This concerned some of the men…
“It is the social air that youth are breathing as they’re growing up,” he told me. “The media, the athletic environment, the jeans, the adults who market the jeans, the parents, the teachers that we have in school, the religious leaders—all create an environment that normalizes the domination and the control of women.” He chose the right word: endemic. “It’s been that way for some time and will remain that way until something in the social environment changes.”
Men as Peacemakers was founded in Duluth, Minn., after the community was rocked by a series of murders committed by men in the 1990s. When citizens gathered to discuss addressing violence in their city, most of them were women. This concerned some of the men in the community, who convened a retreat with 55 men from the area to discuss their roles and responsibilities when it came to alleviating violence. One of the initiatives born of the meeting was Men as Peacemakers, whose mission is to teach men and boys that there are alternatives to violence, and that violence is unacceptable.
I had called Heisler with an honest question: How do I raise my son to be a man who will do his part, too, to change the social environment that subjugates women?
Men as Peacemakers attempts to counter this environment by embedding its role models and mentors throughout the community. For example, The Best Party Model, a program in coordination with with College of St. Scholastica, attempts to reshape the party culture in America to one that is safe and equitable for women. They do this by placing mentors in schools, colleges, youth organizations, and other places where young people can have honest conversations about sexuality and partying. And it turns out that language and conversation have a lot to do with shaping young men’s attitudes toward women.
“New dads have an opportunity and responsibility to very proactively think about how to shape and provide an environment for that young person …”
I mentioned an anecdote from this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo. During Microsoft’s demo for the new Xbox One, the male player and emcee gave a virtual gaming beatdown to a female player before a live audience, telling her, “Just let it happen. It’ll be over soon.”
In a culture where dominance and abusive rhetoric are socially permitted (video gaming), this is dominating language—and the language we use matters. Language can both empower and objectify. (Just compare the results of “college women” to that of “college girls” in a Google Image search, and you get the point).
The Champions Initiative, another Men as Peacemakers initiative, pairs college athletes with youth and works directly with athletic associations and coaches to ensure that the prevention of violence against women is part of these associations’ missions.
Since the Steubenville rape trial has focused an eye on sports culture and sexual violence, Heisler believes this outreach is critical. He uses the Steubenville case in a guided imagery exercise that asks boys to “think about that young man from Steubenville as a little boy” and to consider what his environment looks and sounds like: “Somehow that kid learned what his sense of humor was or that women were objects for men’s pleasure—things that don’t matter, you can pee on them, use them, do whatever you want with them and it doesn’t matter. That was not the way he was born.”
So perhaps men are the worst thing that ever happens to women, but we are not born that way. We learn it. Even well-intentioned, responsible young men are capable of making terrible decisions if they are not taught, prepared, and encouraged to do otherwise.
So I asked Heisler directly: You’re talking to a new dad. What’s the most important, fundamental advice you can give to make sure that the children we’re raising are not going to add to this human rights problem?
His answer? Create a wholly new environment for young men:
“New dads have an opportunity and responsibility to very proactively think about how to shape and provide an environment for that young person, [one] that is going to role model and display and set expectations for equality and dignity and respect between men and women.”
This means not just being a model in how we treat mothers, partners, and strangers in public, but also in how we think about our homes and the spaces we inhabit.
“We’re trying to create a world where dads—men—are taking it a step further and really thinking about how they creatively shape an environment that promotes gender equity and respect for women,” Heisler told me. “We have a tide pushing in the opposite direction. It takes every effort to create an environment that will stick with our young people.”
Turning the tide
Sensing our self-satisfaction, Luke said: “We pat ourselves on the back because we find exceptions in ourselves, only to go on and enjoy our privilege.”
A few days later, I had a beer with Todd Bratulich and Luke Freeman. After all the research on violence and domination, I wanted to unwind. Todd is a youth pastor at First Covenant, an urban Minneapolis community church; Luke, a high school teacher. More importantly, both, like me, have young sons.
We talked about how to be good men who love our partners and families and friends, and who want to make a warm and welcoming environment for our sons to grow into. We all felt good about our commitment to these issues, thinking we were doing our part—we weren’t party to the culture of violence against women.
No More Steubenvilles: How to Raise Boys to be Kind Men
Then, sensing our self-satisfaction, Luke said: “We pat ourselves on the back because we find exceptions in ourselves, only to go on and enjoy our privilege.”
And I realized, I hadn’t really done my part after all. Not yet. Treating my wife with love and kindness is vital, of course. But it also is only the minimum.
We must be active, creative, and purposeful in extending this behavior to every moment of our lives if we are to become peacemakers, to push against the tide and create the space needed to raise sons with empathy and compassion.
We three dads raised our glasses to the challenge, and went home to ours
Originally appeared at Yes! Magazine
Photo: Pixabay
Hi John I have not had time to read the report. It is easy to imagine how hard it is to construct an index to measure equality between the sexes in a country. And here the index is made up of only four conditions/ types of data. I struggle to understand that men in America feel they have less value than women. Is this a universal feeling men have all over the world? It is hard for me to believe that it is. And I do not know if Scandinavian men also feel like this , unless they belong to… Read more »
Hi Iben, I think you’re mistaking it for conscious thought rather than something that has been ingrained and become second nature. When those 19 firemen lost their lives battling that wildfire (No female firefighters were present), I’m sure they weren’t consciously thinking I’m risking my life to contain this fire because my life is less valuable than the women’s I’m trying to save, although I wouldn’t be surprised if women weren’t involved because they considered the risks. If you and your boyfriend were accosted on the street by two men, would you expect him to say I’ll take one and… Read more »
Hi John I smiled when I read this: ✺”If you and your boyfriend were accosted on the street by two men, would you expect him to say I’ll take one and you take the other or would he do what I would instinctively do? Place you in the safest place possible (probably behind me) while I dealt with the danger myself”✺ I admit I would love to have a man that could defend me physically. But only one of my ex boyfriends could do that (and win). And he was a “bad boy” that spent his teenage years on the… Read more »
Because society says it’s so. That sums it up. Article upon article that, even here at GMP that sites men as being major perpetrators of countless crimes. Takes on clear attitude that men are bad. Simply attempting to balance these views with warm and fuzzies about men isn’t enough. The truth is there is an overwhelming attempt to “fix” men, redesign them, retool them into something that fits a comfortably acceptable societal image not unlike the male version of the Stetford Wives. Society has taken the position that all societal woes are caused by men. Just look at this sad… Read more »
Are athletes more prone to rape than the rest of the population?I could not find any credible evidence that they do.
From what I’ve been reading (the CDC NISVS and DOJ reports on prison rape in adult and juvenile prisons), I’m not even sure that men are more predisposed to raping than the general population. It seems to be more a function of opportunity intersecting with a minority of individuals.
If you want something to really screw up the male/perpetrator…female/victim read this from Salon of all places. http://www.salon.com/2013/07/04/sexual_abuse_on_the_rise_at_us_juvenile_detention_facilities_partner/
@Lana I am convinced that these folks actually believe they are being supportive of men.They haven’t the foggiest idea that when they run these kinds of articles men such as myself,who have been abused by women,get triggered.But I deal with it because it makes me stronger and I am triggered less often and the severity is waning.Over the last two months or so,this site has ramped up it’s efforts to reform men,all on the down-low.Its pretty darn patronizing and transparent.
Hey ogwriter, Sorry to hear that this article was triggering to you. There is definitely situations where there are abusive women too. Domestic violence is a very ugly situation. My father was abusive, but my mother passed the abuse on to her children. There’s also neglect…a kind of abuse that goes unacknowledged but is very harmful.I appreciate the father’s attempt to raise his son to be empathetic and other men I have talked to worry so much about everything with their children. Not because they are bad men, or self hating men, but because they just want to make sure… Read more »
There is no such thing as male violence.Some men do commit violent acts but that doesn’t change the meaning of the word.The very idea is bigotry at its finest.
Well considering that the vast majority of men and boys are not violent I think its a bit too soon to start acting like men and boys being violent to women is as innate and learned as walking and talking.
You mention Steubenville. The way to keep that from happening is to head that type of behavior off at the pass by teaching healthy and proper sexuality.
Moral standards would also help. (See InSideOut Coaching by Joe Ehrmann.)
Wait a minute. Sex education prevents rape? That’s an odd notion! So, teaching all kids to respect others is a waste of time? I guess we should just advocate a social Darwinist society. Morality be damned.
This is much ado about nothing.Life experience has taught me that this kind of Minority Report like attempt by some in culture to predict and prevent crime commited by men that happens to women is troubling. Treating male children as if some bogeyman is waiting to pounce and transform them into Ariel Castro is an assault on common sense.Boys do not need any special training or preemptive behavioral modification to grow up normal.This faulty logic strains credulity.What happened in India and Stubenville in no way should implicate all men.This line of reasoning has dangerous implications.I have raised three children in… Read more »
Wow,did I get mixed up.Obviously,the author is not a therapist!
Hi Ogwriter
You are doing fine .
To express how this triggers you is honest.
You held a sweet, innocent newborn to your chest and worried about how to make sure that he wouldnt become a monster who would hurt women? Did you think there was some kind of violence inate to him because he was male? I am mystified that any new parent could hold a baby and feel this way. I’m a Dad of three- 2 sons and 1 daughter. I never held any of my three and decided I needed to raise them with the particular goal of not being a monster to the other gender. I held each one and prayed… Read more »
Hi John You write ✺” Why would you expect your son to value a woman’s life over his own? Men and women are both taught that a man’s health, safety, and life is less valuable than a woman”’✺ I do not know where in the world you live, maybe UK or America. Where I live, it is not my impression that men grow up , and are socialized to believe women’s life have more worth that men. And we have the same number of men and women murdered. 50-50. Women are also drafted now. Unfortunate we have domestic abuse, and… Read more »
Hi Iben, I live in the United States. I checked the report. The U.S. ranks 23 on the list. There are two things I’d like to point out. First, the report looks at 4 criteria: health, education, financial position, and political representation. Even the report indicates that the largest reason for most of the gaps is financial and political. In the U. S. men make up 90% of the deaths in industrial accidents. They take the most hazardous jobs for larger pay. This doesn’t invalidate that their lives are considered as being less valuable. They’re better off being dead than… Read more »
Hi Christopher
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings as a new father.
I hope to see some good discussion here now,and not invalidation of your feelings.
These are not minor issues.
I am with you, Iben and Chris…. My 13 yo son has a girlfriend now….it’s sweet and innocent … They hang out in our basement with their other friends and his cousin and grandma and the babysitter check on them all periodically… They jam together on keyboard and guitar…and they have fun… They sometimes go to the frozen yogurt place in town and then play ball in the nearby schoolyard… With her girlfriend in tow …. And his cousin and the babysitter to supervise….because they are still children and they still do not know a lot of things….. I just… Read more »
“And his cousin and the babysitter to supervise….because they are still children and they still do not know a lot of things …” Quick question …he has a girlfriend but needs a babysitter? This confuses me especially when we’re talking about how we raise our sons. To me, that’s in and of itself a mixed message.
Men are killed at a rate 4 times that of women. Men commit suicide at a rate 3 times that of women. Men kill men more often than they kill women. Women kill men more often than they kill women. What do all these things have in common. They’re all violence. They all end a life. The life they end is usually male. Why would you expect your son to value a woman’s life over his own? Men and women are both taught that a man’s health, safety, and life is less valuable than a woman’s. Empathy is being able… Read more »
Well said. I have started to examine this feeling within myself. Why do I have differing reactions to a woman’s pain, maltreatment, death, than I would a man’s. Why would I react so much more harshly watching a woman being victimized than i would a fellow man… don’t they have equal value? I don’t mean someone who I know personally (then the reactions seem more similar). I just find myself feeling more ‘t empathy when concerning women. I don’t believe I am alone in this feeling, society has some re-examining to do.
I think with those stats you leave out that women are also WAY more likely to be murdered by a man, or any type of violence at all will happen to them at the hands of men. That doesn’t mean men don’t harm other men, or women harm men, but men are the most likely to commit murder and most likely to commit murder/rape/brutality against women, too. That’s what I would guess this author was basing this upon. Are all men violent – OF COURSE NOT!! But one reason so many men are not violent (and women, for that matter)… Read more »
Whenever I come across articles like this, I wonder. I wonder if my parents ever spent time worrying about the possibility of me becoming some kind of monster, a Bundy or a Ramirez. I wonder if the thought ever crossed their minds at all. Then it begins to strike me as odd, and more than a little sad, that such things would preoccupy parents in the first place. I mean, sure, you want to raise your children to be the best they can be, but it’s pathetic to see these articles that treat boys as potential monsters, unless utmost care… Read more »
Well said Menkes. Very few men grow up to be monsters and most men will never commit violence against women. In fact it is men that are the overwhelming majority of victims of serious assaults. Try raising your son to be a good person and your daughter too for that matter. Projecting these kinds of awful stereotypes onto a child is just disgusting. “Boys are the particular threat to young women” ? Nonsense: They are not. Pleas stop telling us that we are constantly in danger. It’s simply not true. We live in some of the safest places on earth… Read more »
I hate to say this, but I am starting to agree.